Laying on his chest pretending it's home
Interpreting his lips against to mean more than just tonight
Kissing back like it means hope for tomorrow
Letting his sweat sink into you with the reality of what this is
This is temporary
This is only now
This is make-believe passion
This is fading ink stain
This is it doesn't matter how good you look
This is it doesn’t’ matter how good you are
This is he doesn't care
This is he wont call back
This is twisting lust into love when it is not even close and you can't say you didn't see it coming when it does because it happens every time you spend a night with a new him

You are trying to fill the void of old
You are trying to build future out of dust
There is no room for love to blossom in drought and that is exactly what this is
This pretending is a dehydrated sky crying for rain and
There is no home to be built here
His chest is not yours to call it
His lips only translate to right now
Kissing back will not extend the time
And his sweat mixed with yours is nothing more than an ocean
Be careful not to drown
He will not save you.

Learning to love my body is like trying to get comfortable in a rental home; no matter how often I rearrange things to look differently, it still doesn’t feel like my own.

There's a lot you will never know about me
And there's a lot I will never tell you

You will never know what I am like at 4am restless, tossing and turning
My body tired, but my mind running in circles until it finally comes to a halt and I crash
I can easily fall
Over
Apart
And in love
But I still can't fall asleep

You will never know about my past lovers and the hearts I've built into home
You will never know how I've molded every moment into memory
I etch the details into staying longer than they should
I remember too much too well

You will never know the roughness of hands that have touched me and how their glass fingers left me scarred
I am skilled at pretending I haven't been stolen enough times to feel detached
I can make-believe love to you like I don't know pain
Like I know exactly who I'm with
But I keep the lights on for a reason

You will never know about how I feel
You will ask me every time and I will say okay
You will ask me if I'm okay and I will say yes because I don't know how to say otherwise
I don't want you to know that I'm not sometimes
Being strong is the only choice I have

You will never know my weaknesses
You will never know me vulnerable
You will call me tough like a compliment
Like being a force built of bricks takes any bit of courage
You will watch me chug whisky like water
You will tell me that it's impressive without understanding the power in being able to choose my own bitterness
And how much better it tastes on my own terms
You will watch me love nicotine, not knowing that I am capable of loving you so much more than substance

You know my middle name
You know how I look with your hands in my hair
You know my teeth biting lip
You know what I smell like
You have seen me without clothing
But there is a lot you will never know about me
And there is a lot I will never tell you
Because you'll never ask.

Tell me when it was
The first time you learned to hate yourself
The first time you tripped over your own fault lines
And started taking caution in every step
When did it happen?
Was it at 10?
When your shaking hands couldn't hold still
And the shame of them drove you into isolation
Maybe it's because others noticed
Or because they did their best to make it clear you were different
I don't think you know
That the rhythm you had and still have
Is unlike the rest
It is crooked and uneven but beautiful nonetheless
You didn't know it then
And accepting unsteadiness is easier said than done

Tell me when it was
The first time you learned to hurt yourself
Could it have been at 13?
When the weight of too much pressure motivated you to lose it
To the point where bones stuck out more than your voice
Loud girl became quiet that year
And then even more so the next
When your changing body didn't morph the way you would have liked it to
Left you shaped uncomfortably
A little too top heavy
The kind that drew unwanted attention
At a time when standing out was the last thing you desired
You turned skin into a battlefield into remnants from too many losses
Wrists became front lines, then hips, then neck until
You became too much destruction to keep the war going
You learned that it is impossible to win in a fight against yourself

Tell me when it was
The first time you learned to forget yourself
Was it at 15?
When the sacrifice of your body wasn't enough
To make a careless boy love you
It was a silly thing to give it all away
When you barely had enough of you for yourself
Your efforts changed after that
Trying too hard turned into not trying at all
Feeling too much turned into feeling nothing at all
You learned to repress and erase
And start over in the morning
You have been heavy from trying to hide away for so long

Tell me when it is
The first time you learn to love yourself
Will finally be after all of the years of disappointment?
Of self-deprecation?
When you realize you deserve more
Than to be the dust swept off to the side
Deserve better than to be an ashed out version of your potential
You were not meant to be wasted
You were not meant to be washed out and pushed down
You were meant to stand tall

The first time you learn to love yourself
Will be when you realize flaw is inevitable
When your skin turns itself different colors
And nothing can be done to change it
You will then learn acceptance

The first time you learn to love yourself
Will be when you stop comparing
When you look in the mirror and see only yourself in the reflection
Nobody else
You were meant to be here
You were meant to embrace it all
This body
This skin
This image
The only one you will ever have
The same one you will have to love
And eventually you will,
You'll learn how to.

How is it that you can be
Loved by so many people,
And still not love yourself?

You use too many big words
You say inevitable too often
You are addicted to nicotine
Smoke cigarettes too frequently
You drink too much when you do
And when you do,
You're a mess
I know all of this
But I want to know your secrets,
Your fears,
Your nightmares,
Your happiness,
I want to know it all
I just don't know to ask
Or how to find words big enough to make up for the courage I lack
Maybe a better vocabulary could suffice for the pride I do not have
My interest in you has always been inevitable and I don't mind it
I stopped smoking weeks ago and I've never needed to
But I keep a pack for when and if I need to feel burning sensation
I only drink on rare occasion
And when I do it is never more than a glass
I am not reckless and
I am not a lot like you but I like you
I like your habits
Both good as well as bad
And I want to be one of them.

I don't know what it's like to run a hand along your jawline. I don't know how it would feel to bury my fingers in your hair.
I don't know if you prefer wine to hard liquor.
I don't know if you stretch the moment your alarm goes off in the morning or if you roll back into your sheets after pressing snooze.
I don't know a lot about the scar on the right side of your chest. I've only seen it once.
I don't know what your eyes look like when you really love something.


I remember you asking,
“What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever been through?”
I knew what your response would be before it left your mouth. I hesitated to answer with my own and you said I didn't have to. It is nights like these when I wish I did.


When I see you it is mostly outside of houses where I don't belong and which you are familiar with, places where you have an abundance of friends and I have too many drinks.

