Once upon a time
My ***** throbbed real hard
I was caught in desires
The hidden side of me, now

And I forgot who I am
because of life's binds and bounds
And now you ask me about
that part of life that remained outside
and always inside
You ask me about that side
that never died
only slept too Deep

My past - I never got to accept
It was family, dad saying - why you support them?
It was hurtful, life stripped me bare
But I had no recollection of hurt
It was simply there

Once upon a time
my life shone with potential
I had life running through my veins
like blood rushing to the brain

My secret of girls
my secret of love
my secret of truth
my secret of my fate
hidden somewhere

Once upon a time
I was not hurt
and that's why my *****
throbbed oh so hard.

What do you think there is further?
What kind of milk and honey lies there -
what paradise do I expect?
Can't you see things for real?
You're running away
Again

Icelandic men with lips full open
Surprises that I can sense but not know
No duties for a wandering soul!
Nights of riot and pleasure, days with the Sun
the feeling that I'm on the right road
to a destination of my own

I have no idea where those things are
but it is like an imperative right now
I've got to carry on

You'll go to the trash can!
Because you can't keep up

You'll be trashed, garbage one
You'll be disposed
I don't buy your words
I know men so good after all

So there we go
our broken hearts
we are defective ones
that don't deserve a chance!

***** hair - but I am not there
Crying in the kitchen - I need help
Alternate universe - dissociate
what's this - it tears at me,
can't be tamed, it won't fade

A shy razor on my arm
I can't do this; because it hurts
but I need the world to blow up
because into this catatonia
I could burst

I cannot feel my body - or my soul
it's all gone - I drown, in my thoughts,
I have no kind of control
I can't listen, I can't talk. The pain is everywhere.
I froze. I move nervously, restless, but I won't rest
because now, it's all the same
because I can't stop
oh God what's wrong?!
I can't take it anymore!
let me catch my breath, I sigh,
I will make it alright,
by ******* the venom in the wound
I still can't stop! I can't take it anymore!
I fell, once again!

Let me catch my breath, and I did.
A gate opens, lets go all of this.
And your honey kiss is placed
where I left it before the storm
raged in me, this devil switch,
this unexplainable thing

I am getting ready so the storm
never breaks what I love most

Girl 18 diagnosis unknown
possible BPD but we don't know
This year I broke down
Starting roaming around stations and places
Looking for a place to heal my bruises
What bruises? I can't tell anymore
So numb, so sore
A year that meant too much
you can see the toll in the lines in my arms
you can see my eyes are sick without love
I am building a story; it wasn't me who wove it
I swallowed everything - like a sailor lost in the dark sea
that will do anything to be saved
he promises anything because he saw death
I am so lost, I don't know who to trust anymore.
Waking up every day in a haze
Sweet haze of pain!
She's Ophelia, on the make
Although she doesn't know the name
And shattered and displaced
inside
Looking so good so disturbed
Listening to Top40 songs
meaning her whole heart...
did nothing at all, yet I'm tired of everything
I know nothing, but I know all about hurt
The devil is creeping into my head
He interferes with my sleep. He kills my dreams.
I am learning to be a good girl. Even if it tears me apart.

late nights at your job
******* ****
on my polka dot dress
(we both loved it so)
taking photographs of graffiti
on these proletarian walls
our first pizza and some of our first kisses
you look so **** on camera
and even sexier now dear
I wish I could ******* here
your shy hand on mine
a rising sun, a rising sun
all of this takes me somewhere
and I know this was the right way

Shuffling men like one shuffles fate
Really has no type of sense
but a lot of meaning there

She's just a little lost cheater
She gets high on the thrill of the hunt
She's clueless but she conceals it good
as well as she can do

This is an ugly move
This is something not cool
This red thread around my neck
Giving me hope and anxiety and chills
Strangling me with a kiss

I am cheating on you.
Can you say you haven't been there too?
Our million emotional affairs
That dragged down what we felt
This pain...this love so close to death

Truth shines but truth is schizophrenic and elusive like me
I just see omens coming clean, my helplessness cleaning up the mess

And I want none of them.
I could love them - I could learn
But I'd be still who I am
I'd still be myself
With all my stars and all of my hell.
So I would rather learn
the routes of my maps and pathways

I've got an itch all over me
I've got an itch in my dreams
Making me scream
Making me feel
I use other's hands to scratch away
but there's a point that makes it halfway
but there's a part that's gone astray
Yet the itching's burning, I need some release
I need someone's kiss...
Lips come together bodies rub
Oh yeah! but...
My life's circuits have been turned off
My skin has been peeled away
And this strange itch is what remains.

