Saw the world - saw it whole
No hit - just the feeling of it all
It came to me, so pure

Like a heavenly light in front of my eyes
I saw order, cosmos in this bunch of my life
A chaos inside about to burst
in pink shades and dream dust!

Feels like I've grown and learnt
A healed wound on its way
A turning point in my existence
No more severed legs.

And it wasn't so dark
and it wasn't so grey
I was so close and so away
In the perfect point to watch
the Universe

I can see the horizon of the other shore
and it screams you're safe, you're home
it says get rid of your chains
jump in and take a dip on these days

I have no reason to be mad
and I am not at all
Are you kissing
another girl?
We have no control over each other's
not so far

I have no reason to get suspicious
because you are not my man
But I can't help wondering
about what you do right now

Anyway, I won't ask you
I have no right to
But it's fun how we become
jealous right when things haven't even begun
It's just an afterthought I had, it's only fun

How to sum up what I feel
only now I had you (in a way)
I dare to write it

Who are they? To judge what I deem best
What can a professional ******
tell me about steamy beds?
Who are they? Anyway
I thought they were my friends
But I always confuse terms -
(my story is the story of the confusion
of a girl)

And why am I bound to them
was it fate
was it chance
it was years I felt this unwell

Confront your fears
but run away
from beasts

I float away
right now
I wish I floated on
your arms
It hurts it hurts it hurts
I am torn
Back to the old
I felt strong -

Just drop me a line
or a word
that will be enough
and if not
it does not matter,
no OCD in this heart.

Just love, love, love
and all those pretty things
they seem to be unaware of
I will open their eyes
But I am this alien,
I can't fake it

There she goes, the innocent *****
watch her in her short skirt own the world

Wide and clear eyed
Confused, but willing to enjoy the ride
She's a mastermind but she doesn't know
She just goes with the flow

She's the innocent *****
And she's gonna eat you all
because
she's the purest form

"Don't call me a ****
don't put me in your ****** box.
Oh wait, I don't give a ****!"

Here's to everything she can be
Here's to the magic it brings
Let her in
I did

I lost my voice, somehow
because I lost my heart
I am the same, but I am lost

Life without you
is high and dizzy
a rollercoaster to live it

I am strolling through
and I don't know what I do
I fall for guys I barely know
in my bed alone I come

Life without you
is uncertainty!
Here we are
waiting for the sun to dawn
on us

Life without you
will carry us somewhere
this wait will be over
How you coping without me?
Are you as gone as I can be?

My friends they are going to **** me
but I don't really think I care now
Bradley's saying it will lead to tears
but I felt so complete

That we might be back -in fact, we are-
and this time, we will make it grand
You didn't kiss my wounds
but they healed with your touch

My parents they are going to freak out
that I will be yours once again
but I don't think I am the same girl

Nothing's the way it was
Thank God!

How to make the magic
stay?

Hello there...!
I'm back to hell
I'm back again
I know it too well

I predict a death
Going back to bed, sleeping again
Closing my eyes
Or a lie instead

I've been here before
I know its ups and downs
Flowers in the window pane
For my stay in the mental jail
Death has so many shades
Her little ways to dismantle you
Her many games

I've been here before: the drowsy music
I saw the grey comfortable swing of the days before the spring
I felt comfy, ready to swim..in the shores of not
I heard the disperse beat of the days of emptiness and draught

And I will drown my head
trying to cleanse
but first let's watch
what is left

And I will cry, at my own funeral
Is there resurrection for me?
Awhile, I will sit down
pray for the worst
not to come

Now I roam till I get lost
Now I flirt with men I don't really want
Yet I can't stop

Now I am confused – a girl of my zeitgeist
Now I come – but always a question afterwards
Where did I go?

