Like  a child throwing a tantrum
She's labeled a brat
Like a child that has grabbed hold
and won't let it go
without putting up a fight

First the tears came
now a whimsical anger goes
I am back to myself - 5 years again

I feel smothered when I come home
Smothered by my thoughts
All I want is your arms
All I need is us

I've been talking to random guys
because I go everywhere
and I find men
they hoard my space
Wasted my time
Got really sad, felt lost and blocked
Gotta put my life out in its track

I've been feeling a pressure in my chest
That's something not right there
The phone and its rhythms now
erase me from myself
on the edge of breaking

I've got a lot of toxic energy to release
it's starting to make me weak
it's not me
Replacing you with others
not really
not even to my own eyes
I can't be with you
and I cannot be without you at all
what are we going to do with this knot

Before the war
the sun shone
somedays there are clouds
but that's life

Now we are in the war
I found the metaphor
ugly enough

No use in thinking about the world before
For now is all I've got
But history never hurts
and helps us see
where we are

I am in a debris state
My feet got tired of running (away)...

I tried to be
but got lost in the jungle of me

And they had lives where I had a coffin
And life is wider than rules and regulations
Life is wider than They thought
And they got drunk and ****** and lived
while I stayed locked up in my fears
While the ghosts chased me non-stop
The only high I know is benzodiacepines'
Am I to be sorry for that?

Life is not a ******* poem
Life is greater than everything
Outside the borders, the margins
where it is pushed, it simply is

And here I am, vomiting letters
onto the screen/paper
that keep me alive
It is good, it is nice
but the thing itself it cannot surpass

Yet, it gives a sense of sense
But life's advice is truer, stronger
more throbbing
than anything else
It opens itself in front of your eyes

Poetry is a constant in the air
That you can smell, you can't contain.
Poetry is your inner hell
weaved into golden tinsel threads
My abstract lover, my mental come
But you see, nothing like the real one

Life goes further
always ends up winning the game
And you revel on what she did there
She's rarely misled
And the winters in your days
account for the sunshine rays

The ugly beast, that *****
takes the spoons, makes them knives
to hurt both of us in the heart
That ugly *****, paranoid diagnosed
Makes me look for things which ain't
Pushing things further and further again
A delusional voice in my head
A fear corroding my veins
A pain that never fully leaves.

(The ugly beast, that *****
makes **** out of me
Is she my guardian angel or is she a diverting devil
trying to make my life hell and not be able
to live, to enjoy what I have?
Is she heaven sent? She can be hell-bent!)

The ugly beast
turns gold to ****
All she needs to hear and feel is LOVE
but oh no! Wait that's me
The beast merely drives to the darkest pit.

How much beautiful was it with you
But you're not here, and I still have to move
Oxytocin high - can't let it pass me by
The rainbow after the rain
The rain of my desire

I spend it with myself
with my schizotypal friends
I should be laying on my bed instead...
whispering poems on your ear
It's unnatural, painful in a way
But this rush I have to take

And I substitute all my obsessions
True desire for pornographic sessions
That lack any kind of foundation
The foundation of your pleasure...

It's always you
it's never you

What if I told you about the ward?
About the dark shade all over my past
Would you walk away
fear the ghosts asleep above my head
They won't hurt you...
Dear, I am and I am not
the same girl

Here's my poem to you:
You make me wanna tear my scabs off
all the words they placed on my name
that once set me free, I must confess
and wish for something more
It's who I am: but it's not
I am more than the sum of my parts
and nothing at all

Ex-psychotic girl, that's me.
Never fully recovered,
but beginning to be
I have been everything

I am off the ward
oh, the Sun
is giving me a tan
and your eyes are lighting up
the bridges I burn

It's a shame
It makes no sense!
Will you leave
or will you stay?
We are a ******* dream
let's not make it
a nightmare

I have been everything, everywhere
to land finally here
In your sweet kiss

Our love is plastic
he won't go far
but so far
let's have fun

It goes nowhere
but what am I supposed to do?
I am confused, but today -and now-
(I think) I feel good
He grinds against me and
the lights are dim
and the reggaeton beat
and his lips...biting me

Smells like cheating
Smells like lack of clarity
Smells like danger
Sounds like a party banger

He is like smoke
getting in my lungs
he will be gone
but so far let's have fun

And this is a kind of beauty
ephemeral
but not true
not real
wake me up from this dream
please
I like it, but it feels stolen
not my own

Now you are away
I can write you down
I don't want to ******* now
but it's flattering
you want me so much

I don't see **** clear
And that's when you appear...
Your blue eyes light a match but instead
I start thinking I am in love with her

You make a mess out of my convoluted head
Although really there's no one to blame
I see your ghost all over my heart
Obsessive non-love

I can't let it be, the way it was
The underdeveloped crush
of my psychotic years, underdeveloped me

Maybe you attain when you don't try
And lately I do try way too much
Stress eating me whole, I think so
Maybe you are nothing but a fail
Made of wire and air
Maybe you are nothing to me
but Gitte, as a nightmare
you appear

You won't happen again
Thank God you won't
It knocks; did I open the door
can you really close

You are the cupcake from devil's lair.
Enticing, but carrying a curse within.
I want to bite you but you are no good for my health
You are a habit long acquired but not permanent
My health is decaying you will surely not help
Tired of your ghost howling around my pain

I got delivered from you!
Why can't I stay on that track
Why it always comes back
Why don't you become the soil
for new flowers, richer, taller,
to grow up?
It's a way to live forever - why is it not enough
for you?

My problems can't be an alibi
to break hearts and wreck havoc along
You are the one - who will do me wrong
You won't come back - why I can't stay on that track
Ishtar, where are you now?

There is a promise in the sky
I can feel it with my feet and my hands
It might become broken but I have to try
Even if this turns you on
It's breaking me down
You are my fears, and my hopes
all tied in a knot
You mean it all - but you shot yourself on the chest
I am not Sandra Dee - but I am not giving in

In the passage zone
I found my soul
It was a troubled one, perhaps
But I had to give up
the plan

The hours grew, your kiss was good
but not enough though
The twilight opened my eyes!
I jumped when I was about to die
I saw a light - that I could not avoid

I don't need your crumbs!
I don't need my anxiety on the phone
To be focused on you - never focused back
And you don't need me being bound
Never more
I will die for love, but I will make sure
I am not the only one - although I know well
I would do it again
You taught me a lesson - one I still don't know

"the chore became my passion"
the passion was always there
my passion my death
there's so much to deal with
I don't think I really can tell

Every piece fits in a kind of way
The kaleidoscope is my way of life
And I get dizzy and tipsy sometimes
The spinning ceiling gives me glory and gives me pain
But it's the way I am made

Listen to all the signals
they all do speak
listen to your body
listen to the gaps in between

I got freed when I hit my head
The blood poured; but I lost my chains
I had nothing to lose so I went ahead...
Why do I replay in my brain things over and over again?
The answer is always to flow
Never force - life finds its own road
The road!
And write poems when in doubt on how.

Why was I able to carry on all the way?
Why did I survive and now I fall apart?
Odin's voice within - call him again

You had me, boys
You had this mad girl losing it all for you
(inhibitions, mind, fears too)
But I will end up alone because you are no good

You had my will, my body, my heart
I gave it all for you, you left a mark, but
Would I die for love
instead of bleeding for love?
It's something I wonder a lot
I guess I would, if I knew you were true

Because I showed you my everything
it's the way I work, all or nothing
I showed you the wounds, I showed the joy
But you lost me, boys

It hurts in my late bed
but I am okay, I guess
It doesn't surprise me at all
the world's not worth a thought

The madwoman speaks:
you could have had me, it didn't take much
I think
*******, I say
I am so hurt at you I can't be kind
The ward is taking hold of my soul
it kicks you ******* out

Did I have to seal a pact
Did I have to put a barrier
a filter
to touch the sky

What is true? What is a lie?
I need you by my side
But my mind always drives me mad
I try to find answers
but the compass is broken

I see death, I see hate
poisoning me
I poison myself
so easily

Layers of the brain
different filters to look through
You walked this path with me
Eternally I thank you
But am I strong enough to?

But this morning I was unwell.
Bad feeling in my guts, in myself.
Strange metaphors for strange sensations
Layers of the mind in integration
sometimes
Erasing the bad
It happens - sometimes

I saw her mouth open and close
And I heard nothing but my internal void
I miss you, I miss you, I miss you
I miss myself! Too.

