i don't wanna love again

**** i just wanna love myself

romanticising mental illnesses
or even worse,
starting romance
from one

should be illegal.

doesn't anyone know
that disease
is not beautiful?

how many more hearts
have to be broken
for that to be
understood

i will laugh with you
at rupi kaur poems
but i write them
about you

i picture you under the mellow sky right after
sunrise
laughing
i feel calm, as if lofi music is playing

actually i'm listening to it right now
i'm supposed to be doing
work but
i'm thinking of you

i don't know where we'll be in
a couple years
but i hope you will be happy
and i will be happy
even if it's not with each other

i feel detached
i won't be looking for answers from
you anymore
i'm trying to look for them in myself

i have to be independent
how do i know my happiness is
from self-love if it's entangled
in what i feel for you?

i know you said that i can work on
myself by being with you but
i can only give out so much
love in the world

and right now i barely have
anything left to feel
i am struggling with
managing mentally and emotionally

i want whatever is left in me
to finally be invested in me

it's about time i think

i don't want to be loved by anyone
else
and i never thought i would come to a point where
i'm saying this
but i'm desperate for self-validation and self-love

i value myself more than i realise,
and i want myself to
look up at me too,
if that makes any sense

but i hope you will do well.    

i hope i will too.

i hope you understand.

sincerely,
the form of me that lives in your head
(i hope it isn't too bad)

i know i was programmed to
be strong

but the algorithm's  giving me
the ******* results because
the thoughts that feed it

are trying to ******* **** me

i want to say i love you

thinking about your soul
wraps me
in the warmth
mine can't give me

i just need your hug

i find comfort in the music you listen to
i think i understand you better now

if only dying didn't effect
other people

why do i care so much
about capturing your attention
when i'm already yours

meeting you was the best thing
that's ever happened
to me

im afraid it would be the worst

you taught me how to be vulnerable
and now i'm overexposed

this love is worth it,
definitely

but do you understand how
difficult it would be
to try and forget
you
and unwind the zip
you opened up
in me

i walk the hallways with a hard face
walk like no one could hurt me
i laugh at the insults they give me
laugh until theres nothing left

i am ruthless
i am emotionless
im empty

please fill me
fill me with your soulful laugh
your glittering eyes
fill me with all the jokes that make me laugh

fill me so i could feel again,
feel things called emotions
and be human again

Sometimes I feel this heavy weight in my heart
slowly
     dragging
                me
                         down

because I'm stuck in the past
and all the memories keep haunting me
as if it wanted to take possesion in me

One day, it will take over
and I'll break down because I know nothing can be as qualified
to fix such complicated and messy things
like myself.

Stupidity is thinking you'll care a tiny speck about me when I care a whole lot about you

I wonder if my friends know
When I laugh it hurts.

I wonder if my friends know
The world i live in is as black as the midnight sky we used to dance under

I wonder if my friends know
After I come home I hold myself from falling apart,
crumbling inside myself as I fall asleep.

I wonder if my friends know

I'm trying to hold on
To the heart I had

I'm trying to hold on
To the rich soul
That held me in the times
I was lost

I'm afraid they are breaking away,
Slowly and slowly
Who am I?

the game of chase we used to play,
it was fun while
it lasted.

it lasted years and years.

we don't see each other anymore
when you walked in that door
i felt like i was home again

i know when we talk
you feel the lust, that excitement
from the games we played

i thought time could
remove our history, our jokes, our connection
but everytime we meet it grows stronger

i wonder when this game will end,
i wonder if you'll ever be mine.

I'd like to know, how much pain does it take to **** someone?

Why the **** am I torturing myself?

How stupid was I to think
I mattered as much to them
as they do to me

How stupid am I to expect myself as equal,
as one of them
when all time has done
was slowly tear us apart

How very, very stupid am I
to think
I still matter.

You push me away like
you want to be loved,

You hurt me with words
like you want to be healed.

You tell me
you hate me
But do I really believe it?

Honey wake up and be real,
we’ve both lost our spirit.

I'm beginning to think that hope is bad
It's bad because
You think that the more you inhale it
The more distracted you will be by reality
You think that once you contain a feeling of hope
that it will make you stronger
And help you look forward to something
Something that will never happen.
Although the more you believe that hope can fix everything,
the more it bites you back
You will get  hallucinations,
with the impression that
at least some part of your life will be good
And when you realize the truth
of reality,
chunks of you gets taken away
and you start to see the bruises and
lack of energy
that has eaten you alive.
Because hope,
hope will make you high with
the thought of dreams and passion
Hope will make your eyes see things
that arent even there
Hope is a drug, and hallucinations are the aftermath of a made-up world
you created.
So never,
Never get addicted to that senseless,
useless drug
before its too late
and it bites you away
slowly
until you vanish.