I wish that we could have done this differently or the way that we pictured it to go but once the film
expires there’s really no way of telling how
the negatives turn out
this is the last time I will tell you that I love you
I wish there was another way to hold a rose without picking off the thorns but if I blister then you and I will forever be bonded, I just hope your roots aren’t too blood thirsty
this is the last time I will tell you that I love you
I wish I could stop asking for wishes to be granted or to not be taken for granted but if my love doesn’t make time seem like an illusion with all the times we’ve spent then what are we doing?
this is the last time I will tell you that I love you.

I chased love into the heart of the city
Somewhere I lost sight of the feel
and now I’m feeling
low again but this time I won’t ask you to save me
I chased love into the heart of the city
Somewhere I lost sight of the feel
and now I’m feeling
low again but this time I won’t ask you to hold me
I wrote a note to myself and stuck it on my bathroom mirror
it read “smile more”
It felt like weeks had passed and I smiled less
like I needed something to make sparks fly and butterflies with exotic colors fill up my stomach once again
but love escaped me
somewhere in the middle of the city
where I gave my heart to everyone and everything who needed it but me
deprived of such a feeling
I wonder
if love escaped you
would you chase her
like I once did
or would you let her wander
wondering if you’d ever come back

it feels like thunder has stricken
you when you can finally
stop being afraid of not being
good enough to validate someone
liking you for who you are and now
you can look in the mirror
and not see distorted images of a stranger
I said hello to myself for the first time
he responded with a smile
he told me to ask this pretty girl
on a date the next time I see her--
so I did
and she said yes
my heart jumped out of my chest
and I felt like all of the chocolate in the world
could never amount to how sweet
that moment was for me
I made a promise to myself that I would stop writing love poems
but how can I not love talking about love
--I am not a hopeless romantic--
I am hopeful
I hope that I can write poems about a girl who I once gave flowers to
and she returns the favor with a garden
growing to be everything we'd
ever dreamed of
this is an ode to the self confidence
that sprouted in the midst of a catastrophe
the only thing that didn't knock me to my knees
so if you ever see me kneeled
that would be my oath to forever maintaining the garden
i was gifted
even if it rains forever

you should see the way
the city glows at night
the bittersweetness of this pollution
takes our attention
from the stars but here I am
writing about nebulas in your
eyes and there is no amount
of light man can create to take
my eyes away from you

how does one find beauty
in himself when every lesson
he has learned has been about
destruction
after all
we find the damaged to hold the most beauty
the lost to be the most cherished
when will it be glorious for one
to lose all of his battles and still
have the heart of a victor
the eyes of a king
the clinch of a tiger
at times -- I like to think --
I don't have to hide my scars
from all of the mountains
I didn't make it to the top of
instead -- I face the currents
knowing I will never drown
in rivers made by those who
would never dive deeper than
sunken ships
what would you do if you were
in the presence of a sailor
washed up on the shore
still breathing--

I used to hope that you wouldn’t forget
the sound of my voice when the only
thing I had left to say was I’m sorry
but what happens when you have nothing
left to be sorry for?
silence.
no longer hearing echoes of apologies
my voice has traveled far beyond
what the eyes can see
all I have left in me is a glimpse of light
lightyears away
even if I self destruct
I will continue to lighten your night sky
all the while never breaking the silence
that fills the air between us

the amount of water you are in
does not matter when you are drowning
even when you are conscious of it
it only takes six inches of water to make vehicles play musical chairs
but whats sad about it is
when the music stops
and your heart is no longer there
there will be no place left to go
you will feel like you are drowning
you must open your eyes and let go of the fear
you must sing your own songs so the music lasts forever
you must learn to swim against the current
yes, love is the healing component
but too much of anything can **** you
i just pray that you've let go before the next tide comes

one
2 - 3 - 4 - 5 -
followed by deep breaths
and two laps around the park
stopping only for water and the french bulldog that looks a lot like tank - only his name is charlie - still cute nonetheless
baby, why did you stop running
i'm sorry - there was this -
you don't want to hear it
two
more phone calls spent entirely explaining how you love me
but you just don't love me
three
more hours until i'm in your arms again
i just hope you hold me close enough that you actually feel me
feel what it is like to hold someone you love
four
when shopping at a local farmer's market - i always see this same couple in the fruit section - they seem much older than me - still the seem so youthful - still they light up even when all that surrounds them is dark - they are not afraid to face their demons - defeat them and still be grateful - i once asked them how they define unconditional love
five
i once cried in the shower trying to wash off all of the flaws i had that made you walk away and find love in better places - far away from me - closer to your dreams
six
i'm sorry - this isn't how i normally act -
its just i had so much left to say only to realize i left my phone on mute
seven
silly boy, don't you know? love isn't something you can read directions for
eight
i pray that you never have to look in the mirror and be terrified by the demons staring back at you - i pray you never lose sleep trying to hide from them - i pray - i pray - i pray -
nine
according to the book 'real love', unconditional love is caring about the happiness of another person without any thought of what we might get ourselves
ten
its no wonder why i've spent all of this time trying to make myself happy again

