calming
watching soap run off your body
with the steady stream of tiny water jets
caressing the shape of my side
dripping down hip dips and wet lips
in perfumed foam down the drain

with every stride
of chalk i make to the board
your hand is following me
you smile and i do in return
right behind me
undoing all i’ve done
i build and
you demolish
i strengthen  and
you weaken
i’m the yarn sweater i made
trying to tuck the
loose strand
while you tug and pull at it without
haste
leaving it to ribbons
of disparity

why must i look broken
for you to believe i am broken
there’s more that meets the eye
yet it’s more comfortable atop
the lash for most-
mental health is real
and how many lavender oil-infused
baths
scented candles
and Daniel Caesar songs will it take
until the self loathing ceases
the dark hooded voices to cease
it’s echoing in my mind
twisted
painted contorted for someone to love
the painting no one understands until one person tilts their head and squints at the canvas
for someone to embrace
and it must be me first.

love is relative
those who search will never find
yet
i stumbled into you.
we’re over yet i thank you
for your presence
scar tissue developed over my
still-beating heart-
making it difficult but not impossible.
i loved you-
don’t you understand?
mounted up on you-
you whispered you’d never dream of hurting me
and like a beautiful fool
i showed you my full hand and you
played me like it was poker
showed me your cards in the end
and i
was the joker.

the house’s light dimmed as each room
from the outside turned off
where the bugs in the walls really came to life
to light
in the dark
the cracks airing out
absorbing moisture from
showers that run a little too hot
there’s spots now
on the ceiling
like when i’d get in trouble as a girl for blowing bubbles on the wood floor
cleanliness over kids memories
‘ but can’t they make memories
without being messy ‘
mom would chuckle as she slapped
the wet mop to the ground in the next room
as i tell her my thought process
i saw the stain on the rug in my room
it was by the hands of the previous owners
of course
and i thought of how i didn’t hurt you
you came damaged
troubled
distressed
and i caught your eye
and i to you
hollow and needed soothing
like aloe vera to the scalp
a release once more
like acupuncture to the nerve
the satisfaction like finding the perfect
last line
for a poem
i saw the stain
and fell in love with you all over again
while my sister asked why i was smiling at the rug

his heart was just a
street food that
people indulge themselves in,
the girls,
like the children they once were,
insisting on using their
chore money to have the delicacy with
powdered sugar and drizzle
atop of his stillbeating *****
she winced and smirked
the sight of it
vulnerable at the fair
his heart juice dribbled on a sleeve
because of her
the thought terrified yet
satisfied her

to be wanted once again..