I feel like I was 13 again
Betting to one card all of my fate
Because there's no other chance
Going to therapists...but with a change:
Now I fight with all it takes.
I've been - radically expressed

I feel like in a different space and time
But this time, it is a different hue, a new shine

I will fight because
I've already been through too much.
I will get down and *****
when it comes to living

Poetry, I feel you, everywhere.
But I am lazy, lately, to write.
I would never force the love we have.
Just wait for me, like no one else will do.
You are patient. You always help.

He showed me that body and mind go hand in hand
That all the tales mom told us and the church and what not
are a lie in fact
He showed me the bleach, other's lips,
that mind governs the body and not the other way around
he showed me sweet times laid in his bed
he showed me LOVE
even if he doesn't know

He keeps writing every day
Does it mean he cares?
He fills my heart
with his words
I became his immobile marble muse
His untouchable desire
That makes you long more because you cannot touch
We became shadows, corpses of what we wanted to be
Wait for me! There I go!
Wait for me! I'm almost there!
You will see my shiny new gun!
Just give me time!

He opened my eyes
making me see the sewers of my own heart
He did nothing, I did it all
Artiom's spell made me see my faults
And I see, my own deep ****
My loose ends, my yearning to feel!
He did nothing, I did it all
Artiom's appearance - like a mirror to my soul
It's just a bell ringing - from the meaning of the world
It's just a reminder - be careful, watchful with the road
It's Artiom's presence
not himself, just a token from above
And I rise from the floor
And I can feel it flow
But I know this is not what I'm made for
It's just the message
sent tonight by the gods
Artiom - just six letters sounding good
Nothing more!

Life had began to flow, and you got used to
But here's the basal, hidden you, the source of your demons
Here's the knot, here's the doubt
Remember you were born in hell - but you left the place
And now home is your man's arms,
all the sweetness inside.
Home is where the heart is, even if it hurts.

I don't want to live my life
on silence
on this dead peace
I want the noise, I need the beat
to make me lose it
with joyful tears
I need the thrill of the ride
I need the riot inside
I need the quiet independence

In art I found
my pain had a place in the world
and that way, it dissappeared,
it got blown
it got healed, even if slow

Art is not life
And life is not art
but hear me out

every true heart beat
and every fake one too
it's art you leave there
is it any good?

Is this insecurity?
I tell this friend of mine
We are unfolding the papers
the tight papers of my mind

(I am afraid of the paper now
it brought me once so much pain.
Was I in pain before
or was it brought by the page?)

Is this insecurity
seeking you with a muddy mind
tangling everything I find
taking the happiness from my bite
Misreading cues
and making it all look foul

What is this
No good
There's nothing I can do
But wait and see
It will show
if I was right
or sadly wrong

But it does lie in me
I gotta pull it out
Learn to live with it
"It had never bothered me
till now"

I went with the insecurity
and the fear hand in hand
until I crashed
everything was upside down
I just ****** up

Only if you are mine
the way I am
because I fell too deep
this I do feel
but this is love gone wrong
this is blackness, this is not me
but a shard
of the broken parts

Watch the city breathe heavily,
she's excited, yearns to live
I can feel it in the faces of those
around me, and also
in this intense craving I've got
the Christmas chiaroscuro,
these lights beaming in the dark
because today everything is warm
There is a beauty about today
Channeled through my guts

I am about to burst
in gleam and shine
and a certain burning desire
And everyone is under the same sign
or is it me, letting out my inner stars?

Feel your lips on my neck,
a tiny taste of our hidden heaven
**** on your Oreo milkshake
good metaphor for the day

And you do help to feel the beam
but the beam is growing everywhere!
inside of myself

Watch me going to sleep
in the embrace of your kiss
in the embrace of the eternal
Christmas glee, our will to be
despite the tragedy we're in

Virgins, *****.
Same broken hearts.
Swimming in oceans of doubt.
Life has a toll.
Live it full, including the wounds,
the rush of blood

We are living off our parents.
These ******* up there are to blame
Uncertainty all over the place.
Perpetual children - but below the waist
Lies the real crux of it
We crave the sea
We have the waves, the flames

Our life is shiny like a new razor
Who is going to stop us?
We'll seize the sky
We'll **** a lot, let him take my heart
Drunk demi adolescents in a night bus
We carry risk in each step we take
But we have no time for death

You can't spare us from the danger
Because life is a gamble.
And we have to stitch our souls
We are eternal, and we are now.
There are strings of fate uniting us all.

