I put the goldfish out of it's misery today
My family was upset
Because I
killed
their fish
They say it like I committed the worst possible deed
They say it like
death
is the most miserable end
What they don't understand is endings aren't miserable.
What comes before them is.
I'm not the one dumped it in a tank.
Who made crude faces
as it swam into walls
who tapped on the glass to laugh
as it tried to flee its own water--

But everyone has their blindspots.
Fishes in fish tanks is one of yours,
mother, father, brother.
But I still wonder,
where was your outrage that night when I told you his
words pushed
me into the tsunami like

"I like your size, girl.
Where are you going tonight,
hey I'm talking to you, *****!"

do you understand what it feels like to feel someone's eyes degrade you?
To smell their intentions.
Do you know what it's like to want nothing more than a scalpel
to cut out your body inside and out.
Here is my pretty face which you like some much,
here are my legs that you at which you claw
here are my organs which you wish to own so badly
here, I will cut them out for you
you can have
as long as they’re not still a part of me--

They dumped me in a tank
They were tapping on the glass,  
they made crude faces as I stumbled into their walls.
How miserable do you think I was?
How badly do you think I wanted it to end?
But what did you tell me? Father, brother, mother?
That I shouldn't have gone down that street in the first place.
Everyone has their points of outrage,
for you it is fish out fish tanks or girls out of their determined streets.

but if I ever gain a sister
I think
maybe
she will understand
why
I put the goldfish
out of its misery.