I have so many

dreams in my ******  head.

They swell and flow and

jumble all at once trying to get out.

Creatures of my design

I have colors dripping from walls in my mind

Walls the lock me from my own kind

I stumble and fall and bruise my ego

On every little slipup

Every little conversation

The words are there on the tip of my tongue

They sit and rot

And then they become the words I should have said but forgot

There is a world I want to show

To let out and have it freely mingle

But there is a wall between me and

What I want to be.

It casts a shadow and I droop from lack of sun

people start to say I am not very much fun

It casts a shadow and dulls the colors

Kills the creatures of my mind

I watch them die all the time.

I put the goldfish out of it's misery today
My family was upset
Because I
killed
their fish
They say it like I committed the worst possible deed
They say it like
death
is the most miserable end
What they don't understand is endings aren't miserable.
What comes before them is.
I'm not the one dumped it in a tank.
Who made crude faces
as it swam into walls
who tapped on the glass to laugh
as it tried to flee its own water--

But everyone has their blindspots.
Fishes in fish tanks is one of yours,
mother, father, brother.
But I still wonder,
where was your outrage that night when I told you his
words pushed
me into the tsunami like

"I like your size, girl.
Where are you going tonight,
hey I'm talking to you, *****!"

do you understand what it feels like to feel someone's eyes degrade you?
To smell their intentions.
Do you know what it's like to want nothing more than a scalpel
to cut out your body inside and out.
Here is my pretty face which you like some much,
here are my legs that you at which you claw
here are my organs which you wish to own so badly
here, I will cut them out for you
you can have
as long as they’re not still a part of me--

They dumped me in a tank
They were tapping on the glass,  
they made crude faces as I stumbled into their walls.
How miserable do you think I was?
How badly do you think I wanted it to end?
But what did you tell me? Father, brother, mother?
That I shouldn't have gone down that street in the first place.
Everyone has their points of outrage,
for you it is fish out fish tanks or girls out of their determined streets.

but if I ever gain a sister
I think
maybe
she will understand
why
I put the goldfish
out of its misery.

I think I knew I was gay when
I started to notice girls more than
guys or when
I started drawing them more frequently or
Seeing them in my dreams.
The excitement of just
One kissing scene in a movie with
Two girls just gives me this...
Thrill.

I still think that maybe I'm just
Bi,
Not all the way gay but
I can tell that I lean towards
Girls than guys more and
I think I like it
Better that way.

As I walk through the valley I'm the shadow of death,
I keep myself together with every waking breath.
I make it unknown to everyone who I truely am,
no one will ever know the emotions I cram.
Some say i don't understand,
That I don't get it,
That I don't understand you,
Well I do, I see you, I know you, I get you.
I've been where you are,
I've walked through the valley and back up again,
I've slept alone with my thoughts in a den,
I thought it would never end.
Day after day,
Year after year,
never shedding one tear.
I stayed strong through the worst,
picked myself up when i was about to burst,
I've let love go when my lust had thirst.
I am the shadow in the valley of death.
I may look like im the angel of life,
no one needs to see the black cloke i wear,
they just see my smile and short cut hair.
Well groomed, teeth clean, smelling good,
no one relizes there is something below,
a second skin, lying within,
waiting to be let out to show my real self.
but until then the angel of life is here to stay,
to tell you your beautiful and great.
Even the shadow inside me knows its not to late,
to show you what I see in you,
to rewire your battered heart,
to give you a new start.
to tell you that your not stupid,
that your funny and cute and deserve cupid.
I'm hear to listen and help,
even though you think I can't
I'm going to try my best.
Not as the shadow of death,
but the angel of life,
to give you happiness in every breath.

sometimes i seriously doubt
if i will ever recover
from this loss,
this bruise
from losing you.

sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night
to sweat soaked sheets and mascara-drenched pillow cases,
curled up in full fetal-position
and i think about you
and how i'm lucky that i even accomplish falling sleep
at all.

i think that's just the difference between the body and the mind -
the body won't stop contorting itself to match your
dissected heart
just because you did or did not decide to say
goodbye to someone.

and this is why i woke up with a knots like stones
inside of my back,
practically paralyzed
it's like my body is trying to punish me
for going against its
ferocious nature. all it wants
is to be back inside you.

sometimes i seriously doubt
if i will ever recover
from this loss,
this bruise
from losing you.

broken has made a cold home out of me.