Should I go back to your arms
that place I trashed so much now
the high comes every night yet I can't make it right

Now I live with hope
but the devil knocks my door!
The ghosts call out
even if they sing
Death is kicking hard
Life – just hold on tight
Am I missing it this time?

if I crumble, I will crumble with you
love in extremis, we will rise again together
(and who knows if it will be better)
death, death after life
the wheel of the year, the joke on us

strength and weakness
health and illness
the witches, the witches!
live inside of your chest
like hags clawing at what you love best

Unmagic it all so it can be magic again
Unmagic it all so it can be magic again
Reorganize, ******* clean up your brain!
-do nothing instead-
my incantation to myself
Magic never dies, but it resists
any attempt to be sacralized
because the eternal is not holy
it just IS
so swallow your words and your act
swallow all your quest
swallow all that ****

In this terrible weather
where nothing ever happens
so uncomfortable,
so unreal, so blue
still, I saw the flowers bloom

Because you can't gag or bind
the force inside

Weirdest summer ever
but still we dare to walk
Scared at first, kept in our house
tears and cravings
over the Sun left outside
furious *******
we have to stay alive!
Thank God, thank God
We'll seize the day, and the nights
We'll outdo survival, turn it into little magic
to cope
not to die

The Sun approves.
It always does.

I see the children walk from school
I watch the people eat their food
and a hint of poignant - when watching
all the hustle, all the natural and good
It's the earthly order and power in chaos
It's our silent scream towards adversity
our ******* to paralysis,
the idea that nothing will make us stop
"we refuse, in fact, we can't give up"

And you say that it's affecting you
and we all are under the weather now
we can't give in, though

This is survival
and it's ugly as ****
but it's a scar we can learn to dignify
so kiss me, touch me, **** me
in those strange times

Oh, God, you hurt me so much
Saturdays spent in tears all alone
My mom watching me and me watching the phone
My mom saying, "you have to cut this down"

And I did - and I slept in the belly of the beast
I burnt for nights of desire deep
I got high on Hatari, men, and my own ****
I slept for two months, widely asleep

Mini messages that feel maximized and meaning all
Starving every day with a tense chest
Feeling delayed, if at all only merely checked
Everything feels like a pulsating alert
My emotional poverty that you fed
You thought you loved me - well...
you probably did not

Was it really love? What the **** did I go through?
I still don't know
maybe I never will
you planted a seed
but the seed was me sprouting
you sprinkled me
but the power was all the time within
how to get it back
well I don't have to try

This chapter draws me in
I can't say no to it
It looks exciting and dangerous
(like everything that's worth it)
I fell so many times before this
but I rose before, too
so keep that in mind

The biggest blessing came
falling from the sky like holy rain
when you expected no blessing at all
When you simply rocked to world's pace
Struggling and smiling, (yes, yes)

I have to affirm this force within
It comes and seizes me in crazy moments
(God likes to laugh)
Get away from my dying patterns
The night is mine, and so is the day
I just have to know where I aim.
But again, then...
I will be shown the way
It makes my pulse shake
My eyes squinted and cannot see well
Why I see stars when in the dark?
Maybe it's the way it must be, lass

Hell
has a very confusing shape
how could it be other way?
Hell
lives in a strange place

Hell is your parents' words
in adulterated thoughts
Hell is not being understood
and caring way too much

Hell is being drifted away!
I miss my old pain
for it was real though

Hell ends up always, says the sage
I have no other method
than trusting what he says
Hell is being away
from yourself
Powerlessness then

I see a sea of love
this time don't want to let it go
All the days were golden
or at least they weren't as I thought them

I see it clear at last
please don't give up
on this crazy lass
that loves you so much

Please hear me sing
hear me moan your name
hear me something
don't run away

I see a sea of love
that was always there for me
you were truth 24/7
and I was stuck on wrong narratives
And it fits, so it must be real

Where on Earth do I belong
or is it outer space
I am not Lauren Tate
I am not like anyone I met
But there must be a place
Or is outer space?
All weirdos belong somewhere
And it is not the loony bin
or your room locked for days

Mother do you see me
do you perceive only a tiny bit
Do you see me come alive
with my pens and when I write
Do you finally accept
what you sired back then?

Etsy freak
Courtney Love wannabe
Look at that ****** *****!
They will scream such things
I might be a narcissist
-never mind, I am an artist-
But can I light up the way
of those who cry like once I did?
Is it my calling? Is it my fall?
What do I do with this rush?
I know the answer - keep on riding
keep on living, write it out
paint it up
**** hard

(Mom does not know a thing
Mom she never did
I am a ****** to her eyes, the ****** queen
with a thread of men in my dreams
Mom does not suspect, the pain
can she see through me?)

