I was praying that there was more to time than numbers on a clock. I was hoping that throwing coins into a well was not all that fate left us to tamper with and that maybe I could throw them into your mouth instead. How you've managed to shackle my feet with words alone, smooth as silk bindings, I will never understand. But those words are leaving red marks on my bones and I'm beginning to have the urge to gnaw at them. I have heard the clocks tick in disapproval at the hours we spend staring at the walls instead of at each other, and the sound of your foot bouncing against the floor is all to similar to the sounds of my fist tapping the wall, contemplating if it's worth putting a whole in it, around the size of the hole you put in my heart. The numbers on the clock is all that we have, so we have to make it count, so let's stop counting down the minutes until we're over and start counting down the seconds until we begin.

b.b.

I did something I haven't done in forever today
It was so simple that I can't believe it hasn't occurred to me before
I went and lay down in the garden, on the grass
under the sky and beneath the wreath of tree's
I know- I'm proud of me too
It made a lot of sense in my head
mainly because for the first time ever I managed
to clear my thoughts
have you ever tried?
I turned it all off for a split second of naturalistic bliss
and it was like a reboot and revival
of all the conundrums I have been trying to figure out for so long
it was like a little sprinkle of clarity over my day
I lay there and felt my own body, twitching on the itchy grass
I felt the wind blowing harmlessly on my skin
and I felt the goosebumps rise
it all felt so good
I put my hands up, and stretched out
appreciating my size
I placed my hands on my hips and delighted in feeling
my bones beneath my skin
I delighted in squeezing my own fleshy thighs and knowing they were mine
I pulled my legs up and set them down
just to know how I move
it was more powerful than a reflection in a mirror, because I really
knew, and felt myself for the first time in a long time
I have grown out of touch but I want to be back so badly  

I wondered with new found clarity, and not a single fear of
judgement of sensibility
I felt connected to something much bigger than me
bigger than you, and even bigger than the sky
I can't describe what it was,
but it seemed to love easily and forgive quickly
it had a serenity that I haven't know before
and a wisdom beyond all the years of time
I have very suddenly found ...what?
This God, Goddess, Deity?
an agnostic power, force of nature?
Maybe it's just the liveliness of outside
I don't know but I don't think anybody could put a name on it
I can't even begin to explore it's entirety
so with all that said and done
I think I had better go back tomorrow

i once wrote
"with you, oxygen turns to gold.
and i know in my heart
that all this beauty is worth the weight."
did i really know
what those words meant?

i once dreamt
that i lived on a farm
and i fed the cows strawberries,
hoping to make strawberry milk.
did i really know
what dreams were made of?

i once loved
a girl with ocean-eyes.
and, of course,
i love her still.
did i really know
the weight of the sun?

it was stupid, really.
nothing more than a glitch in the usual system
     just a little bump.
but then you left and
i
couldn't
breathe.
heart pumping
breath racing
fingers shaking.
unintentional
self-inflicted
suffocation.
i can still feel my ribs against my arms when i
     hugged my stomach
looking somewhere
     a  n  y  w  h  e  r  e
for
air.
let me tell you something
breathing is so incredibly simple
     until it's not.