I am not a jealous man, but my heart beats like one and my hands shake like one and god ****** my eyes see like one; I am not a jealous man. Tell Aaron. Tell Erik. Tell Kyle. You’re ******* beautiful and I know it and they know it and it seems like these days you’re the only one that doesn’t. I’m not one to be gentle with my words, you should know that by now. But I am careful with them. I dream—real fantasies—about knocking these guys out because they look at you like I used to or flirt with you like I used to or buy your ******* fries like I used to when I was there but now I’m not. Just please don’t forget that I did those things first and I’ll do them again. I am not a jealous man. I am not a jealous man. I am not a jealous man. I am not a jealous man. I am not a jealous man. I am not a jealous man. I am not a jealous man. I am not a jealous man. I am not a jealous man. I am not a jealous man. I am not a jealous man. I am not a jealous man. I am not a jealous man. I am not a jealous man. I am not a jealous man. I am not a jealous man. I am not a jealous man. I am not a jealous man. I am not a jealous man. I am not a jealous man. I am not a jealous man. I am not a jealous man. I am not a jealous man. I am not a jealous man. I am not a jealous man. I am not a jealous man. I am not a jealous man. See you Friday.

The realization that the love of your life had to reason with you to stay
and that you still didn’t;
That’s the kind that keeps you up at night.
Those are the ones that keep your eyes wet.
It’s the realization that you’re never going to look out and meet her eyes in the crowd.
It’s the realization that you’re never going to dress your kid in onesies.
It’s the realization that any and all good band names from here out will go to waste
as with every spotted dog,
every mashup of words,
every good name for a pet.

The role, others can fill
There’s no doubt in my mind
But the void is much different
See, the void is every phone call on my way home from work
The void is every "I love you" exchanged past midnight when we were both falling asleep.
The void is every minute spent with the door open trying to get my mom to like us.
The void is every time I buried my nose in your hair and I could fleetingly smell what my baby girl would smell like when I'm tucking her in at night.
I left a lot of things behind
But I left a lot of me right there with them.

I’m sitting on a bench in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
You’re laying on your bed in East Hartford, Connecticut
Far, but not too far to see these smoke signals from cigarettes
Sometimes I think that if I blow them in circles you might understand them better
Sometimes I feel like inhaling all that’s toxic to me and never letting it out
just so I can feel how you do
It’s already tomorrow and you’re acting like you’re asleep but I know you’re not
I’m acting like I’m fine but I’m not
I’m watching my hands shake in the mirror because I can’t even bear to look at my real self
Like this reflection isn’t a mirror image at all, but rather, a polar opposite
I ****** up with brown hair so I bleached it
I ****** up with bleached hair so I dyed it
It’s so ******* serendipitous that I made my own hair silver, like it’s some kind of visual double entendre
I’m distancing myself from who I used to be, but every version keeps getting worse
But I’m also putting all of this stress on myself
I’m going grey for many reasons, and every one of them is up to me
I started smoking cigarettes
I started calling you less
I started drinking when I should have gone to bed
If you think for a minute that any aspect of this personal overhaul is up to you,
don’t.
If you start to feel your feelings, don’t.
I’m doing enough of that now.
I always said I wanna feel hurt,
I just never knew I was going to hurt myself.

I'm sleeping in a cold bed
and waking up in cold sweats
There's something in the back of my head
that I can't shake
that I can't change

Five minutes have turned to hours
And lately I feel powerless
But the one thing that couldn't change
Was you
And I did not account for this
That being in love was such a mess
But distance ain't a death sentence
So I'll serve my time
Tears mainlined
And I’ll see you on the other side

I'm kneeling on a tile floor
Realizing that you’re worth more
Countless hours where we talked face to face
Can’t be spent in vain
We’re blood from the same vein

You could be dead
and I’d hardly know the difference
without your touch
to remind me of all we've done
And I could die here
waiting for the Amtrak to come
But I’ll stick it out
We’ll stick it out

…

It’s funny that I have to rewrite old songs
because I never finished them
the way I finished us.
What a mistake.
Victory songs become white flags.
Every ending is a new beginning —
****
that
I wish I ended this before I ended us.
Sudden clarity in wake of settled dust.

I hate this adulthood
I'm suddenly faced with decisions that I won't know the consequences to
But that I still have to make

When you hide your number in a cup of ice cream and wait by your phone for weeks to come
When you nurse a girl from denouncing the concept of marriage
To the thought of her headstone reading Danielle Quinn-Gacek
When you go from discussing parenting plants to cats to dogs to another human ******** being
That's when you fall in love over and over and over again.
And when you let more than the playtime of her favorite songs get in between you
You tell her it will be okay
You make her a picture frame and send her home with snapshots of serenity so you can sleep by her side at night.
You find two hundred twenty-two ways to love her so she learns a new one every day you'll be gone.
You don't let her think for a moment that she has a reason to cry.
You let her try to fix it.

If there's one thing I'll teach my kids, it's that.
You let her try to fix it.
And sometimes the heart you break will break yours back.

it's late nights with pills
and coffee replacing blood
that i've found my fate

Don’t think about me
in my bedroom getting high
on goodbyes
from good friends
Don’t think of consequences
I’m always second guessing myself
Did you notice?
I bet you didn’t
And I’m **** proud
of paring down my friendships,
of lacking in true confidence,
but exuding it anyway
But it’s ******
that you do what you said you wouldn’t
that you are who you swore you would never be
that you take everything you shouldn’t
and leave all the rest to me
that you think that I’m not trying
that you believe that I don’t care
that you have the audacity
to throw caution to the air
I bet you’re swimming in the thick of it
I bet you’re flailing not to drown
I hope miss yourself in the process
of breaking down
Because I won’t be there

Just put me on mute
What you're about to hear is senseless and insensitive
Words falling out of my mouth
That I never wanted to mean
Who knew I could be so mean?
Who knew I had it in me?
I'm drinking enough
To wake up drunk
I didn't think this would be easy
But drowning out memories
Takes one hell of a flood
I smoke cigarettes now
Did you think you'd see the day?
The boy that you once recognized
Is a callous man;
I just wanted to say
I still love you
You're still the same
But I'm somebody different
I'm just going by the same name

I used to pretend
I could read crystal *****
I could tell my own fortune
And I could see you in it
For longer than you predicted
But lying gets old
At a faster rate than I do
My promises are worthless
I promise this is worth it

TATTOO THESE WALLS
WITH WORDS I NEVER MEANT
BUT ALWAYS ******* SAID
TO GET INTO BEDROOMS
FORGET ALL MY SONGS
THE ONES YOU THOUGHT YOU HEARD
BUT ALWAYS MISSED THE MESSAGE
YOU NEVER GOT THE MESSAGE
I'm never level headed.

I used to pretend
I could read crystal *****
I could tell my own fortune
But unfortunately
I can't