Yesterday it was a nice day - at least there was love, clarity
Today is hell - no love, no clarity

This will tear us apart
but I'm not in the mood for crying anymore
this question could paralyzed us both
It will tear us apart, it's tearing me apart
You ****** - with a tangled knot
You run away from this - but I can not

I love you, I love you, I love you
but there's a chain around my neck
taking away my breath

Remember when I told you to get away Fast As You Can?
You didn't listen, then!
Now we're here, happy and undone
Waiting for the sun to drown

What do you know
the way that we live
The way that we love
the way that we be
The thing that we build
You are away, away from my town

You have a filthy mouth
even though you use soap
The venom seeps out
You poison my thoughts

I know you've gotten better with years
But essence is something you cannot cheat

Why do you criticize
what you don't understand
Why do you throw a shade
to life's most sacred

What do you know of me and him
I think certainly you don't know me
Time to dismiss you, all your poison
Drown in him instead
And never listen to what they say
I have bitten the core
It's not what you all have thought!

It's making me cry
It's making me fight
Feel not alright

So much excitement, so much ado about something
which of course it is not everything

I was thinking of forbidden flowers to grow
Now I'm back at my garden
My exotic garden of my own
My mind, my mind in a fog
today
that accounts for everything I guess

If only I could be in my garden
with you...!
everything meaningless
and so meaningful
at the same time

Give myself a little permission
to go crazy is what I need
Love (that word I fear)
is taking me to the gutter

I am so blocked
Even divided, broke
Not to lose the flame
or is it going weaker every day?
13 again, no, not again

I can't go back there again
I will die instead
And I don't need to be saved
I need to save myself

To accept hell always is there
hidden in a small place
where it burns and gives brightness
to the point it blinds sometimes

At least I think I know where I am.
Is this a good path?
How to just BURN?
It hurts, it hurts, it hurts

There is a pain in my chest

I open myself
to the gift of your touch
We shake, the breeze of God blows on us
We came!
Those minor sweet steaming hours of our ***
Where we would first burn and blaze
****, kiss, devour each other like no tomorrow there
and then lay to rest
in each other's chest
Your body against mine - my favorite place on Earth
The body is aroused as well as the heart
it soars above common ground and aims to the clouds
(in fact it stays there, in your arms)
You are a quick acting drug, never having enough

But truth lies here
Truth slips from your fingers
But you can read the marks it left
in your palms

These sweaty mornings hiding from the rain
Winter and summer were for us all the same
Cookies sweetened with your hands on my body -
but here comes the strain
I keep coming here -mind the wordplay-
but you're floating away
*** that distills into a noisy silence in my brain
The afterwards air - "you don't want me there"
You are distracted, you don't ******* care
Every kiss leaves me hungrier than the first
It's an anxiety I can't put away
I am growing nervous, out of myself
I feel used and abused, but I love you too
My face sinks and my soul drowns
I gave you all, all, all
So nice to explode
It was all I had but you pushed it away
I gave you all my glory and my pain
Yet I know I've known the highest layers of
sky very well
These mornings we could read our names.

I won't ever forget
even if it's mourned and buried
Our love, the things we did
so thick, so big
I shed tears while writing this
But I know well
I will be kissing him.
I know well
I've spent too much time alone
and too much noise still
in my petite head when it comes to this
But it was so intense
it blew me away
so I had to take the pen
and write an elegy
a celebration
of the fire we were
are we?

What do I do with it babe?
With the contradictions
My impulses spinning in all directions
Confusing truth with obsessions

What do I do with what I felt?
I confused it all once again
Looking at girls is okay,
but I can't without the guys

This is a map Pan hands me
I have to read it with glee
his words are unspoken
but he screams!

this is what I ******* need
to be alive
but the voice in the back
keeps me restrained and shut up

Am I going back
away from this ivory town
Where I could not touch the sky
Whose hand, will I?

And where do you all ghost lovers go?
Where do I go when I'm not home?

He approached me on my way to the Kerry's
And I was scared, because I thought my world
was going to shatter
No more waiting, because
he said:
"Thank you, thank you for what you've said to me
it's good advice
but most of all thanks
for making that big guy over there
smile every day so wide.
He needs a lot, and you are that lot"
It was a poem itself
It doesn't need my 2 cents
I was blown away
You've never said I love you,
now, who cares
He's right: your smile speaks
your body screams

My life
they'll never understand
My life
they'll never approve
be through what I am through

My *** covered stars,
my riot inside

All I've been
all I was
All I'll be - do we know?