You say that we'll talk soon and I remind you that you are terrible at texting. You laugh because it's true. I laugh to keep myself from spilling out my admiration for you. I laugh because your smile provides insight on how to be freer. I laugh with the hopes that doing so will teach me.
_

There is an equal amount of things I know about you and things I don't.
I don’t know if your eyes grow wide and out at the sight of what makes you happy, I don't know how they look when you really love something.
I’d like to find that out.
I’d like to see you looking up at me one day and for me to just know.

I miss you today and
The sky is more blue than I swear it has ever been
It reminds me of your skin looked in cold temperature,
The way your hands would curl from lack of circulation
I miss them too.
It rained yesterday and it reminded me of
How much we both loved thunderstorms and falling asleep to the sound of them
You said you slept better next to me than anyone else but I am more of a hurricane than anything else,
The way my downpour came in tidal waves.
Withstanding both the wind and reckless was a challenge but
It was something you did so effortlessly
I miss you so effortlessly
I do without trying to
Like a body held still with phantom limbs
Like hands that reach forward out of habit and discover a part now missing
I have learned how it feels to long for the nonexistent
To wake in the morning to an absence of comfort laying where you used to rest your head
Some days I don't want to get out of bed but
I do because you would have wanted me to
Like the way the sun wants to watch trees grow instead of hear branches snap
I never intended to split directly in half but the winter is colder than I expected it to be and
My skin has turned bark in its roughness
It is cracking in too many places and it is not very pretty to look at
I spent too long creating myself out of iron for you to have to see me rust like this
I'm sorry.

There are things I want to tell you but
They are things I cannot tell you
Because your ears are not here to listen and if I were to,
The confession would make me more vulnerable than I ever intended on being,
It would scrape me raw and paint me weak to tell you that this life is
A lot harder to navigate without you living it with me
My sense of direction has always been shaky but now every route to future is tangled in your veins
I am used to tracing them to get home and
I don't know how to get there anymore
24 hours have never seemed longer than they do now and
Nights come much sooner when there is no reason to go outside
I have learned that the sun can't blind you if you don't show your face to it
I stay in out of precaution
My sight is fading and
It is colorless without you to fill in the intricacies
I do not see like I used to
I keep them closed because these eyes have nothing to search for knowing they wont find you in their path of vision,
I want to tell you about the moon
That it seems to be growing bigger and bigger as I shrink into myself further and
I can't remember a time when I felt as whole as she appears glowing against blackness
If only I looked that beautiful in half, in crescent form
The stars here are so bright that this city of mine could be mistaken for rural landscape
They stand out every evening and tell me to look at them
I want to tell you to look too
But I know you have already seen them
I know you are the one who put them in the sky in the first place,
Hung them delicately on their hooks and said,

"Look what I built for you,
I put these up carefully with my own hands,
See? I haven't forgotten how to make you smile."

And you're right, you haven't.

It is another one of those early mornings when hatred spews out of my body and aims for itself, I never miss. I have always been good at reaching targets, even better when I myself am bullseye.
I shoot directly for the mirror. Into my thighs, my chest, this mountain range of a body. I send my angry in a direct path towards my folds, my stomach, my skin, in all that is human. I launch bombs on my own territory like it's what I've been sent to do, like I was made to destroy what I have spent my whole life building.
I ask why it so easy to rip apart the things I've put together myself. I ask why it feels so normal to want to break down the rafters of the only shelter I will ever be able to use for protection.
I blame everything else before I blame me. I blame the girls with bodies like sunsets, that contrast my mid-day average sky of a figure. I blame the dresses that I cannot fit into, the way they **** the life out of me every time I can't stretch them past my hips. I blame genetics with absolutely no knowledge of science behind me.
I want to blame society for the hate that has been multiplying inside of me but at the end of the day I am still the one who does the math. It is still me who pours self-deprecation over my head to shower in all of the things I cannot wash out. It is still me who incites hurricane upon every part of myself that is impossible to change by nature. I am the one who detonates my disappointments like the explosion will somehow change the way I look, like the aftermath of destruction will leave me with anything but empty and wreckage.
I often forget that it is me who spoon feeds myself memories of failure at every meal. It is me who hands over guilt every time I reach for the snooze button to fall back asleep. I even shove myself in fault to depression, cover myself in darkness and then wonder why there is no light to be seen. I am the culprit in it all.
In the mornings when my mind is still circling to figure out where it left off, I point it in the direction of negative. I take all of the crooked and pile it up to remind myself of the mismatch. When I take aim at my reflection, I never miss.
I direct the ****** of my mistakes, vulnerability and insecurity directly towards my image. I have become the hitman of my own assassination. My fall into disaster is wholeheartedly my own doing. I am the best of the best when it comes to this form of damage. I never miss.

I'll be honest
I'm not exactly sure how to write myself pretty
I don't think I'm capable of making desire out of words
Or forming the way I sound into something you would want to fall asleep to
I cannot mold my body into a figure that you would want next to yours for more than one night
I have more passion in myself than I know what to do with
I often give it out as hope for people to take in their hands, find something good in all of my chaos
Everyone always advises not to fall face first in love
Forgetting that the those who fall by accident
Often land the hardest
Hitting the ground full force
Cheek against the pavement
I was built with 206 bones in my body
And I will break all of them from my mistakes
Before I dare to stop falling
The crash is worth the high
Ask me every time when I am still hung over from yesterday
And I will always say yes
Having regrets has always seemed better
Than having nothing at all
I was born with steel layed out upon my chest
All of these attempts at language
Are done with the intention
Of removing some weight off of it
I have been made heavy by my own silence on too many occasions
At times I have been told not to speak
That my lips should be kept shut for protection
There are bolts on my jaw
My tongue is sandpaper
And I will risk grinding my teeth for the possibility of igniting a flame
Inside someone who has spent years trying to find a lit match
Let me be the thing that starts a fire
Rhyming doesn't always incite romance
But I can try my best
See the problem is that there are so many ways to say I love you
But not enough to make them love you
The problem is having a million things to say
And a million ways to say them
But not knowing the right way how to
There is no right or wrong here
Only hold back or release
So stutter instead of staying quiet
It is much more beautiful on paper
To disregard format, or style
And structure
I will mess up
As best as I can
And in the morning
Look at it again
Remember how it felt
To live
Then reread,
Review,
And edit.

