it's late nights with pills
and coffee replacing blood
that i've found my fate

I'm sleeping in a cold bed
and waking up in cold sweats
There's something in the back of my head
that I can't shake
that I can't change

Five minutes have turned to hours
And lately I feel powerless
But the one thing that couldn't change
Was you
And I did not account for this
That being in love was such a mess
But distance ain't a death sentence
So I'll serve my time
Tears mainlined
And I’ll see you on the other side

I'm kneeling on a tile floor
Realizing that you’re worth more
Countless hours where we talked face to face
Can’t be spent in vain
We’re blood from the same vein

You could be dead
and I’d hardly know the difference
without your touch
to remind me of all we've done
And I could die here
waiting for the Amtrak to come
But I’ll stick it out
We’ll stick it out

…

It’s funny that I have to rewrite old songs
because I never finished them
the way I finished us.
What a mistake.
Victory songs become white flags.
Every ending is a new beginning —
****
that
I wish I ended this before I ended us.
Sudden clarity in wake of settled dust.

Just put me on mute
What you're about to hear is senseless and insensitive
Words falling out of my mouth
That I never wanted to mean
Who knew I could be so mean?
Who knew I had it in me?
I'm drinking enough
To wake up drunk
I didn't think this would be easy
But drowning out memories
Takes one hell of a flood
I smoke cigarettes now
Did you think you'd see the day?
The boy that you once recognized
Is a callous man;
I just wanted to say
I still love you
You're still the same
But I'm somebody different
I'm just going by the same name

Don’t think about me
in my bedroom getting high
on goodbyes
from good friends
Don’t think of consequences
I’m always second guessing myself
Did you notice?
I bet you didn’t
And I’m **** proud
of paring down my friendships,
of lacking in true confidence,
but exuding it anyway
But it’s ******
that you do what you said you wouldn’t
that you are who you swore you would never be
that you take everything you shouldn’t
and leave all the rest to me
that you think that I’m not trying
that you believe that I don’t care
that you have the audacity
to throw caution to the air
I bet you’re swimming in the thick of it
I bet you’re flailing not to drown
I hope miss yourself in the process
of breaking down
Because I won’t be there

The realization that the love of your life had to reason with you to stay
and that you still didn’t;
That’s the kind that keeps you up at night.
Those are the ones that keep your eyes wet.
It’s the realization that you’re never going to look out and meet her eyes in the crowd.
It’s the realization that you’re never going to dress your kid in onesies.
It’s the realization that any and all good band names from here out will go to waste
as with every spotted dog,
every mashup of words,
every good name for a pet.

The role, others can fill
There’s no doubt in my mind
But the void is much different
See, the void is every phone call on my way home from work
The void is every "I love you" exchanged past midnight when we were both falling asleep.
The void is every minute spent with the door open trying to get my mom to like us.
The void is every time I buried my nose in your hair and I could fleetingly smell what my baby girl would smell like when I'm tucking her in at night.
I left a lot of things behind
But I left a lot of me right there with them.

I hate this adulthood
I'm suddenly faced with decisions that I won't know the consequences to
But that I still have to make

When you hide your number in a cup of ice cream and wait by your phone for weeks to come
When you nurse a girl from denouncing the concept of marriage
To the thought of her headstone reading Danielle Quinn-Gacek
When you go from discussing parenting plants to cats to dogs to another human ******** being
That's when you fall in love over and over and over again.
And when you let more than the playtime of her favorite songs get in between you
You tell her it will be okay
You make her a picture frame and send her home with snapshots of serenity so you can sleep by her side at night.
You find two hundred twenty-two ways to love her so she learns a new one every day you'll be gone.
You don't let her think for a moment that she has a reason to cry.
You let her try to fix it.

If there's one thing I'll teach my kids, it's that.
You let her try to fix it.
And sometimes the heart you break will break yours back.

I used to pretend
I could read crystal *****
I could tell my own fortune
And I could see you in it
For longer than you predicted
But lying gets old
At a faster rate than I do
My promises are worthless
I promise this is worth it

TATTOO THESE WALLS
WITH WORDS I NEVER MEANT
BUT ALWAYS ******* SAID
TO GET INTO BEDROOMS
FORGET ALL MY SONGS
THE ONES YOU THOUGHT YOU HEARD
BUT ALWAYS MISSED THE MESSAGE
YOU NEVER GOT THE MESSAGE
I'm never level headed.

I used to pretend
I could read crystal *****
I could tell my own fortune
But unfortunately
I can't