I've never been quite crazy
or ever fully sane
but I swear to God I've seen you here
on a day when there was rain.
Did we share the same umbrella
or maybe a cup of tea,
I tend to fall in love
with all the eyes I see.
Tears clouded corners
of your softened emerald eyes;
your fist hit the table,
blood began to rise.
The record player sang and wailed
a million broken songs
and in a flash I saw your hands
and knew I was all wrong.
History reminded me
you were no face unknown,
I know those emerald eyes,
those hands have held my own.
I can't recall who did what
beneath that hazy sky
but my fingertips warn
it's not worthy of a try.
I turn to escape your haunting eyes
but notice, heavy with regret
your crooked smile as I catch a whiff  
of tangerine and cigarette.

the kind of pressure that I put on myself
the kind of pressure that comes with being a daughter of two dentists
the kind of pressure that builds up inside and creates castles of anger
the kind of pressure that tells me I'm too heavy
the kind of pressure that forms from great expectations
the kind of pressure that coaches lay upon the captains
the kind of pressure that is applied when goals are never achieved  
the kind of pressure that keeps me up at night thinking about the future
the kind of pressure that secrets ignite
the kind of pressure that the eldest sister gets for just being the first born
the kind of pressure that is invisible to anyone but me

a departure without reason
last goodbyes never said
car door closes and I'm confounded with thoughts of regret

expectations still high as bittersweet kisses become dry  
but nothing is felt, nothing is real

messages are read, 6:02
there's nothing I can do?

unless.
this is the end
this is goodbye

After all we've been through.
I'm still just a body to you.
My soul, emotions
They're not real,  
Or something you just can't feel?
Your eyes watched
As I continuously fell
What about My womb where your child Was held?
Remember when we said those words?
The three that mean
We
Were happy
Peacefully
Filled with glee
Then you broke it
You Shattered
Me.  
Again.
Here I am.
There you stand.
I'll give in.
Again.
Again.

Everything is bittersweet
Because evil taints all good
And I'm sorry I always say what I feel
Even if it doesn't sound how it should.
But if I love you I'll let you know
Even if words turn to bullets mid air
Because every day has potential to evade
And be the first or the final
So we can start fresh
Or sunbathe til scars fade
And our thighs recover from tongues like razor blades
That perch as serpents in a basket eager to attack
With each flick of a lighter.
It's okay to be misunderstood
Because of how or why
And words are meant to be said not thought
So I turned that filter off miles down that highway.
Now I'm running on empty with a head clear as day
In the backseat of your car
When the blunt between my fingers turns into my mothers lips reminding me to be myself.
It's harder then it seems when yourself is caught between
the intersection of angel and sinner
And the common ground gets thinner
when the right brain hates the left
And the blue eyes burn red.
It's hard to understand I suppose
but in her eyes that clung to my own
I found the world inside and every step along the path I carry twice the flesh
And maybe for once you can understand why I say every word
And don't seem to bother what the neighbors overheard
as they biker over who needs to cut the lawn
And who lost twenty pounds.
We are all seven million people within one set of bones
and thousands of missed appointments guided me straight to you
and now I'm not the same
because you placed a flag upon my heart and claimed your stake
that seemed to change the game.
Olivia's eyes are closed permanently
Because believe it or not things can be permanent
My father whispered to my spine
As the harmonica struck a chord and cleared the room of itchy suits and small talk that will fade like a sunburn
which is the only proof that the sun did shine
A while back down the road beside
The phase you left behind
along with your virginity in someone's basement
on a mattress with someone named Chris... No, David.
Either way it's all the same on a street without a name one Thursday night last August.
Don't tell a soul because even souls lie sometimes
and soles never last the entire track season
So hold your breath and cross the hot rocks
Everything will callouss at some point
And until that day she will sit in the back of the class because
numbers just don't translate and she cant seem to stop tapping her leg
And when smoke claims it's stake and life's on the brink
She collapsed into my arms
scared eyes looked to mine in some kind of desperation;
helpless to death I hold her close and swore to God I loved her.

And in the flash of death in life I know I knew I meant it.

I chew my nails off
even after a perfect night and day
because in the early sun of the first of this month,
you pushed my hair from my face and whispered,
"Goodmorning," with a smile
and I will miss you
like I will miss scraping my body against a blade
or sliding against a stage
leaving my heart in the spotlight.
Because just like that blade,
one day you will hurt me, I guess,
but you'll be in my dreams
and I'll wish to have you back to calm my shaking hands.

Stained tea kettle howled
almost as loud as we did
one cool November night
leaving us trapped between
boredom and curiosity.
Stale bread and ripped jeans
turning us into something more
then five strangers with too much time
and too little money in our hands.
It didn't matter how many scars covered our wrists
because for a moment they didn't exist
through our bloodshot eyes.
Clarity and time became dim
as lights faded along with my mind
because soon I would find
my hands inside yours without a word
and slowly things seemed to fall apart
as months of wary burdened our hearts
because we couldn't quite forget the night
we turned from strangers to lovers
the questions never answered seemed to linger
that led us to crumble
as quickly as the brownie between my fingers.

O Captain! my Captain! our fearful trip is done,
The ship has weathered every rack, the prize we sought is won,
The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,
While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring;
But O heart! heart! heart!
O the bleeding drops of red,
Where on the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead.

O Captain! my Captain! rise up and hear the bells;
Rise up—for you the flag is flung—for you the bugle trills,
For you bouquets and ribboned wreaths—for you the shores a-crowding,
For you they call, the swaying mass, their eager faces turning;
Here Captain! dear father!
This arm beneath your head!
It is some dream that on the deck,
You’ve fallen cold and dead.

My Captain does not answer, his lips are pale and still;
My father does not feel my arm, he has no pulse nor will;
The ship is anchored safe and sound, its voyage closed and done;
From fearful trip the victor ship comes in with object won;
Exult O shores, and ring O bells!
But I, with mournful tread,
Walk the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead.