I've got an itch all over me
I've got an itch in my dreams
Making me scream
Making me feel
I use other's hands to scratch away
but there's a point that makes it halfway
but there's a part that's gone astray
Yet the itching's burning, I need some release
I need someone's kiss...
Lips come together bodies rub
Oh yeah! but...
My life's circuits have been turned off
My skin has been peeled away
And this strange itch is what remains.

Hard to find words lately
Hard to do my thing.
But so easy getting in
the ivory tower of obsession
And dying there, too too deep
The ivory tower can ****

Everything contained and uptight inside
Nothing blooms, nothing thrives
"At last it doesn't die" I merely survive
but I'm enjoying the ride though
Your blue eyes seem to fill the emptiness
But they really do not take away this mess
This inarticulated stress!

You are starting to disgregate
what you really want from your self
Be aware! Organize your guts
Give up control for all
Be the Chariot and the Fool

Hey what are you going to tell me I haven't been through
Some of you read and some others make the books
What are you going to show me I hadn't swallowed yet
What are you telling me I haven't heard

We are rewriting history with our Tumblr
We are showing the hidden side of the game
Empowered nymphets in the sun rays
Our life speaks volumes, I am not who I was then
I was a teenage wreck in the hands of a man
He was a Humbert at the thought of my body and my limbs
I keep it outside as a badge of my life
But don't get me wrong, I am not that book
I change the meaning of the words everytime I move
I make them breathe, I make them come alive
In my own terms, in my own sense
And everything I do is trying to get through
this message that I've bled, this message that I spread
We are the girls, we know what's up
What are you telling me - I know it all
Still at it - with my man who is older than I
Still rocking that summer wind in al
I am breathing mythology, I am breathing testimony
of what they don't dare see
I am an unwanted presence in the room
because I know it good
I learnt it at 16 - my teenage hustling
Your dad shuns your older lover - it's our daily bread
Never be sorry! For fulfilling your dreams
Girls from the world raise your voice high
Men with us help us wear out our lungs
our body, weary in pleasure, all of us...

But I am 24 - my time is over, I know
But I breathe the Lolitaesque still
I live the Lolitaesque!
A tough path to tread on.
But rewarding overall.

Love and soul, that complicated scheme
we try to understand
do we?

I bet it all to your number
it's the way I roll
I know anyway in this lottery
I end up alone

I risked it everything to your name
got broken, and the hit did ache
I won't be coming back to you
but I am not staying with him anyways
I tried to do my ******* best

I don't know the game we play
it is my fault, is it my shame?
some minutes I am confused as hell
I tell myself, I wasn't born yesterday

Are you men to trust?
That's the hard question we don't ask
This lottery we play - wears me out
keeps me on my toes, gaps a big hole
in my chest
I must do something wrong, or can I put
******* Luck to blame?
I bit a lot -  now about to expel
never, never, never from myself

Watch her down the stairs!
Losing herself, no kind of self-respect
no self-love, just a bunch of nerves
raging and breaking down
and no one's there to pick her up

Watch her hugging strangers
that only give her nausea and pain
watch her frantically trying
to escape

Watch her wait, watch her break
and sew her organs at the same pace
watch her ****** arms
watch her tears and the void inside

Watch her existing, not blooming anymore
she didn't choose the road, the road chose
"not blooming anymore?" Oh God
she rose from the dead back in time
can she do it twice?

Is she rotting, is she?
She feels like she's dying at such a speed
Fear freeze, fear freeze
How to survive in the belly of the beast?
That madwoman I've been and never been
is here again, I must watch her do her thing

We are far
And then we talk
Are you with someone else
We say "yes"

And I'm with someone too
but I hate him to my bones
He's just a shadow of me and you
What are we doing then
with our days
What kind of stupid charade
Game do we play?