Know you're hurt inside
We all try to survive
We try to get along with life, put people in our ride
What am I to you, what have you been to me?
Everything

I trust life a lot - got nothing more
I see the signs in the roads
they speak worlds
Everything speaks at once
And it's way too much

You're a wounded child
******* with anyone you find
You love me in your own twisted way
And I love you with my characteristic strength:
obsessing, but also giving myself

Are you the bandage
no, you're more than a simple passage
a passage zone - that just maybe

Sometimes I envision the future
I can feel your hot kiss
The caress that he would never give
You could save me
you could take me away from here
but first I need to save myself
first I need to be my own agency

I am trapped on him
he doesn't let go of me
not even in my bed
he spreads all over my dreams
like plague, like spring

But slowly you're creeping in
Still, it's all about him
I hope you do,
I hope he decides quick

Are you the balm
you're beautiful God you are!
you turn me on so much
but I've got a lovely limp
he cut my feet
he restrained my limbs
and I am happily gagged
while he roams around without me
But I can't live like this

Are you the key
tarot cards can't help me now
let's take it to the park
let's take it to our dreams
Blue eyes against hot glasses.
Spring against scorching dangerous summer.
Climate change!
"A lot of love, a lot of blood", she said
You're not a bandage
but maybe you should be happy
to cauterize the wound so good

This is the last day of the summer
Buses don't arrive on time.
I dance on the stop, thoughts going wild.
People are out and about.
You fan your hands to cool it off
Does that match your soul?
I can't help but feeling this day
has a meaning, a sense

My life didn't turn out so bad in the end
Here I am, can't believe I made it.
Last day of summer - a promise and a death
Something's filling, thickening the air
So light with anticipation, with peace, with
not knowing what comes next
yet knowing also it will indeed be great

We all have grown
The wheel moves, like it or not
And we celebrate our million aches
with milkshake and games
Am I in the right path? It all crosses my mind
The demons want me back
and I am still deciding how to cope with that

Last day of summer
because pool season might come to an end
but inside
the Sun will reign
a spare time not to forget
let's rush back but never ever
fail the shot again

Don't hurt yourself
I am hurting myself
I wasn't even aware
But the damage is done

Negatives of an old life
that wasn't a life at all
but the embryo and the egg
from which everything stems

I need you **** I do
but I lash at myself
and I hurt myself because
I think of you

This is hell
I've been through this
be patient
light wins

I need to snap out
this is not real
this is the devil
absorbing me

But how to snap out
that's where I am now
I need you, oh I do
can you love me
being this wretch
being this supernova
being this mess

Life is a battlefield
so dance! in the sweet intervals

Things I don't understand
only most of them!
And the night is disconnected
from the day
The body - walks away

This is all wrong
The wrong direction, the wrong road
Don't try to save face - just burn

The rush of thoughts
in my head
after coming
alone in my bed
A ***** fell from my head
Everything was going great
But that ***** made a mess

And there's no mess
in my morning mental musings
but I was tired of fighting
Burn love, it never saved me

Our love was great
But it cannot stay that way
I gave you everything
But you gave it away

No more air to clear
With fights and what comes after it
Tired of this ****
Love does not ache, but it became daily death
For me

You drive me back here - everything at stake
I really didn't wish this, but you like it this way
I never wanted it to end - but
You are generating pain I can't digest

Poetry! She came back
The moment I kicked you out
You had my heart, but you crush it merciless
You crush it with duties and excuses
You crush me most weekends...

I love you to death, but there is a pressure in my chest
Long dreary mornings, sleeping without rest.
I feel so weak but I am tired of carrying the blame.
If I am weak, we could carry both the weight.
I feel so sick, laying nervous in my bed.
I give you my everything, but you refuse to engage
So now it's time I push you away.