I am standing on a ledge
five hundred feet away from my doom
sometimes I would rather rather fall here
than fall for you
sometimes I would rather fall here
than fall for
you
sometimes I would rather fall here than fall for you
and isn’t that funny?
why am I falling at all
I am too high for this
you should have met me here a long time ago
and here I am again
falling

falling

falling
just to be on the same level as you

please proceed with caution
the last to walk the darkest path
did not make it to tell the story of sights seen
from the top of my darkest peaks
your head may be in the clouds but who’s to say that even at this altitude you could remain grounded
I would hope your feet be planted firmly on anything other than this facade
please proceed with caution
I would never wish for you to be consumed by ashes and turned into stone for looking back
there are much more beautiful wonders of the world other than me
if you make it out alive and decide to come back
I wouldn’t know if you were a foolish daredevil or an immortal being hoping to find glory in taming the dragon that’s been hiding for centuries
I pray that you still proceed with caution and never find warmth in the fire in my eyes
after all— I am an earth sign
but at my core— I am nothing but a ball of fire
waiting to erupt

pain decorated by dim lights
dancing across your face
It’s a shame that I am in other places now
seeing faces of strangers and feeling more welcomed than ever before
a past love once knocked on my door
greeting me with cold roses meant to last forever
she must have forgotten I am a volcano
flowers do not grow upon me easily
it is not easy to breath in my presence
my self destruction will bring an unsettling heat that you can not handle
because sometimes even I can’t
I know that I have been dormant for some time
I just pray you don’t stay for my eruption
I would hate for my pain to redecorate a place you once called home

I keep a mountain in the distance between us
sometimes it seems but a bittersweet beautiful challenge
this mountain is a facade
A fictitious front like I was never meant to walk the path that leads to the zenith of divine being
is this the best I have to offer you
is this the best you have to offer me
the tides have formed stronger against us
swimmers who lack integrity
still we face all odds and come out victorious
somehow...someway..
complex issues solved by such simple ideas
if all it takes to survive is a glass of water
then I desperately hope my oceans don’t drown you
maybe this mountain is the safety we are too stubborn to accept
sometimes it seems but a dreamers dream to reach the top
I’ve fell down a few times now and it’s getting harder to get back up
I suffer from fatigue
not demons that haunt me
I have defeated many goblins with hands tied behind my back
still I offer nothing but solace

the saddest part about finding love
is that you lose yourself to an idea
of something that you believe
makes you invincible like
nothing could crush you
but the truth is
you lose love when you find yourself
and your desire for love vanishes
making you invincible
but that thought alone
will crush you

there can be so many beautiful things about falling in love but the side of the story that they don’t tell you is that falling in love with someone is almost as difficult as falling in love with yourself, but the only difference is that it is our natural instinct to catch ourselves when falling— you see, when you fall for someone else— there is no natural instinct for them to catch you.

I want you to show me how powerful you can be
of course we can only come back stronger
two powerful individuals with the intention to give
real love is infinite and comes in many shapes
no matter what happens next
we have to be responsible
I suppose
you could be my escape
but you know I don’t like plans
listen, you deserve happiness just like I do
but this is not what I want
my soul deserves more than the physical
you don’t deserve me now but maybe you will again
please come back when you’ve found your path
but if the canyons start calling
I’m going to pick up
that’ll more than likely be my home
it’ll bring me some happiness in fighting my demons
I love you,
but we must heal on our own

the only thing I need in this very moment
is for someone who understands that
the only thing I can give in this life
is the time to show them that my
love is everlasting so much so
that even when they are
away from me they can
still feel my presence
and my love will
bring them a
feeling of
infinite
joy.

with each day that passes
and I have to let go of a little more of you
I begin to forget what your voice sounded like
when you were in my arms and the world around us meant nothing
you felt like an escape from a reality too brutal
now I must escape from the pleasures you brought me
I must escape from the feeling you gave me
I must escape from you
with sleepless night that come yet never go
and I have to let go of a little more of you
I begin to remember how you looked at me
the first time I said I love you
like it was the first time I took your breath away
like it was the first time love meant something to you
I was your escape from a world too cold
now you must find warmth without me
you must take the love you gave me give it to someone who is less of an escape and more of a home
you must
escape
from
me.

you are broken
when you don’t realize
love will make a fool of you.
even when all the signs tell you to run,
you choose to stay,
convincing yourself that you were made for this.
like our love story was one worth it all
we fought for nothing
thinking that everything will work itself out.

thinking that everything will work itself out,
we we fought for nothing,
like our love story was one worth it all.
convincing yourself that you were made for this,
you chose to stay,
even when all the signs tell you to run,
love will make a fool of you,
when you don’t realize,
you are broken.