But if you break up now, I'll rush back to your arms
I've realized I love you much, now I do
And the others, they are crap
They don't fill my heart
His touch is not yours [at all]

And I start to cry
And I laugh
like a maenad in ecstasy
touching the sky
with our fingertips
And we talk, we cannot stop
this re-joining of the souls
Could swallow me whole

But if you break up now, I'll rush back to your arms
I've realized I love you much, now I do
And the others, they are crap
They don't fill my heart
His touch is not yours [at all]

I've had many men all this time
Trying to find your hand

I have already been here
What to do next? What to think?
Clouded thinking can be explained
in so many ways
I have already talked to God
(and it wasn't his voice at all)
I have already lost my mind
I have already felt sane, when I was going down

I really don't wish... - now I see it clear
No one is going to whisper the answer in your ear
But your own will
your own heart
your own being
No cards no omens and no advice
No foretelling no analysis no signs
but this riddle inside

Do I have to cleave
Do I have to keep
there is an answer, there is
but no one is going to show me
but myself

I starved
hard trying to be someone you are not
but sometimes you just can't stop

The year I disfigured myself
to not forget I was in a deaf kind of pain
misunderstood everywhere
a sickly work of art I became
didn't die but of course I did implode

I starved for months
watching myself be destroyed
**** for the soul, going way too far
and yet I could see a dim light...

Getting thinner and thinner
and knowing it's mad but
no one seems to be hearing
I guess
Just one of my weird antics
of the way I once used to be

Tell me how he pulls sounds from my throat
like no one does
the waters scream his name
they roar
He plays the strings of my heart
(Love is the biggest turn on)
And oh you Little boy
you give me joy
but nothing reaching his...

We are broken
but one day we'll be mended
I'll be mended
Because you have meant everything to me
in fact, you mean, and I cry on the street
for you, for you, for me, for us.

Oh my man, I won't forget
but there's a catch, there's always one
breaking all my love, wretching all I get
I know I never said so,
but I love you, I love you, I love you,
and I will be back sooon.

Victim of the bleaching waves, we all will be

I don't want you now - that chapter is done and closed
Again I could put up with it much more
With all the **** you made me take
The shapeless unraveled we became
The painful, the hopeless, the fear everyday

You worded it first: you touched my soul
The needle was stuck on our hearts
The drug directly pumped to our cores
And the abstinence now it shows
Even if at uneven times and hours
The precious waste of our broken love
But I can take withdrawals pretty well
Do you, dear? Are you already ******* some girl?
And you appear, yes,
and I see your faults, but I watch your love
Such a dissonant meaningful song

Do not call your friends hastily so tired
with a fever from hell
on the dark convoluted pits of it, do not dwell!
Do not start throwing stuff all over the room
Do not start shaking on the floor
Do not protect you from pain
in the form of self-inflicted wounds
Run away from those ways! They will only lead you astray

And I saw it clear, in tears
where it all boiled down to - this
you are making this big
(I am at a loss with words with it)
There was something I could do...

Take things in a new manner
Whatever is will be.
I carry on my heavy heart.
But it won't explode no more.
No bomb.
I am keeping it under check.
I am teaching it how to behave
Symbiotic - we both learn

Look at things with a fresh eye
Cooled down: not tormented inside
And if I have to speak up, I will.
And if we have to die, we will, indeed
But what if we have to bloom, thrive,
grow up (another time)
What if there was more to life?

The other side - saying ye come, come ye
You have to see the dark in the sun, the sun shining
in every trap
The other side - calm down, let's not panic
calm down - no use in crying

I am carrying my heavy heart -maybe it will never get lighter,
been living for too long with that.
But he won't wreck my life
My heavy heart will rise

I stayed looking at them eyes, fixed on him
wondering about you
understanding the world
spinning around
Mother married a fascist I call father
And I'm the uncomfortable offspring there

And him, oh him
He was a reflection of you
A sad, painful, lively reflection
He reminded me of you. But he's no you.

Eyes openclosed tonight.

In the passage zone
I found my soul
It was a troubled one, perhaps
But I had to give up
the plan

The hours grew, your kiss was good
but not enough though
The twilight opened my eyes!
I jumped when I was about to die
I saw a light - that I could not avoid

I don't need your crumbs!
I don't need my anxiety on the phone
To be focused on you - never focused back
And you don't need me being bound
Never more
I will die for love, but I will make sure
I am not the only one - although I know well
I would do it again
You taught me a lesson - one I still don't know

I was a inert, idle doll
Head full of dust
Made of cement
and sparkle and unrequited love

Someone came and kissed my pain
kissed all of my cold away
The forces of nature met on my chest
setting fire to the old state
God is watching from afar

I love to burn every night and day
I am not dead, I will live to death
The fire got ignited
must mean something else!

