What do you do with a life's worth of pictures
when the meaning is drained out of them?

Each a facet of a jewel that was fake
The glimmer and shine unreal.

I look back at us and I don't know
if that then was worth the now.

I stand at the abyss
my thoughts too large
my feelings roil with thunder
Like Thoreau I need to take my ideas outside
to utter big thoughts in big words.

the source of my frantic writing is too frail
these thoughts she would not accept
the barrage would be unfair
but my sending them to the universe
I am freed and freer

So thank you now for your attention
to feelings universal
you need not respond
but it's enough to have stood and proclaimed
I am here and I so feel.

You may say that I am arrogant
That you have lived too long
in a reality that I defined.
But while pompous I might be
I track closer the real than thee.

You say you never left me for him
until the marriage was done.
But in reality you jumped to him
before we were through.
In your heart you know that's true.

Motherhood is flag you fly
as if it's not a coequal branch of love
that nether needed nor received help
Your love of children I will not deny
but neither will I cede to a lie.

For you will find that I was there
Not as an accuser or judge
but as a lover and a friend
who sought nothing more than sharing
while you saw only overbearing.

you actually wondered why I was
not more supportive of your "growth"
I had to remind you that finding him
was to me not a sign of progress
but from reality a clear digress

you may say that we were doomed
long before it happened
you may tell others that "we had problems"
But when the tree fell , fast and furious
was not everyone's confusion curious?

I acknowledge your suffering
- all the sadder for being self created
but maybe its wrong to see me as the source
I may be an easy foil
a simple source of all your toil.

But as TED talks intro promises.,
the ultimate reality beckons,
you are the author of your own tragedy
by the light of burning bridge you drift
you walk forward giving me short shrift.

I know not what the future holds
and I hope that in solitude you can find
a way to understand this life.
one that does not feel borrowed from one
who you so clearly shun.

I so trusted the ground beneath my feet
but failed to see you were not so grounded.
my pain is to know that you have gone so far
that what we have is so much destroyed
to fix it tools cannot be employed.

They say time flies like an arrow
but fruit flies like a banana.
A sad dad joke is my refuge.
But in truth I do hope beyond hopes
that this world you will find your snopes

where you go in this world is beyond my ken
even if your new house is near
i hope you build your own life.
one that is not built in reaction to me
but one that in peace can be

I accept that in this life you find me
to be soul *******, destructive and vain
oh I wish with all my heart this were not
but please take for when you are ready
the memory that I tried to be steady.

I too am building my own new life
in the stark glare of reality.
I will furnish it with love and hope
and in a corner build a small shrine
to remember what was once so fine.

So fare ye well and please lessen the fear
that you will be judged or condemned
for in this world you are your own enemy
the field is bare and all allies rejected
so try not to stand self dejected.

the differences between burping and farting,
the need to be on the watch for quicksand,
the dangers of banana peels,
the usage of TNT,
all seemed rather more important than now.

The quiet house,
the missing kids,
the absent dogs,
your choice.

Where once we had a home,
Now we will have houses.
Bodies shuttled between.
your choice.

Peals of laughter,
The funny sounding bark
Shared by all but gone.
your choice.

The smell of family meals is gone
The stains upon the stove cleaned
The in-joke of smoke alarms absent.
your choice.

Finances are yours, independence at hand
Consuming the new needs to replace the old
Goods will not be lacking (but will they fill the hole?)
your choice.

The silent bed in your house
New mattresses to be tried.
Grinding and easy pleasures abound (but are they hollow?)
your choice.

The absence makes the heart grow fonder,
A lack not chosen but forced.
The space when love has left the we but not the family
my choice.

I will swim in paternal warmth,
And blow upon the deadened embers
A flame of love will be in my home
my choice.

Yelling will be absent,
Comfort given and not sought,
Bending to needs and not offering things.
my choice.

Food is quick but made with love
Eating is a time to share
Dining is relaxing and not a performance
my choice.

Love is spending time and not money,
Absent the pain of undelivered diamonds
Attention and a love of being and now
my choice.

My bed echoes with trust and tenderness
I will wait for those sounds to die away.
My sleep for now is love and fatherhood.
my choice.

You are a wall and a door slammed into my face.
We had built our common homes for years.
Yet that home was a prison to you.
I don’t understand the desperate escape.

You are a book that was slammed closed.
We had written beautiful words together over the years.
We were writing a story together but you crumpled the paper.
I don’t understand why.

I know you have found others to be with.
We were tender together but it must have been an act.
Your caresses were for an imagined other and not me.
I don’t understand how.

It  started with another man.
You claimed you never started until you left me.
But marriage is a contract (but so were the vows)
I don’t understand why words lack meaning for you.

Your need to be with others was always an expressed regret
The family was stifling for you and acquaintances your oxygen
Wine nights, long calls with friends you felt were fickle, all were important
I don’t understand when I stopped being your friend (but I did).

Your sadness is audible.
You mention crying in public and barely holding it together.
I wanted to grow and support you as I depended on you.
I don’t understand how you can give up so completely.

I don’t need to understand.
I feel bad that you are suffering and that you have rejected love
I feel bad as I watch our children see the secrets envelop you.
I don’t need to understand.

I forgive you and will care about you as a soul I once knew.
I remember the past as a wonderful play that I had a role in.
I embrace the now and my future without you.
I will understand.

Open letter to my children

Love, memories and family.

What we are going through was not something we wanted.
What we are going through is not something we can change.
What we can do is remember and move forward, together.
It is only by honoring what is gone that we can love the present.
We are together now but separate.

I will always remember the times we travelled together as a family.
The Istanbul hotel, the crazy plane ride on ****** Island, Whitney Manor,
Kyrgyzstan, Disney World, and Sarnia.
Looking back – that is a weird mix of places!
We did it is as a family and in love.

To my soon to be ex, I will always seek to remember our times together
Richmond, Amish country, Eastern Shore, the Lake District and the journey through parenthood.
I am sorry that you decided that love was gone and not worth saving.
I looked deep into the abyss in a life without you and came out with a bare and raw soul to start over.  
While I will never understand, fare well. I forgive you and wish you well.

My dears, please remember the love we had and don’t ever give up on it.
What we are going through will not change the past.
The past is a nice place to visit but oh, the places we will go.
What we are going through does not prevent the future.
Our future means being here and now.

Please remember that there was love in our family.
Please know that there always will be love in our family
Please believe in a kind of love that never dies
The love of your parents was ended but know this does not always happen
Please know that love is and can be all you need.

Remember the examples of lifetime love.
Both of your grandparents loved each other their whole lives
Love is hard, it is rewarding, it can do things you never thought.
Please think of how you love your sister – you cannot stop that.
Please know that there is real love in the world for you.

Again, what we are going through we did not choose.
What we had will not change.
We have a wide and big family of love
We will have great and wonderful things
What we will always have is love.