the grass is green
where ever you give it water
I feed the pastures
ever further from my farm
so all around me
turns dusty and dry
then wonder why
my crops have withered
and I starve
tethered to an idea
what I wish was
when I should be
living with what is

some nights
I still really want to be dead
all stress leaking away
slowly dissipating
like heat from my feet
to my head
till the cold prevails
saving me from lifely ails
just
dead
just
dead
just


dead

How can I tell him
it's not all his fault
he doesn't believe it
all alone
empty apartment
no dog, no son, no wife
Does he cry at night?
Does he hug his knees tight?
Does he cry just like me?
(at the same time?)
Is he gone at the bottom
of a bottle
of a bottle
I feel so weak
I'm just one sad boy
but so is he
a boy in a man's body
his real smile lost to me

Does he cry? (just like me?)

hello shadow
oh shapeless guise
candle light
can make you dance
but when the tallow melts
and wick burns out
you drape over all
you rule
this
house

the staircase wails
at the weight
when I ascend
my feet boulders
blocking any pearly gate
the sheets rend
as I toss and turn
cigarette burns on my forearm
someone snipped the yarn
that kept me connected
I'm not sure I plan
to fix it

a dull buzz grew
while my throat contracted
***** held back by a grip
then the spins
then a black out
come to in the kitchen
dishes in hands
water on
the whole world roaring
stumble up the stairs
close my door
fall to the floor
while the panic sets in
holy **** this is it
this is my end
breath sharp but distant
crawl to the bed for some comfort
before suffocating
then the terror eases up
lungs quiet and absorb enough
holy ****
the worst has dissipated
and left me frustrated
with my now aching chest
legs tightened
my entire body yelling
Frightened!
only my pillows
to whisper
it's okay, you're okay,
I've got you,
breathe with me,
slowly,
breathe
with
me
.
.
.

I can define
pain
sorrow
regret
they rest in the furrows
of my brow
the ache in my shoulder
no hesitation to place
death I'm my mouth
but ask me to uncover
joy
ecstasy
hope
my words fall short
they flit from my stomach
to my lungs
and right past my teeth
before I can breathe them
back to my body
hurt is a household name
while happiness merely
haunts me