And the pain and the desire
meet at your place
My heart got entranced on the things you gave
But they were not yours
They were mine all the time
I just have to recollect the harvest and
claim it mine

Am I ready for this next step?
The more I run I feel more scared
Can I make it? Are my metal legs squeaking again?
When is one ever ready for the big stuff
to leave the comfort of the room
to fight demons that keep you down
to claim your portion of the world!

It doesn't work that way.
World claims itself. All it takes
is a night staring at the sky
with eyes open wide
and you will be able to feel
the rhythm, the melody inside

A world boiling isnide
Killer, savior - her mind

Oh her! Oh me!
So full of magic, so close to tears
Oh me! Oh me!
I look back, always ending up here
So broken, so burst at the seams
So tattered, so battered, so sick

I was going psychotic - no one knew
Not even me, less of all you
You lost your ability, your passion, your pain...once
You won't do it twice.
I lost myself years ago - can't go back
Save me - first of all, save your own ***

I was the psychotic child
sitting in the room crying alone
I was the psychotic child
No friends, drowning, being
just nothing
wandering in a maze of her own
so terrible, so hideous, so much...
but I will never give up
My body is full of mayhem, full of stars.
Will it unravel? Will the lights go out?
This is when the prayer comes
God, do not let me die
God, you can hit me, but please...
be good to me
Spare me the mask
Spare me the pain
Spare me the maze
I've been here already for years.

I need my trip down the rabbit hole
I need to know
But what I really need -
A black fly interposed in my thoughts

This clarity
without a meaning
This empty vision

A world of ******
but no ***
Just a hole - clogged

Just a vessel - drained
Just desire - with pain
What did I do to deserve?
God - take me away from here
I deserve my slice of "It"

The light of day today
is so heavy and dream-like
Makes me feel hazy,
sweetly lazy
has a weird effect in me
It makes me feel good and wrong
funny ways that I've got

It speaks about you and me
hidden in a room, naked, nothing at all
but us. And I want to be there, I do.
Watching the world drip, in our burning embrace.
The rain washes my pain away.

It speaks about the despair I felt at 15
or maybe before even
and how the rain lifted the weight
with its oppressive pretty greys
The rain washes my pain away.

The rain lulls me into your arms
it promises a Sun.
The rain pushes me places
everything I am
or everything I've been?

There is a slant of dark
leaking, dripping to my heart
There is an obscure chest pressing feeling
I can't seem to kick off

My fear is harboured inside
My slant of dark never leaves
It can be distracted but never flees
I have to think carefully about this

Why the slant of dark is pressuring me?
Taking away my glee
I have reasons to laugh, to breathe
But the slant of dark curbs my bliss

I feel like I have fell too deep
for you
I feel helpless
because I can't stop

The slant of dark drowns me in night
Makes me cry, feel unloved, feel bad
What is the secret to handle
the slant of dark
is it warning me? is it ******* me up?
is it wisdom? is it dumb words from mom?

Where this leads  - I don't know
I know it's bound to end - going to end
Someday, we could not last
You'll get tired of my wounds and stuff
The road leads somewhere we don't know
We'll venture and go - like we were fearless
or gormless...

Mother - you make me choose
between my love and you

You reanimate all my inner fears,
all these little nuisances that do itch!
You want to help me but
you don't know what the deal is

And I look at him and I can't feel his love
Did you place a screen to protect my heart?
Or to protect yours?
Do I want to become the rotting ****** I was
Do you want me not to reach who I can be?

And you are like a knife,
that turns to poisonous thoughts
filled with love
I don't want to talk because
to each their own world

Do I have to battle this now - is this not a demon to slay now - but a handicap, earthly prickly one.
You pit the dogs against us - his sin,
his birth year
My brain pollutes, mom - if I let you in
I just cannot be.
If you let me in, I'll burst yours from within.
But you'll close your eyes, you can't see.

You've never understood
so I stopped waiting for you to do.
You don't know about my life and death,
about how I freed myself.
It was his hand - all over me
It was sacred fate - and a good shrink

I am a runaway
because I live on the edge
of a blade

And it cuts my skin
in a million ways
but I have to stop that
You tear me, oh babe

I want to catch a plane
get away, get away, get away
from myself!
Forget about this mess
forget about the ******* blade
only unknown Sun will help!

