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Monika Apr 2014
I won't write about how many constellations I could form with your freckles or how there are an endless collection of galaxies hidden underneath your eyelids. you see, I fell in love with the way you drank your coffee and the way you would always wake up at 4 am just so you could watch the sun come up because you always found him so ******* beautiful; I still wish you had thought of me that way. I'm still trying to get over your laughter and the way your eyes shined so brightly I was convinced I would someday go blind. it's nearly been five months but you somehow always find your way into my poems no matter how they start out. this is my way of saying I miss you. I am not angry anymore, I simply wish I would stop writing so many poems about you because they won't ever bring you back. I stay up all night thinking of you. I don't even know where you are in this world but I do know I can't reach you. it seems the stars were not aligned in our favor. maybe we were not meant to be but I can't get myself to admit that because it hurts too much. I can't wash you out of my hair and I am not sure I want to.
Monika Apr 2014
WAR
FIGHTING FOR MYSELF IS THE HARDEST THING I HAVE EVER HAD TO DO I SWEAR THE BLOOD RUNNING THROUGH MY VEINS IS BLUE AND HOW IS ANYONE SUPPOSED TO LOVE ME WHEN I CAN'T LOVE ME NO ONE WANTS A GIRL WITH SCARS NO ONE UNDERSTANDS THAT YOU DON'T NEED TO BE A SOLDIER TO GO TO WAR THERE ARE PLENTY OF BATTLEFIELDS INSIDE MY OWN HEAD SOME DAYS I CAN'T EVEN GET OUT OF BED LET ALONE LEAVE THE HOUSE THERE ARE FAR TOO MANY BLOODSTAINS ON MY BLOUSE
Monika Apr 2014
They tell me you're a monster.
They tell me you are
no good for me
and all you'll ever do is add fuel
to the fire that is burning inside of me
but you tell me that fire
is what you love about me.
You tell me it is what keeps me alive
and without it I'd be cold
and I would never
be able to keep you warm.
I tell you I will never leave you.
I will never leave you.
I will put you back together
no matter how many pieces are left
on the floor.
Monika Mar 2014
Time flies.
Before you know it,
you're not six,
but sixteen
and you can't even remember
what you were feeling
when you rode a bike for the first time.
You can't remember what you felt
when you first accomplished something–something big.
You can't wrap your mind around the fact that you're two years away from
being considered an adult
because you sure don't feel like one.
In fact,
you find it amusing
because you're not even responsible
enough to know what to wear in the mornings.
It's crazy to think that we are just kids
who swear we know the future.
We think our words will take us halfway around the world
but most of us won't even leave this town
and that girl who dreams of the city
will never see New York.
When we were younger,
we thought being teenagers
would be heaven.
We dreamt of makeup
and parties
and sneaking out to kiss the cute boy
across the street
but nobody ever bothered to tell us that
there would be days when we no longer want to live or, rather, days where we
feel so numb we'll do anything to feel something because truth is,
we feel kind of dead inside
and all we want is to feel alive.
and so we swallow pills
and we cut open our skin
in hopes of getting rid of the monsters
inside our heads that follow us every day,
even though everyone told us
they'd be stuck under our beds.
it seems like just yesterday
you were playing with dolls
and now you're writing poems about a boy who won't ever see you
the way you see him.
It's hard for any of us to realize that
in a year we won't remember
this very moment
and you won't remember how fast
your heart beat when he held your hand
for the first time
because in reality,
feelings don't last forever.
Nothing lasts forever.
Monika Feb 2014
I had always been
the one pushing everyone away.
I had always been too scared
of my own feelings to ever truly
give into them.
I had always been the coward
but somehow with him,
I was the brave one.
I was willing to put
my fears aside for him
and I managed to ignore
all the loud voices in my head
until eventually they became quiet enough
to go unnoticed.
He was always picking his cigarettes
over me and I often wondered how
he could choose letting his lungs deteriorate
over someone who loved him
as much as I did.
He would yell at me when I asked him to quit
and when I got upset,
he'd hold me in his arms
and say that I would leave him eventually
but they never would.
He never truly saw just how much
I loved him.
He was so convinced
that I was too good for him,
that he was the darkness and I was the light.
"Baby," I'd tell him,
"I know that you believe your heart
is made of coal
but I have seen the truest parts of you
and I need you to know that there are
constellations hidden inside of you,
you've just gotta let those stars shine."
Some nights, he'd kiss my neck
and hold my hips so tightly
he'd leave bruises
but he always stopped himself mid-kiss
to tell me we could never work.
He said this so often
I eventually started to believe him.
Monika Jan 2014
I thought being without you
would be a lot easier than this.
I never, for a second, thought
that it would be this ******* hard.
There are some easy days
where I can throw my head back
and laugh and I won't even think
of you for a couple of hours.
On nights like this I wake up
with your name on my tongue
and I can feel your lips
on every part of my body.
I swear I've tried so hard
to scrub them off of me
but I'm afraid there aren't
enough soap bottles to erase
the memory of you.
Monika Jan 2014
I started writing about you in the summer,
when the sun was too bright
and my hands were always sweaty.
My skin burned so hot, I'm still trying to
figure out how your fingers didn't melt
right off of me. It's winter now,
I can see my breath when I go outside
and my toes are cold enough that
I can no longer feel them.
The weather has changed and you're no
longer here. Not physically, at least.
You still somehow find your way into my
head and maybe the words I keep writing
aren't really helping me get rid of you.
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