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David Bojay Jan 2014
I will be depressed tonight, and tomorrow
I hate only having split seconds of happiness when I kiss you before I go to class
I wish I could kiss you forever
I wish I could kiss you hello instead of goodbye
I wish I could kiss you when the clock clicks goodnight
I wish I could kiss you when the sun is beginning to show on cold mornings where your kisses are the only seconds that can make me warm
Train rides are really boring without music
I like to play indie chill music while riding
I'd rather hear you whisper in my ear how much you love taking pictures of the city we live in
I really hope we do as we say
On gloomy days, your kisses will make me happy
The day I'm dead
Your kisses will bring me to life
Just a few more seconds alive, enough to enjoy one last kiss of happiness
David Bojay Jan 2014
I wish I was 18
It'll be officially legal to **** myself slowly, thank God for cigarettes
I am the bad thought that does your son good
I am the regret that does your daughter good
We feel right, doing what pleases
It doesnt look like we can lose
Our intensions will never lose
And I'll probably go hell... bauptized
I just finished showering, but my soul is as ***** as a *******
As ***** as your girlfriend, as ***** as your mom
It's 10:23 pm, and I'm confused between a poem I cant write and a poem I'm writing
I dont know where I'll end up
I don't know much
Much of anything
Anything of nothing
I don't know nothing
The only thing I know is that I'll do good to worms when I'm beneath the ground and they're hungry
David Bojay Jan 2014
I stopped thinking about which tree I wanted to hang from
But I still think about it, and it'll haunt me for a while
I'd picture myself getting praised, while dead
Looking down with no stare
I'll feel significant above others
Just a few feet above the ground could change my view
But it'll be too late
Imagine running in heaven and falling in love with the devil
Would you do anything for your love
Would you walk downstairs for a kiss
I'm looking at this board in my room and it says "life is good"
Thats contradictory to a kid who smokes *** and who's mom thinks he's a Christian
Maybe God gave up on me
Wouldn't you **** yourself if the person you loved the most stopped loving you?
Question after question
Thoughts turn into shots to the head
Its 4:31 and this cigarette is burning out beside the church by my house
Holy smokes
I need to go home, it's cold
Plus I think there's pizza at home, I think
Later
David Bojay Jan 2014
I think I have found more reasons to hate myself.
I know life is about cherishing yourself being.
But I feel like a car crash that was unintentional.
Maybe my mom was right, maybe I am an accident.
I rather be a” was” right now.
“He was an accident” engraved on my stone that will stand on top of me when the earth is sinking me in.
There’s many ways to cure, but I’d rather not be cured, I deserve everything that people say I don’t deserve.
I’m a senseless kid not knowing better than to run outside half naked when it’s 16 degrees.
It’s just that I’m far too careless about myself now, and I don’t care, I just want to help people.
Maybe my soul was meant to be broken down to pieces and given out to the people who need some.
Or maybe I just spend so much time thinking I forgot about it.
My body knows me so well; it numbs itself before I torture it by punching bricked walls.
It knows me so well it has a springer in my throat because it knows how much I don’t like feeling heavy.
I know myself so well I smoke until I shouldn’t feel.
I wonder how it would be like to forget at an instant.
I wonder if true love truly waits.
I’m sorry for the love I give that isn’t enough,
I’m sorry for the love I give that is too much that you don’t want.
I know if you drift away, your reasons will always be for its best.
Maybe I’m not good at what I love to do.
Maybe I should stop trying to get people to express what they truly feel.
Maybe I should because you expressed what you truly felt about me and now I’m here playing happy chords on my piano to feel lifted from the grief.
Whatever it is that is causing this, I know its reasons are for its best.
You should really let the river in.
Maybe I am what you think of me; maybe I’m just in denial.
I’d love to see me the way you see me, why do you look up to me, why?
Is it possible to love life but also hate yourself?
How do I enjoy one thing I can’t control?
Maybe it’s progression within you.
I surely do feel a person can be classified as art by their mannerisms.
I adore a few people because I see them as art; they see me as art too do to the little I do that has helped.
I wonder if pride gets in the way of doing something beneficial to the world, what if it’s stopping people from happiness.
I think money comes and goes like happiness, you can never be so sure.
I’m only sure of very little, but who knows.
I think people tend to remember more of the bad times whether than the good, sadness is a long story, it can ruin and make you forget, and it can build and make you remember.
Throughout today, I’ve gone through a variety of emotions.
Yesterday was something I wasn’t prepared for, I always am but everything came to a sudden breakdown.
I’m going to record what I feel throughout this day until I feel like I’ve progressed with everything in different ways.
I hate time so much.
I hate how I thought a home could be in someones heart, my home is still there, but I think I lost the key; I think it’ll be lost for a while.