Sweet oblivion
leading to visions...
sweet getting lost...
to find your road

I am a runaway
By choice
By vocation
It's in my veins
But no one chooses ever really
to be on the run
"I just had to"

I am struggling
Like I never did
And I fear losing myself
while I drift
While I fight
I thought, I always get lost
won't you pick up my bones
from the floor
if I fall down again
I won't
if I fall again
trying to stand still
breaking the spell of the house
breaking my million spells
both black and white

All my relaxation has left the building
all the happy paths I drew while dreaming
while planning
replaced with this feeling
that degenerates, fades, changes
but the seed is still alive
i'm still shooting
i'm not dead

How not to let the wrong men in the world
WIN?

Bradley: you must know
I am not in love with you at all
but you are a slice from God
Your mouth, your keyboard pours God
Still you are unaware

Your words - a sage from East London you are
You are a vector from God - you beam me up
Oh sage! Oh wise one!

it has crept inside my dreams
polluting me
the thought of division
won't let it win

it's a fever that wants to burgeon
a game that went too far
a feeling out of place
a kick in the stomach...
but if i accept it i let it win
and if i don't, it wins anyway

this is not how my heart behaves
something's wrong in there

I know I really don't know
why my heart beats the way it beats
but i will give my everything
to know about it

I love you, I love you
but my mind - the impostor
forces my heart to do things
he really doesn't like

I don't flow
I drown
I'd rather drown
than this way flow

she's a slave not a goddess
yet she has the power to imprison power
she can't hear the great tune
she says everything is for my good
but she's alien to the vital flood

She's a slave, I said!
all the time bickering, struggling, rowing,
doubting, checking, getting nothing for it
missing the beat
never being finally free

she's in guard for me
like Cerberus kept the gates of hell
she brings nothing worth to keep
I know deep down she's sick

I need a defense! But I don't need a eyeless
slave to save my day

I am a goddess - and I need no slaves
she's blind but never mute! She shouts
and always blows a fuse!
She spills, she cries, drags me to the sty
heaven's below my feet, but she insists in doing right

She says "I am a feminist, I will save your soul"
but she never makes me whole!
she's a true scam of a thought

This slave lives within me
I need to keep her down -
but how?
Give her love
that shuts every mouth

I've been drowning in crap
The demons they live inside
There are promises of life
wrapped in concertinas and barb wire

What are we running away from?
That is not the question
but whether we are suceeding or not

I've been in my little ****** dream
One foot in each side of me
I was real when I wasn't all over it
I saw honey and ran, ******* scared
Is it that you left me scarred?
Your kiss - I had you when I didn't expect
but I saw the rich honey get close
so I got lost

So afraid! So helpless!
Poetry is a stress dumpster
but this way of living is the solution and the problem

I've been drowning in myself
which is part heaven and part hell
how to catch a hold, a grasp
I have to be aware, only sometimes

This wisdom from the depths
this happiness when it rains
this is something to tackle
oh God, where did this become
such a battle?
To watch things happen!

Maybe it's a turning point on this road
A calling I'm not listening to
But the calling's got your name
all over it, all over everything

This fire that got ignited
will go off without your care
And I will look at other men
but I need you to be there...

It's a tensiOn I can't reconcile
I fear the shutdown
Drowning again the way I did
I'm trapped in between!

I need your Kiss real bad
I feel the calling in the train
It's a faceless impulse...

Maybe I'm not listening
but your song fills the air I'm breathing

And you are back, so am I.
We always meet, every day, every night.
You creep into my dreams to boycott them,
while in the day you keep me alive.
I love you. That's why I behave like I lost my head.
I hate you. It's not true, you make me insane.

You are not guilty at all
your only sin is being alive
making paradise
out of this intrincate hell

Here I am - completely disgregated
Never breaking down was so pretty
Stitch me, sew me back again
Stop thinking - start living
but ah, my leg is stuck in the machinery

My days were fun at first
But now you are a drying kind of thirst
"You're beautiful"
I live to raise your altar in my mind
I live to live under the boot of your smile
But all I get is this - not much and not all
I live for this dead thing that will surely harm some
You're starting to wane, so I fight fight fight back
Because I love you so so so much

Oh you boy
I am your stalker and it's fun
but you must know how crazy I am
But only sometimes...

