There is nothing I'd rather do
than to just stay here.
Bu my hand has been forced
Now I must disappear.

Vanishing into the ether
Gone before your heart will notice
There's no shade of my soul you haven't ravaged
But I must go, I must. I MUST.

4.20.20

Flames of deceit engulfed the vast fields of my heart.
Composed of slender dry blades of trust and love; that danced to that old song together like watching sea of hopeless romance.

The blazing fire grew hastily; greedily feeding.
Leaving no survivors.

All of my fields reduced to wisps of ash in a mere instant. The grains are no more and the harvest shall yield no food this season.

Fearing the worst, I prepare for the work ahead to replenish my crop. In good time, the new growth will sprout. If I am patient, if I tend with care, I will confidently provide an abundance of new produce.

Insurmountable quantity and resilient to the elements.

I say, sometimes the brushfire must be burned in order for new growth to take its place.
Remaining ever vigilant and keeping the inferno from ruining my fields again.

"It seems like you dodged a bullet," intuition tells me.
In an instant I am stunned at that thought.
My tongue swells; throat holding an unquenchable lump.
Inside I can feel my heart circling the drain.

This is the pill I cannot seem to swallow.
I am choking.

"She seems quite toxic," guidance implores.
That black vine growing, ensnaring my mind.
Hyperventilating, and my vision goes blurry.
Tears swell and I'm fighting them back.

This is the blind eye I am turning.
I am denying.

Pain cuts the deepest
through clarity of
the agonizing truth;
becoming an irritating splinter
unable to be pluck from tender skin.

Dodged a bullet? A bullet's only purpose is to ****, I thought to myself.

She is the bullet.
And the irony?
She is the only one
I would have taken a bullet for.

Flame of deceit engulfed and destroyed the vast fields of my heart.

Composed of slender dry blades of trust and love; that danced to that old song together like watching a sea of hopeless romance.

The blazing fire grew hastily.
Greedily feeding for its own agenda,
it leaves no trace of remorse.

All of my fields reduced to wisps of ash in a mere instant. The grains are no more and the harvest shall yield no food this season.

Fearing the worst, I prepare for the work ahead to replenish my crop. In good time, the new growth will sprout.

If I am patient, if I tend with care, I will confidently provide an abundance of new produce.
Insurmountable quantity and resilient to the enviable elements.

I say, sometimes the brushfire must be burned in order for new growth to take its place.

Remaining ever vigilant, I fend off the selfish inferno from ruining my fields again.

The devil has a silver tongue.
Oh, she has coated me in chrome.
Awake now and embrace the ache.

I met this girl; humble, beautiful, and compassionate.
Not ashamed, I'll admit that we matched up over the internet.
Our first meeting was shy, jittery as one would expect.
It ended on a sweet note, I leaned in for a good-night peck.

I'm seeing this girl, who appreciates my nerdy tendencies.
Her eyes light up sometimes, making me weak in the knees.
Scored a second date, brought her out on the town.
She let me hold her hand, knew I could make her my own.

I'm with this girl, she is the antithesis of myself.
Surprised we even click at all, but I'm not looking at anyone else.
A young woman truly inspired by history and books,
Me? I'm a gangly musician that cannot cook.

I'm dating this girl, the operative word I will now gladly say.
She wishes to be my girlfriend; asked me on that hot August day.
I want nothing more than a steady, loving, relationship.
but in the back of my mind I fear when I head for that ship...

I'm dating this girl-nay-woman, we have developed a regular trend;
three months later and driving to her place each weekend.
Here I am always checking my phone to see if there's a text,
A message from her, about how she's longing for ***.

I'm dating this woman, and there are three words I want to tell.
I should just keep my mouth shut, for this won't end well.
In our pillow talk, dazed in the middle of the night,
"I love you" she said, "it just all seems right."

I'm dating this woman, where I have shreds of doubt.
Do I tell her how I feel? Even when the end is coming about?
The three words I was afraid to say, I blurt out in agreement.
"What have I done?" I think, "You can't say that, even though you mean it."

My girlfriend and I, seem to be two peas in one pod.
We are both awkward in our ways, our interests are odd.
Birthday, funeral, weddings, Halloween, movies all in 19 weeks.
More and more each time I leave, endless tears fall down her tan cheeks.

My girlfriend and I, now proud to be her adoring boyfriend,
remind ourselves that our time is finite, so soon after it began.
My job is taking me across the sea, for six months at least.
Her mask of happiness is cracking, and my ignorance is cease.

I'm dating this girl, who cries probably more than I know.
She is anxious for me to leave, and it's really beginning to show.
I hate myself every waking moment for what I've done,
by mutilating a beautiful relationship right as it had begun.

I'm dating this girl and I don't want to hurt her anymore.
I cannot express how much I really love her, she's the one I adore.
Fantasies of dating, moving in, being a couple for years,
proposal, marriage, a pug, I have to fight off my tears.

I'm dating this girl, and the pain I've caused is heft.
Neither of us could go on, even with 6 weeks left.
I kissed her tears and sorrows goodbye, hoping for a future together.
Started my car, drove away, fearing one together might be never.

I dated this girl, and three weeks after it's gone,
I still want her back, but I can only have one.
The woman I love, or the job to start my career,
Please don't make me pick, I've waited an entire year.

I dated this girl, and no moment have I had an absent thought.
She's consumed my heart and my mind, like an illness I have caught.
I pray and hope that a new future for us might unfurl,
for when I'm gone all I'll be thinking of is this girl.