I speak to the rain when it visits my windows
frequent
calls from the souls I met in my past life
and I know that they’re just checking on me
Taking care of me as they had before.
Sometimes sneering in disappointment
As they watch me make the same mistakes
Seeing my soul devoured by the same fears
That haunted my days with them.
I ask them for solitude
mercy, mercy, I hope you speak my name
thunder shakes my foundation
please tell me you have good news for me, my old friend
Tell me there’s a chance the life I lead now will be different from the last.
Tell me my soul will learn and grow and finally find peace in this life
Or the next
I beg you my friend,
Tell me
if we’ll live happily again?

The sky is blue.

but that’s only after the rain has settled and everything thing inside have me has poured out into the skies
I dove into the ocean with open wounds from a love that was a facade
but Poseidon called me to these barracks
made of broken shells from all the enteral wars I’ve battled
what a beautiful display I have set for you

do you ever forget that the ocean is blue
just as the sky
the horizon’s capability to hold the two beings in one place making them mutually exclusive
has me questioning my ability to exist beside you
The reefs of my rib cage isn’t as beautiful as they used to be
people have scraped my foundation for what feel like centuries
and I have not yet mastered the art of regeneration

I used to pray that you’d never forget me
and how I was your favorite color
But your eyes have set sail upon seas of stars
and I am far from a nebula
even my deepest shade of blue does not compete with the beauty of the night sky

there is more magic upon a shooting star than a wishing well
and all I wish for is gratitude
all I wish for is solitude
all I wish for
is to meet you at the horizon one last time
so you could fall in love with the depth of me

and I’ll show you why I make the sky want to touch the ocean

how dare you question the love I hold for you, boy
ain’t you see these scars on my chest
for the heart on your sleeve you think is your own
naw, boy, that **** is mine
look at the way she beats for you
ain’t you seen my tears pour out of me
healing all of the blisters you called wounds
but you said you knew what love was
I find your sense of humor unamusing
how dare you question the love I hold for you, boy
ain’t you hear the way I speak on your name
I need you to really listen this time
——doesn’t it sound so sweet?
the bitter taste you left in my mouth has tormented me
and you dare to question my love for you, boy
ain’t you know that I was molding you into a man
naw, whatever happened to your heart
you need to fix that yourself
and next time you want to question my love for you, boy
ask yourself if you was even worth loving in the first place
cause if your answer is the same as mine then maybe your name would taste as sweet as it sounds

looking out of the window
it’s scary I can’t see my reflection
I just see all of the demons I’ve defeated in my past lives
When I close my eyes all I wish for is a glimpse of heaven
looking into your windows
it’s scary I can see my reflection
with guardian angels all around me
as I enter my new life
I finally got a glimpse of heaven

I close my eyes, say a prayer, receive some blessings
this pain, it hurts, but it’s a lesson
My angels never warned me about your presence
oh, what an essence
the most wonderful present
a guardian angel
and everlasting glimpse of heaven

the calm awakens me
the water moves my frequencies to and fro
this must be what peace feels like
complete harmony
away from everything
all the while close to nothing
every sound is muffled
holding my breath until my body screams for oxygen
like I’m holding on to all of my problems until I ask for help
the release feels so good
as I come back up for air and open my eyes
with my feet grounded
just to realize
I’m not drowning
anymore

I was never a lost boy
Traumatized by the event of you leaving me
I had always known what it was like to love someone enough to let them go
It’s no wonder why I always had a love for yo-yo’s
You see, they showed me that every time you would let them go
They would always come right back to you
I remember
The first time a girl fell in love with me
She told me that I was the closest thing to perfect
But she was not ready to be with me
I asked her what does it mean to be ready for love
You see, love does not hit you when you’re ready for it
Like you’re in a ring with professional boxers
Letting you spar with them
Though you will never be prepared for the first time
a haymaker to the jaw knocks you out cold
dazed and confused like you saw it coming but
didn’t know it would hurt this bad
I remember
The first time a girl fell in love with me
And made me feel like I didn’t love myself
You see, my father never taught me how to love a woman
I had to teach myself that kind of thing
Suddenly I lost my love for yo-yo’s
You see, I learned that I was bad at letting go
I would look into the mirror and see a boy
Who had never boxed a day in his life
But the bags and blisters under his eyes told stories
of fights that were almost won
but you should have seen the other guy’s face
no, these were stories of the times my yo-yo wouldn’t land back in my hand
instead it would hit me in the face
they can all see your scars, boy,
but don’t ever let them see your tears
was the only lesson my father taught me
I remember
The first time I fell in love with myself
I was in a room with no mirrors
And a box full of old yo-yo’s
With letters from all that took my love for granted
Including myself.


“for all that took my love for granted, including myself”

kaileb w.