New year, new me, I say it always
It is a new year but I am still the old, aching heart and tired bones from chasing for so long
These hands fold backwards trying to find something to put in them, really anything that fits will do
It is just like me to constantly be looking to fill the emptiness

New year, new me, I say jokingly
But I do not laugh when I start to miss you
It is a new year but I am still stuck on the last, when one month turned to six
We met in June and on December 31st you decided to cleanse yourself of me entirely
It is January 2nd and I can't say I've done the same

New year, new me, she is not new
I am waiting for the ring to appear on her finger
Your recycled promise will be on whatever diamond cut you choose and
When she slips it on, I almost can swear I'll hear my pinky break from the weight of all the let down it carried
I tried to hold it all, I did

New year, new me
I am a quarter of a half of what used to be whole
I have never been very good at math but you taught me how to count
Days waiting, it has been 151 since you were supposed to come back
I have learned minds change like seasons come, slowly then all at once
It is winter and I don't know who you are anymore

New year, same me
Maybe I'll be different by the time the next one rolls around.

I can't believe I ever wanted you
I can't believe I ever needed you
I can't believe I ever cared for you
I can't believe I ever loved you
I can't believe I still do.

This year I vow to change for the better but remain constant in my being. This year I vow to embrace this body, this skin, this figure, the only one I will ever have. I vow to love myself before I do anyone else. This year I vow to listen. I vow to be open ears and heart. This year I vow to be patient, to be still and trusting. I will not let the past spoil expectation. I will be as hopeful as I am eager for opportunity. This year I vow to not take health for granted, to appreciate the existence of it when good and accept the challenge when it is not. This year I vow to let nothing break me. Not disease, depression, or person. I will not fall victim to weakness. I will do my best to be as human as I can possibly be while also being understanding of human flaw. This year I vow to not judge. I vow to welcome the unknown with outstreched arms and a wider perspective. This year I will not hold on to mistakes with closed fists. I will let go of what is not meant to stay. This year I will try and do all of the things I've sworn I'd do a million times before. This year I will try again. This year I will try my best.

Sometimes I wonder if
I would actually love you if
You actually loved me

Rainy days are where
I fold myself into a pillow
Wrap body in blankets until
I am a cocoon of warmth
Mismatched and look
Absolutely ridiculous
I proceed to glue
Myself to couch and
Reread every book I've ever
Loved until my eyes
Hurt from looking for
Too long and then
Watch movies that make
Me cry because the sky
Is also crying so
It's okay for me to do it too
Sometimes during a
Storm I will wallow in
Self-pity while filling my
Soul with macaroni and cheese that
Is shaped like characters
In order for children to
Like it better
I like it better too like that
On rainy days like today I
Don't go outside or
Leave the house because
I hate when my socks get wet
That is the worst
Thing in the world
Occasionally when it
Rains I will write every
Poem I have left inside of
Me because it is much easier
To pour out everything
When you are not the
Only one who is wringing dry
And empty
I wonder if the
Ocean likes storms
As much as I do
I've been meaning to
Ask but I keep forgetting to
It is a great excuse to
Stay inside and do
Nothing at all
I love doing
Nothing at all on days
Like today
Rainy days are when I can
Pretend it is always this
Loud and quiet at
The same time it
Is always too loud and
Too quiet but
Never at the same time
So I remain a
Curled ball of feelings
With the sound of
Nature behind me
Rainy days are
The only days
When it is considered
Okay to
Be this way.

My summer love
We met on a warm Los Angeles evening
When the air was still and quiet
Cigarette smoke filling our lungs
I asked you for your secrets
You handed them over willingly
I placed mine in your palms for you to keep
As we talked minutes into hours
Into 4am and restlessness
The only time I have ever been content without sleep
My summer love
What a coincidence it was
To have met you when I did
What a convenience it wasn't
That you were from the other side of the country
Thousands of miles away in New York City
You left with the promise of return
But I think I knew you never would
My summer love
It has been more than a while
Since the few nights we spent together
Tangled and curling
Our bodies molding with familiarity
The irony of us as strangers
Loving like we weren't
I barely knew you then
I hardly know you now
But I am content
My summer love
We were never meant to last more than the week
Our lives were as different as we were passionate
Caught up in the moment
I am glad to have known you when I did
But realistic enough to accept past tense
You could not have loved me longer
Even if you tried to
I am glad you didn't
I am not sure it would have been worth it
What we had for that short time in June
Is something I will keep forever
It was fun while it lasted
But we ourselves,
Were not meant to.

You can turn someone into poetry
But you can't make them love you.

There wasn't a lot
I could do for you
With the distance and everything else
I couldn't give you much
Only some small piece of myself
And the image of my body bare
For you to keep
I would like to think the fantasy I spun
Helped you in some way
I know it probably didn't
And it was foolish nonetheless to play a game of falsity
The reality of us sunk in too deeply
Too quickly
And all at once
Our future,
There was none
I forget that in reference
I didn't have the time to care
So I stopped all at once
I'm sorry for that
I hope I broke your heart enough
For you to be able to write a song about it
Maybe melody and lyrics
With some semblance of us in them
I hope wherever you are
You are getting closer to happy
I hope you still think of me.
I know you do.

I am cleansing myself
Ridding my body of toxins
So that the next time
I open my mouth
You wont spill out of it.

In August you told me you would be home in a few weeks
I had hoped it would be sooner than that
It's a lot later now and I am still waiting
The chill of mid December has arrived
January is approaching quickly
You are completely out of sight
But not out of mind
It has been close to six months
And your ghost still talks me to sleep every night
It's hard for me to believe that I ever believed you
But I did
You said you were coming back for me
It's almost the new year
And I wonder how it is that I am still thinking about you
I am still thinking about you
Wondering if you ever think of me too
I am still holding on to your promise like it wasn't built of string
It broke the second you gave it to me
But I held on like my loyal hands could fix it
I know I should let go now
Maybe that will be my new years resolution
To forget you
For real this time
Maybe my new years resolution
Will have less to do with hoping
And more to do with changing
Cleaning out the contents in my box of future
Most things in it have reached their expiration date
Maybe my new years resolution
Will be to wipe your name from my vocabulary
To make it into a word I am unfamiliar with
Maybe my new years resolution will be
To stop checking your page to see if you are happy
I want to be the one who is happy
I know you still follow me
The past months have been spent showcasing my life
In hopes that you'll see it
And wish you were a part of it
Maybe my new years resolution should be
To stop wishing you were a part of it
Placing dreams on stars that have already burnt out
I am devoting myself to that task
And training myself to not love you anymore
But it's only Christmas eve.
So I've still got some time.