Made of plush, steel, waste and skin.
Bleeding profusely.
Made of pills, wonder and people like me.

[I am not afraid anymore.
Well, I am, a lot, but...]

Tonight I say goodbye
Tonight - I die
I celebrate being sky high
Being the schizotypal queen
Having it all in my deranged way to be

Tonight I am not going back
to hell
but tomorrow
I'll be dead
Listen to the symbols
surrounding your head
Tomorrow will be a different day
I won't go down by myself but I'll go down with my friends
Drown me, quench me in hell!
And just lemme stay.

Why you have to act like that
Oh it hurts much!
You don't see what I see through my eyes
Because you are blind to us
You paint it black, you bring me down

You feed my fears - you make me sick
Mom don't lend me your eyes today
I need my own mind
to save myself

(And there's the tingling in my legs
which is my most sacred secret)

It's always the same reaction on
But we are in love, like it or not
There are more things than what you can conceive
I am bigger than this, your mind is caged up

Let me be abused this time
Let me be his ****
Let me keep on riding
I am looking at the sun
And the moon, and oh, the stars

Laugh, laugh, laugh.
The only point of this tragedy
is to be laughing at it

One day you are up
next day you're down
no point in crying about it
just laugh on!
with wonder
with acceptance
because this life
is an endless, sometimes sick
joke

laugh
till tears come out of your eyes
till you overwrite
your pain with a smile
and the sad grin is there
but that's another reason to laugh!
the irony of being alive

laugh
because about tomorrow
no one knows much
I might be high
I might be not

You visit me like an omen from the past
If you knew me now, maybe it could last
I can feel my body tense and tight
like that old night, like that old good night

How you broke my heart - you are the point
where it all starts
Now that I am slave to a fickle rhythm
Thomas, if I catch you now, ai se eu te pego, man
Let me show you what I learnt so far!

I am not the same girl - scared and so in love
Now I am free and I roam till I get lost
I felt the force, this time it could work
I felt my breath as shook as it was back then.
If I could step in time and catch back my strength!
A dream to keep breathing, a dream to go on.

I starved
hard trying to be someone you are not
but sometimes you just can't stop

The year I disfigured myself
to not forget I was in a deaf kind of pain
misunderstood everywhere
a sickly work of art I became
didn't die but of course I did implode

I starved for months
watching myself be destroyed
**** for the soul, going way too far
and yet I could see a dim light...

Getting thinner and thinner
and knowing it's mad but
no one seems to be hearing
I guess
Just one of my weird antics
of the way I once used to be

My heart is on fire - that I do love
but when my *****'s on fire, I love it more
This is what I craved to be - your ****
This is my wish - what I need, a long repressed
"set me free" all over me

This is me - short skirt,
and begging for (your) ****
My fantasies breed - you're the man I pick
I am not sorry about my moans
and all of my wet thoughts
I am not sorry about none, I am not sorry
for love

Did writing save or **** Virginia Woolf?
Me and my classmate are discussing today.
Oh, a bit of both.
I don't talk out of some theory - I talk because I know.

Because we come to be something
when we write
and we reformulate, magic of the mind
"Writing is contrary to life"
yet writing in every place lies
Writing is salvation
but do it the right way, find the path

Writing does you in
while floating in the flood you keep

No I don't want to be hidden in my room anymore
Well, I do, but I don't want to hide from my thoughts
I want to be who I am who I get to be
Slaying demons - a schizotypal queen

I don't want to feel inertia drowning my bones
That deadly peace I had going on
I want to feel it deep feel it true be who I used to
But what if you leave? Too attached to you
It seems natural, and good
but we are torn in two
But oh, I was in love with you
But oh, what to do?
Am I too?

This standby - what the **** is it about?
I will use it for good
I will wait for you
I won't lose
this time
I will win
as a schizotypal queen

I need to be
the schizotypal queen
owning my many triumphs
not giving in
I have never been as me
as I have been with you
I am who I am, didn't have to try
Now you draw a line, you say it's for good

Can we take it back
can we, can we, can we
I am the schizotypal queen
and was even more so when you were with me
I am the schizotypal queen
And I can make it happen again,
I guess.