And how to handle this - hurting you I never wish
How you will make me feel sorry for your problems
And guilty that I have them
What to do?! What to do!
So hard being the surgeon again
When I buried my scalpel for death
So hard being the cold surgeon with tears in her face
But I can't live this way

And if finally it doesnt break
You will have to follow my game
You will have to show
That you care

We picked the flowers and look at them with love, and care.
From each other's embrace - we could not shy away
The flowers were broken, as we were ourselves
because of my pain, your pain.

The flowers will reanimate
if only we plant them to germinate
This swinging rhythm of grey waves
shores up my existence.

And this fear is slowly going away
and this pain is being drained
Some times, I know it is just us again...
...new pains, though
...old strains, I should know!
I need to slay them all
I need to address them to know
They take away all of my fun
I am a slayer, what happened to my sword?
I am a star, what happened to my spark?
I got bigger, but then I went back to small

I love you - oh **** I do
But I'm stuck again
I'm stuck on our good days
I can see the pitch black
I can see the blinding light
but this smothering grey - I could never take

It's easy if you don't try.
It's easy to open your palms
to the light

This was always my torture
This was always my pain
The one thing in my brain
that blew away

Why? I have no idea why
But the more time passes
I know right?

A permanent wound in my head
Was I born this way?
Clouding my understanding
But a truth never dies
What to do with two? or many of them?

Who will guide me through this path
Will you
I can do it myself
But it's better if we do...

I don't know what to do
I just see the wounds
This must make sense in the end

Cynthia is watching me in the eye
Does she know about the void inside?
I don't know anything else, but
feeling this unnameable take place

Does she ache the way I do?
Or is she just clairvoyant, in her silence cool?
She's a mystery wrapped in a girl, barely talks
I need salvation, so everyone looks like God
Specially those who don't know me at all

Does she know how I look into Gotye's eyes?
Does she know about the emptiness all the time?
About how destructive this fake laughter is?
I try to belong, I try to be
but I'm trapped in between
and this I can't catch, this I can't grasp!

Is she a part of the pattern, the plot?
I will never know!
I am, for sure!

It's like it was with Gitte
But now I know better
Spent years trapped
I will fight not to come back

How spaced out and disgregated
can I be?
My thoughts scattered
so I can't see
Everything out of place
Arranging madly, can't rest

I've been here before
Confusing beauty and love
But I felt your hand on me
And God I could feel
But I forgot, I chase those things

I am ******* distorted
Today
Take me away, again

I bet it all to your number
it's the way I roll
I know anyway in this lottery
I end up alone

I risked it everything to your name
got broken, and the hit did ache
I won't be coming back to you
but I am not staying with him anyways
I tried to do my ******* best

I don't know the game we play
it is my fault, is it my shame?
some minutes I am confused as hell
I tell myself, I wasn't born yesterday

Are you men to trust?
That's the hard question we don't ask
This lottery we play - wears me out
keeps me on my toes, gaps a big hole
in my chest
I must do something wrong, or can I put
******* Luck to blame?
I bit a lot -  now about to expel
never, never, never from myself

Running wild around the airport at 6 o'clock
Dad drove me here and he hasn't asked a thing
about who I **** or who I kiss
this is -definitely- God's gift!

He has wrote me as well
do you want someone to take you there
his kiss feels sweet in my thoughts
but to him I don't belong

Look at this string of songs
to heaven, back, and below
All your hopes, all your dreams crushed
Springing blooming despite it all

Drawing doodling thinking writing in the plane
in this glittery notebook containing my brains
about how so good does me so wrong
About unwanted pregnancies and spiralling out of control
But I can put it away, for once
(because no one's taking away my fun)

And I have two men so
I can't decide in this mess
so I am hitching a ride
I am getting away
from my life
so it can ring back
from afar

And in Camden Town I come alive
I do fit in this place, like Amy did in time
-Amy I can't feel your tears now,
I am so high, so high can't come down-

British breakfast, with hash browns
Bumbling around and secrets unveiled abound
Buying stuff we don't need but sure we want
This is it, I don't need more

And those small moments make up the whole
London bridge is good but not as much
as my friend's voices and anecdotes
as my short skirt and my passing thoughts
London, I will never forget
how you came and what you were
I need to get back there - with my new bag
full of ****** and no regrets
I wanted to get away, and I did
sweet coming back after the retirement
sweet, sweet everything

