I know that I hurt you
I’m sorry for what i did
I never meant to lie to you
about all the things that I hid
I never meant to run away
whenever we got into a fight
I always came back because I loved you
and I wanted to make things right
I meant it when I said I wanted to be with you forever
I meant it when I promised to stand by your side through whatever
whenever we were apart
all I did was think of you
I thought of all the good times
as well as the bad times too
My heart belongs to you
you had me from the start
if I ever had to live without you
I think I’d fall apart
I’m really sorry I hurt you
I know I can’t take back what I did
I’ll do all I can to make up for it
and all the secrets that I hid

I cant recall the curve of your body....
I can only see the bend of your smile...
How at night I never slept more comfortable....
On a single bed close to you....
We danced on linoleum dance floors...
With appliance audience.....
Endless selfies together....
Everyone called me.... "Us".....
We saved the planet every morning....
By sharing a shower... Where I know we got dirtier....
The way everyday i picked you up from work...
You ran into my arms like a child....
I knew you since we were small....
You were my sisters best friend....
You became mine....
I still love you... And probably always will....
My dear sweet Terri- Annn....
You are my reason for believing in love...
Keep my heart it was always yours...
And if you want to dance or laugh...
Ill be here in the kitchen with arm extended....
To tell you a joke....
Because i cant remember the curve of your body...
But i lived for the bend of your smile....

A day is not the same without you now....
Like i remember days before that....
I close my eyes not because im scared....
They are now floodgates against incredible torrents....
I used to be able to figure out "why?....."
Now its just a flurry of pain....
A familiar shot to the gut....
I cant miss them anymore.....
I cant say the worst is over....
Everyday it seems worse than the day before.....
Oh sadness my dear friend...
We can never be enemies....
Cause i know you would **** me.....

I wanted to make this something special....
To show her that I finally expressed myself.....
That time you said....
"You never buy me anything...."
Oh now the gift is bought....
Im nervous.....
Could this really be it....
Oh look there she is....
My hands are shaking... My foreheaad  sweat drips on the letter in my hand.....
Maybe flowers would have been a nice touch??
No lets not get carried away here....
Ok lets not beam with happiness... After all this is serious.....
After five years you are gonna say those words....
Wish her parents could be here....
I get down on one knee........
So she dosen't have to stand... She hates standing....
And look her right in the eyes..... hand her my gift.....
An official looking letter... With a Logo of a law offfice....
Put my hand out...
Oh oh....... She thinks this is something else.....
Better tell her those three words... She opens the letter...
Her smile turns to tears....
She looks at me and mutters "Really?..."
Yes sweetheart.... I finally committed...
Thats my lawyers name...
He says you cannot use my daughter against me anymore.... Oh heres those three words....
"Im leaving you...."

I could steal your car... Before you stole my heart....
Thats when I felt  "Our"  love truly start....
I looked like hell....My eye black from fights...
Before my darkness was engulfed in your light....
My weapons of hate kept always near....
Being with you... I forgot all my fear......
My backwards hat... The way i used to dress.....
I must have looked Stupid....... Now i dress for success...
Jail wasn't just seeing my crew.....
It was a hell  that kept me away from you....
My "*******'s!" and Angry stares....
Are now opening doors.... And pulling out chairs
The respect I  "Earned"..... Being told " I Must..."
Means nothing now.... I only want your trust....
Break and enters now a thing in the past...
Because you entered my heart and I want that to last....
Loud music to endless Screams.....  
Are now quiet whispers.... Having you in my dreams....
Being an object of someone elses fear...
I know what im scared of... Not having you near...
The concrete heart I used to never feel...
For the first time feels vulnerable... Open and  Real.....
All my girls.... My one night stands...
I now tell them all .......Im your "Man".....
Ive been stabbed... Beaten.... Ive been shot....
Losing you would hurt worse... Your all i've got....
I no longer see rivals and want to attack...
I know that you truly ......"Got my back".....
No more white rags to feel I belong......
Your what ive been missing all along....
No longer do I want a connection to "crime"...
I just wanna be with you..... All the time....
I cant believe that your not scared of my past....
I am terrified.... me and you wont last....
Because before you were a "hunny" a "shorty" A "boo"
Now I dont have a word amazing enough to describe You...
To you I was never a  GANGSTER..... I was only ever DAVE...
And to me you were an ANGEL... who deemed me worthy to SAVE.....