I am hooked on you
merely hooked
not in love
and not desiring anymore

I have to learn to handle
so you don't destroy me
and I don't destroy you either
I've already been here

The mind is such a liar
the heart it entangles much
this emptiness
sure doesn't help

You came in a given matrix
but you can't turn to be the matrix itself
(You never were, and thus is how big things are made)
The matrix is bigger than you
and much bigger than me

This stylization is not stylish at all
This standby of the soul
this going deeper to the seams
which burst and scream
but I can feel

Give me more questions
give me more ecstasy
give me this holy break
give me the sacred visions

We are there
We kiss, we touch, we ****
there's nothing going on with us
this love keeps us going
but it's not enough
but we are motion frozen
frozen in sweet words
there's something
going in our backs
that we know of
even if we don't speak about it
But we'll rub till it bleeds.

Bitter symphony of love gone wrong
of dreams held so long
that started to wither and we acted like
we didn't know

I have been feeling it for months,
all my anxiety and all my deep, unconfessable songs.
My vices of the heart.
That prop me always up.

Something's rotting with us
with you
with me
What are we going to do to save this?

No more chasing each other through telegram
No more quick meetings like we were each other's drug
No more hickeys to hide from Dad
Now it's all painful in a way
it's all dead in a way
maybe it's me dying
with the relationship instead

I was there for a few months.
I saw a light coming on.
But now I don't see us, no.

What are we going to do with this?
This avalanche of feelings and thoughts
it will surely leave a mark
oh no!

And I'd lie
if I said I'm not afraid
Everything spins, crazy clocks
How will I jump? I will tell
All arrows pointing at my head
I risk nothing thinking of the gutter
"Anyway that's how everything ends"
The gutter never let me down
It only stopped my growth
And I am thrilled, and I am terrified
of what's coming to my side
You are on my mind
I just need things to unfold fast
Or just right...
I am at a crossroads, again
Can you take my hand?

(Afraid because I can feel death
Blowing on my neck
The end, the end
Maybe it's a mistake
And I'm saved)

Words can't contain a world
Ironic fact that I wrote
Words are nothing but a road
leading to the higher

Words are not the thing itself
The thing itself needs nothing else

The cancer is not fully extirpated
It died inside my body instead
I watch it like a dead corpse
but indeed, once a time it was

I still breathe it...I can feel it
it is gone but forever kept
Not with nostalgia or regret
Just like one watches something dead

Fill your nothingness inside
with a lot of hearts, a lot of lives
lose your mind
run naked in an open street
before death

Let your hair down
even if you are bald
Live your life to the fullest
even when you're gonna die
Make a journal with experiences
under the sun
under the dark

Wait for your shiny new gun to come
I hope it arrives on time
and it still works fine
My shiny new gun
I will **** them all, too

I am a late bloomer
So try to understand me
Don't condescend: I am fully grown
but there's a reason for my being slow

I drowned my head below the water
And I lost touch with the surface
Getting away from reality? Nah, I was having nightmares
I was clinging to my own ruins, my own distorted answers
I slept for years, I closed the window of my dreams
Said, "I'll obey, I will stop being"
Said nothing, I could not speak

And I find myself at 26
living so quick
-but life has no notion of this,
life simply is-
don't blame me,
I used to be in a coma
deep anguishing godful nights
I did wrong trying to do right

I am a late bloomer
but I was too big to bloom in the spring
Was I a too majestic flower to be
(I don't think so, unless majestic
equals weird)
Was I simply crumbling from stiff
Was I simply a woman, with the mind of a kid?

I am a late bloomer
but who gives a ****
not me, I am too busy
doing all I did not
doing all I never thought

There's no God when there's no fear
Yet his true face does appear
You can be sure; if you **** fear
you won't **** a real God
(s)he is everywhere
(s)he is love

Know the enemy
it's you, it's them
It's a fakeness
You can't shake
It's a lack of space
It's being okay
while chronically tired
Tense

He is you
You are him
All of you - concocted here
At least your eyes are pretty

Let's erase all the pseudopoetry
let's stay within reality
(which is true poetry)

Know the enemy
How to defy him?
SO MUCH PAIN!!
Can pills or tea take it away -

The devil was you,
I used to think to myself it was true
but it was growing in me too
It took on my soul
And no matter how much I rioted
or acted up
I was hostage
of a sick world
In fact, I acted up because I knew I would lose
but I wouldn't have lost maybe
except for you
You aren't poisonous but you and I
like toxic waste react
And letting you take over me
is to lose again a created war

I don't understand the union between
mind and body
spirit and matter
but i became closer to it
the time you did that to me
I don't understand the heart
it is a strange machine to put to work
but the most natural of them all

