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Curlan Eiruc Sep 2019
There's no life
There's no life for me to put my life into
and for them to bounce back into me
SO that I can turn that life into something beautiful

There's no purpose or meaning to anything
Only my solitude
the decline of my social connection
the blurred visions of my days
prying myself off my bed
to face the world that has nothing
for me to love or give love to

Or receive love or be love
no love, no feeling,
just numbness and emptiness
screens and screens and screens
maybe they're actually screams
Theres no life in this room, this heart
when theres no life close by for art.
Curlan Eiruc Sep 2019
When thinking about growth,
if you let yourself think about growth,
it's like a dream.

Dream it be,
and it will.
But in growth,
You don't know you've grown until you realize your view is different.
Curlan Eiruc Feb 2019
Sometimes I feel my bones, my blood trying to jump out of my skin
As if there's this pull of energy luring them from their bond of desperate sin
Like time is too slow for my energy, the vibrations too strong to sync
Even my lungs cant catch up, death seems as sweet as ketchup
Nothing is enough yet everything is too much. Is this a setup
You dont want this creative energy. though it does push your productivity
can you get out? it feels like hell in my body

This is not a panic attack or the leap or love
not the product of a workout or lack of slumber
this is natural and unexpected, hits you where you dont ask for it and when your body is stagnant
it just happens unpresidented and all you can do is sit in all of it.
Breathe in, breathe out
Breathe and live till the end of it
Curlan Eiruc Feb 2019
Let's talk for a minute.
You think you can't write but I believe you can. Why else would you want to make a book. You didnt just want to compile past writings. That's cheap. Turns out you're documenting your journey too. The ******* ups and downs of you and your mood. Jesus what is wrong with you. I only you knew. Knew exactly how to feel better. In fact, right now, you dont even know what's wrong. Is it the realization of how hard it is to find love. Is it the realization that life is just going to keep giving you just shots of love. Is it building to something? Something that the collection of all this craving will find content in. A love that will last. Or is this a curse put upon you, stemmed from the possible reason and mathematics of how you were conceived. Not even your parents, that two people that are supposed to make sure youre happy and well can give you that love that you want. I dont think they know how to love. and that behavior transferred to you. You were told yesterday, love is a collection of emotions just all coming together at once. But isnt that how you feel alot. Almost all the time. Maybe you should stop falling in love. Like you've never been told that before. But if the ultimate goal to living, or at least to your belief, is to find something or a collection of somethings that can offer you love when you need or at least when you need it most. Dont you have to play the game of give and take. But at this point, how much more do you have to give to get it. Or maybe even if you feel like you're tearing apart again and again, what you're giving is not enough. And one thing about love, there's so many forms of it. Love hides in the acceptance and comfort that friends give. Love runs wild in the arms of a one night stand. Love stands still when you glance into the eyes of your lover. Love bounces when a dog has it's tongue out and it wants you to play with. Love lies in the arms of a parent. What version of the word "lie"? I dont know. And love is so ******* hard. And so ******* easy. You know what, Love is easy it's handling it that's hard. It's so easy to get attached to a person, to let them into your mind multiple times a day to want to give them presents every week, to want to talk to them throughout the whole day, to want to just walk around for hours just sharing stories. I used to crave love much more than this, and I was young, with not much standards about the norms in society. I used to put my all into my crushes. Creepily, if I do admit. I'd wait for them every morning, and every break. I'd do little things just to please them. **** I used to give my all. I want to do that again. To be able to give my love to someone, at least this time to have them accept it. I want to be crazy for someone and all over someone. But now, my love, at least that kind of love is limited to just the rando hookups that I go on just to fill my ****** ***** *****. And it's sooo limited because you're with a stranger, they dont want what you want, you cant show that. And you know what, it is actually possible to find love. Or at least the love you see on the streets and instagram posts. It is. But you have your trust issues, what if this, what if that, this aint it chief, this aint it. You're sooo picky. You couldve found love in the toxic man who manipulated you about his suicidal tendencies. You could've found love in the guy who didnt know what he wanted and just liked the idea of a girlfriend I guess. You could've found love in the guy who just wanted a nice girl to go to pretty places with. But that kind of love aint it, it wouldnt have been fullfilling because the compromise is bigger than the reward. In the end, there's no love. Unfortunately, you're not going to find the kind of love you're looking for on Tinder either. Though it's hitting you a little late just because you struck out that one time and he was more than what you asked for and so you stayed. But there is no love in Tinder. Yet, there is no love in real life either. People dont talk to random people on the street. Or at least not to you, for some reason. No one's going to ask you out on a date. Not if it's not through a screen. Why? Maybe you're intimidating. Maybe you have crazy eyes. Maybe life just doesnt want to give you that love. But at the same time you cant help but hold on to that line in How I Met Your Mother that says your lover is coming as fast as they can. And when they finally reach it'll be the greatest time of your life. And it's such a long wait. You're 19 and already craving that kind of ****, that's unhealthy *****. I dont know if there's anything else to say. It was a good talk. Thank you for your time.
Curlan Eiruc Jan 2019
This is the story of a little girl with wide eyes
fighting through storms of broken plates and unforgettable lies
fighting monsters of darkness with a sword of dim light
living hell on earth until she dies