I had just graduated from high school
when we sat in the car
right outside of the
residence in norfolk
where he told me
that he wasn’t
sure if he was
my real
father
which
had plagued
him for eighteen years
and finally he had gotten it
off of his chest only to place
the burden on the shoulders of
a man who had less answers than he did

These are a lot of things
I wish I could’ve told myself
when I was younger:
don’t be the girl
that dresses up
but decides not to go out
you should put pieces of your
love in the pockets of everyone you meet
Instead of pouring into one person
they can’t carry your love
Understand
that some people
read books and don’t learn from them
so don’t expect to learn valuable lessons from them
they can only teach you things you’ve already known
I wish I could’ve told myself that I was more than a chapter to you - or anyone
I am the entire novel
I am the entire series
I will make you fall in love with me in every lifetime
but in this one
you will see me with a brighter aura
you will enhance your vocabulary
you will learn to be better with words
you will desire my touch
you will reject every chance at love
trying to get an ounce of mine back into your pockets
but I dug the same hole in your pockets that you left in my chest
I wish I could have told myself to stop and smell the roses because people will wait until you’re gone to give you flowers
and the worst part is that these flowers too,
will wilt and perish
just like all the lessons I taught you

I think I’m too young to not be able to make irrational decisions and make mistakes or
not know what it’s like to fall down twenty times
and be able to explain the bruises on my face
I think breathing deeply is the solution to anger and stress
forget everything else, just inhale and hold it
I think about seeing the world yet I haven’t done anything to make that a reality
like I’m waiting but what do I have to wait for
I think I should stop caring to much about the lack of money I have
like that’s the only true stress I have
but money never bought me the happiness that you supply me with
I think that you think I could be too good for you or too good to you but
every time I look at you I think that breathing is much harder to do
like I don’t need to travel to see breath taking views when I could just look at you, exhale slowly
I think—
I love you

10/30/17
Claimed

maybe I should have been more difficult to love
like my baggage was never claimed
and it’s still got a hold on me
maybe I should have been easier to let go
like my baggage wasn’t important anyways
and I left it all at my previous layover
maybe I should have forgotten the importance of being important
but I can not forget a feeling I’ve never had
so it’s important that you hear me when I say I want to mean something more to you
Sometimes I get overwhelmed too
because deep down I know that one day you will wake up and I will be that baggage that you’ll never want to claim again

I still can't put into words how I feel about you
so I'm going to close my eyes and say the first five things that come to mind
One
Every single time I look at you I can feel the butterflies knocking at the door, dressed up as a pizza delivery guy, only to deliver more butterflies, such a shame that I am still unable to fly
Two
When you told me that I may never see you again my hands froze and it became harder and harder to continue my drive home
You probably thought nothing of it
We both live in the moment but I wanted this one to last forever
I just hope you don't forget me
Three
I told you that it feels like I fell from heaven and landed in your arms yet it all seems to feel the same
Maybe I wasn't meant to fly
Maybe, maybe I was meant to lose my wings
falling right into the place that I was so afraid to be
see, the last time i was here, love had made a fool of me and I haven't been myself since
but love, when I'm with you I'm more of myself than I've ever been
Four
It's been a long time since self confidence was in my vocabulary
I look into the mirror now and I see myself and smile
Knowing that I'm looking at the face that brings you just as much happiness and you bring me
Please believe me when I say I don't need love nor do I rely on someone else to make me happy
It's been a long time since self confidence was in my vocabulary
I look into the mirror now and see myself smile
Knowing that I'm looking at the face of the man who takes all of your stress away just as you do to me
maybe we were made for each other
Five
I wake up thinking about your voice and how it gives me chills even in the hottest of weather conditions
Five
I haven't had a bad dream since the day I met you
Five
Sometimes I think I like you more than you like me and that scares me because my love is like kudzu and I just don't want you to suffocate
Five
you make me feel like I can fly

I pray that you don't forget me
if you ever had my love
I pray that you don't regret me
I don't miss the times I was young and they ain't accept me
Cause I was out of place like silk in a thrift
or maybe I'm mistaken
Maybe I was a rolling stone in the midst of an avalanche
You can hear the roar for miles upon miles
And when it all settles
They'll all look back at the mountain and see the dent I left
and for that dent
I pray that you forgive me
All I ever wanted was to be heard
All I ever wanted was to be seen
All I ever wanted was to be loved
See, everybody is so quick to snowboard down the slopes of my depressions
See, I thought that at my peak, I was more than just a sight to see
More than a breath of fresh air or an escape from reality
Maybe I was wrong though--
I shouldn't have to pray for this
I left a dent in you yet you destroyed my foundation
At the bottom of my heart is a mountain range of all the times I let people slide on me
You see, the difference between me and you is this-
I'm still a rolling stone in the midst of an avalanche, that means I won't ever get back to the top
meanwhile you reside in the moisture that falls and rises in every cycle
In fact, I redact everything I said previously
but I'll pray that I never end up just like you

On the way home, there are paths disguised as mountains
Arches of light to climb
Fragments of color, scattered bread crumbs, to lead the way
This is your journey home
Embrace Divine light, the pieces of your soul

Illuminated by the joyful tears of your guardian angels and ultralight beams, you are on the right path when you see me
Your journey home is not as hard as it may seem, the end isn't clear to you just as the gold's sheen comes second to your soul
the only illusion are the mountains in the distance whom are few and far apart
So with every milestone of your life, be sure to look into the skies and see which color of your next chapter shines

I met this girl who means a lot to me.
This is dedicated to her.
Love.