A painful birth took place in my soul
I could see definitely see it all
These realizations chase me all the way
I don't know when they right and when they fail

Because I saw things in the twilight
The map is laid out there for me to see
I don't know yet what it means
But I will, I will always be free

(Now the wound is healed but the scab is fresh
And your behavior doesn't help)

Bradley was talking and I was scraping
His words bring back all that's dead
My fear of things failing between me and my aim
The night following the sun's rays

Because if I have to confront you, confront it
I love you so much I could say
But I'm getting mad today
don't know if it's at you or is it me.

I've already been to this
Lovers to friends and all in between
I just have not the strength anymore
I need to see **** clear.

Hold your pen close to your soul girl keep growing
Must know when the candles are blowing out
Must know when things are falling down
If they distract me from the light
Where the **** is the light
I'm sure it's in the arms of a man

(Every poem is born when you're lonely
You turn to paper in the absence of something else
When friends and lovers just not working
Gotta do a job within yourself.)

And if it has to die, I will hasten it
I have no time for playing games!
Maybe it's just an universal lesson
to live, taste more and cling a little less.

Who knows the ways?

I've been thinking of running to Cape Town
Or anywhere for that matter
All that matters
is getting away from disaster

Run away somewhere they don't know my name
where I can forget and dream away the pain
The place it's all the same.
Feel new air and take deep breaths.
Bustle and hustle in new relaxed ways.
Talk the nights away with my friends.

I would run away -away is the key word-
because this is too much to take
give me another blackout from tough reality
another sweet oblivion, forgetting and forgiving

So I am not moving from here.
but as soon as I can, I will get free
from my boundaries and my ache
and I will fly somewhere
I can start again, with or without you
I just need myself.

I don't want you now - that chapter is done and closed
Again I could put up with it much more
With all the **** you made me take
The shapeless unraveled we became
The painful, the hopeless, the fear everyday

You worded it first: you touched my soul
The needle was stuck on our hearts
The drug directly pumped to our cores
And the abstinence now it shows
Even if at uneven times and hours
The precious waste of our broken love
But I can take withdrawals pretty well
Do you, dear? Are you already ******* some girl?
And you appear, yes,
and I see your faults, but I watch your love
Such a dissonant meaningful song

Silence, you won't hold me hostage
again
I'd rather burn the house and scream
to avoid the pain
than stay in the sidelines and wither
slowly
with my doubts and my words
making me choke

I will ask and beg for what I want
This is my new attitude towards the world
Silence won't cut my throat
with her sly knife anymore
Before you speak, think
that's not advice, it's just ****!

Because silence won't save you, at all
Silence will simply keep the dogs at bay
while the bomb ticks away
Silence is razors at 16 years old
Silence is slow death
Silence is...an emptied space
a form of decay

Silence - you are not the way
I have known you for long
so I know
Silence - you might win the battle
but not the war!

I want to approach it, but it will **** us again.
I can't risk that; you're my everything.
I crossed the threshold; I did it to be brave
Now I'm burning on the fire, I am in pain.

And I had a vision today
Of the doors of hell
Maybe all you have to do is to look away
because else it keeps staring at you straight
And the word fakeness, the idea
chases me. I feel a restlessness in me
no matter what I do, say, or feel.

I simply can't go back
to my phobic reactions
To neglecting my own directions.
I remember how it all was
when I was 16 and younger (still young)
It kills me inside: I want what I want
your love
But there's a hole, in my soul
Did I open it with my hands
Did it open itself like that

But I love you, so deep.
This is my curse. This is my gift.
Visions please do not leave me
take me back - show me the real
A flower shows its head - caress her

She's a love ******
She can't dissociate
She loves, or either she breaks

She got freed a darkened day
But she always gets carried away
with some thing that she shouldn't crave
She knows the truth, she knows it well
But others can't help but differ instead

She's a ******
for thrills and chills
She bleeds...
Can you get free little girl
You are on your way there
You have walls to break - but so do they

Do not fall into mama's lap
Bite the hand as soon as you can
At least, don't cut your limbs to merely exist
Confront, explore, resist.

