I wonder if you think of me in the night
I know it's a waste of time
Even though I think
I can read your smile
I can't
get over it.
I tell myself
I won't be broken
if you decide
I'm not worth it
or just want to
dip your toes in.
I want to fall forward
go all in.
Be your new best friend.
I want you to hold me.
My eyes roll back
and imagine...ughhh
I'm feeling weak just thinking
about how you'd touch me.
Pardon me if I shake.
I'm just so excited
trying to tell myself it's ok.
It's ok.
It's ok.
It's ok.

I'm trapped in my own perspective
It's not good for me
I'm bored with hobbies
Seeking out the old me
Where was she
Aimless for sure
But insanely curious
Don't know for sure
Where is she hiding
Behind a table maybe
Underneath a cool
dark rock like
a salamander
trying to find her
vocabulary.
The late night settling
trying to catch some sleep.
Where is she.
Where is she.
Looking around longingly
I don't have time time
to look anymore
I just gotta live
and forget her.
It's so sad
she is like a stray
cat lost forever
her bones lie
in the forest
in the trees
she was second guessing
climbing.

I'm not yours.
I don't belong to you.
Even if we were together
we're not two.
It's not here to please you.
It's here to please me.
I'd rather kick
back
drink a martini
And relax than pursue something
with you.
I have things to do.
And not enough things to say.
to you.
I got work to do
And while you got me feeling loose
I can't pursue
Feelings are fading fast
cause I know this ain't gonna last.
Your too **** passive aggressive
and I'm so past that.
Because I'm not ok with that.
I've tried to rationalize it a hundred times
And it never feels right.
****** semi consciously
over and over again.
I can't stand it.
I won't tolerate it
or accept it.
Because truth is
I'm over it.
I'm exhausted.
Feeling like I gotta play
this game where I have no stake
never make a mistake
it doesn't make sense.
All it does is nag my conscience.

Saying no is starting to
feel a lot like saying yes.
Not gonna apologize
for being a knife to your chest.
Truth is I tried my very best,
but your just not for me.
And I really gotta leave.

We are different
people ok there
nothing matters
Or is the Same
The conversations
we had
Non-sequitors
Almost as if they never happened.
We talk in the night
We say no to life
Everything is possible
When nothing is possible
You had  me too long
We can't acknowledge we have a past
It doesn't exist here anyway

I wake up and think...
all of those were dreams
none of them matter
gotta move on
go take a shower.

He's headed to the roller rink
She's headed downtown
To see no one
to be around nobody
a perfect night to themselves
doing nothing for nobody.

He sits in his car
the music blaring
softly sighing
hoping to
drown out
the latest saga
Why must others make their
problems his problems.
See, he has his own problems
But he doesn't put them on other people.
He prefers to purge then on paper
Get them out and forget about them
Because these things aren't important
When the night is cool
and it's about to rain
And the lights stream by like bolts
speeding down a empty road.

Wanta
Drown it out
dance in the moonlight
and shout
shake his hands
whip his hair
ridiculously.
Forget the world
for awhile
walk alone at night,
anything to extend this quiet
anything not to go inside.

She's biking in Noho
It's 2am and it's
that California cool outside.
Riding with no handlebars
playing some Dorian concept,
burning a natural high.
Another sleepless night
remedied by impulsiveness
and exercise.

She don't want to go home
seems like this bike path
could stretch till the end.
And anyone who stares
is just a pedal away
a pedal behind
makes her feel so safe.

Wanta
Drown it out
dance in the moonlight
and shout
shake her hands
whip her hair
ridiculously.
Forget the world
for awhile
walk alone at night,
anything to extend this quiet
anything never to go inside.

He hears a song
nostalgic it travels
him in time,
head back he closes his eyes -
trying to remember
what it felt like to ride
open and exposed to the
elements, his headphones in
jamming.

She feels the bright
of headlights.
just one more block to go,
her hands cold
and forehead sweating.
Her thighs burning,
her back aching.
Her hairs standing,
her face clammy.

Wanta
Drown it out
dance in the moonlight
and shout
shake her hands
whip her hair
ridiculously.
Forget the world
for awhile
walk alone at night,
anything to extend this quiet
anything not to go inside.

Im straddling you
and tearing up inside.
My kisses are solemn
and shaking.
I tell you I'm nervous
It's been awhile.
You moan with delight
as my jeans grind
against yours.
I'm doubting the
authenticity of this
exercise but you seem to
like it so I continue.

My eyes water
like someone chopping onions
yours are closed
rolled back into
their sockets.
I tense,
waiting for you to notice
salty tears
streaming down
my face
but nothing is said
and we just continue.

I come up with a couple
explanations for my back pocket
where you hand currently
grasps the fleshy part of my ***.
See,
I'm sensitive.
I'm about to get my period.
I get emotional sometimes.

All partially true
but
the truth is is that.
I feel bad.
Not bad, but bad.
guarded.
closing my mouth while kissing you.
stoically replying to I miss you.
It probably seems like
I'm damaged in some kind of way.
And I probably am,
But I don't think that's why
I'm acting so shy and strange.

I think I already
gave my heart away.
The receiver
just doesn't know it yet.
See with him,
I feel shy, but never strange.
My protective instincts
melt away --
I guess he makes me feel safe.
I don't know why you don't.
But I find myself
shutting you out
so I can let him in,
one day.
Maybe it's the sound
of his voice,
or the thoughtful pauses
between enigmatic takes.
breaking through the
static I've dreamt
of changing it's frequency.
Your own is loud,
booming. Not so fluctuating.
I didn't hear it before we met.
I didn't have the opportunity
to imagine
the head neck and throat
it was attached to.
You were just there,
all 6'3" 200 plus pounds of you.

You treat me nice,
pay for my meals,
make me laugh...
Yet when
you lean in
I turn into
the turtle version
of myself
naturally
pulling away.
Maybe I'm afraid.
It's stupid but I
feel like saving
my body and feelings
for him
despite many
touching them before.
I want to be available
when he's ready,
even if ready
takes a long time.
I don't want to
let myself be content,
and forget about him.

He would notice I
was crying right now
and ask what was wrong.
He notices everything.
Sometimes it's annoying
when he asks if I'm ok 50 times
but I can't help but love it.
I don't even want you to ask.
See I'm uncomfortable
being open
when I'm half-committed,
in body,
but not in spirit.