the last time seen
and the repercussions of actions untold
shirts reworn
for the scent they hold
when you held me
both arms dangling at my sides
completely trusting
distanced from it
the way he held me
the last time seen
last time touched

carvings in my bones slowly worn down from slow touches in particular spaces
i am not yet ready to revisit those abandoned artifacts

slowly slowly he touched

he saw me with bows in my hair
seafoam eyes and languid lies
indulgent
tell me again that i get everything i want

a plethora of sleepless nights*

soft hand on my belly i hear this whisper

the thawing of thoughts the panic of rebellion

it is. 34 degrees outside but i can feel everything from frostbite to softflames. warm inside my belly soft hand on it. making circles with a sweaty palm.

i leave my window open and imagine retreat. the capacity of running to whichever corner of this town i wish. springs in steps filled with stormy ferocity. where my heart will no longer be so acquainted with my stomach.

//////STORM// i am free. fiercely loved. i am the wind knocking on your windows. shattering your dreams. dancing in your eyes. phantom touches up your spine.

i wished to be nothing but tender. my heart soft glitter mud in hands squeezing through cracks Pulling Pleading  Pushing up the stream to stay put stay put stay.     put.      

left intact the swirls spat into the wall with plastic tacks. a sickened love.

i meld with you like waves and salt
together thrashing onto briny cold beaches
wind whipping against our reddening cheeks sweetened minds
i long to taste the sweat on your neck
i wear you on my skin
honey eyes honey ash honey slow in my bones i move slow i will move slower

i am not so sure as i seem i am not so sure slow----- s l o w d o w n

globes of gold blur past my peripheral.
you are in this landscape
panning across my eyelids like projections.
i am the canvas. uninhabited.

we are stupid. children. gods of the innocent. lost the keys//owners of our fates.
broken heads emptied hearts poured into lovers who weren’t enough.
shame on us for wanting more than they could give.
shame on them for needing more than we could fathom— than they could express.

oh, dollop moon!
sweet soft tender
pulling you up and up
little fluff of a thing
pulling me down under—
a swift plunge.

i am the moon they call me moon i am the moon a fallen star will burn through me and i will shine through the night lighting your path until dawn i am the moon always lit always lit always on

Ты слышишь что я говорю?
как громко мне придется кричать?
ты спрашиваешь что я хочу, и я не отвечаю.
потому что я знаю, в глубине души, что Ты знаешь уже.

----
translation:

Do you hear what I am saying?
How loudly do I have to shout?
You ask me what I want, and I do not answer.
Because I know, deep down, you know already.

relax your jaw
he talks about easing in (taking control)
as far as i am concerned there is no one in this cafe this street but you and i
lips tongues moving in tandem
hands reaching over pressing down on hips leaving their own conversations