The girl that had never watched Breaking Bad until this year
So many things that I've missed
But I had to walk apart, another path
The girl who wasn't there, but other place, when everybody else did
The girl that is not from this place
But she's starting to find a way
The girl who had never been kissed and loved so much
The girl whose eyes WIDE OPEN now
Her life has just begun
For the time she lost, she's making up
Waiting for her life to turn out
The girl that like a butterfly
needed time

We want freedom
We want equality
Equality to work! Equality to rock!
Equality to be -you dread it- ******! If you like the word
It's my pride - to be what you deny

Give me my feminism
But don't take the fun from me
Give me all that feminism
but don't take the spark from me
If it doesn't make me high, it's not it

Don't get inside my bed
and tell me to be a good girl!
Burn all your Gods
Heaven or earthly bound
No one ever tells me who to ****!

You all think you know much! But you don't know at all
Freedom is the aim! Freed from everything
We want men to be our friends, in and outside our bed
We don't need you, righteous people!
We don't need you, voice of reason!

Freedom to show my body, freedom to decide
Give us those rights, give us life
To fully explore and become people not stuff
Don't ever let us fall
down the rabbit hole
of their clonic boring mores

Right to get respect
for all we are, "no more sectioning of the self"
choosing between my two halves and picking the wildest one
What if I like to be a little naughty imp
when I am with him?

Right to be ourselves
not less
We are for real, we are here
So swallow back all that ****
I want my rights
Not laws about my lower parts

She is a recycled ****** faithful to her roots, on overdrive (she thinks high)
She's a little narcissist with tears in her eyes
Sometimes

She is unstimulating dead at the core I avoid her corpse, sick to my bones
Words fail me to describe her
She inhabits a ***** smelly drawer
Her life is a string of disaster but ah not like mine
She doesn't try hard
"She's not one of us"

I thought we would be the world
but that was before
the doors
And I have tried to taper you off
Like a drug you should have never known
But you're blind and addicted and starving for love

And I shook inside
for your pain was mine
Siamese twins
Of wards and tears
But different DNA and breed

So I have to carry on fighting
and the fact it's you I hurt.
But ah, you put yourself easily
You had it coming, you see
Like a prey
And I had no idea I could ****.

The abyss looked at me
And I stared into his eyes, deep, deep
inside

And now he got a grab of my soul
Now I have to dissect what he brought
Now he ****** up my world,
no pleasure like waking up from his nightmare
in the light of love

How am I going to cope?
The wheel of fortune...superstitions
or truth above?

What if this is borrowed time?
I had none to call mine
Had too many hours
in the waiting rooms of life

Maybe I had none to call mine
None that I could grasp
for years and years of silence
with peaks in the dark
filling peaks of light

But what about the little explosions
everything coming alive
What about the ******, the blossom
Sitting is not motion!
what about coming together for once
What about the smile in your face?
Because if this is not my time
then whose is? tell me, what?
What is this I had?

Am I living borrowed time
Am I made to pine, to pine, to pine?

The flashbacks, the ideas
fluttering in my head
Something's pulling out all of my insides
But I am silent instead

They whisper ideas that I can't grasp well
Will I get out of this hell?
Which way?

Because it feels like I love you
but I can't. Every move I do
carries me further down.

I've been here before, no clarity now to show
I remember when I was starting to grow
Arrived some years late
to the parade

Life is ugly and unclear - sometimes
And everything surrounding might be a lie
I can't talk, my mind is held hostage right now
Everything so horrible - yet I can't shout
I can't be, I can't touch
The nourishing battle - away from me now
The life within - is gone

The demons became the canvas
I fight but I no longer slay them,
They creep inside my body
They got me in a kind of a knot again

I love you, I love you, but it hurts
Nothing hurts more than being myself does

I AM NOT OKAY

To what point am I sick?
I go mad - when I see a chick
on your feed
in your photos
and you behave so relaxed
Is this hurting me bad?
Why now? I don't think so

I'm too accustomed to bitterness, and in happiness,
I ache. It's like a reflex that things gotta go wrong.
I cannot think bright. Why should I?

We were
amoebas
but we grew
and therefore
our bond was lost

We were underdeveloped life forms
yet being so consistenly formed
in our dreams and hopes
we were just waiting at the crossroads
for someone to pick us up

We were the beginning of life
back then
Embryonic state
everything to gain

and we have been picked up
I thank God - we could not stay there for long
even if now there is a threat of drought
all over my heart
do you get those? do you?
the saddest part of it all
a link is gone
we are flickering like a dying light
but hey, this is life
and it's not like we were empty now

I was set in Stone
but in the way I found love
I found pleasure, I found a lack of fear
taking all of me.

I found sleep, and arousal, grabbing hands, to feel free.

Your arms around me
your hands grabbing me
you're everywhere of me
and I allow you gladly to do it

I can feel you hard - for me
I remain shy - storm in a teacup
I just want to relax, exist, feel
No rushing about what should be

Sweet shyness sweet teenager
opening her eyes like a newborn child
if I could get this spell everyday, I would
Get me a spoonful of you
Put me on a diet of us

And though the devil he soars
for a second he was apart
Can you follow my slow dance? Can you?
If you can't, someone will do.

It's so soft this dance
we are dancing in this sofá
but it is the perfect pace
for my metal legs, my tired feet

It was like an angel showing who I really could be
Your hands all over me
give me fever
I have Little power as a stove
but today you turned me on.

I moaned - Deep, from my throat
You pulled it out from me, I didn't know
We rekindled the flame, the devil felt he was being called
and he destroyed it all somehow

Am I going psychotic again?
Astray, misled
Will I be saved?
Losing the compass I gained?
Everyone visiting me in my sickly bed
Taking care of me while I shake in pain
Friends saying, you'll get better, if you wait
My love, saying he's always there...

In my sickly, mind foggy bed
the Sun shines in anticipation of the next day
but we never really know
tomorrow is elusive, but it's all we've got

The nurse's room is heaven
when hell lives within
But you gotta dream with a life
outside of it

My brain does not fit the sentences anymore
I can't hear the rhythm, so who cares about words
Am I sinking under again? I felt it in my bones
I did not know truth from fake more
And I am going back on my steps, which hurts so
I hope God saves me, from the fire of psychic death

Am I losing my mind? Not knowing where I stand
And every path is darkened, and every move hurts
And confuses and carries death
I hope I can be saved - reborn again
cleanse my sin - because I killed myself

And no words can tell
what I am enduring these days
it seems empty, repetitive ****
as repetitive as my thoughts spinning within

What does this mean?
Coming from the guts of my soul
But my soul is hostage now, I fear

I've been here
weird 14 year old
and I say
no more, no more
It's not so distorted - my core
Loose ends, unfitting scenes
Unclosed, missing links

And I love you, but what does this say?
Think with your heart and you'll know.
The answer lies somewhere you're satisfied
The answer is away but close
at the same time
Is it a wish I must rehearse?
Am I going too low?

I know this is a point of connection to the world
a peculiar hotspot -no pun-
I know this is the key to finally walk
It's self exploration warning without
Could love **** love?
How many feelings, how few words

I yearn your embrace, your hands all over me
But this everynight gift makes me feel weird.
Everything so weird.

The light of day today
is so heavy and dream-like
Makes me feel hazy,
sweetly lazy
has a weird effect in me
It makes me feel good and wrong
funny ways that I've got

It speaks about you and me
hidden in a room, naked, nothing at all
but us. And I want to be there, I do.
Watching the world drip, in our burning embrace.
The rain washes my pain away.

It speaks about the despair I felt at 15
or maybe before even
and how the rain lifted the weight
with its oppressive pretty greys
The rain washes my pain away.

The rain lulls me into your arms
it promises a Sun.
The rain pushes me places
everything I am
or everything I've been?