Please forgive me for letting you get too close
Although I did warn you
There is no outlet down this road
and there are no life vests on this boat
and there are no airbags in the car
and there is no harness or safety net for when I am falling back into my own body...
Have you ever tried to breathe underwater knowing you've run out of oxygen and the light is so far away yet you keep swimming towards it but it seems like the more you swim the further you get from it and just as you're fingertips graze surface the ocean claims your name so the voice of your lost soul forever screams in the shells that are a home to a series of hermit *****
Have you ever sunk into your own bed by what feels like the force of a thousand boulders, unable to move, unable to speak, and just when you think it's all over, the demons that haunt you come out and now you're unable to breathe, there you go hovering over your body and not being able to do a thing
Every night I pray to God that I never see you in my dreams
because for your entire life, everyday that you wake up from your dream you lose a little bit more of yourself to those demons that haunt you
Every time you close your eyelids you see the monster that's trying to be Neptune and drown you in his seas
But baby I gave you the moon as the light to see the path that leaves behind all of those hermit shells
Now your the voice of your lost soul is no longer trapped in the home of a monster
It has found its way to me
Finally you can get some decent sleep
and wake up to me
from this day forward I can't say that you're the woman of my dreams because I'll be ****** if my demons trap you too
When someone asks you how we came to be, you tell them that we met on the moon every night
To calm the ocean tide and make it out alive
and if you are to drown in your dreams again, I'll still be here on the moon for when you find my light again
Waiting to build you a new home away from all of our demons...

tonight I missed you a lot
It was around twelve am
driving past my old job
then driving past legacy park
reminded me of all those nights
we used to laugh and love
just for a couple hours
that we never wanted to end
once I'm home
I see a set of photos from Savannah
wishing I was there again
but more importantly
wishing I was with you
just like we were then

Hot water rushed through my ***** hair
With my hands wrapped around my forehead
I’m sitting down in the shower
I can’t believe this just happened
I don’t even know what happened
How did we even get here?
You should know that I get silent when you pressure me
I never said anything to hurt you
I thought I used to make you happy
I just wanted to play a few games of Rocket League, I swear
We could have done anything and went anywhere
Still I was silent
You said you’d just go home and I can hear how upset you are
Still I was silent
The shower is running now
You texted me twice and my heart dropped when I read it
I knew you were doing that to prove a point but I was so hurt
That when you ended it I felt like I should have said something else
And of course I regret it
All I had to do was get food with you after my shower
But now
Hot water rushed through my ***** hair
Down my face and into the drain
Along with all the emotions I had running through me
I was finally defeated
Maybe some of the things you said, you didn’t really mean it but
I know that all came from the heart
I thought that I had patched all the wounds I had made before but the most important gestures were never done
Life kept kicking me down and you were there to pick me up
I had always appreciated that, you were willing to sacrifice too much for me and I would have done the same for you
Even the days where I felt like I had seen enough of you
My chest pulled my closer and closer to you like your rib cage held the key to keep my heart pumping
And suddenly I no longer held the key to happiness for you
So yeah, I was defeated
The same day that I told all of my friends is that day that life kicked me down even harder
Everything was my fault and they threw that in my face
I called in to work and they said don’t come back since you were going to be late
How could all of this happen to me, did I deserve this, I thought I was great
Remember, that’s what you used to say
So when you asked me how was I doing, the only thing I could say was
“Gr8”
a few hours later I was put on a pedestal to say things I didnt want to say
but what else is one to do when there is nothing left to ruin his day
now that I think about it
everyday I’ll still wake up to see your face
because I also forgot to give you back your picture frame
cold water rushes through my ***** hair
I whisper to the skies
I know that someday I’ll see you there
Until then, my love, please take care
I wish you the best
The next time we speak
I’ll tell you that you were the best thing that’s ever happened to me


k.w.

Cheers to everything that he had lost that night
This is not a search for pity, no
This was a moment of reflection
You know what they say right?
You gone find better anyways
The moment I spilled the beans nobody gave a **** about how I handled it
Like I wasn’t a victim too
Like I ain’t have nothing else to lose
Like these was my boys but they all tellin me they side with you
How you think I reacted when it happened?
I aint smiled in days
I eat a meal in a day
I aint been drinking no water
I aint been sleeping in my bed
I forgot to give you back this stupid pillow pet
I shoulda never let you get that far when you left
And I still got that hoodie, that’s something you’ll probably never get back
I had to hold on to something since I couldn’t hold on to you
How are you mad about a toast when my glass filled with the tears I got from you
How can a man walk around with his head up knowing his girl was never happy too
You say my message was received when I haven’t even said it
I told you I was used to this
And If you really needed it
Here’s one from the longest text message
That **** wasn’t closure, but im closer to it
I watched to flowers burn and held a moment of silence
For all the words that cut too deep and made me unable to breathe
This is the answer to all the arguments when I didn’t speak
I had nothing to say other than stay with me
But I lost hope the second you first said you hated me

k.w.