The wall is there, to hurt and to heal
To isolate me and make me live
My crazy overflowing mind
To my hell, to my heaven I will bind
My tiny hurricanes
My knocking dreams, my nightmares
My ****** thoughts, but love
The budding *****
My ****** hair
All my ecstasy all my pain
All the things they will never get
Do you, my man?

I wish I could write.
But nothing's going right
I have to touch the sky
I have to arrange myself again

Sometimes insights cross my mind
They are so thick and deep
I can't digest them sometimes
It hurts to be back at square one
At 13, when my world stopped
And I got off it. Got off from me.

It's scary to walk down
the alleys of borrowed thoughts
(that's what it was)
Yet something mine was there,
all the ******* time
It's scary, I feel shocked
But now, I know
I can't speak the whole...
because I am overcome

And I heard her speech
but she didn't really help me.
I need my angels and my demons
to work but never be summoned
We live well this way

Do I connect things which
really have nothing to do with
Jumbling, collecting, scrambling
my thoughts today, in a cloud of restlessness
Unenlightened mist...and a bit of fear

And here's the irony - I did it again
Life, laugh at me
I do not care as long
as I get your cheap thrills.

In the back corridors of your mind
things hoard and thrive
can you take care
of this garden of phobias and desires.

Things look so clear in this distorted glass
But nothing ever really does

In the back corridors of your mind
your true self you find
It's made of pieces, of truths and lies

Be careful in the back corridors of your mind
they are light but they can get dark
they hold the key to your life
Be careful to interpret their signs
But it's easy really, as listening to someone talk

The more I hear you
is the less I can't believe
how things turn out to be
I can't believe he cried when he saw me the first time
and now he shrugs me off like that
How he spins, he kills me slowly like this
The clash the confusing clash
between caress and stab

"We grow up", said my friend
But I don't really think it accounts
for this amount
of pain

I have been stripped from grace
But at least truth is clear, showed its face
You wrong, stupid, sick, insensitive man
Stuck in your own ****** mind
Where numbers are over people
Where my man is a killer
Where people have no fear and that's a bad thing
Where you must be normal else you're a ******* freak

I might forgive you
but expect no Christmas cards from me
the day I am free
You are so full of ****
You hate tears, you hate me
I hate you back. We know. Let's not conceal.
You hate the perceived weak. You know nothing about life.
You have never been the bright, ugly places i've been. But "Never is a promise".

I can forgive you.
Can you forgive me for my sin:
being me?
Trying to live?
Being sick?
Life is exactly what you don't think it is
You forced yourself so much, but you don't have to.
My arms are open. Are yours?

I ditched the pit for a handful of dreams
Did I do it too quick?
Not what I think, not what I think

Free me from normalcy and family lunches
Free me from taming the wild inside me
Free me from jail, from the drawback to happiness
Free me from dying with a smile in my face

Maybe I must ditch again
The game is never fully won
But I can do - I did once

Weird times for me
Are they going to be over?
Never ever could have I thought of this
A sudden burgeon of me

Weird times of creativity
Am I going back to what I've been?
I don't feel what I did, sometimes I feel
it's the end of this

No no, I'll never be my former self
The best part of all this is that
I'll never go back

I saw the world
I understood the whole
My body raised high, higher
than my soul

In your arms, heaven on earth
Such a cliché
Such a true thing to be said

I felt an inmediate happiness
Life, violently hitting me
Go on hitting, life! I want more of this!
I felt fused, i felt so much love
I will never be able to put into words

My body shook - my body roared
Got washed with fire
Unexpected rain over me
I should be careful
I want more of this

*You took me that high babe
can you do it again?

Growing up, growing out
is so hard
because you have to break down
the *** where you grew up
the *** you were placed on
A bonsai that might end up on the psychiatric ward
feeble, lost, not knowing her true call:
A big tree that they try to contain,
not aware of the harm
But life always wins, if you just let it come
(I am beautified, the sea flowers on my crotch)

What feeds me is death to your eyes
But my diet makes me gleam and shine
Can I put up? Can you take that?
Can we coexist? Do you see my branches
big, healthy, beaming with the Sun's fire?
My private glow, you can only see the rays
but it's enough for me, I want nothing else.