We are lost, everything will be lost
Our love - cut to death with the secrets I hold

You're pulling away from me, I see
You are getting lost in the night
You are wandering out there but not with me
I am just a time filler
But you won't tell me anything

The light shines brighter when it's dark
And so it's happening with us
I had a future for me filled with us
The light always shines brighter when you drown
I had no idea what was going to be, honestly
But death wasn't an option for me
But it is crawling towards me...

Show me a way
Through your touch
Show me a way
I can't see the way out
I cling to you
True love once found.

Open relationship
I know that you'll leave me
Because the body and the soul
they do not lie so far
But it's a risk I take
I take it with my heart
Because body and soul
are made of the same fabric
A weight lifted from my shoulders
But a new state of us is here

(why it is so important for you
to get inside of me?
I can't let anyone inside
it hurts, it hurts)

Open relationship
A whole new world in front of us
But it's not what we both want
In a perfect world

Open relationship
Waiting - till I'm done with me
what are we gonna do
what are we gonna do
where are we going to move?

And I can tell you who I kissed
And you can tell me where you've been
It doesn't sound so bad
but it doesn't sound right

Open relationship
but the heart steering only one way, I think
The duality of mind and body, which is not really such a thing
You say it's confusing
Maybe we cannot stay
this way
I'd lie if I said
I'm not a little afraid
But this is what it takes

she's a slave not a goddess
yet she has the power to imprison power
she can't hear the great tune
she says everything is for my good
but she's alien to the vital flood

She's a slave, I said!
all the time bickering, struggling, rowing,
doubting, checking, getting nothing for it
missing the beat
never being finally free

she's in guard for me
like Cerberus kept the gates of hell
she brings nothing worth to keep
I know deep down she's sick

I need a defense! But I don't need a eyeless
slave to save my day

I am a goddess - and I need no slaves
she's blind but never mute! She shouts
and always blows a fuse!
She spills, she cries, drags me to the sty
heaven's below my feet, but she insists in doing right

She says "I am a feminist, I will save your soul"
but she never makes me whole!
she's a true scam of a thought

This slave lives within me
I need to keep her down -
but how?
Give her love
that shuts every mouth

Love killed us
Love fed us
Love won't take us
We'll have to hitch a ride

Love never hurt us
but the word stood in the way
I stood on my pain

But the fear is always there
more than pleasure, it's a safe space
Love killed me, it killed everything
that ******* word, obliterating realities
Obstructing the Sun!

Yet love is the only thing we know
all comes from that source
we forgot true love
we got caught up on regulations
on feminist analysis and stuff
on measures and canalizations
forgot the raw fountain of love
now he throws me a ball
to my own thoughts
I am killing myself
only now I am aware
Girls, girls, girls took me away
I took myself away.

Why do you appear now?
My old darling, I kicked you out!
What do you want from me this time?
Oh, God, you make me so high
Your *** - even if only in my mind
so nice, never fails to give me chills

Because when I am without you
I feel much lighter
I can float, I get high
in arms that treat me right
The world smiles in a whole new way
it looks better, and they say
so do I

Because you're no solution
You are no ******* answer
You are the Moon stirring problems
You're a dream turning into a nightmare

Because you never really loved me
I gave you all, you gave barely something

I will never fully recover from you
I am in rehab for this, I do
All I can aspire is to obliterate and block you
The kick of the drug will never lose its allure
Because our memories are scorching
and hot
and steamy
and intense and pathetic
and what not

So I won't give in to you
You are fading, you are a bad habit
My cigarrette when I am too stressed
You're a little vice that carries nowhere
You are a memory that stings profound
You're a masturbatory motif, if at all
That's you.
Nothing more.

Oh love where do you hide
why are you so elusive
calling out my name loud all the while?