I saw a star in the sky
My sky which was absolute, pitch black
with only a few signs of life
Nothing like witnessing his star
Nothing like us
And after years of light
the star is loved -even more- as it has been
but the eyes are used to the nurturing shine
no more a never seen
it's just a different thing to see
but beautiful as it is

I am the surgeon
Operating in your heart
with cold blood

I am the surgeon
because I'm lost
I'm lost in an ocean of impulses
I've had enough
I hurt you with my moves inside your guts
no anesthetic for us
but PJ Harvey and words
but this is needed
to save our lives
a heart open surgery
of the soul

I am the surgeon
hearing voices from everywhere
steering different places
a bunch of nerves
a bunch of loneliness

God knows I have fear, God knows I doubt
but surgeons just cut
after you, the emptiness
the pain of being a surgeon
after you, the nothingness
but the water was drowning me
the water drowns
when you don't swim well enough

I am a surgeon tonight
I am conscious of it
I try to cry
but my emotions are apart
like a good surgeon would act

And the fear appears
why am I doing this?
I heard the noise outside
and it has left me deaf
What step
to take?
Why am I blinded
by the city lights?
but i see the water lightened by those lights
and it drives me crazy! mad!
I lose my mind

I need time to think, to process
you were standing in the way
but maybe he is too
But he's made me smile wide
See
the struggle of those
who seem strong!
Those with the cold hand!

He liked the Pixies
and noisy rock as much as I do
but oh he could not
make me feel like you

His name is Alejandro, he is
the Swede from San Fernando
blue eyes and 2 meters tall he is
but oh he couldn't beat
your brown eyes and the glasses
and the shiver when you take them off
and kiss me strong

He was the prediction my parents made
a vegetarian lover that does care
and messages me all day
but my parents never read
my future too well
(They have good intentions
but they see no further)

He was a dream
He talked to me, but something's amiss
Something! - you are not him
He was not my dream
not the dream sweetly crafted
by God for me
not the dream I carry simply being me
are you, dear?
I only have these feelings to prove
and if that's the proof
then I'm ******* sure you are His/Her design
But that's not why I love you
I love you simply because...
you are you.
because of us

I am drowning in Sigur Rós songs
and tarot decks
I have thirst for the infinite but I can't reach
so I drown in this place

I have thirst for something I can't tell
I move nervously and cannot find a rest
I am away from everything, and further I will get
This spiral looks like life but it is death

Something's quite off, something doesn't work.
Ask your cards! Go further in the hole!
Ghosts hovering above - it could be so
I am head deep in this but I feel no glee
This is not me, something's amiss

This is the kingdom of solipsism
This is a dangerous land to be in
This is meaningless, this makes no sense
And no magic either to be found

The cards said, "be strong"
Hold on to your heart, the old broken mended one
You'll be a bit upside down, Queen of Cups
Some things could be ****** up
but your dexterous hand will defeat them all
All the demons, little nuisances out there
Nothing love, true love can't save

She bewitched terror and distilled it into power
We didn't choose the outcome; but the outcome was the answer

It will be a tough time, but you can.
Is it true, is it any good?
The reading hovers - as a promise I'll get through

You were way too young and tender
for the devil to call you out
You could not make sense back then
So you simply started to drown

And afterwards, you shattered.
Slowly but incessantly.
You simply could not reach out
from the terrible visions you found

But they were just visions; a nightmare, perhaps.
Everything is a dream: no use in worrying about.
You slept for nearly 10 years, because you had simply broke down.
You were too confused but precious, with it all you could not put up.

Now you have to go back where it all began
Because the very corpse of death stares at you from all sides
Now you have to dig with your hands
deeper! deepest! You have to go that far

You tore; the wound becomes a scar
The future lays questions, answered with the past
but a fundamental new light
to read those lines

Courtney Olanzapine
***** me under
but it's not her
it's my problems

I created her, but she's me
How many years
to arrive at that sweet beach

She's real, she's real
but not as much as I can be...
She threatens - oh wait is it me?
I fill my empty holes with her works
something's amiss
works that should be mine though
She's me, I am her, I totally am not -

Identities dancing around now
only one woman to sustain them all
I will remain, I will prevail...
Subtle mind games
Yet you are the only one to blame!
She has some power I can't handle well -

Under a sweet veil
to show my soul
not to get lost
in the same maze I already know

So take all my alter egos and make them mere names
Yet they push me, take me places...
Courtney Olanzapine - you're as old as it gets
at least, as old as my age
you don't exist, you aren't real
I am you - you are I - it's up to me
Keep my feet on the ground
and my head in those dreamy ***** clouds

The thrills not fully sweated
I have never been here
This is my first time, see

What is love? This is a new town
I am not used to roam
The calm separation...cutting slow
If cutting at all!