Nature doesn't let
Cement stop it
From growing
It still manages
To peek out
Through sidewalks
And concrete
Nature doesn't let
Anything stop it
From exisiting

So tell me,
What's your excuse?

You are not in my bed
But you are still
In my sheets
I have tried to
Wash you out
By cleaning them
Repeatedly
But it just isn't
Working
There is not a
Laundry machine
In the world
That could rid you
From the fabric
Of where we used to lay
Together
Molded by the formation
Of our pressed bodies
Stained with sweat
Our ***,
A pathetic excuse
For intimacy
It was not love
But whatever it was
Is gone now
I have tried to
Erase you
From the pattern
Of the blanket
I sleep with
It is the only
Warmth I have left
We used to drift off
Wrapped up in
Each other's skin
Holding to shake
The fear from
Our bones
The inevitability
Of tomorrow
We were never
Made to last
You faded
Right before
My eyes
Everything your hands
Have ever touched
Of mine
Still has your prints
On it
The material
Can't let you go
And neither can I.

My drawers don't shut completely. My socks are everywhere. I am wearing jeans that are too blue. I have been staying up late at night just to think more. The gym is just a few feet too far to push myself to. I'm surprised these jeans still fit. My lips are chapped from the winter which makes no sense considering I live in California. There is a rash on my chest that won't go away. I haven't written a decent poem in weeks. Most of them just turn into ramblings and lists of all of things I should be but am not. There are a lot of things I want to be but am not. I get along just fine for the most part. I get by for the majority of the time. I think I’m doing alright. I'm a mess to say the least.

I want to be intimate with you
Not bare bodied and touching
But a different sort
I want to see your soul as it is
Stripped down into nothing
Your demons in their raw existence
I want to hold each one on its own
Until I can understand how it feels to live them
I want to hear your voice scratchy and strained at 3am
And listen as words fall from your mouth into mine
Late night thoughts and questions
I want to learn your mind like it is the only book I will ever read
Memorize it top to bottom like it is my bible
You are enough religion for me to understand why we're here
I want to understand you
I want your dreams to come to me like I can make them real
Tell me your secrets like I am the journal you have been hoping to find
The empty pages you have been waiting to fill your whole life
I want to know it all
I want to know your fears
Your worries
Your happiness
And everything that keeps you up at night
I want to be the thing that keeps you up at night
I want to be the morning sun that you cannot wait to wake to
And when you do,
I will continue to get to know you better

I don't need your hands on me
Or your skin against mine
To be close to you
The best form of intimacy
Is loving someone without knowing how it feels
To touch them without clothes on
The best form of intimacy
Is realizing you can open yourself up completey without holding anything back
The best form of intimacy
Is laughing and not caring at all how you sound
The best form of intimacy
Is talking for minutes that turn into hours that turn into tomorrow
The best form of intimacy
Is time spent wasting
The best form of intimacy
Is moments
Is patience
Is devotion and commitment
With no guarantee of satisfaction
It is surrender
It is vulnerability
It is now
The best form of intimacy
Is quiescence
It is the purest method
Of affection.

You say you want romance
That you want it all painted out

You tell me you crave
Something beautiful
Vivid enough
For you to be able to stare
At it all day
And never lose interest

Well I'm not much of an artist
But I think I could be for you

I could draw in the features
Fill in the details
And color by number
Every single part of the picture
It might take me a while
But I've got time

My hands are unsteady
So forgive me if some lines
Are a bit uneven
I cannot promise you perfection
But I can try my best

I would take the steps to learn
How to capture passion
On a simple piece of paper
I would train myself in the talent
So that one day I could create
With a level of skill
Superior to others

See I am not much of an artist
But for you I would be
So I could paint the romance
That you want so badly

I am not much of an artist
But for you I would be
So I could paint you that image,
The one you've always wanted
And put both of us in it.

You cannot love
Two people at once
Even if they are on opposite sides
Of the country
Even if one is on the west coast
And the other is on the east
It still isn't possible
Eventually you will mix feelings like liquor
Forgetting how many shots of promise you've offered to each
How many times you've poured their glasses half empty
It is reckless behavior
That never ends well
Only in sickness and a headache in the morning

You cannot care
For two souls equally
It is not fair
To separate passion in half
When it is only meant to be given as a whole
And one will surely sense the uneven in the balance
Like a sinking boat with a crack in the base
Water flows to a side and leaves the other drowned
Gasping for air
For some sense of meaning
The sea is too dangerous to dive directly in
And it's impossible to be everybody's saviour
So don't promise rescue
To both
When you only have one flotation device

You cannot hold
Two hearts together
At the same time
Your hands are not big enough
They are too clumsy to balance the weight of disappointment
And theirs will be heavy when your shaking fingers release them
Dropping everything you've attempted to fit inside
Disaster will takeover
A hurricane of hurt will rush in
Leaving you empty and barren
With open palms
You will regret not holding on to one thing tightly
Instead you chose to grab on to two
And ended up with neither
That's what you get
For choosing quantity over quality
For stuffing your arms with more than you could carry
You get nothing
In return for greed.

He told me
That I'm not over you

He can tell
By how everything I write
Has traces of you in it

I tell him
This is not true
That I do not directly
Write about anyone
Anymore

But see,
The spaces between words
That's where you fit in
I don't even need your name
For you to be mentioned
Just a hint of your memory
Or the way I describe
A body that is no longer next to mine
Provides enough insight
For anyone to guess
That you are still very much
On my mind

You are in every sentence
Every stanza
Every syllable
Every breath

But he is wrong
To say
I am not over
When I have already passed the finish line

Yes I still write you
Everywhere
But only because
I have nowhere else to stick you
And I like the idea
Of rewriting a story
In order to remember what you want to

You sound much better in poetry
Than you do in real life
And your description tastes much better
When it is drenched in metaphor

I like to make you
Sound pretty
Even if we ended
In so much ugly

He told me
That I'm not over you

He can tell
By how everything I write
Has traces of you in it

But I am over you
I have been
For quite a while

My heart
On the other hand
Is still learning
To let go.