You catch me tight
and never fully grab my hand
Sad because he could not
give me what I want

Where do you lie my fellow tortured soul
Do you cry at night, do you struggle to belong
Where are you my lost one
my bedroom God
my tiny pleasure, my great rock

You will not laugh at my poems and my ache
You will not be my shrink - we will laugh the pain away

He saved me once and I saved myself
But we could not be, I could not stay
I am floating away...
Tears gather in my skull
Where are you love? You're like a dead limb
You're not here, but I feel your loss

Sad because I lost it again
And I fear what comes next
My well of pain and doubt,
my treadmill - do I need to stop?
I can't give up -
Time, time, time
ticks away like a bomb
My needs they dissolve but never fully gone

You had to leave
I had to let you go of me

And both of them wave me goodbye
And I wave goodbye back. It hurts.
But this is also release
Could not live on the edge of the blade
endlessly
And whatever comes I embrace
now I know things well.

Death is not the end
death is the forethought of life
PS: You are number one, you blow my mind.

"Your eviscerating, loving stare"...
and I can feel something tear -
it's my certainty,
it's my reality,
(the very things I see
they clash with thee!)

You are good, but you are a threat!
You cut me - and you want to help
My eyeballs possessed by your mental state!
It's a outside voice inside my head
For years, for years - trying to break free
I had your ugly eyes
fixed over mine!
I always knew they weren't right but
for a second they got attached -

The eyes of the world - so unknown
your eyes tend to interpret what they don't know
Their eyes - always hurt a lot
because they're yours, and they also rot!
Rot my heart and my thoughts

But you are good, you are there too
how can love make you feel so low?
I guess it's something no one wants to know
I just can't let you swap my soul at all
for yours, or let you set my rights and wrongs.
Peace is this.

I have a lot to say but the words collapse in my mouth
I feel strained - uneasy and frozen
I cannot connect with the source, the source is away
I lose myself in daydreams, but no meaning below them
They feel dead

How come - how come this hell?
I cannot even look at, but I must, if I want to put an end
Hell is man-made, thoughts and weird ideas popped there
I know it well, for years I lived in the place

If I could simply live in synchronicity
if I could simply be
all the ******* time
what I am
nothing else
just a tinsel existence
just unfreezing myself
I see for miles
I need to do for miles

I woke up this morning
Clairvoyance
everything falling into place
Feeling so full, so great

It was your kiss
it was your body all over me
it was - reality
it was - a fantasy
it was - everything

Clairvoyance - I never wanted him
I don't need anything but this
This hunger gets met
How good it felt

I woke up this morning
And all I felt was your breath on mine
It wasn't real, but I can feel
for miles

Clairvoyance - you and I
Clairvoyance because you fill me up
Clairvoyance because I ******* can

Steady and ready
I get prepared to spill the beans
I found you! Oh Thomas, I did!

Oh Thomas incubus of my 20 first poems
In my ***** blue hair and unsteady mind
between eggs and ham
I find you unexpected
that I find happily chatting with his colleagues
That ***** mole of yours, enticing me
Enticing me? I can remember how you did
That pink haired girl in your bed
that would never give head
But her body is on fire
The water starts to flow inside
That girl trapped in between
in between herself
but still loving you

Oh Thomas
How you left me these Xmas
I thought you would be my everything
my teacher, the lighthouse to me
But
We couldn't make it far
Just a kiss and a tender touch
in a hidden cocktail bar
And that's what we were
Nothing more at all
Ephemeral love brought forward true love
You are nothing but a stain
an accident (like everything else)

Thomas. Pig. Fake.

Been blaming you all the time
for the things that really were mine
You would not swallow my pills
but it wasn't you somehow it was me

There is a question in the floor
the approval I need
is mine not yours

What drove me here to the stars
Was pure luck
Was nothing but a lack of fear at all
But I dared to roll the dice

I have no problems, I don't.
I wake up every morning and slay 'em all
But there is a shade in this canvas of doubt
I hadn't seen before

Something keeps me away
from stopping to be away
But it grows and grows everyday

I don't want this, do I?
Sitting in this corner feeling uptight
I am not like you at all
Sweet relief, being on your own

The approval I need
needs to go to hell
I never lived for it
I will scream my heart out
I will bask in the Sun

I can feel - energies flow
I developed an eye for something that doesn't show
Maybe it's just earthy magic
Magic of the everyday - maybe the only to account for