Is kisses all our bond?
It is bond enough, is it not?
Is there anything broke
we haven't spotted?
A low tide taking my soul

I think sometimes I am about to break, to faint,
to fall
But it's just the shock
of life to those who died once

[Old bitter wives tales baffling my ears
They feed on and feed all of my fears
**** them, set them free - exorcize these tears]

I fear what things might mean
I fear everything, no matter what it is
I fear, I fear, I fear
Most used verb by me!
Grow strong, grow tall like a tree
Only that way you'll be free

Explanations are poor
they lead nowhere good
just follow the trail of water
open your eyes to its power

The solution is halfway
till you can make it
The solution you won't be told
but it will appear on its own

"Rage, rage against the dying of the light!"
The twilight, preceeds the bright

You'll go to the trash can!
Because you can't keep up

You'll be trashed, garbage one
You'll be disposed
I don't buy your words
I know men so good after all

So there we go
our broken hearts
we are defective ones
that don't deserve a chance!

The travel is long, and wide, and Deep
But you're here, holding my hand, with me
Couldn't think of a better one to tread this with
Regardless of what happens, of what goes on
We'll never, ever be torn

The travel is tough, and wild, and surprising
But I can abide, if you have the patience
In my transitions, I'm caught now
But I'm not alone
In my travel towards the Sun

The travel you began
Thanks, thanks, thanks.
Little steps lead to a long path walked
I've done this on my own, alone

The travel is something i cannot lose
Throw away the wrong spells
Keep some for help.

My fella that never leaves me, the structure around my bones, fake and real.
My pet peeve, my best friend,
My savior, my doom…
My wings, my legs, my cane,
My drug, myself, my scar, my wound.
That’s what it is to me.
Yet it is nothing but my strange scheme of things I made to carry on living…
Something I’d like to live without.

People never write poems about this
yet it exists

This unability to exist
this intricated maze of meanings and beings
this path of walls and ***** games
this emptiness that's made up
this storm

this headache
this deaf pain
this state of mind
this hell inside
that's cold to ever write
about

This is what it feels like
being unable to relax
because you got lost
in your own paths
you tried to drive home
but home slipped away
you broke home
home broke itself
but home today feels far

Heart, where are you now?
Mind, why do you do these things?
Impair my hearing
of the world

Had a vision
High on music and thought
It flickered, not clear enough
But I had a vision about us

Had a vision - where will it lead?
Where will it go? Like a
it heals my self-bruised heart

But still I am stressed
But still I am there!
Still things I don't understand!
But still I'm struggling
The vision guarantees nothing
So much chaos inside
And philosophical, earthly lack

Had a vision - high on life
It's all I want, my soul's desire

That girl clogged with life...
She's choking, it shows
But she's got a promise
She doesn't know
but she's not alone

You were able to see when I was blind
and forever I am thankful to God
You knock somehow deep into my soul now

Maybe it was visible in between the cracks
maybe I was broken but some light
seeped out
my resistance
burning down

And now you tell me this and I am surprised
that someone saw past my antics
(I will always be crazy, that's my gift
but I can find ways to be crazy
which are truly me, ways that fulfill -
the blessed crazy marching towards the Sun!)
and my sickly side -who took control,
for years, I drowned, I drowned-
but there was a time
when it wasn't like this
it was in future
thank God I didn't get to die at 13

These poems mean nothing at all
I need to hold it in my palm
I ran away for years
but now I want to touch and be touched in turn

What kind of man
are you to break
the vows of a girl
But the girl didn't make the vow to herself
so she's committed to no one else

Slowly getting close to me
on a sofa
you broke my resistance
you besieged me
That was your weapon
The closeness of your body on mine
Those shy hands out there when people watch