It is tonight
That I realize
For the first time
I am starting to forget you

I am beginning to mix up pieces of the past
Like undated polaroids
In a box that is too big-
I am not quite sure
Where exactly they fit in

I don't remember
Your laugh very well
I can only vaguely recall your smile
I see it in updated pictures
But it is not the same one I knew
It is not the one that spent hours
Folding into the crook of my neck
Or humming against the curve of my spine
The smile I see in pictures
Is different
The lips belong to someone
I am unfamiliar with
Someone I have never kissed
And the once clear snapshots
Of our moments
Are now shaded over and blurry

My biggest fear
Used to be losing you
My biggest fear now
Is being unable to
Remember you
To have you stripped
From my consciousness
It is the reaccuring nightmare
That wakes me suddenly
In the midst of comfort
I fall asleep to the same songs
You used to sing to me
But I don't even know the words anymore

There is nothing more terrifying
Than realizing
You are moving on
Nothing more frightening
Than realizing you have to
Eventually
But I don't want to forget you
I don't want to embrace
Your disappearance from my thoughts
I don't want you to evaporate
Like the rain we used to sit under
With our hands open
To catch the remnants of summer heat
I can still smell the air
And feel your warmth breath on my cheek
But the reality is
I am starting to forget
And I have never been more scared in my life

This is not about
Letting go
This is about how memory
Has the ability to shed its skin
It has been so long
That I am starting to forget how yours felt
Against my own
Your marks and your scars
Your freckles
Used to be my territory
I knew exactly where they stood
But now your body is a map
I no longer know the coordinates to
I used to take that path home
Every single night
But now I cannot even remember
The route to get to your house
You are slipping through the cracks
Of my fingers
And there is nothing
That can be done to prevent it
I super glued them together
As tightly as I could
But closed hands aren't good for much

I wonder if the people
I pursue can taste you
On my tongue when I kiss them
I keep you in my mouth
Even if the sweetness is gone

I don't want to erase you
Completely
You are fading like the end credits of a movie
I have watched too many times
I am trying to change the plot
But I know that it cannot be done
And realistically
You have been away
For quite a while now
I would ask you to stay
But my mind has already shown you the exit
Most of you
Has already left me
And tonight I am wondering
If someday the rest
Will leave too
Tonight I am hoping
That if it does,
It won't be anytime soon.

Today I touched your hands for the first time in months
They were cold
You said winter was quickly approaching
I laughed
Because winter is something California doesn't know too well
But I do
I know the below zero temperatures
How we spent those nights huddled together underneath your sheets
When your breath was the only thing in the world that could keep me warm
I kept my socks on
I always did
You said it looked silly
But you didn't mind
I think we fought most when it was chilly outside
The weather being both a catalyst for an argument
And an excuse for me to spend the night
I spent so many with you that I lost track

Today I wondered where the time went
And gave up looking when I couldn't find it
I thought about how I used to tuck my secrets into your palms
For you to keep safe
I know you probably still have them
Wedged between your knuckles
Blue from the weather
And the lack of circulation
You told me you hated it
But the color of your skin when it is cold outside is my favorite
Everything about you has always been my favorite

Today I was next to you
But tomorrow I wont be
And soon enough I will be back on the other side of the country
I can't help but hope that you will still think about me
When you are stuck in the snow and the wind blows against your flushed cheeks
I hope you think about my hands cupping your face
And how they would shake
Just to be able to hold you there
I would risk shivering for your comfort anyday

I never told you this
But you are the only warmth I have ever known that doesn't burn at the touch
You are the only fireplace that I can lay next to without catching flame
You are the only summer that exists even in the middle of a Chicago winter
Yours is the only jacket I will ever accept when I forget my own
You are my warmth
So I am going to keep you close
For as long as I possibly
I am going to keep you close
As long as you want me to,
As long as you let me.

You remember how it felt
To give yourself away
And receive nothing in return
All you ever wanted
Was to be wanted the same
You were only fourteen
When you gave everything you had
To someone you thought you loved
And it still wasn't enough
For him to love you back

You were just a kid
You're older now
And a lot has changed since
But somedays you feel almost the same as you did then
Surrounded by all of this emptiness
Gained from guarding your heart for so long
You learned how to cover up
How to build a cage within yourself
To keep everything inside
To keep your crooked from falling out
To keep your weakness from showing
And for the most part
It worked

But somedays
You still don't feel
Like you are capable of filling up the excess
Of vacant space
Like you are missing pieces
From the whole of yourself
Like you are lacking too many parts
In too many places
You could never quite satisfy anyone
Yourself included
You don't believe it
When someone tells you you're sufficient
You have never felt adequate
Never worthy
Or good
But I want you to know
That you are
That you have been
And you will always be
Enough.

Of all of the bad decisions
I've made in my life
Loving you was my favorite.

A boy told me
That the skin on my back
Is beautiful
That it makes me unique
I am not sure
If his words
Were supposed to make me feel pretty
But they made me think
Made me wonder
How a near stranger
Could admire my skin
Almost as much as I despise it

My skin
Is a combination
Of freckles
Of scars
And of spots

These marks
These sun-stained,
Disease-ridden patches
Are not beautiful
This lack of pigmentation,
Scattered formation of color
Looks more like a puzzle
Than it does human
And often times
I feel more puzzle
Than I do human
See I know what it's like
To feel your skin changing color
To feel like your body has betrayed you
The cells that are supposed to protect
Have instead chosen to neglect you
Denying their purpose
Into abandonment

I have spent hours in the mirror
Turning my reflection into stranger
Staring at these flaws
Picking apart every piece of my complexion
Until all that remains
Is insecurity
But the problem with self-hate
Is that it never ends in satisfaction
Only in disappointment
And destroying yourself
Is not an art form

There are times
When I forget
That my body is home before anything else
That it is mine
Before anyone else’s
And although it is shelter
It often feels more
Like the aftermath of a storm
A battlefield left behind
The remnants from wars fought
And wars lost

Some say
I should take pride
In the incongruity
In the mess
In this map I call my body
I have been told
To embrace the blemishes
That they merely proof
Of survival
Of being alive
Of breathing
And it is easy to say
Something is not that bad
When it isn’t you
Who it is unfolding
But this disease
Will not ruin me
It can take parts of my body
To twist into ugly
Turn my immune system against me
And leave scars as evidence
But I refuse to
Let this disease
Make me into anything but
Strength

I have spent years
Trying to find comfort in this skin I am in
Wondering
How unlucky I got
To be this mismatched
Forgetting that I am this lucky
To be this mismatched
And that originality
Is as desirable
As my skin is unclear

This skin that I bare
Does not define me
These tattoos that I have gotten
To cover up unwanted memory
Do not define me
These scales that I wear
Not by choice
But by default
Do not define me
Only I
Define me.