I remember when she would always chase me....
Like the times she would never let me be....
I remember she was a problem an obstacle to fun.....
When she would ask me why she wasnt my number one....
Oh i didnt have time... Ill be right back....
Then she would call crying... What a baby a hack....
I told all my friends  that she was a joke....
Another clinger only good for a poke.....
Then I got no call... To tears beating on phone....
I guess she got tired of being left all alone....
I only  thought that she would always be there....
Even if she left what would i care...
Turns out I pushed her way too far....
Never told her that she was my bright shining star....
My sun.... My world..... The reason I breathe....
Now i get it... A pain I could never concieve...
Just like sand she slipped through my hand....
All she ever wanted was for me to understand...
That she was rare.. A diamond among Stones....
Now i guess its me the one left alone...
She gave me my shot...  My one time chance....
At a love that compares to the greatest romance...
Then  it was too late.... to her house i ran...
But she had the look meant for me... In the arms of another man...
Now I know im not dumb... Im actually very smart...
I can accept that this was never  her fault....
Im to blame... I broke my Heart....

36 hrs ..... seems like almost a day maybe a half..... elevator rides uncomfortable talks with them....
A hopeful presentation to your forever.... Stale sandwiches in a line of comfortable sweats.....
Knowing that you were gonna be someones hero.... hungover like a villain...
Theres no bat phone where you live... The best example may be close to an Alfred....
I prayed to a saline bag..... Begging him or her to ease some pain.... Not because she was hurting...
Because you were hurting when she was in pain....
A memory of that night...... That morning and you knew the best of you was theirs....
Telling the other one you had a duty... Because you still inside missed the first….
A quiet conflict because you barely knew her.... And at the same time remember every moment...
The moment is not a Time its an Emotion.... a Florescent room.... a Readers Digest the copy of Motor weekly....
The quiet broken promise....... Now everything is just a contained mess....
A night when you drove to her house just after midnite.... Telling her that gr 10 and pregnant was not her fault...
But not ready to be blamed...
A car full of friends on a birthday everyone will remember.... Not you.... An invitation was just another responsibility...
Then it was a desperate attempt to build a Castle... A futon in the midlle of a tiny living room...
The shame of your mother when you called her grandma... Disappointment was now all they expected... Now being the exact definition of Expected Disappointment...
A jewellery store... The lady with thick rimmed glasses muttering "Your too young"...
Feeling that the 6 months with her could be stretched....
The first time I felt YOU move.....
Now knowing that no matter how bad I was at everything.... You will now always be the best....
Those were the nights you weren' t wasted... Now you realize wasted isnt an Emotion Its a Time...
Maybe it was that time she fell asleep in tears... Because less than two months before her mom made me sleep on the floor...
Her mom was right i hated her all along but the outcome would be as comforting as it was frightening....
I could say anything to make you sleep with me but nothing made you feel loved...
Your letters stopped having those hearts over i's.... You all the sudden became 6'4... And all i could do was try to hold you...
No more all night parties... Opening walls to find  hidden furnaces..... Eviction notices.... Disconnect letters.... Empty bank accounts....That could no longer be "normal".....
Those two days of stimulated sundowns and then sun ups.....
You should have never come there... I was the mistake a dark eyed monster....
The baby blue car.... A 45 minute ride.... A realization that birth isnt just on Tv....... This was happening!!.....
And you truly brought your best...
If i could live that moment again i would wear a suit....
How my ridiculous spikes were a hairstyle no longer approved.... Maybe a butler... Because you know now...
How that moment where you saw each other will be Forever....
That nite where 36hrs no longer mattered because it was time you were without her....
A heaven spelled backwards... Not just a name but a promise......
She aged a lifetime that night.... A choice was made….. A quiet contract between them...
Oh god why didnt i sign?.. All the teddy bears in the world would mean nothing now....
I cant remember a ***** diaper... A day of teething.... Her first sounds or The time she wanted me.....
Sorry is not a word that can be ok.... I cant tell her sorry….. I don’t deserve to feel ok….
36hrs is just about the time it takes to never be a man…. I was not doing them a favor they never told me "No"….
I can only hope I was 36 hrs of someone else's pain….
Because I can not remember anything before that……..