My demons inside want to unlock themselves, but somehow I still feel the love, I think I’ll always feel it, I’m glad I can feel imaginary things.
You know, sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t think about anything much, I wonder where I’d be right now.
At the end I feel like it’s two against one, I’m not sure what goes against what, there are just things you feel, and sometimes feeling is stupid.
I really don’t know how everything I’ve encountered has inspired me to be the person I am right now as I’m typing this in my dark room.
Little by little I start realize things I should realize when something bad happens that I overreact to.
I really don’t know what I am, sometimes I feel like my Christian phase is coming, and sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t believe.
I strongly believe in someone I love dearly, I don’t feel like I should believe in anything else.
I think that person is enough, more than enough.
But who knows, I mean I know but I don’t know.
It’s been a day since I’ve written anything on here, and I’m broken, it seems like I take a step forward due to hopes, then I step back two steps.
I’ve been contemplating so many things, I say nothing so I won’t be a burden, it feels nice to be worried for but at the same time I hate it.
I think my mom was right, I’m such a disappointment.
People at school give me reasons to look high of myself though, that’s makes me feel much better in all honesty.
I feel like if they’re secure before I am, then I’ll be okay because I’ve helped.
Its 4:11 pm and its November 25th 2013, I’ve never felt like this in my life.
I think I should be a diary to some people, I think I am.
Today was horrible, I’ve always talked about controlling my days and balancing them out with happiness but at the end I find ways to hate myself and something always has to go wrong.
Who knows, maybe my luck has ran out.
I’ve never actually believed in it, but if I did, I don’t think I ever had any, except for some cases; the people I’ve met are most beautiful.
There are days where I feel determined, there are days where I question my determination, and maybe everything will be okay.
But then again there are always those doubts that bother me.
Its 4:32 and I’m contemplating something really hard.
I think it’s time for me to go.
It is now January 12th
Im back.
Save me.
David Bojay Jan 2014
People have different definitions of joy, and I can honestly to say that you are my joy.
I’ve never been so proud of my joy.
With everything that goes wrong in the world, there’s always the sun shining in the dark.
When I think of the sun enlightening people’s souls, I think of you making everything easier for me.
I feel cold at this moment, and it’s not the weather.
I could be outside naked, it could 0 degrees, and I still wouldn’t feel this cold.
I want to be your first and last kiss.
I want to be your everything.
Everything that makes me happy, I share to my world.
I share to you in other words.
My world is filled with soft green grass and the idea of it makes me tremble.
The tears of tonight will remain until the day you comeback.
I wonder what you’re doing right now, its 7:49 pm, and I’ll probably do things in between while typing this.
I hope you’ll still wake up and think to yourself that I’m yours, because I am.
And I’ll be yours until the sun doesn’t give out light anymore.
I’ll still wake up with hope, because you’re in my soul, my heart, and mind.
You’re my hope.
I’m sorry if you get teary.
If so, my intentions are only to make you happy.
Like always, everything for you that I do is to make you happy.
Even if I’m not there with you, I hope I’m in your soul, heart, and mind.
I know nothing will ever change between us, a few weeks from now we’ll be laughing, hugging, and kissing.
I’ll be taking you flowers to your doorstep, and I’ll be taking you out on dates.
We’ll get on train rides, and we’ll fall even more in love under the stars in Dallas.
When I heard you cry, I shattered, everything for one split second seemed impossible.
My voice started to crack and I felt like a new born baby.
I was so confused on who I was, I started to cry.
I never want to make you cry again.
The only time I want to see you cry is when I slip on that ring on our wedding day.
I’ve put so much thought into our future, the feeling when I do has never felt so right.
Never have I believe in something so true like you, I don’t need religion.
You’re all I need to believe in.
If you ever fall, I’ll be there to pick you up.
Even when I’m at my lowest, I’ll be there to pick you up.
Always remember, you’re not disappointing anybody.
I’m proud of everything you have accomplished.
I’m proud of you, and everything you have done.
There’s nothing to be disappointed about.
Trust me; I look up to you in so many ways.
You have inspired me to be the person that I am today.
I can’t improve on myself anymore.
Because you made me all that I am, and all that I ever want to be.
I’ll always be yours, and you’ll always be mine.
Even though forever doesn’t exist, it sure does seem like it with you.
Our love seems like forever.
I know you and I will walk the streets of the city holding hands.
When we’re tired of walking we’ll sit somewhere, and I’ll kiss your forehead for reassurance that I love you at that moment, and every moment that we come across.
I love you.
It’s 8:11 pm and I’m still wondering what you’re doing.
I’m wondering what you’re thinking of.
I get jealous of your guitars, because they get to be on your arms every day.