Do not take my word
because I'm only deeply hurt
that's what I try to get across
that you should hit the road
as soon as you can walk

Do not follow my dreary path
that only lately I could patch up
stay away from those holy demons
which are nothing but a Sunday evening
watching TV movies unaware you're rotting
unaware you're drowning
gagged - choking on homeostasis and noise
dying - because you survived

I am a runaway
because I live on the edge
of a blade

And it cuts my skin
in a million ways
but I have to stop that
You tear me, oh babe

I want to catch a plane
get away, get away, get away
from myself!
Forget about this mess
forget about the ******* blade
only unknown Sun will help!

Sweet oblivion
leading to visions...
sweet getting lost...
to find your road

Forget, forget, forget
On your **** - do not dwell
Heal the heart - with his kiss
Forget the bad - if it doesn't sting
You can't look at everything
Do not forget - what makes you smile
Do not forget - the light
Forget all the crap that deviates you
from that
Do not forget - the heart knows much

Sitting in a bus, yet watching the trees, feeling the breeze
holding a phone in my hand - thinking about your smile
the noise of the motor was lulling me, like a bird would
it became part of the scene, nature by repetitive use
Technology - that weird, disconnected craft
(it also comes from our hands)
Making us lose touch, miss the beat of the eternal drum
but is it like that?

My dreams are not filled with mobile phones
but while I am awake, they help me cope
It won't save you but indeed it'll help
it's more like a prop on stage, something taking us there
like a train to meet your lover when he's not near,
like a CD to hear music that'll make you feel,
yet it is only a brazen thread,
beautiful only in the measure
that is human-made.

Connect with the Universe in strange new ways
Do not stray - hold her metallic, heavy hand
Follow the Earth - but please do take this chance
From nature you can't hide - not even with a device
Crazy how this little appendix brings me closer
by pulling a bit further

The weather forecasts
a summer of unbearable heat for us
Scorching feelings
and surprises all around

We won't perish this I know
we will surely have a ball
we will thrive in the chaos
we might die but we'll be reborn

A summer of the heat you bring to me
Of blue eyes and thrills
A summer that we can't foresee
"This is going to be different", we won't forget in years
The weather forecasts a wave that will stay here

Big waves! Change!
And the eternal always remains

Ice cream and friends
and the chaos of the present there
Seizing me close, losing my breath
Kisses that spring and the rabbit hole
Drowning my hands further on
Lick the world like it was yours

Love, love, love
that elusive charm
And the weather forecast
as an empty, filled with ever omen

The happiness preceeding the rain
A rain that does not wash but rather creates pain
The happiness opening my eyes to the fact - I care
I don't mind, better to live than to merely exist

The news is a mess
I am afraid we will be next

I trust you, and I trust us
but the fear freezes my bones
only sometimes

How the world turned a nightmare - no one knows
but I'll clutch to us, just in case it stops

...this is the aftermath of death
But I think though I am in the right way

I have been here before!
Fighting a ****** silent battle in my heart
Catatonic and hectic, I was
Confused, utterly lost
I have been before
Trapped and hands tied
Channeling so much ****
Days spent with a twitch
Incapable of hitting the switch!
Days wasted away, days ill
Days too clean
Days without a mouth to speak
too clumsy inside
How to difference which?
What leads to what? What does it all mean?
A prisoner with blurry visions and unclear feels
I have been here before.

But I haven't been before
to the resolution of it all

Where does this **** go?

"Oh, this ****
I gotta analyze this.
Because indeed something makes me nervous,
therefore I can't come"

But I did,
I saw your ****,
I saw your face,
and I did.
Paradise comes quicker.
I wanted you,
but your thought did not want me.

