Let's talk for a minute.
You think you can't write but I believe you can. Why else would you want to make a book. You didnt just want to compile past writings. That's cheap. Turns out you're documenting your journey too. The ******* ups and downs of you and your mood. Jesus what is wrong with you. I only you knew. Knew exactly how to feel better. In fact, right now, you dont even know what's wrong. Is it the realization of how hard it is to find love. Is it the realization that life is just going to keep giving you just shots of love. Is it building to something? Something that the collection of all this craving will find content in. A love that will last. Or is this a curse put upon you, stemmed from the possible reason and mathematics of how you were conceived. Not even your parents, that two people that are supposed to make sure youre happy and well can give you that love that you want. I dont think they know how to love. and that behavior transferred to you. You were told yesterday, love is a collection of emotions just all coming together at once. But isnt that how you feel alot. Almost all the time. Maybe you should stop falling in love. Like you've never been told that before. But if the ultimate goal to living, or at least to your belief, is to find something or a collection of somethings that can offer you love when you need or at least when you need it most. Dont you have to play the game of give and take. But at this point, how much more do you have to give to get it. Or maybe even if you feel like you're tearing apart again and again, what you're giving is not enough. And one thing about love, there's so many forms of it. Love hides in the acceptance and comfort that friends give. Love runs wild in the arms of a one night stand. Love stands still when you glance into the eyes of your lover. Love bounces when a dog has it's tongue out and it wants you to play with. Love lies in the arms of a parent. What version of the word "lie"? I dont know. And love is so ******* hard. And so ******* easy. You know what, Love is easy it's handling it that's hard. It's so easy to get attached to a person, to let them into your mind multiple times a day to want to give them presents every week, to want to talk to them throughout the whole day, to want to just walk around for hours just sharing stories. I used to crave love much more than this, and I was young, with not much standards about the norms in society. I used to put my all into my crushes. Creepily, if I do admit. I'd wait for them every morning, and every break. I'd do little things just to please them. **** I used to give my all. I want to do that again. To be able to give my love to someone, at least this time to have them accept it. I want to be crazy for someone and all over someone. But now, my love, at least that kind of love is limited to just the rando hookups that I go on just to fill my ****** ***** *****. And it's sooo limited because you're with a stranger, they dont want what you want, you cant show that. And you know what, it is actually possible to find love. Or at least the love you see on the streets and instagram posts. It is. But you have your trust issues, what if this, what if that, this aint it chief, this aint it. You're sooo picky. You couldve found love in the toxic man who manipulated you about his suicidal tendencies. You could've found love in the guy who didnt know what he wanted and just liked the idea of a girlfriend I guess. You could've found love in the guy who just wanted a nice girl to go to pretty places with. But that kind of love aint it, it wouldnt have been fullfilling because the compromise is bigger than the reward. In the end, there's no love. Unfortunately, you're not going to find the kind of love you're looking for on Tinder either. Though it's hitting you a little late just because you struck out that one time and he was more than what you asked for and so you stayed. But there is no love in Tinder. Yet, there is no love in real life either. People dont talk to random people on the street. Or at least not to you, for some reason. No one's going to ask you out on a date. Not if it's not through a screen. Why? Maybe you're intimidating. Maybe you have crazy eyes. Maybe life just doesnt want to give you that love. But at the same time you cant help but hold on to that line in How I Met Your Mother that says your lover is coming as fast as they can. And when they finally reach it'll be the greatest time of your life. And it's such a long wait. You're 19 and already craving that kind of ****, that's unhealthy *****. I dont know if there's anything else to say. It was a good talk. Thank you for your time.