I love you
It's all calm inside
But there's a dormant beast
In my guts
Is it yours? Is it mine, love?

Love and aggression
Loving you with a shade of rage
Loving you and telling you to ******* next
I try to put it to sleep
But it rages, it weeps
That sullen loving
Snapping at...anything?
The pain that I have loved you and maybe you don't
My anger is only proportional to my love
That "borderline" hue, in my soul
If I am not appealing you can send me off!
*******, you coward! My only heart
My sweet home

It feels weird to say so
but I have to let you go.
Stop those frenzied hands
sweetly polluted by the memories
of yours all over my body...
Let them belong to someone else...
let them become other, let them grow further

The doors have been opened wide
They open when they wish, not at my whim!
A new world for me to taste
I've been delivered tonight
from your heavy spell
which meant nothing in the end!
It's just the meaning I want it to take

You were the fuel for my poems
but a fundamental change comes
Life is wider than a notebook.
Away, away from you. Always there too.
Nothing more than the soil for the new
I have to carry on. Can't be holding on to you,
breaking me down, making me grow fond
of your unattainable love!
and your promises, and your problems
which I do feel deep inside
but being troubled never stopped me
from trying to fly high
From eventually getting it
and joyously clap my hands

I feel lightheaded - but yesterday, I was
******* excited
I have to forget you, I saw it clear like water
Can't cling to your dream
a dream that is never fully fulfilled.
And his hand is below my skirt
and it gives me the chills
And his kiss, oh his kiss
Tonight I could die for this

I can't give up the habit!
You are deep ingrained in my circuits
But it's a thought for today
We can't spend eternity
begging for our love
I can't spend my whole life
waiting for you to come right
I just want to fly...but you are grounded
And I don't want to rot away
Flying - I just need to
And I have to, I tell you
Maybe you were just a part
of my chaotic life
Important, but not the core one

I was 23
Too old to fall in love like a teen
But I had to begin right from the point
I left it
And now I find we are
in a place I know from back in time

This romantic friendship is nothing new to me
And it's not gonna hurt, unlike anything

Ache makes me write
And this romantic friendship
Is everything and nothing
at the same time
(that's the crux of life)

This romantic friendship
this unhealthy dynamic
This getting high on you
minus the body
It's not poetry
what I am craving
but it's poetry what I am getting

I've been here before
and it was 5 seconds before sunrise
so I better wait, right?

You ****** me up
But so will he!
And if I have to choose one way to die
Maybe I'd choose your existential problems
Maybe I'd choose your overdone libido
Maybe I'd choose your sweet gun

This romantic friendship
is what fills me when there's no him
even if no bed
We are turned to a kind of sunshine
cut below the waist

I am not behaving wisely
but neither do you!!
******* everything up
when things were right for once

There is a pattern in the sky
I can touch it and it hurts
There is a pattern in my mind
I see shadows, I never stopped being mad
I only got stronger, but my calling never stopped
I see stuff - only all the time
Am I mad, or am I just high
-eyes wide open-

I don't love you, I swear
but hands tied, this is my best
I am gagged - and probably used again

He's not gonna call
because you are such a bore
you have to pick your bones from the floor
Your cheap thrill? Won't hit you anymore
Because I could see the ephemeral flowers dying
his Words as smothering and hurting
as men's are...

He's not gonna get back, he'll break your heart.
Or maybe it'll be bleached the other way around.
but you will! give it time
"Give me time, baby, so I can fix my life"
And you'll rush into his arms,
***** thoughts at the subway hoarding your mind!
How he makes you breathless, makes you moan
How he understands it all
Now you are far from him,
you could say "I love the man".

Because, who can make me feel the way he did?
I'm seeking a new thrill but I'm on the queue to it.
It hurts that he's gonna leave. No matter if just three days of this.
It hurts a lot. Men should have *****.
Cheap thrill! I love you!
It's the only thing I never stop doing.

Cheap thrill on a dark movement
on a drunk spree
Cheap thrill, now I see
maybe I must get back
with him, with him, with him.

**** all the men in the world.
Leave me ******* alone.
You don't want our ruin
Turns me to bleach
and I get burnt
Let me float in space
And never think of love, oh love...