underneath the mossy trees
hide your insecurities
I promise that you're perfect
and I can be your fantasy
listing to destiny's
I say your name so perfect
You tell me that you love me
and you don't need nobody
so just meet me at the lake
underneath the mossy trees
hide your insecurities
and let me listen to you sing

Each day I'm going to wake up in the arms of a pillow pet instead of you
Reliving those last moments together
I almost died on my way home that night
I'm was so afraid to lose the star that guided me through the night
Each day I'm going to wake up in the arms of a pillow pet instead of you
Reliving each time you were in my arms saying you loved me
We never thought we could live without each other
I should have died that night
Each day I'm going to wake up in the arms of a pillow pet
Wishing I could go back to that summer night
When we first met
I should have kissed you then
I was so alive that night
Each day I'm going to wake up in the arms of a pillow pet
With a cold sweat from the dreams I have of you staring at me like you're lost again
But this time I can't find you
And this time I can't save you
Each day I'm going to go to bed with a pillow pet in my arms saying all the things I wish I could have said when I had the chance to say them, like
I love you more than I've ever loved myself
I love you more than Ive ever loved myself
I love you more than I've ever loved myself
Each day I'm going to go to bed with a pillow pet in my arms being squeezed to death, baby girl, I will never let this go
Because I promised I would never let you down
And here we are ten months later and I've left you to drown
If only I could save you and just dive back in the water
My friends keep pushing me off the diving board to rescue you
I don't need a float because your love was weightless like a delicate feather floating in the air
What a beautiful presence you brought upon our eyes
I'm afraid that if I dive in the water to save you
Giving you my breath to breathe again
Then you'd wake up and realize that I was the one to make you drown in the first place
And you'd return my breath and tell me
That I saved you once but I can't save you twice
Now your eyes are red
And so are mine
Each lifetime I will go to bed with a pillow pet in my arms instead of you
Drowning in an ocean of guilt
with no one to save me
Such an ironic way to pass
Only a coward could stay alive and try to swim to shore
I will live my life at the bottom of the sea
hoping that maybe someday in another lifetime, you'd come to find me

This isn't a journal entry.

It's been raining for a week, momma.
I know my girls cold and she just wants to sleep, momma.
But right now I don't think she wants to speak to me, momma.
I must have done a terrible deed, but momma these days I barely get any sleep.
Everyone always needs me so I can't get any time to just breathe.
I know it's hard to stay afloat when the ship is about to sink, ---
Boys ain't supposed to cry, momma.
But it's to hard to not get teary eyed, momma.
When everyone around you can barely stay alive, momma.
I've got friends on the brink of suicide, momma.
They want to sleep to, but momma they never want to wake up.
I still get emotional when anybody brings James up.
I still get emotional when people tell me I'm too little, cause momma how am I gonna protect my family if I'm too little.
Only I know that size never matters in a fist fight, momma.
And I hope my brothers got my back when I get tried, momma.
And I never want to find my boy on a riverside, momma.
I know how he feels, he don't want to be alive--
There's so many problems my boys are facing, momma.
I just pray that they're all okay, momma.
I gotta stay strong to keep they heads up, momma.
I barely have the energy to keep my head up, momma.
I feel like I fail everybody, momma.
It's been a long time since I've cried, momma.
But I shed tears bout it every night, momma.
But you told me boy should never cry, momma.
That's why I kept the tears inside, momma.
All I ever wanted was to make you proud, momma.
All I ever wanted was to make you proud, momma.

I have lost the fire that I had for writing again
the last time this happened I was heartbroken
two years later and my life is the best its been since I can remember
the sad thing is, I can’t remember much
everything I can remember sends me to a dark place
the kind of place that people like me aren’t afraid to venture in
the kind of place that regular people have nightmares about
where do writers go to find their muse?
what do writers do to find their muse?
I assume they go back to these dark places
where they were heartbroken by the love of their life
where they’re families made fools of them
where they’re friends turned out to be enemies
where their dreams were shattered
we all just want to express ourselves
I just want to impress myself
I have lost the fire that I had for photography again
still I pick up my camera to capture moments that are dull
still making every moment seem beautiful
I usually dislike awkward smiles from people
so I tell them no to smile
I have realized that some people don’t know how not to smile
at the end of the shoot I review the photos and I’m not impressed
I stare at the photos and I try to find a meaning
I never liked portrait photography anyway
I have lost the fire that I had for love
too many let downs and stand ups
yet when I open my eyes and yours are still closed
I’ll kiss your cheek and whisper things I’m afraid to admit
I’ve been loved before but I’ve never…
had someone ignite a fire in my eyes
every time she touches me with her lips
and when my head rests on her chest
I find that love does exist
and my muse seems to be nights like this

my father once told me
I am my mothers pawn
I never understood the game of chess
but I’ve always known the pawn
the first line of defense
easily defeated
sacrificed for the safety of the King and Queen
my father once told me
I am my mothers pawn
I stayed as far away as possible from pawn shops
never knowing my worth
such damaged goods
usually its relationships that make people insecure
for myself
it was growing up trying to figure out
if I am really my mothers pawn
what is my worth in the trade?