The little girl wants freedom
like any other commoner in this kingdom
because they're all caged by the idea of lonesome
and no one taught them how to prepare for this life so gruesome

This little girl is just a little girl who wants love
but giving love is tough for technically, anyone can enter her cove
and not everyone is going to love the same
and unfortunately there really is no one to blame

Her cove is filled with darkness and she is the only source of light
When she's put out and tired it's quite dark in the dead of night
There's no one coming to light her up again so she has to find it in herself
to get back up again even though she knows it's hard to find it in one's self

There's no one coming, she says
There's no one there
She breathes in a breath of smoke filled shaky air
The darkness is a pool, no knight in sight to come
There's only her
her and her lonesome
Curlan Eiruc Dec 2018
Darling I write to talk to myself as a self reflection
for the affirmation
to have a bit more clarity
for the stagnant jeopardy
I get myself stuck in

Darling I write these poems as love letters
like an omen
for my eyes to remind myself
I'll always have me and only me

Darling there aint ever gonna be a darling
that will stay forever
because everyone hears stories and they dont neccessarily want to bother

Darling you can be
amazing and beautiful and talented
but only you'll know where you've landed
and where you're landing
and where you're standing

Darling it may be a ditch of depressions
or an anxiety suppression
making you always feel caged by somethin
and there's no sight of the way in

Darling you love quiet drives on an empty highway with someone by your side,
soft music playing in the background, your lover breathing away your sighs
but everyone likes that until the dreaded realization

Darling you can paint skies and broken lies and make broken ties into beautiful dyes on a blank canvas,
paint your dreams,
your real emotions
people will stare and say amazing but they wont stay for the ending

Darling you can tell all your sad stories, words, artwork.
But in the end you will care for yourself more than others will,
because for them there's a bill at the end from consequences that depends
some will deal some wont
there's no real winning cards
dont hope for a support
just dont

Darling your heart has been broken by the world,
told there's and entity up there that cares for your soul
until you grow and you learn and all you can do is survive
what's the worth of their oath just to have a good last goodbye

Darling you only have yourself,
there is no one else
No guy with twinkling eyes
or parents with truly loving goodbyes
no guidelines to survive your loneliness
no way to tell if you'll die from this lie of a world
you find your own worth
you are your own earth
you love your own birth

Curlan Eiruc Dec 2018
crack open a bottle
it's kinda sad there's no one to talk to about that cool new song
(maybe there is but facing the possibility of them just ignoring you or dismissing you is not a theory too far gone)

pop in a lil ****
it's kinda sad there's no one to talk to about a new idea you got
(maybe there is but facing the possibility of them just ignoring you or dismissing you isn't something easily bought)

down a whole coffee in 5 minutes
it's kind of sad there's no one to share a whole *** song you felt great about recording
(maybe there is but facing the possibility of them just ignoring you or dismissing you sounds a bit berating)

challenge yourself to write short poems at 1.45am
challenge yourself to somehow link them together
it's kind of sad that there's no one here for a little bit of chatter
(maybe there is but facing the possibility of them just ignoring you or dismissing you will just make you sadder)
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