Explanations are poor
they lead nowhere good
just follow the trail of water
open your eyes to its power

The solution is halfway
till you can make it
The solution you won't be told
but it will appear on its own

"Rage, rage against the dying of the light!"
The twilight, preceeds the bright

And I am feeling lonely
but the Sun
tells me I have to wait
for us to glow
again

The fear holds me tight.
Are you doing things behind my back?
I love you so.
This is all you need to know.

This waiting is so long
Fills my mind with odd thoughts.
Do you care about this
as much as I do?

The Sun shines outside,
and I've been here some other times.
I won't fail twice.
The Sun is a promise
do you say yes?

Come with me in my red Mary Jane shoes.
We'll get lost in love as we always do.

I'm tongue tied and hand tied
I was warned this morning
"You went too quick, too far"
A rainfall on me that doesn't wash up

Can you hold me now I'm down?
I'm bitter, bitter to the core
Can I hold on to you?

The last time I was in hell
it was a long time ago
I just can't put up with it anymore
I have to rip this out from my soul
I have to recover my own
Tear it off from me
whatever it is

I just want to be with you
will I ever allow myself that

I'm happily unhappy
I cannot take the smile from my face
although my soul is corroding
I am falling down

I have a pain in my chest
I do not know what it is
I know you make me feel alive
and therefore the wound hurts

Last time I was in hell
I remember well
I cannot go back in my steps
How easy writing poems
How hard to live through them

I've lost my internal compass
did you take away, have you seen it 'round?
I want to talk, but I just blurt
I want to sing, but I just squawk
I feel unwell, too much **** to (un)say
The rabbit hole! Show me all!
My metal legs - they will stay
Why do I need to calm myself?
I get lost - a meta knot of thought
A jungle, made of concrete
A place, with no dreams.
A swinging smothering tide
A feeling you will lose this time.

After meeting the devil
I felt not good at all
Cancer of the soul
Chemo to cure

And I am dead
and alive at the same time
But something's rotting in me
even if I don't realize
(I do, in disguise)

Burying head deep in pills
and running away from bliss
Running away from me
Trying to gasp for air
But the air was far away

I am about to break free
I cast the demons away from me
But first, I gotta dwell here...

I felt confused, I was abused
Dead photo - of my dark glowing gloomy days.

The cards said, "be strong"
Hold on to your heart, the old broken mended one
You'll be a bit upside down, Queen of Cups
Some things could be ****** up
but your dexterous hand will defeat them all
All the demons, little nuisances out there
Nothing love, true love can't save

She bewitched terror and distilled it into power
We didn't choose the outcome; but the outcome was the answer

It will be a tough time, but you can.
Is it true, is it any good?
The reading hovers - as a promise I'll get through

Tell me what went wrong last night
All my pain resurfaces and I can't hide
A billow of trouble surging from my insides

It began slowly, last day
With the feeling again
you would not pay attention to what I said

It got bigger, later on
when I met my dear but troubling friends
it all went slowly more wrong

It got more and more swollen, everytime
Their lives are so much better than mine
They don't know the joy, they don't know the fight
I watch the place I inhabit and I swear
it's ******* bleak! Everything uncertain,
everything unclear
Their eyes wound me, seeing myself through these
I can't tell you about the things I've outlived
the things I've seen, and yet to see!
because:
This is my life
a journey, a struggle
ecstasy,
vital fluid
pills and thrills,
mad smiles
do you wanna ride?

And I hear a command:
To myself I have to stay true
Assert myself despite you
I am worthy, I am good!

Came home crying, feeling so torn
everything in me felt dead and gone
I saw the Sun hide last night
But next morning, it was right back.

I am getting ready for the loss
with my earphones
Diving on sound
to protect my heart
Sad songs abound
So I don't fall, I don't fall
I don't drop too high
So I cry inside
For what we lost
No pain because I've got song

The beat carries me
to a gloomy paradise
where I don't hide
where things are broken
and mended somehow.

It hurts less
but it hurts the same
To lose your soul
yet
be able to write out of it
Reconciling pain
I wish this wasn't the case

And I fall down the comfortable spiral
Protection against the tidal
I might be wrong but ah! Gotta be careful
with my heart
and my mind
Not to make it the canvas
of my life

Why do I need to reality check
My dad put it clear: I never think with my head
Laid in my bed think about the words we said
Scraping for answers to appease the void within
This void that I dig...