If this is what it feels like to be happy
then previous experiences have misled me
no woman had ever loved me before
the urban dictionary will tell you every meaning of love
the romance section of moviestop will show you all the places to find love
the most common place to feel love is the tongue of your lover or the tips of their fingers
If this is what it feels like to be loved
I wonder why it took so long to find me

I wish I had candid prints of my parents
I wish they got along
I wish they didn't make me feel so embarrassed
All the other kids had both of their parents
It's just me and my mom
I never gave her PTA papers cause she was too busy playing both roles
There's a hole in my heart and she knows
I wish I had candid prints of me with my parents
But no one captured the pictures
Everyone was too busy
I've been the man of the house since I could speak
Why did it have to happen to me
Did I deserve to be a pawn
Was there something in my last life I could control at all
Momma, Was I a villain
How come all these kids know what it's supposed to be like to have a real family and I didn't
Tears fall on my cheeks
I've been crying for weeks
I've never been selfish, I've never made it bout me
Momma ain't happy and I feel like that's all on me
It's my fault she ain't get to life out her dreams
I hope my kids see their mother as a queen
As I praise her every day on two knees
Even if I'm broke and don't have enough money for a ring
I still promise to love her more than anything
I wish my kids will never have to wonder what I looked like as a teen
Having photos in a shoe box of me since 16
And a red room full of photos of their mother before and after pregnancy
Thousands of home videos from birth to graduation
I wish I had candid photos of my parents together
Ive never seen them together
Except when they exchanged me for a week or whatever
What a life as a kid
Spending weekends with my cousins
I never had my own brother
It's just me and my sister
All of us half related due to another misses or mister
And they've all grown up now
It's been so long since I've seen their faces
We've all been busy living in different places
I try to keep in contact
But I never get a call back
Momma am I the villain
I've watched everybody leave us
Why they all wanna leave us
Why everybody only call when they need us
Why nobody helped us out when we ain't even have a home to sleep in
Momma am I the villain
I've been taking these photos to remember where I came from
And when I make my life into something I'll have everything I need to humble myself
I'm trying to capture the beauty in all my friends because one day they'll need us
And one day they'll see us
I wish my candids prints will be world famous
I wish my candid prints will teach my kids that everybody can be somebody if somebody said they would never be famous, that's real.

I've been here for five days now
hearing stories of an abusive relationship
witnessing the mood changes and verbal jabs
I just want to sleep, mama
The palm trees have welcomed me
but it's not enough to keep me calm
they're still screaming and I'm a nervous wreck
His words pierce her throat and still she counters with straight hooks to his neck
I just hope it doesn't get out of hand, mama
I've been here for five days now
and I'm comin' home tomorrow
the sunshine state has been cloudy all week
I just want to see the sun, mama
The moon must be upset because the waves are fierce
the wind keeps blowing me back and there's a storm in the distance
I guess the sun didn't want to play today, mama
The arguments are getting to me now
in a flash the verbal jabs became physical
am I wrong for turning my cheeks and trying to go back to sleep
I close my eyes and try to vision the Palm trees
I've been here for five days now
pretending this relationship doesn't effect me
I can feel the jabs in my lungs, I try to go to sleep but I can't breathe
I'm afraid that if I leave she won't be able to breathe and i won't be able to sleep
but I've gotta come back home, mama
I might not return home alone, mama

if you have no one to write about
then how could you write about something
if you've never been in love
then how could you write about loving
has it ever been mutual?
if you have nothing to cry about
then how could you smile for something
cause after the rain comes the sun
but it's not shining or warming
what does this do to you?
I thought the wonders were beautiful
until I wander to you wonder if you even think that you're beautiful
these poems are nothing to you
but I keep on writing cause it's the only way to get through to you
I think I'm starting to hate writing poetry
I'm just sick of this poetr--
if you have someone to write about
you will always find them in something
if you have someone to dream about
maybe you'll dream of the wonders
has the view ever been so beautiful?
if you cry with tears of joy
will you smile with your heart too
cause when the sun isn't present
can stars and the moon make you beautiful
look inside and see star of the north
I've been guided straight to you
The nights I spend alone and I cannot find you, the sky is too polluted
The last time I saw you I wandered to a wonder and was amazed by the view
now I just wonder if you ever wander making it harder to find you
I hope that I'll find you