You make me want to
Set fire to everything
More specifically anything
That has to do with you

You make me want to
Tear off every piece of my skin
And pull out all of my hair
Just to strangle you with it

Okay
Maybe that is
A little bit
Dramatic

But you drive me
Absolutely insane

You are a bus
That I would willingly
Throw myself in front of
Just to get your attention
Although you would most likely
Keep going
Without stopping

You are so skilled
At pretending not to notice me
Talented enough
To paint my skin invisible
The way you look right past me
Is truly an art form

I am well aware
That I am not the only girl
Who plays marionette
To your puppet master hands
But I am the only one
Who is content
With having them around
My neck

You make me want to
Sharpie all of your faults
On to your forehead
For the whole world to see

You make me want to
Stand on top of a cliff
And proclaim every single thing
That is wrong with you
For the whole world to hear

Calling you terrible,
Awful,
And cruel
Is easy

But if you were to call me
At 2 am
I would probably still give in

I would drop everything
Just to see you
For a moment

I would sacrifice my pride,
My dignity
Just to spend a night
With your body

You make me want to
Do a lot of things to you
In more ways than one

And that is exactly
What the problem is

I don't hate you
But you make me want to
You make me wish I did.

I ask when you are coming back
I ask when you are coming home
After being miles apart for months
I am starting to miss you

You tell me Wednesday
I tell you
That is when I leave
And disappointment washes over my tongue
Knowing that it will be months more
Before I get to see you again

I offer to fly you out to see me
For a week or so in December
You could stay at my place and everything
I tell you it will be fun
You answer honestly
That it might be conflicting
You mention your music
That you will be working on it
And you just don't know
If there will be enough time
To sacrifice any of it for a break
You always put guitar and melodies
Before me
And I always resented you for it

I propose dinner in the future
You agree but hesitantly
Said the last time we were together
It was too much
An emotional limbo
That you never want to go through again
I ask if it can happen
You say okay but with strings
That I cannot kiss you
That I cannot touch you the way I used to
That the kind of touching I do
Should be reserved for couples
For those who are in love
And we are not

I want to tell you
That I have loved you for three years straight
And I have never stopped once
I want to say
That people will come in and out of my life
But you are permanently in my head
And my heart

We could go
Days
Weeks
Months
Without talking
And I will still hold you in the back of my mind
Keeping a place set for you always

I do not realize this
And how true it is
Until someone asks me if I wonder what my future husband will look like
And without a pause
I tell them I already know

It sounds terribly naïve
Maybe also crazy
But I have a spot in myself reserved for you
Somewhere for you to come back to

Even if it takes years for you to claim
Even if you never do
I have it kept aside
In case you ever decide
That it's where you need to be

I asked when you were coming home
As if the city we grew up in
Could still be called our home
When in reality home is much farther than an arms reach
I am on the other side of the country

I asked when you were coming home
I asked because
I am not really sure
Where home is right now for me
But you have always been
And will always be
The closest thing to it

You are a house
I could spend the rest of my life in
I know every square inch
Every detail that most would be unable to notice
Your arms are home
Your touch is home
You are home
And I am home
With you.

I am trying to forget you

Really,
I am

I have been drugging my memory
Repeatedly
Every night
Drinking from bottles
Filled with liquid strong enough
For me to untaste you
I still do

It's funny how
Nobody mentions touch
As the most important sense
Associated with memory
I still feel you everywhere

Your hands on my skin
I am trying to erase them
Your fingerprints must be
Permanent ink
They are no longer visible
But I can still see them

I tie my tongue in knots
So that when I choke
On words
It will be on my own terms
I still cough up yours

I am trying to forget you
The way your voice sounded in my ear
Breathless and humming
I can still hear the ringing

You are the melody
I cannot get out of my head
The music that I cannot stop singing

I am trying to erase
The parts of you drawn onto me

I have gotten four tattoos
In the past three months
And two of them remind me of you

I am trying to forget you
But I purposely don't try
Hard enough

If I really wanted to
I would destroy the proclamations of passion
I once wrote to you

If I really wanted to
I would delete the pictures sent back and forth
Like ransom letters
Thinking my body could force you
To surrender your heart

I used to consider swearing
To be a holy thing
You swore on so much
That it is no longer sacred

Humans are incapable of certainty
I have bent my pinky fingers in half
Just to come close
To believing promises
But people
Always let you down
And disappointment
Is inevitable

Your salt lips
And iodine mouth
Left a burning sensation
From every cut that you made
In mine

I am trying to forget you
And the way you said my name
How you only said it
Quietly through phone calls
Directly into my ear
As if you didn’t want anyone else
To hear you say it aloud

I am trying to forget you
But it is not easy
The moving on
Is a crossword puzzle
I do not know the last answer to
There are fifteen spaces left
That I don't know how to
Fill
With anything other than you
There is so much empty
Left over

It is much easier to hold on
To memories
And remnants
Of what could’ve been
Than it is to accept
A definite ending

Our future
May be dead
But you are still
Very much alive in me

If I really tried
I bet I could forget you
But I don't think I want to.

One.

It has been
Two years
Or maybe three
Since I knew you last
I can still taste the bitter
In the back of my mouth

We were in the same city
But your heart was somewhere else
With someone else
I think I knew it
To begin with
But didn't want to believe it

Two.

Colorado was your home
I was a Midwest rental
With a twenty-four hour vacancy
A place for you to reside
Only when convenient

You came back that summer
With more baggage
Than I could hold
I tried my best to carry it for you
I couldn't
My arms have always been
Weak
My knees weaker

Three.

I was
Desperate for affection
You gave me little of it
But it was just the right amount
To be able to stretch into lasting

I held on to your hand
Tightly
You held on to mine
Like you were hoping
To drop it
Like you wouldn’t mind
If you did

Four.