I can feel - energies flow
and they go
And I am afraid because I'm not in control
I am deeply afraid of it all
Then I see a sign above of my head
"You are not connected to the source"
You don't control anything of this

That was it!
I'd rather be smiling than writing this poem
In the amidst of bad, bad omens!
That was it!
The problem is within
As is it always is
That was it!
Something is dislocated, out of place
The september moon makes me mad
But today I had your arms
and I suddenly know better where I stand

Throw away the growth
I can only see the path of love
I discovered the world
in a twist of luck
and I am going to die if it's needed
for the only thing that ignited

Why am I so thrilled
to begin this journey without your kiss?
This kissless journey for you and me

My alien fellow traveler
you are lost, I showed you were so
Grab my friendly hand
-it reaches no longer
in the inside of your pants-
let's walk, let's walk

You make me somewhat high
when I am low
but I will help you
if I just can
no matter what!

You are sick, and broken,
and about to find something
You will swim the oceans to find
what you need
This is new - I want to see it be
You shine a light on me
But not as bright as him
I saw better days

It's like that
Every break up brings me back
Twists me up
shuts my mouth with normalcy and stuff
My poetry is magic - have to take care of it
Control well the energies - keep the spells with me

And I see myself
roaming the world without your hand
And I see myself
utterly lost but you're not to blame
Woke up from a dream, where the shapes were beautiful and sweetly moving
now I must learn living
so my eyes can see the shapes as they are: as in a dreaming state

I'm writing in a sweat - people will be there
maybe I need to accept my fate
Everything is periphery to me.
but fighting is hard, i get no pleasure from it

I can see myself
drowning after you
people make me drown
and beauty will creep
everywhere
it is.

What happened the months
preceding the disaster?
What made it detonate
what compounded the bomb there -
it's still unknown, we need to investigate
it's not only about the mess I made

We need to go back, without going back at all!
Are you brave enough
because I am
and I will defeat Gods
and anything in my path

I watched my evil patterns
My evillest one: focusing too much
on you, dear
on my empty slots
I am open to anything - are you?
Do you have what it takes - to come through

What happened these awful days
where you cracked under the pressure
and I cracked under your name?
My mom said you need to get away
from something I could not tell

And we have to try new ways
to thrive and stay sane
stay alive

I am the *****
oh God I've been hurt
I am the ******
oh God I've been damaged

I am the *****
I give myself love
because no one is going to, I know
and tears come to my eyes
but I shake it off with a stranger's touch
I am the ******
I shut down
because pain eats my whole
I run away from what I cherish the most

He could have given me all,
so I give myself to anyone
He could have given me all,
so I can't see his ilk no more

it's no longer my style
to wait for you all night
it's no longer my way
to endure stoically the pain
I'd rather grab my pen,
I'd rather sail away
with my head

I am the *****,
tired of all this play
I am the ******,
every night feverishly touching myself
And we meet at some point,
and we break the same way.
We are one,
we are the shattered hearts
but not right from the start

And maybe you are another oppressive link
to break with

My whole life is to be dissapproved
by you; or rather, misunderstood
I am a black sheep; but I'd rather be pink

It began at 11 with my friends and my silence
and the very little I said, you were unable to interpret
it began with coming home crying on the bus
it began with fears you could not handle
it began with me seeing the world further

it continued with me sleeping late
with my songs that spoke of a pain
whose source you could not trace
it continued with me loving girls
it continued with being a Courtney Love fan
it continued with a bad romance with an older man
it continued with me completely going nuts
and i wanted to stay with you, because you were all I knew
but your evenings at Vips were slowly killing me
I could not see. I could not see

and it goes on and on
and it doesn't hurt anymore
because I'm 27 and grew strong
but it carries on, when you don't love who I love
when my style strikes you as pedophilic flair
when you hint me a ***** - and say I don't act my age
And it's our contract; we love each other
even if we never meet each other's eye
And I've been walking long for now
and I know better:
it's my fate. I can pretty much take.
One has to fight for his art. What if your art
is your life?