but with my last breath
I wouldn't hesitate
to tell you one
last thing and just
as it airs out
I lose consciousness
leaving you with
"You are my-"
then I'd ascend to the skies
becoming your guardian angel
how quickly times have changed
I find myself guiding you to places
you've never been, giving you hints
to the end of the sentence
destination one, Wyoming
meeting at the peak of Elbert
this is the closest you've been to me
you're screaming my name asking
If I can even hear you
and my response
brings the sun out of the clouds
this is the closest you've ever been to me
destination two, Alaska
you've come here to escape the world you left at home, just for a week
camping out in Fairbanks
you've slept through most of the nights
but this night you'll see me again
when you suddenly wake up at 12:45 AM
and look into the sky
You'll see all the lights I promised you
I know we're not in the big apple or the city of sin, but Fairbanks had a view that even us Angels couldn't believe
destination three, Paris
You continue to play the voicemails over and over again
hoping to get as much out of this city that you can
I'm the one that's gone now as you beg for my return..
reading the book full of poems I gave you
under the Eiffel Tower, you stumble upon a series of words you haven't seen before in the book
And you've read it front to back every Sunday morning
"You are my rock, my beautiful night sky, my love."
tears run down your face
now that you know
what my last
breath meant

stupid songs make me fragile
I was heartbroken a few times
but I had to be tough cause momma
said boys don't cry
stupid people made me quit writing
I was heartbroken a few times
but I had to be tough cause pops
said my skin is thicker than leather
and I should have never let anything penetrate the surface
but what do you do when you meet someone who is a shape shifter
shifting everything into place as if it wasn't good enough before the storm
you realize you built a house without a gutter
where did all of the water go?
stupid weather makes me fragile
I was caught in the storm a few times
but pops said men don't need umbrellas
so my hoodies soaked
and my shoes are mushy
making that stupid high pitched sound
with each step
Stupid love songs make me fragile
They let me know I am not alone,
but they also let me know I am not special
Heartbreak
"It happens to everybody"
that's supposed to make me feel better?
I started writing again. Why did I stop?
Stupid people.
"Not everyone has the same heart as you."
the good people aren't as good as they say they are now
Who am I supposed to believe?
I don't want to turn into them, don't let this world make me that way
Jaded.
I'd rather be fragile, so easily taken away in the wind
Though the wind is not always gentle, storms pass by but my house still stands
Misunderstood but I understand now
those good people are good, not just pretending
those good people have let the world change them
Still there is heartbreak, there is stupid & jaded
But we need genuine, we need soft, we need fragile
Just to remind us "Not everyone has the same heart as you" so find the ones who do

she only came to visit on thursday mornings, when the dew was still fresh and the sky was a purplish-pink tint.
I still had a few more weeks left in the hospital, I've almost made a full recovery.
she'd knock twice before entering, and she'd light up the room with an idyllic smile.
bringing fresh flowers and a new get well soon card each time, signed by everyone still afraid to visit me.
she knew that I still wasn't able to speak, all I could do was write.
she'd still speak to me and I'd listen as she read her latest poetry and sing her favorite songs to me.
Her eyes would glisten from the cracks in the blinds letting in the most exquisite lighting I've ever seen before.
She could only stay for thirty minutes, and every minute felt like a millisecond.
It was time for her to go now, so she kissed me on the cheek and said
"I love you, I'll be back next week"
Just as she was walking out, I realized my window was open, so the door slammed shut when she closed it.
In an instant, I'd wake up and realize it was just a dream, consciously knowing that I couldn't wait much longer for her return.
Every time I wake up from the dream, I'd be weak in the knees and I would barely be able to talk.
The sky is still a purplish-pink, the dew is still fresh, the only difference is....
It's Thursday and she hasn't came to visit me yet.

I spent the beginning of the semester
writing short unfinished poems
soon to be completed
by the words of someone else
terribly afraid of the messages
who am I speaking of
what am I talking about
writing in ink
hoping that I don’t run out
anytime soon
there’s still so much to say
the words translated between the two
were more than magical
most artist collaborate
connecting concepts
this was different
these artists collaborated
kept the vision of one
telling two stories
through the voice of one
only to be told to one another
only to be seen by the binders
they kept all of their scraps in
I spent the end of the year
writing completed poems
soon to be forgotten
by the minds of others
terribly afraid of the messages
being missed
I’ve been speaking to you
I’ve been talking about life
writing in ink
hoping that I’ll never run out
I’m just getting started
these words I hope you see
and remember the quotes
I left you
most artists go their separate ways
and never reconnect

don’t tell me that you’ve heard it all
when I have yet to say a word
don’t tell me that you’ve seen it all
when I have yet to show you
I know you’ve seen many things
and have gone many places
but have you really seen it the way I’ve seen it
have you walked across the ocean
have you swam across the highway
nothing has a limit
nothing is supposed to expire
so when you tell me that you’ve loved too much
that tells me that you haven’t loved enough
because love cannot be created or destroyed
it is energy, it is light
it is energy, it is heat
don’t tell me that you’ve got no time for love
that tells me that you’ve got no time for yourself
you’ve got no time to keep up good health
love is nutritious
“I’ve never looked at it that way”
is your favorite new thing to say
but you told me that you’ve seen it all
were you really looking
were you really there
If I told you all the secrets about it
would you have listened
“no one’s ever said that to me before”
but you told me that you’ve heard it all
what will happen if you fall in love
will you say that you’ve felt this before
will you know the entire spectrum of it
or will I redefine the term you thought you knew