the clock moves so slowly today, not sure why.

not sure what brought on this sudden fascination with time.

the room's so silent, so much that you can hear the drop of a dime or a ripple in the water caused by a sip of wine fresh off the vine.

sounds, scents and scenery all flood my psyche.

over loaded sensory.

but even with this over load of information there still lies the mystery of the history of your misery.

but no answers come to me, so i wait and see.

patiently.

But patience is not my strong point.

this lesson i learned long ago.

and the thought of me making progress gives me the hope that i need to proceed in this life that i lead.

these words act as a straight edge and keep my thoughts in perfect symmetry.

but even with my mind in straight lines i cant help but let it flow like cosmic tides in a extra terrestrial paradise.

her name.

her face.

her presence..

all cling to my mind like a parasite and milk me dry.

leaving me with no energy to fight this feeling.

my heart may be broken...but its still beating.

its been a while since we talked last, what a shame.

you dont realize what id give to go back to those days, to those ways that never failed to put a smile on my face.

so its safe to say that i miss you along with all those little things you do.

we rushed this...

we never thought it through.

and now we ARE through.

...i remember the day you told me you loved me.

tears filled your eyes and the question "why?" flowed from your lips like butterflies and became the entire focus of my mind.


but for that simple 3 letter question i could find no answer.

instinctively i wrapped my arms around you and told you that i'd never let go.

but it seems that the weight of your distrust became too much for me to hold.

and i pleaded for you not to believe those lies that you've been told.

still you didn't listen. and now you became that last piece of me that i am missing.

and these words will go unread because they will go unspoken.

they say you cant fix whats not broken.

but in my case you cant break what already is.

I cant really explain the feeling.

But its like when we are together our heart beats intertwine and create one sound.

One melody.

A song so beautiful that i'd almost dare say matches yours.

But that wouldnt be an accurate statement because the beauty you posses is of the highest magnitudes.

When im with you, you take me to the highest of altitudes.

And gently you bring me back down.

You keep my head in the clouds but at the same time my feet planted on the ground.

It's as if you are my exclusive gardener and i am your garden because your aura  gives life to every inch of my existence.

Without you I'd surely dry up.

Without you I'd surely fade away.

Like a Scribbler on a hot summer day.

though it will not stop beating

place a rag over the puncture

though it wont stop bleeding

black out my eyes

though they wont stop seeing

cover your ears

though you wont stop listening

attempt to yell until you have nothing left to say

though not a single sound will come out

now forget all that i have ever said

and this time laugh it off instead...

left in the dark

..my heart in my hand

it was a gift for you and you didn't accept it

you never thought twice before you rejected

it..

and me..

and the things that were there and you didn't see

or simply ignored

I'm left in the dark with a sense of confusion

i can't believe i fell for your twisted illusion

and now you try to make up for it with sweet words

that break me down..and nothing more

you asked me to write this and i didn't want to

because i didn't want to say the things that i knew i had to

it was a must

and im sorry if this hurt..

but now that makes two of us..

the title says it all

it describes who i am

i had my hand on the trigger and i couldn't pull it

symbolically speaking that is

you were there..

i was there..

timing couldnt have been more perfect

but in between all of that i had to think and ask my self..

am i worth it?

..because i knew that you were and are

and will always be

but i still have no idea what you think of me

a friend?

or just Crystian?

Crystian is who i really am..

but im also really your friend..

but i really want to be so much more..

but you'll never know

because im simply pathetic

and when im old i'll look back and regret it

not this feeling

but the fact that i cant confess it

it's days like these when i want to give up

sleep forever and dream of a better place

an eternal rest, undisturbed..

my eyes shut

not a quiver not a stir

a beautiful escape from this ugly world

a slumber six feet under

but i wonder..

will I dream beautiful things?

or be forced to silently scream

in agony and pain reflecting this life i lived?

...Lived.

i say it as if i already died..

wishful thinking?