Two days will see
my blue hair clashing
with a red and green glow
back in San Luis Obispo
a holiday bash raging inside
she'll long for me
while sipping a mix drink
watching as I blow smoke
into the night
I'll hold back a wink
keep my tongue in my throat
remembering when I hadn't been
a heart
breaker

I can feel it in my hands
simmering deep in my stomach
I'll be 26 and have just lost
the 5th "love of my life"
so I'll grab a knife,
then decide a shot to the head
instead
or I'll be 32
with a newborn
and a happy home
but something in me won't work
so I'll take a whole bottle of Vicadin
determined to leave but
not make a mess
or I'll be 55
looking back on a life
an exwife, a long road of
forgotten dreams
then put a noose 'round my neck
and jump
hung from a second story porch beam
I don't want to **** myself
but I feel it in my hands
simmering in my stomach
clawing at my ribs
a self wrought end
to a laughing kid
who I think died
a long, long time
ago

It's unjust of me
to expect people in my life
to match how I write them down
in poetry

everyone is the same person
just different incarnations
so really I am just you
trying to love
yourself

I try my hardest to stray away
from machine rolled cigarettes
which take away the test
of perfection
of creating the best
I know each one
leads me toward the dead
at least I can say
I died at my own,
supremely rolled, hand

It seems that human beings
are full of hate
It breaks my heart
every single day and
makes me want to run away
to a cave in the mountains

two burns decorate my shoulder
due to drunken recklessness
one on my forearm
by a stubborn game of pain
but the second in the same spot
was not in ruckus or fury
it was born from being
terribly, terribly
empty