And I was only cheating myself
that I loved the man
But I couldn't bear the charm
of his arms
around me
So it happened
You are the vow breaker
Now I cannot answer your messages
because you can't hear me
Now I wish I could tell you
Don't know how to react to this
I had never done this ugly thing
Sinning deep on a Saturday night

What kind of man are you
to break my oaths, act like they were not?
The air was thick with desire
growing from all parts
And that desire was thicker than his love...
his love that never was

We are the weird recepcionists!
Sassy, strange flair - for your clean office!
Wild flowers - in a vase
Shape-shifting - for the day

Thinking about God,
thinking about it all
when I am in my own
Your chit chat makes me mad
But I am a mingling alien lass

Yet - can you see me?
see me glow?
Between these post-its and receipts
The fireflies around here

Shape-shifting - wearing a disguise
it doesn't **** me under because I know
what it does
can you feel me? not that I care
Flowers tamed - for a portion of the day
Tamed? More like paused, in the make
Waiting to be released, to come out and play
(This is a disguise, the most comfortable
I could find, I don't dislike it. But it's not who I am)
watch me off duty, committing to myself
watch me in the desk, a confetti bomb
ticking away!

The weird timing of days
It's squeezing me, out of breath
And I can feel smothered air
First you gave me that blow
Blow of life between my legs
But now something simply does not work

And I see things in a different light
My eyes - are darkened, can't be right
But all the little city lights of my day
You lighted up, the honor is yours

There's something that's just quite not well
Wish I could get easily away - but I do
And I try to get away by other's bodies
Other's thoughts and touches
But I am missing myself

The weird timing of days
It's breaking me down - how does that make you feel?
There is a presence - it's not me
But I want to puke at the sight of her
I feel as never - low as I hadn't ever
Worried because i never understood
The weird hours of love

Why did you take me high
To fall so much
Why did you make me high
To taste hell back
No I am not sorry
I won't ever be

There is a well
I cannot see its depth
I can only guess
There is a well from which everything
I do drinks
There is a place where all gets fed

I am stuck here again
I have to swim the tide if I want to get back there
to my home
on the shore

Feels like I'm at loss with words
I can barely weave my heart
or take any control
although I do try to get back home
I call home your arms

Everything has a hidden bitter sip
Nothing is what it seems inside of me

Things are so rotten but still they shine a light
Things are a chaos I try to sum up when I write

There is a well
but I have nothing else
so I better get to it
Nothing makes sense

When I was 13
scared of my body
scared of my brain
in a ******* whirlwind
that felt like frozen limbs
I kept asking my mother
every day
"do you love me?
would you do it all the time?
what if, mom, would you still
love me the same? mom?"
and far-fetched scenarios
and a thirst that is never quenched
and a fear entrenched
my guts in a knot
ebbing and flowing
on a dance of uncertainty
never stopping the doubting

And now I land here
a place I never could have thought
You bring me here - but I also had a say on this
I don't need your mouth to say anything
You tell me all I need to know in a kiss

The world without I love yous
is my land of choice
I want to dismiss all the solid words
that led to my demise

Because this ride is wider than declamations
And late night confessions.
It's bigger and better than speaking,
circling around
about your obsessions
And it's not the answer
so it's not the question

"I love you" is OCD for the heart!
Constantly checking, never getting enough
getting huge and huger
stirring all that's bad
It loses meaning, and it's not fun
Burn your "lover's" anxieties, fill them with ever LOVE
with the watery flow of it all
(or that sight of the eternal...)
love does not doubt
love does not shake
love merely is
love is relaxed, slick
love is not really what you think!

I live in the world without I love yous
and funnily, I feel more love
than I ever did
Keep those days, those nights
where you are on fire!!

This was always my torture
This was always my pain
The one thing in my brain
that blew away

Why? I have no idea why
But the more time passes
I know right?

A permanent wound in my head
Was I born this way?
Clouding my understanding
But a truth never dies
What to do with two? or many of them?

Who will guide me through this path
Will you
I can do it myself
But it's better if we do...

I don't know what to do
I just see the wounds
This must make sense in the end

Caught like I will always be
This tension to exist - this is to live
The wound carries the solution
The solution is there for you to **** on
it is the whole world and just a spot
Your questions are answers of its own
The wound is a chance to heal
Give it time, give it time, it will.

This is the ultimate empowerment
To feel connected to the SOURCE