I wish I could be your guitar forever.
I haven’t eaten since 11am, and I’m not hungry.
My throat feels weird for some reason, I’m disgusted by myself.
I feel like screaming, I think my neighbors heard my scream this afternoon.
I think my walls are hurt.
I think my mouth is tired of tasting the salty taste of my tears.
I think my knuckles numb.
I feel like a clock right now, moving but going nowhere.
The hands will always wind up in the same spot.
With you I go everywhere.
You’re the portal to somewhere that doesn’t exist that is peaceful.
I know I’ll be on your mind when you wake up and you know you’ll be on mine.
You and I both know.
I hope you’re happy.
As long as I know you’re mine and I know I’m yours I’m happy.
I hope you think the same.
I will always remember the face you made when I showed you the music on my iPod.
Your eyes were filled with amazement.
If I knew what love was back then I would’ve said I fell in love with the look in your eyes.
I will always remember.
Never forget that I will always remember.
Sometimes I think how we would look like when we’re older.
Other times I think of you, and the future.
For Christmas I’ll take you on a carriage ride in Dallas.
We can kiss in the seats we’re in.
Nothing has changed; I don’t think they ever will.
Nothing has felt so real.
Nothing will ever feel this real.
When I get my car over the summer we can sneak out together and go to IHop at 3am just as you wished a while back.  
After that we’ll go to Wal-Mart and act crazy in there.
I knew it’d get to this point of satisfaction.
Even though right now we’re not at our best, we both know we will be soon.
The day I held your hand at the fair, I meant it.
That was one of the greatest days in my life because I got to spend it with all of my friends and you.
It’s 8:32 pm and I’m wondering if I’ll still be awake at 3am like I always was.
Knowing I was your boyfriend made me sleep in peace.
I won’t sleep in peace until I am again in all honesty.
The person I am at 3 am is a very bad person.
But I’ll have you to think about, so everything will be fine.
I hear the TV from my room; usually I have music on to block it out.
It’s silent in my room right now, I wonder if it is in yours too.
Whenever you feel down listen to Baby I’m yours by Artic Monkeys.
Just for reassurance that everything will be okay.
Denisse, it’s been 1,098 words and this isn’t even the introduction to what I feel.
I know there will be better days ahead, because you’ll be in my future.
It’s 8:42 pm and it’s been an hour since I’ve been sitting on this chair typing this down, thinking.
I want to listen to music, but I’m playing back things you’ve said to me in my head that has made me feel the way I feel right now.
I remember when you used a pick-up line on me in 8th grade; it was something about you wanting a picture of me and some other stuff.
I’ll never forget that.
You would wear black pants, black vans, and a white dress shirt to the concerts while every other girl would wear skirts.
During the summer we should go to concerts and start mosh pits.
During this time I’ve been typing this I’ve wanted to cry, I don’t know.
I’ll probably sleep with my Bluetooth headphones tonight and connect it to my phone that will be in the living room.
I’ll have it on shuffle; I know I’ll cry to a few songs while I think of you.
I haven’t cried in a while.
You’re worth crying for.
It’s 8:57 pm and I’m going to go shower, plus I have to put my phone up.
I hate time.
I just got out the shower, I was just standing there.
It’s 9:30 pm and I think I’m going to try to get some sleep.
I love you so much, goodnight darling, my love.
Sweet dreams.
I hope this small journey through my mind.
I’ll do this every day just so you know I haven’t forgotten about you and that I’m here.
I’ll wait for you Denisse.
I love you, peace.