I want all of you with me
but there's a wound in me
I need to get healed
and it was your fingertips
the meds
not his

my cheap thrill
got asleep in his arms
while reminiscing about you
he's not scary now
you never were
it was me
now i'm between two waters
and you call me like the sea
two ways to roar
two ways to live
but the same scheme
over and over again
But in the end
it's you

Unbound, free
Wandering the world - no restraints for me
in form of anxiety, fear, coerciOn or desperation
Totally freedom of action
and desire
I desire what I like, so I do what I like
I wander in stranger's beds at night...
I live in chaos, but the chaos loves me back
No explanations to give, no *****

Unbound, free
Like a butterfly in spring
In darker shades tHan she
But still roaring, wild and mean!
No pressures outside or inside me,
the compass is crazy but it is well fixed
Rather tan my own feasts and fears
And the clock ticks away and I don't care
And the night speaks on my ears pagan poetry
for me to put down in writing

Bold! Gone! Lustful! ****! Undone!
And it will end I know
This sweet vacation from the toil of the soul
where it doesn't belong

So many things happen in a week
when you're not at all asleep
You've broke my heart! So I ditch
Unbound, less of a girl I be
a woman just tasting life's flavors sweet.
Bold! Gone! Lustful! ****! Undone!

We bought a dream
at the candy store
-custom made-
It had our names
a promise of what could be...
We wanted to believe. We did.

we wanted to belong
we wanted it to work
we are so pathetic
we need to ******* stop

Candy coated is our kiss
but what lies underneath...
it's nothingness, it's the steamy core
to the bliss what you miss!
(I miss it too, indeed)
It's not surprising you did
what you did
our kiss lacks fundamental things
You rush to other chicks
I rush to him

But what do we do, what do I do?
With all this sweetness towards you
it doesn't turn me on, but I do love
your pretty face...the way you walk

If my mind was sane, and so were my heart
You would be the one, you would be the one
But we're all mad here - you know, right?

I don't want you the way I should
and you neither do
so what we are here for?
virginal marriage,
satisfying our parents dreams?
that's what is wrong with this!
Our dream is empty
like rotting candy
Substanceless like careless romance
Tasteless like bland songs
Blood injected with desires
of a life looking good, but no juice!

But it always was
it has to die quick
it has to be ripped off.
What are you here for?

I am so spineless
You really cannot take my word
that I will or I won't
I don't understand myself
why I behave this way
Unable to say
I'm a riddle, painful and puzzling

Everything I said I knew I wouldn't - I did
Life carried me - like a devil?
It all began like a game
don't know how to break the spell
we threw to each other
I was powerless, swept
But I kept saying, "yes"

Yes, yes, yes!
The word comes to my lips
Because I love you to debris
I must do something, stop this wheel
Before you and I
are crushed beneath

This is an open heart surgery
It hurts!
But it must be done
To carry on

The hunger breaks
takes what it's hers
fills with desire
and now creates regret
I need his touch
(only thing in the world,
if stripped from anything else)

Hunger repressed but looming there
it makes no common or uncommon sense
the guilt lashes out at me
still I sigh and wish
but ah! the Emperor stings
with his plan stiff
but he's gone, he's kicked
he's put to rest for better things

It was thrilling
You were my heart's true desire
All I needed to come alive
But you crushed it
Mercilessly
And I ate the crumbled cake
and got high on it
It saved my life
It was sweet nonetheless

And I flew to a different destination
And you lost my year long devotion
But you know, nothing ever dies
Not even you and I
I have to learn to live with this
Resisting desire,
the aftermath of what once was
But nothing ever dissappears
If you dare to dig
The key - to a happy or unhappy fate
Everything I live, I lived it back then
(and I'm ****** to this!)

His voice makes me high
His eyes make me fly
He speaks my world of ache, despair
And coats it with piercing beauty instead
My world of black, my breathless world
He was there when it crumbled too
Yet I could not see through
I am behind the veil now, so I do
Existential boredom and hunger for some relief
from everything
even *** seems sickening
Yet I can't stop having it

He is not ****** - but he is a pleasure too
He is an angel - from **** heaven
He is beautiful - he doesn't have to try to
In a bodyless world (what a blessing,
what a curse) I'd be with him of course

I might survive, or at least not fall apart
No fainting and no tears
I might pass this stage and still be alive
This time I didn't cry, I didn't shout
but ah, my breathe...
I could barely breathe, still.

