my spine is bruised
with lonelyness
time and company will heal it

part of it will never go
it will allways be my sensitive spot
i will allways remember
who caused my pain

I'm not allowed to call my own brother a boy
got angry looks all over the christmas dinner
'you shouldn't encurage her' my mom said
'she's just crazy' said my father

and i'm not allowed to call him by his 'boys name'
they won't give him the phone to him until i say 'Tamara'
just say they don't know anyone that goes by his name
and claim they just raised daughters

He has to live with them
every day the same battle
i can't even imagine how hard it must be
to have to fight to be your own gender

my parents may never accept this, but
i have a little brother
and he's awesome
because he dares to be

Himself

De sluiers van de slaap
verdwijnen, het licht
was hier weer eerder dan ik, vandaag
goedemorgen, morgen
vandaag weer, een dag om
wie zal ik pijn doen?

Het is een stilte die je niet vertrouwen ****
nu stil, maar voor *** lang?
Wat is het volgende geluid, komt er een storm?

Het is een stilte die je overschreeuwen wilt
TV, muziek, misschien moet ik iemand bellen
alles klinkt beter dan wat er nu klinkt

Het is een stilte die bang maakt
dreiging, dichtbij of veraf
en niet weten hoelang

het nog stil zal zijn

I always try to be perfect
and every day I fail
there's lists around my room and in my head
of things needed to be improved
and I wouldn't know where to start
or when

maybe life's not about being perfect
but I still think I should
at least try

I once believed in a fata morgana
it had your name

I once believed i would marry you
and flew to your country

I once believed if i didn't unpack
time would stop and save me

I wonder if you still have the letter you wrote me
the second of the two

if not, it's all
history

a leaf on it's way to the ground
is not searching for the meaning of life
it's just... falling
letting go it's one attachement

it's colours are not to amaze you
just a random biological process
stop looking for a reason
and just watch it blow in the wind

you keep talking word after word
and all i do is want to mute you
but instead i tell myself to
show consideration
let you know i care
and not let out the screaming
that tries to drawn out your sounds

this is your story
and you have the right to be heared
it's good you share your pain

but i can't share mine
i can't let you know i'm screaming
my secrets are not mine to tell
i guard an untold horror
so i have to sympathise
and comfort you
without telling that i really know
what it is you say

apperently time didn't stop
it's winter soon
but not the winter we thought it would be
single instead of married
i think we're better of this way
you know, lovers are lyers
love likes to be blind
we didn't belong together
but we forgot to look for the things we didn't want to see
you tried to control me
was always angry
i tried to manipulate you
anything to not loose you
i'm thankful for the crazy way you broke up with me
at least now it is over
you'll never tell me again what not to do
i'll no longer believe anything you say
hé, whatever you say, i don't even hear it
i couldn't even reach you if i wanted to
i guess that's good
i'm starting to like being single again
every future is possible
everything but you!

Energy is important
i learned that the hard way
lights are out, and i'm tired
you can't reach the same brightness with candles.

My bed became my greatest friend
i couldn't even read
all my small achievements
start with electrons in a wire

Even dishes have to be done
by hand, in a dark kitchen
but i'm not sure if i will
find the strength to get up again

Even music became impossible
i got the art of silence
but once in a while i'll have a good day
and open my pc to some youtube