A crime - to obstruct the shine
Oh these people
hush their mouths, shut 'em down
**** their noise that impairs
the eternal sound

Oh, they are the worse!
They keep the white from being born
breaking like dawn
All the chatter clatters, clutters around
And mixes up with my heart

Oh **** these ugly stricken thoughts
-they are yours!-
thoughts leading to unrest
Oh **** your evil doppelganger
oh **** these judging strangers

I'll hide in bed with you
We will be saved from doom

Because love is that intuition
stemming from reality, it is the a bright feeling, a clear sum
Not the fear-driven gut
that belongs to your family
Not the hysterical bout
that shatters -for a moment- the world
Intuition is heart and mind, to each other bound.

And I learnt about whiteness in your arms
I learnt about life.
**** that stupid, unflowing stranger ***** outside.

And here I am - an ex psychotic
(Bradley certified)
telling you which steps to take
in the infinite wisdom
that only could be given by hell

And I want to write about this
but it is bigger than me
yet the only thing I write about
obsessively, constantly,
wholly

Connecting with you,
my (****) friend. Kicking away evil patterns.
Step by step, sweet kick by sweet kick away.
In your embrace. In the steam you create.
In our problems, that we will solve...
You convinced me once more!
I am lost and found...weakened and strong
I drank your soul. My friend, my friend,
my love.

I will indeed walk.
Away from this town of dust.
My life has just begun.
I see a lighthouse, might be the Sun.
A new Sun that was there all along.

Watch a man
use you like a handkerchief
panting like a pig
not saying your name not even once
no sweet words to make it overflow
moving quickly
thinking of himself
barely interested in your soul
he will leave you
with no goodbye at all
he doesn't kiss you at the door
he wanted this from the beginning and you
fell into his arms
like a naive *****

He will call when he feels alone
All he wanted was to taste your hole
the only thing you cannot give him...now
Wait for my shiny new gun

Tears in my eyes, a broken Valentine
I am high, so you are low
This **** irks me, this **** hurts
Why don't you stomp over my heart
and finally tear it apart
So I can bleed profusely, but not to death
only cry my eyes out
for what we were

Shapeless soul candy beautiful boy
You're hot, no need to be coy
So why am I calling you boy?

Blue eyed man
I know you got tired of who I am.

but

Meet me at the threshold
of our worlds
Who shot me? I am losing blood
take me
where aliens escape to earth
I tasted human water
now spacey air no longer fed

You live at the border
between madness and light
you peek inside
and you found me there

And I found you there
your blue eyes and your entrancing touch
dark **** nights at parks!
you are a gift I was given now
now I know how love feels
now I know how wholeness must be!
not inadequacy and dysfunction
(not all the **** I took from him)
now I know how warm it must be
when you just can grab what you wish
a melting sweet in your palm
grab it while it's cold

You are beautiful
you are shapeless too
it's one of the reasons
why you're so good

You are shapeless because you need nothing else
no enhancements because you're yourself
I paint you in my brain this way

Kiss me goodbye
or kiss me hello
keep me in your heart
I will do so
even if I could not be enough

Shapeless guy
Miracle in Bumble
A dream to hold close
Though, he is probably gone

Life is steady - trying to **** us up
Trying to get in the way of us
But this nuisance that pierces
is nothing but a speck in the eye of the universe
Even to our own eyes. It burns, mortal eternal, and blinds,
but it won't make us die.

"My pain is tiny but oh it is fierce"
I would be glad if it dissappeared.
My ache is minor - but I complain because it ******* stings.
And I can't see an end to it
But it exists

Before the war
the sun shone
somedays there are clouds
but that's life

Now we are in the war
I found the metaphor
ugly enough

No use in thinking about the world before
For now is all I've got
But history never hurts
and helps us see
where we are

I had a long trip - stuck on your lips
Amish girl gone wild, I'll (never) be
You showed me the world - I didn't know
I tasted it - thankful to God but
Now I'm back home - but never on square one
I bring memories, sweet remedies
I bring the joy of the path we've felt
I don't overlook my joy, I hold back not my pain
I had a long trip - now I am sailing to a different place
Nothing dies, and that's the problem, and that's the answer.