David Bojay Jan 2014
Tiresome, both rowing the boat with much force, never knowing how long it take for them to reach the shore, she made a mildly funny statement, “our tears have probably increased the amount of water in the ocean..”. It’s been 4 months since they've been lost in the ocean, in the middle of nowhere. They’d stare at the blue skies daily, hungry? Yes, when both of their stomachs growled they glanced at each other and said, “Love requires you and I, not money, nor food, not anything, just you and I, you being here to experience my pain and happiness is more than enough”. Everything in the world could be reducible, but their love was infinite, they could never understand what love was, nor did they ever want to. Sunsets were still so beautiful, morning stretches were still required, and they were tense less because they never wanted to feel crunched and moody. Good nights were still vital; kisses were still heavenly, rich in thoughts, always tranquil, hardly any infliction. They needed no therapist, the sky was always there to hear their loudest cries, they needed no music, the waves crashing kept them sane, and when they were silent they’d listen to each other breathe. They did nothing but enjoy their company, smiling at each other is what they did mostly, they didn't know what being hopeless was, they were each other’s hope. Night skies consisted of shooting stars, they only wishes for another day to live and survive with each other because that’s all they ever needed. They’d come up with little stories for entertainment, laughter was never absent. Sometimes thoughts are better spoken than written, that’s how it was for them. They didn't have to read each other, a glance into each other’s eyes unlocked their thoughts and desires, both consisted of one another, they never knew when they’d reach shore, but what did know was that they were born to die in each other’s arms, whether in the ocean, or somewhere in a mountain range. Night came, the sky was filled with stars, and he thought stars were a reflection of her glistening eyes he often lost himself in. He awoke one morning hungry as usual, but still smiled because he knew he was about to look into the eyes of his love. He thought he had become blind, because she was nowhere in sight, panic ran through his veins, his bones weakened. He yelled and yelled at the sky, at God, asking where did he take her, why did he take her, why would he take his only happiness, the questioning became severe he couldn't find the words he was trying to say, and his beliefs began to disappear. She had fallen into the depths of the sea during their sleep, his soul was empty, and without it he could never look at anything without adding a meaning only he knew. Sea shells didn’t sound like the ocean anymore, coast to coast his chants overpowered the splashing waves, what hard did he do to God for him to do such a thing.. He slept for days, and his cheeks had a salty taste to them because of the tears. He wasn’t sure if it was an illusion or an imaginary place up ahead, but he could see the shore. Keeping a straight face, he pulled himself together with his heart full of hopelessness and took a deep breathe of the fresh air. He knew that it wasn’t his destiny to make something of himself in the world of opportunity and find more forms of happiness. He took a glance at the ocean and walked away from it, from home. The second he turned around regret covered him like the ground in a forest during fall. He turned around knowing he’d never see land again, he took a step forward towards the ocean and felt the sand swallow his feet as if they wanted him to stay. He knew it was his destiny to find her whether in this world, or the other, he knew he’d see her again. He had brought nothing but little hope that he was building up in his soul on the boat. Spending his hope daily, he knew he’d go broke. She wasn’t in sight and his destiny began to depend on death. One night, more than usual he began to question God and the plans he has in store for him. He asked God if he has plans for him to take his life away by himself, the emptiness in his soul was like a lung without oxygen, there was no way he could keep going... On the ledge of the boat where he was standing he heard voices coming from the ocean, the voices felt like a rope pulling him in, they must have known the reason why he was debating to jump off. The voices in the ocean had felt the emotion through the tears that have dripped in it. From all the voices, one sounded distinct and loud, it was asking, “Why are you doing this? Why are you questioning the destiny I have for you?” He responded saying “To take her back from you, if your destiny requires pain, I don’t want it, and I’ll find her and make my own.” Without hesitance he jumped off and for that while, the ocean was filled with reason.
David Bojay Jan 2014
I really dont know how much time you have
Your bags are getting lower and I'm loving you a little too late
You're getting skinnier
You've lossed 30 lbs in 1 one month and I think this is your last year standing on earth
I think these are the months to pray
It's a little too late
Don't deny your sickness, when even you know you're ill
You once told my mom you dont pay the consequences here on earth, you pay them in the afterlife
You're paying them now
It must be horrible to live what you were planning to live in the afterlife
You're 25 x2 and I'm the mistake you love the most
Everytime I listen to Guilt Trip by Kanye West I shiver when Kid Cudi comes in
The line "If you loved me so much then why'd you let me go" hurts me so much
I remember you calling me a good for nothing
I think those words have become permanent to my thoughts
I think that's why I saw my self standing in a place for the hopeless a month and a half ago
I dont think I'll ever tell you that I love you face to face with pride in those words
Your figure is starting to become weak, and I'm beginning to worry
It's too late for that, I've come so far with a rope pulling me back
I think I've been walking backwards these passed 5 years
I didn't realize it before then
I don't think I know you well enough
I wish I knew who you truly are, soon to be were
What I do know is that you always pointed at my mother and yelled negativity
Now you're pointing at what grave you want to get buried in
You're paying death in my world you caused hell in
Consequences come in unexpected ways
I guess thats why death is catching you offguard
8 straight years hearing yells I hated
I was tired of it, but used to it as well
I'll always be your son.... dad
I wish things turned out differently
I wish you knew that deep down, I love you
The love you didn't show is slowly tying a rope around your neck
You'll always be my dad, you'll always be the monster I was scared of when I was little
You'll always be the screams of negativity in my ears that keep me awake some nights
You'll always be the July 29th I remember, always
You'll always be what made me who I am now
A suicidal passionate artist
And my friends will always try to defeat my inner war with their consoling words
What they don't know is that you'll always be with me
Even when I'm experiencing success
You'll always be there, to bring me down
And I love you for that..... dad
You'll always be my dad
And I'll always be your son you never showed love to
I love you
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