You believe I claim to be superior
that my sour smugness stings
oh you say, you are not better.

But 'better or worse' (oh the irony!)
are not the issues now
my claims are about me and not us.

My suffering is mine to bear
my past cries signs of a soul injured
responding, disturbing, and growing.

Even as the court ends what we were.
I cannot accuse you or judge you
without hurting myself even more

All pain inflicted on others
is reflected agony from elsewhere
the shrieks from me, I acknowledge.

But know that my distress I will address
Til death do me part (oh that's self inflicted)
without seeking to score points.

Your new life, though painful to me
Is yours and yours alone
I will not add my judgement to it.

So, I claim not to be better
I will resist the urge to be bitter
and someday, I intend to forgive.

While echos of us I still hear
these sounds are fading
I wish you farewell and me, some peace.

As I look over the charred lifescape,
I know who started it.
A fire so fast and furious.

I did not throw the match
nor realize how dry it was
to feed a fire so fast and furious.

But as I nurse my burns
And soothe my daughters welts
I am left with a curious thought.

I did not burn up in the pyre
But choked on smoke and suffered burns
from the fire so fast and furious.

To have survived the furnace
I must have left it some time before
But when did our love turn to tinder?

That will be my reflection
To learn what can so dry a love
so that I never again

have a fire so fast and furious.

Grief is the wing of my depression
lifting me lowly higher
All the better see what was
and chart a path towards what will be.

As I sit in a metal tube,
the car is crammed and loud.
now and then a surprise delay.

during those periods of waiting
at the unscheduled stop
I am led to wonder if there is a purpose

perhaps this suffering is for a reason
to bring to the commuters some reward
a lesson about life an understanding of truth?

it is probably not Christian
for neither deeds nor faith
can save me now.

but once I accept the suffering
I start to see a glimmer of reason
if all life is suffering

I begin to realize the answer
is already inside me.
it is my selfish craving for a quick trip!

And so I sit in my seat.
having transcended my problem
by realizing that is the solution.

my life was ripped asunder
by the opposite of love
a ****** of apathy so strong
shredded what I believed.

the violence of the uncaring
the push of pure ego
the complete absence of care
twas an un-****** of my soul.

what we had is gone
its weight so light on you
that like a seesaw partner
I came thumping down, hard.

the kids were lost and sad as I
the night you went on a date with such glee
we cried but without understanding
what the future will hold

ghosts of past family "love" we see
there are wisps of the past
like when our youngest asks so gently
is there any hope of reconciling?

Alas my dear, alas.
I know not or understand not
but no, that future has been ignored
the wall of numbness too high

I knit the tattered feelings I have
and discover a new life possible
my life with my two girls will be 50 50
at least in the presence of each other

but please know my loves
that I will be there always
you have seen a ghost created
but I will not be like that

I am new and live in the now,
I will be there for you, mindfully.
the suffering that others inflict
comes from sadness they cannot share

I intend to forgive her
if even now I cannot
her power over my soul is gone
and I pray she fills her void.

I will live for me and mine
my detour with you almost complete
someday I may recall with warmth
but for now I will work on today.

Pain, hurt and loss are real,
but they are only part.
I see that part of me is carrying them.
And rightfully so, they are hard won feelings.
But and here, as the Bard would say,
Here's the rub:
I see me carrying them and so -
I know I am not them.
They are part of the darkness -
that lets me see the light.
And while I hold them close to me for now
I know that the light is there.
I will bask in a life without such baggage
But for now I will grieve a bit more.

What do you do with a life's worth of pictures
when the meaning is drained out of them?

Each a facet of a jewel that was fake
The glimmer and shine unreal.

I look back at us and I don't know
if that then was worth the now.