Even if I have different skins for different times
The reason why I die and I survive
I will never forgive you
Another wound you inflicted
You think you're right
but you're the one that remains unloved
I know your ways
better than anyone else does
it's another stone to count
for the times you hurt

I'm not really surprised about this
I always knew

I know the heaven of those who die for love
vicariously, although sometimes I just know
I want to be there
Sad place to be in, but pretty in a way
To die at the hands of something you long for

The heaven of those who die for love
in my thoughts
A place to die, to give up
Don't expect me there

The heaven of those who die for love
is held too high
Because the light never leads astray
If you can only salvage love with death
run away

The heaven of those who die for love
is it real? is it wrong?
Love has that hue, I know it's true
To feel all sold and tied to one - all for you
But real love - makes you bloom
These blackened flowers sprinkled with tears
do not!
They wither
like me

Do not hold dearly to the loss of blood
love the blood though

This might be a new round
for us
I never thought
I would end up
here
The irony in these facts
But now I'm queen of hearts
Now I'm the keyholder and you all are just trying to catch
Now I am the wife
I am her, my name is Kate
You are him, don't hurt too many in the way!
Hurt me not
I'm nothing but a pawn
because I'm not that strong
no matter the diamonds
on my crown

It's not a matter of holding crowns
but holding hearts...

Free yourself of that fire that's burning you; with water not from me.
Let it soothe you; get rid of the itch.
Let it ride high, your desire
To know I can only touch
With my fingertips I grasp
The ocean lying deep

I know heaven
because I dared to touch
the ground
My truths are warped
but they are my own

I like the Hangman so
because he sums everything I know

I know light
because I drowned
in the dark

The days I was lost
were key
to finding myself

And I know health is a lie
and I know illness so right
and I know right and wrong
lie so close and it feels so nice

I know what I know
and I do what I can with it
I tried not hard to grasp
it simply came along my path

Courtney Olanzapine
***** me under
but it's not her
it's my problems

I created her, but she's me
How many years
to arrive at that sweet beach

She's real, she's real
but not as much as I can be...
She threatens - oh wait is it me?
I fill my empty holes with her works
something's amiss
works that should be mine though
She's me, I am her, I totally am not -

Identities dancing around now
only one woman to sustain them all
I will remain, I will prevail...
Subtle mind games
Yet you are the only one to blame!
She has some power I can't handle well -

Under a sweet veil
to show my soul
not to get lost
in the same maze I already know

So take all my alter egos and make them mere names
Yet they push me, take me places...
Courtney Olanzapine - you're as old as it gets
at least, as old as my age
you don't exist, you aren't real
I am you - you are I - it's up to me
Keep my feet on the ground
and my head in those dreamy ***** clouds

Waves come and go
But you are not the waves themselves
More words pouring from God's mouth
In the shape of my friends

Paranoid thinking all over the place
I can't perceive its true face
It hides, it eludes recognition
It creeps into my heart
It's all black, no white
It's the devil in disguise

One day up, two down
Two days high, one so low
My mood shifts as paranoia seizes me
Feeling my guts do the old shrinking
My mood shifts and so does the suffering
Tears and wide smiles
I see the Sun, I see it drown
I see it clear, I see it not

Watch me! I ain't who I was
I am who I've always been

You turn your head - you can't believe it's me
I can't either believe - I got freed
Watch me proud in the streets
Watch my madness gone sweet
My madness gone the right way, finally

I have to walk along with this wound
turning to scar sometimes, at last
I didn't choose it, but it seems to be it
I am not my illness; but it walks along me

And I have to come to terms with it every morning
It sabotages me and makes me strong.
I can't kick it. It is like a smothering rope, around my chest.
I am not my illness; but we are united bitterly

Lover or nurse - don't make me choose!
My illness came to make the most of me
It was something I had to touch with my hand
She's a topic to explain,
She's something I can't explain quite well
Yet she is there
I am not my illness; I will get free
Drown my hands in this rabbit hole
till I reach MY SOUL

I hope this poem dies
I hope this poem is a lie
I hope this never comes true
I hope this poem dies

Am I under
the breath of death?
At it, at it again

Leave me a sweet taste in my mouth
Turning sour, bitter afterwards
Make me feel sure and at home
Then the big hitting - or none at all
Comes!
And that's how it comes - unseen, undone
And next thing - he's gone

I had higher, higher expectations for you
I broke what we had...
We need a resolution - what shall we find?
The runaway, you try to settle down...

Are we another story to be told
To strangers and not us?
Something that passed, nothing more than the shadow of a scar
A mark more in the gun.