You had multiple pet rats
I said I didn’t mind them
I lied

Five.

Your dog loved me
More than you did

Six.

Your couch was uncomfortable
I slept on it anyway
I wanted to be
As close to you
As humanly possible

Seven.

We never made love
In your bed

Eight.

You didn't know how
To say no to anyone
Especially me
Instead
You said nothing

Nine.

You were easily
Taken advantage of

Ten.

I took care of you
While you took care of
Everyone else

Eleven.

I was sixteen when I met you
I don't remember how

Twelve.

You took
Everything I had
With greedy hands
And still managed
To call yourself selfless

I would have stripped
My skin raw
Just for you to have something
To keep you warm in the wintertime

You left
Before September even arrived

That August
Was the coldest
Of all twelve months

These are the things
I am recovering just now
Things I can only recall
At odd hours of the night
When I am laying in bed

These are the things
I don’t remember well
But I remember them
Enough to make myself ache

I remember you
Enough to feel the swelling
Of what it feels like
To give too much of yourself
Away

I remember you
I still do

I hope you remember me too.

This is not love
It is not even close

The routine
Is always the same
His use of language as a weapon
How his words know the exact places to hit
Boomerangs against the knees
Knocking you down into submission
He knows all of the right phrases
To color you invisible
Dissolve you into his hands
Purple and blue are only meant for the sky
So you rename yourself sunset
His palms against your skin
Are unforgiving in their contact
Grabbing and shaking
Cowering and pleading
His touch is never apologetic
But he always is
Swear his love
Begs for forgiveness
And promises to never do it again

You believe him
Every single time
His sorry is a silk tied noose
Deceiving in its softness
Wrapped around your neck gently
You forget that capability
Has nothing to do with appearance
That the most dangerous things
Are often dressed as gentle
Love and hurt
Are both four-letter words
But they are not meant
To be interchangeable
They do not teach you this
In grade school
Movies made it seem pretty
And desirable
To attach yourself to ticking time bomb
To crave something so volatile
But it is not pretty
To have to worry about
Doing everything correctly
For fear of not pleasing
One wrong action
Makes you a guillotine
And you would still manage
To blame yourself
For the beheading

This is not love
It is the farthest thing from

But one day you will find it
You will know when you have
When he takes his time
And listens with patience
You will know it
When his hands don't invoke flinching
His rough callus only knowing tender
And lips are reserved for kissing
You will know it
When the dull ache disappears
And there is no longer a sting
To follow
And you will say
To yourself

“This is love
That is exactly
What this is.”

If it doesn't keep you up at night
You probably don't love it enough.

Thank you Ari
For showing me poetry
Really
I cannot say it
Enough

If I hadn’t met you
I would never have discovered
That words
Can be formed
Like crystals
Molded together by this mouth
I call my own

I have known
This language my whole life
But did not truly understand it
Until last year
In January
On Fairfax
When you brought me to
A place with
A black stage
Packed to the brim with ears
Where
For the first time
I opened my mouth
Released
And finally listened to myself
Speak

We went
With the intention
Of playing audience
But I left
A poet

Sarah Kay
Was lovely that night
Phil too
But there was nothing greater
Than the feeling
Of being heard
And how my heart
Made the jump
From my chest
To my sleeve
And is still there
Also how I
Have the ten dollar bill
From being named first place
It is rolled into the pocket
Of the jacket I was wearing
That night
I call it lucky
Call me cliche
But I mostly call it fate

I will admit I cried when
Two months later
I was announced
Winner
At the slam
You drove me to
I think I told you
It was a better feeling
Than I could get
From any pageant
You smiled
Because you knew
Thank you,
Thank you

I also feel the need
To mention
Your strength
And how you are
The bravest
Person I have ever known
As well as
The most hilarious
You are skilled in the art
Of making people
Laugh
So thank you
For that

Ari,
It was you
Who introduced me
To the world of poetry
I like to say
I fell into it
But it makes more sense
To say I was lightly pushed
By a good friend.

Everybody loves a good mess
Until it's their turn to clean it up
And restoration is only appealing from afar

So I will fix myself
Without him.

I knew
From the moment we met
That you were going to ruin my life
And I was going to let you

I knew
When you picked me up
Your arms wrapped around my body
With the intention of holding
That you were going to drop me
More than once
And I was going to let it happen

See the thing is
You could break both of my legs
Shatter my bones
Into a million pieces
And I would still find a way
To come crawling back to you

Knees bloodied,
Hands torn from the pulling
I’ve never been one
For giving up easily

You could effortlessly
Take my heart and crack it open
Drink its contents
Throw the rest away
And I would still somehow attempt
To give you the remains

Call me selfless
But I am used to giving parts of myself
And receiving nothing in return

You could tie my tongue
My lips, my teeth
Split them into surrender
Into a foreign language
And I would still manage
To cough up your name

I have never learned release
Or let go
I only know stay
You could leave
One hundred times
And I would still wait for your return
With patience

Because kissing without permanence
Is like loving without memory
There is no purpose
If there is nothing to come back to
No reason in attempt
If it is bound to be forsaken

You had no intention
Of staying
This was something I knew
From the moment we met

That you were going to leave
And I was going to let you.

We grew up
Quickly
Wishing to be older
Wanting nothing more
Than freedom
16 meant driver's license
18 meant cigarettes
And 21 was left for liquor
For gambling
And finally calling yourself
A grown up

It was his birthday
A few weeks ago
The age
We spend our whole lives
Waiting to be
And he came so close
To being it

21
It has been
Half a year
Since his leaving
So abrupt in its presence
Death has a way
Of shaking you
Waking you up
Only to have you fall back asleep
Again
And forget about it
It's hard to remember someone is gone
When you don't see them
Everyday
Loss is funny like that

21
You look through the texts
On your phone
Years back
You didn't know him well
But you knew him
And past tense feels strange
Knowing these kinds of things
Are permanent

21
Your best friend
Introduced you
That night in September
Spent filling lungs with smoke
I think it was a high holiday
The four of you
Laughing over nothing
The irony of it all
Kills me