Like  a child throwing a tantrum
She's labeled a brat
Like a child that has grabbed hold
and won't let it go
without putting up a fight

First the tears came
now a whimsical anger goes
I am back to myself - 5 years again

I feel smothered when I come home
Smothered by my thoughts
All I want is your arms
All I need is us

What if I told you about the ward?
About the dark shade all over my past
Would you walk away
fear the ghosts asleep above my head
They won't hurt you...
Dear, I am and I am not
the same girl

Here's my poem to you:
You make me wanna tear my scabs off
all the words they placed on my name
that once set me free, I must confess
and wish for something more
It's who I am: but it's not
I am more than the sum of my parts
and nothing at all

Ex-psychotic girl, that's me.
Never fully recovered,
but beginning to be
I have been everything

I am off the ward
oh, the Sun
is giving me a tan
and your eyes are lighting up
the bridges I burn

It's a shame
It makes no sense!
Will you leave
or will you stay?
We are a ******* dream
let's not make it
a nightmare

I have been everything, everywhere
to land finally here
In your sweet kiss

Photographs of a time past
Things that I've overcome - or they are far
Hell's passed, hell's done
Heaven lied there, hidden all the time
I can see it clear - and it gives me peace
My past is seen with new-old eyes
Everything fits, at last!

Now I lived it, I can sing it
The pain left a scar, so I caress it with my hand
The pain is gone - but always leaves a track
Photographs that come to my mind
of what is, what it was

My short skirt - not asking for it!
My lips in ***** red - not asking for it!
It was a hot day and I took off my clothes so I could breathe
but other times, I am hot and then
I need what I need...
(hard, throbbing, in me)

My ******* - not asking for it!
The way I walk along the street - not asking for it!
Except when I do...
and then,
you better feel me,
you better do me, boo.

The ugly beast, that *****
takes the spoons, makes them knives
to hurt both of us in the heart
That ugly *****, paranoid diagnosed
Makes me look for things which ain't
Pushing things further and further again
A delusional voice in my head
A fear corroding my veins
A pain that never fully leaves.

(The ugly beast, that *****
makes **** out of me
Is she my guardian angel or is she a diverting devil
trying to make my life hell and not be able
to live, to enjoy what I have?
Is she heaven sent? She can be hell-bent!)

The ugly beast
turns gold to ****
All she needs to hear and feel is LOVE
but oh no! Wait that's me
The beast merely drives to the darkest pit.

Now you step into shaky, feared land
I tell you: do it, and do it at once
The good adjusted adults tremble in fear
but you should rejoice with this
Get confused, rave, get lost in the maze
of the world
because the world is not a jail
the world is all we have got
Never grow up!

get drunk with the lesbians
be your class reject of choice
outrage parents with a single look
leave your heart in everything you do
be a puzzle to everyone but you

I should not tell you to do all of this
I am the unlikely mom: I don't want you to behave
I just want you to get your way,
I just want you to smile, **** what the world
has to say

They'll try to keep you away, lead you astray
all because they love you to death
and it's true, but it's a peril too
when love keeps you away from you
So love, love, love till your heart cracks
even if they call it awful names and words;
Love, love, love the world is the law.
And your heart won't crack,
because it grows stronger with every move and touch

be a vessel of vitality
be a vessel of your own cause
just mess with it all!

"My happiness is you" - say never these words
mom tells you so
but you have fell down the hole
(and so did she)

To be focused on someone emotionally
for him to be your core
and he's not focused back on you
You swing to his rhythm
You dance his song
even though you want to get rid of
you are ******* stuck

This is the inner tragedy of life
To know that you had
and you won't
To reminisce about love
feel a pang in the heart
that leads nowhere
but to blackness and dark
to be helpless
to be lost

an empty space inside
no one can fill that right
This is the inner tragedy of life
yet we can't stop singing gleefully
to the death of us

I am in a debris state
My feet got tired of running (away)...