I tried to cope maybe that's it
But coping with me - it can be the hardest thing!
It wasn't a problem but slowly it grew
I miss you baby but I don't really know what to do
I break slowly without you

Can we swim the waves that life creates, hand in hand
If I cannot do it with you, then I give up
Desperate Winehouse lady wandering the town
I wonder can we do it - course we can
Maybe I am hungry for you
But I'm disordered too

I start concocting strange kinds of tales
You can't feel them you can't grab them but they do leave a trace
To feel you pull away it feels like hell
A million questions dropped by the bully in my head
I still haven't solved the mist on myself
I love you so dearly but every now and then
I get love sick again...
(I just don't want to change)

I'm trapped, I'm bound, by you, love!
The devil, the dark - clothed in light
Unexpected, slow like honey
It crept inside me the feeling
The waters, raging
through my lips, speaking
unadvertedly
I didn't call them, but they were there
They were dormant - but oh hell!

How you pulled me, afterwards
The love, the heaven of us
To places I don't want to be
The devil came and seized me
brought me to my knees
The devil - these waves...swept, washed my feet

I must learn to see past all this
I love you, but not the way you did
Love is a great word people abuse
The grain of sand in which we built
everything
turning to
nothing
now

But that wild roar
I won't put away easily

I need my trip down the rabbit hole
I need to know
But what I really need -
A black fly interposed in my thoughts

This clarity
without a meaning
This empty vision

A world of ******
but no ***
Just a hole - clogged

Just a vessel - drained
Just desire - with pain
What did I do to deserve?
God - take me away from here
I deserve my slice of "It"

Caught like I will always be
This tension to exist - this is to live
The wound carries the solution
The solution is there for you to **** on
it is the whole world and just a spot
Your questions are answers of its own
The wound is a chance to heal
Give it time, give it time, it will.

This is the ultimate empowerment
To feel connected to the SOURCE

Hard to find words lately
Hard to do my thing.
But so easy getting in
the ivory tower of obsession
And dying there, too too deep
The ivory tower can ****

Everything contained and uptight inside
Nothing blooms, nothing thrives
"At last it doesn't die" I merely survive
but I'm enjoying the ride though
Your blue eyes seem to fill the emptiness
But they really do not take away this mess
This inarticulated stress!

You are starting to disgregate
what you really want from your self
Be aware! Organize your guts
Give up control for all
Be the Chariot and the Fool

There is a well
I cannot see its depth
I can only guess
There is a well from which everything
I do drinks
There is a place where all gets fed

I am stuck here again
I have to swim the tide if I want to get back there
to my home
on the shore

Feels like I'm at loss with words
I can barely weave my heart
or take any control
although I do try to get back home
I call home your arms

Everything has a hidden bitter sip
Nothing is what it seems inside of me

Things are so rotten but still they shine a light
Things are a chaos I try to sum up when I write

There is a well
but I have nothing else
so I better get to it
Nothing makes sense

I spot evil patterns, since we left
they give me info, an insight not to fail
but to know the pit, you have to fall into it

Evil patterns - how not to love
or how not to brand imitations with that word
I can see patterns that are nothing but blocks

Evil patterns grabbing me and I let them take over
I can't foresee them, they are well recorded
in my inner workings

Evil pattern the need, the obsession, the lack of flowing
the staying apart, not joining hands,
with life's drums
the bind, the breaking down
Evil pattern to confuse terms all the time, to lose that spark
******* them? They went away
I will learn their names
No love, no love, that sickening word
that sacred reality that becomes a *****
I'll let nature do the talk

Evil patterns stemming from internal evil shapes
Because it's known does not mean it's okay.

And she said,
"I don't want love anymore,
I'm tired of men"
And I could feel all those words, girl...

And I said
"Let's spend some time
in an empty land
become women going our own path"

Who needs love and all the pain
such thing it entails?
Let's go to sleep
have hot dreams
that need not to be fulfilled
Let's curl up and be
Let's escape, let's ******* live
Let's spend time for us to heal

This is a plant that needs almost no water
but it needs it in fact
How to keep up? Solve this out