21
She loved him
Still does

21
Taking hits
Escalates
Into much more
One time
Is all it takes

21
It is his birthday
The first
Without him here
He can finally do
All of the things
We've been doing for years
In secret
In hushed voices
And in hiding from our parents
Except now it is legal
Now it is allowed
Now it is okay
But it is not okay

He is 21
And he is not here
To celebrate

He is 21
And his mother
Is pouring a glass of wine
Alone

He is 21
And his birthday wishes
Sound more like condolences
There are words of grief
Instead of cheers
His facebook
Is a collection of memories
And emotions
He will not be forgotten
We swear

21
We grew up
Wishing to be older
Wanting nothing more
Than freedom
Age may not liberation
But neither
Is death

21
Make sure
To have a drink
For him.

I can't remember
If I told you I loved you
The first time we had ***
But knowing me,
I probably did
My fingernails digging into your back
Your face in my neck
I most likely whispered it into your ear
Said it softly but loud enough for you to hear
I said I love you
Like it could make you stay
Like it meant mutuality
Thinking that maybe the lack of space between us
Could hypnotize you into believing
That you loved me too
A part of me certain that the air particles
Could somehow sew us together
And that the inevitable reality
Lingering in the background
Could never detach us
Convinced myself
That we were an atom in pure form
Incapable of being split apart when we were this close together

***
Is not synonymous with feeling
I knew this to begin with
Love and lust
Like oil and water
Can be separated with ease
Television and movies
Trained me in the art of one night stands
But I never intended to have you for one night
I didn't wanted you for a week
I wanted you for the amount of time
Where we forget how long it's been
Memorizing every single one our limbs
Ribcage
Arm
Hands
Skin
Then ******* the demons out of each other
To rectify our sins
Making love until we have no recollection
Of who we were before we learned each other's bodies
We were nobody
Before the conquer of this foreign territory
I wanted to surrender
From the moment we touched
But making love is so similar to make believe
That it gets hard
To tell the difference sometimes

When I slept next to you on your couch
My back pressing into the ridged corners of the sharpness
It was not out of convenience
It was out of purpose
Believing that withstanding the ache
Would show you how much I cared
Forgetting that your heart
Belonged to someone with a different name
In different city
Yet every night you still called my body home
Coming back to it repeatedly
Like a drunken wanderer
I thought if you did enough times
You would never want to leave
I convinced myself
That letting you **** me
Was one step closer
To getting you to stay

***
Is not synonymous with permanence
We should have never done it to begin with
Knowing quite well you were here
With the intention of temporary
I talked myself into your skin
Thought if I wrapped myself in it
Deeply enough
You would do the same
To me
My body
Was nothing more than a grave yard
For you to hide your secrets in
No treasure,
No gold

I buried my love for you
Into the curve
Of your collarbone
I bet it would still be there
If you looked for it
But I know
You wont.

Often times
We are so mesmerized by the chase
That we forget whom we are running after
Or why we started following their path
In the first place
Our intentions become unfamiliar
So caught up in the excitement
It is easy
To get lost in the chaos
Become addicted to the adrenaline
There is something so appealing
Beautifully devastating
About loving someone
Who will never love you back
The chase
Is the root of humanity
What we cannot have
Only makes us want it more
And knowing we'll never have it
Only makes our hearts grow thirstier
And our imaginations stretch wider
Believing it is better
To hang on by a string
Than it is to have nothing to hold on to
The chase
Is what fuels us
It is the catalyst to disaster
And we feed it anyway
Each day is motivation
Determination building from every let down
His failed promises
And excuses
Apologies and forgiveness
Those who show remorse
Do not always mean it
But grant it anyway
Forgive again
Play the scene over and over
He will hurt you the same the next day
And yet
You will still run
Arms open
Eyes closed
Trying to catch up
With what is ultimately unattainable
Attempting to reach
For hands that pull away
Kissing lips that speak only of now
Never tomorrow
Crawling with tired legs
And weak knees
But the chase
Is what keeps us
Going
Going
Going
Without ever
Looking back
The chase
Is what keeps us
Living
Searching
Longing
The chase
Is the heart
Of passion
We are running
With no intention
Of ever stopping.

Do not fall for my words
Do not admire my writing
And do not lust after my poetry
It is incapable
Of loving back

Love me instead.

Sometimes it's okay
To say

"The world is too much
For me today
But I will try
Again
Tomorrow."

I wish I could hate you
It would be much easier
But I don't
In fact
It is the opposite
I cannot wipe you
From my mind
I cannot erase you
From my thoughts
And although
I can pretend that I do
I do not hate you
At all
Not
One
Bit
And that
Is the worst part
Of it.

Tough girl isn't afraid of much
Tough girl is strong
And brave
Tough girl has mastered the art of apathy
The science of not giving a ****
She is confident
And swift
Tough girl has trained herself not to care
Walks with confidence
Keeps her head up
She is a whirlwind of resilience
Withstanding each disaster
Every hurricane
She refuses to let the world break her down
Her skin
Is a combination of metals
Her smile, a shield
Bone made of iron
She is incapable of corrosion
Her heart always guarded
She is unbreakable
Knows how to put up a fight
And win
She doesn't give in
And no matter how hard people try
To bring her down
She doesn't let them get to her
But I
Am not her
Our resemblance is uncanny
And I have the ability to pretend
To fake a sense of pride long enough to believe it
A concoction of false courage
And intimidation
But she
Is not me
Tough girl is everything I have ever tried to be
Having spent hours practicing blank stares
And learning how to walk
Like the ground below you isn't breaking
Trying to breathe like there isn't a storm building within
Resistance is a skill I have spent forever trying to build
But I am not solid
I am not tough
I am softness that wears rough around the edges
A jacket built of barriers
With barbed wire skin
All of this protection
And I somehow still manage
To frequently break open
I am not a super hero
I can barely save myself
Let alone anyone else
And as much as I wish I was
I am not tough girl
As much as we look alike
As similar as we seem
I am not she
I care too much
Think too deeply
And love too passionately
But I'm starting to realize
That maybe
It's not such a bad thing
Maybe the girl
I've been trying to be all along
Is not as put together as she seems
Those who appear fine
Are often the ones coming apart at the seams
I may not be tough girl
But I can still make believe.

The real reason
We'll never work out
Is that I'm into you
And you're into yourself.

I have always
Had a knack
For losing things
It's no wonder
You're gone.