I tried to be
but got lost in the jungle of me

And they had lives where I had a coffin
And life is wider than rules and regulations
Life is wider than They thought
And they got drunk and ****** and lived
while I stayed locked up in my fears
While the ghosts chased me non-stop
The only high I know is benzodiacepines'
Am I to be sorry for that?

What if, what if
What about, what about
Words seeping out of my mouth
The fear is so big
But there are big enough to fear

What if I have been bound all the time
which are the ropes and how do they tie
around my arms
Have I been bound forever
am I bound back?

I want you so much
I want it so bad
The more I push
the more it gets far

This is not love
and it won't get you anywhere

A fly interposes in my view
Promises to clear up but all she does is to blur
Self discipline in the face of this rigid chaos
Which is not love!

I gotta keep an eye on myself
Not to **** up again
The pile of failure is so thick
sky length

Chase the Sun - does it work?
Tao in my way - but is it my own?
My terrible tendences
I never fully catch them
What is the secret to this ******* mess?
Can't let them catch me again

I've been talking to random guys
because I go everywhere
and I find men
they hoard my space
Wasted my time
Got really sad, felt lost and blocked
Gotta put my life out in its track

I've been feeling a pressure in my chest
That's something not right there
The phone and its rhythms now
erase me from myself
on the edge of breaking

I've got a lot of toxic energy to release
it's starting to make me weak
it's not me
Replacing you with others
not really
not even to my own eyes
I can't be with you
and I cannot be without you at all
what are we going to do with this knot

"the chore became my passion"
the passion was always there
my passion my death
there's so much to deal with
I don't think I really can tell

Every piece fits in a kind of way
The kaleidoscope is my way of life
And I get dizzy and tipsy sometimes
The spinning ceiling gives me glory and gives me pain
But it's the way I am made

Listen to all the signals
they all do speak
listen to your body
listen to the gaps in between

I got freed when I hit my head
The blood poured; but I lost my chains
I had nothing to lose so I went ahead...
Why do I replay in my brain things over and over again?
The answer is always to flow
Never force - life finds its own road
The road!
And write poems when in doubt on how.

Why was I able to carry on all the way?
Why did I survive and now I fall apart?
Odin's voice within - call him again

Who needs bloated words when one has fountains of life
Who needs fairy tales when magic lies everywhere like that

Bury it deep! All your fattened hopes and all that ****
All your expectation that bar you from catching it
(You never said I love you, and it's not something I need
because you are here everyday with me.
And it's not something I need to hear
because I don't give a **** about the thing. I explain myself:
I am -trying to- focusing on the scene, having fun
for the sake of it)
Who needs chains when one has wings!
Considerate lovers, nothing higher to which we can aspire
This is it; nothing to complain about but the ever bloat
Unbloat your heart!
**** your ego
seek your soul!
**** dependence
**** your comfort
trash out the habits
**** your ties
**** your barriers
**** the pain but be aware appeasing might turn to jail

What went wrong?

Dishing out burgers
You tell me out of nowhere
that I am slow, and oh that hair
Where do you go? Somewhere you don't know
Somewhere you'd never dare
I simply live as artful as I can make

I am fairy dust
this is how I saved myself from going mad
You have no right to go
and condemn my unholy lamb

Where's my answer, where's my savior
I am 26, scraping through the papers
Scratching at the surface of something big

I will not give up to the man
I only do that in bed!
I could say or save so much but I only saved myself
it's a miracle everyday, you see
and I am geared towards the supernatural
geared towards the real thing

Oh ******* hurt me
and I might listen to you in the end
But you will never prevail
And where's my place
where on Earth?
You ain't them, never forget
But being half human never felt so great

You have no right to attack me
Because I am an alien force
I am odd, oh God
but I am strong
And in the end you'll lose
Because we carry the light
and protect it with our lives