Is today a good day
for barren knowledge?
Barren day

This is not real
this is not the place to be
I have cut my limbs

Am I passing to the other side
which side this time
Information coming from all sides
"This is my strength, this is my fall"

I just want to die and cry

Ahhh...you people...(me therefore)

the guy of the thousand kisses
all over my skin, my body shivers
there's something missing -
there's something plus in the scene -
an old dead body, that haunts me

because he isn't dead
I wish he was
but everyday he decays
a bit, our growth is spayed
we lie on the bed
but a few days ago
I saw the other side of the game
now it flees from me
but I already got sold my soul to it

he killed himself in fact
to my hungry eyes
I am hungry for life
can't starve on your doubt

And the guy of the thousand kisses
comes along and burns me little by little
I love his touch, I love his slow burning
Maybe he holds  a secret I don't know
I am doing it all wrong – love love love
I've been trying hard to keep him at bay -
now it's time to let it blow, baby let's play
Show me the way - not to be a wooden girl again

I've been through mock hell.
I will never ever forget.
It wasn't real, but it could have been
All the anguish that I've seen

I saw the Devil - once
but I've been in hell - several times
how black my world looked
how much **** you put me through

And i've learnt something different in this trip
Fake but so ******* real to me
About philosophical knots
entangled with needs of the heart.
About needs of men and women - sacred like stars
about death, about life and heavy laws
and poisoned with rotten judgement and weights cast from above
Unresolved doubts. No one holds the truth.
Not me. But not you!
Was it me? Was it you?
Too much - did I ever chew?
Too much - did I settle for?
What to do? Hard, hard to know.

And now the blood be dropping (between my legs)
And my mind got back on its rails.
But God does really put things out there,
to show you sides of the game.
hey *******,
I've been through mock hell
and it was enough
to see y'all face.

My head lights get lit up
in unlikely moments and that's the fun
or did I see that blaze outside
the path could be lit up with blue eyes
All I know is I burnt with light
Burn bright, baby, burn bright.
Everything fits, nothing hurts

I saw a river crossing my days
Hot waters that gently, sweetly sway
It was milk and honey land
I saw somewhere I could grab
I saw for miles, the miles swallowed me back
I felt something, deep inside
It wasn't the actual thing, but
I knew it was the head lights firing up

And the head lights can be turned off quick
but in the same way (I tell you) they get lit
they throw ideas, they throw things
I have to process them, what they mean
is it that the head lights or just losing it?
not immune to the surrounding maze
their hot caress, their warm embrace
Head lights, will you save me from myself?
I am complete, it's you *******
who make me feel else...

Let it die! And **** it at once
No more late night dramas, just this omen/oath
Just let it die, because I've fed it to grow
and I haven't succeeded so...
I won't make a scene
But it will show.
Bitter poems pile up
Bitter days stack up
Our love dies out.

Slowly our light will fade
Secrets accumulate
Slowly time will tell
if I was a fool to think I'd win the bet

I got fooled into thinkin this was - love
You probably did too.
Got fooled into thinking I was your all
I know I bother, smother you with this sick heart
but you can't say no, when I place my lips on your ****

I typed you that...so raw
but with the shaking fear of loss
Pregnant with obsession, like a child lost
and you answered with a slack silence
But a silence that weighs a ton.
A silence that means it all.
A silence, that *******, hurts!
You let it pass, you let it slide.
How much hate, this love can contain!
How much love, wrapped up in despair!

To carry on in the day;
yearning for the night
like a child I wait, we wait,
for everything to fit in, come right
a beautiful bow ribbon
on the gifts of today
we were given this, nothing more,
nothing less, nothing else.

And I write just to stay alive
It's not false, but nothing like
that ******* light
sometimes it dawns on me
sometimes I dawn on it
oh God, won't close my eyes
I waited
unconsciously - while I just am.

And I'd lie if I said I'm not afraid
but I found myself in love so
what could I do, then?

And I'd lie if I said I do like things this way
but it's my life, **** it, and it's not gonna change

And I'd lie if I said I do not get your stance
but have you ever tried to see mine for yourself once?

I see the other side
I see the grass
and it's not greener, just not what you said it was

A virus infected our home already
in the shape of your paranoia
and my thirst to run steady
this place is hell,
but as fast as I can I'll run away

What does my heart say?
It yearns your kiss but I just can't cheat
What does my mind say?
Leave at once - try to stay

He is the devil - he is an angel
He turns me on - he drags me down
to darker paths and darker deeds
If he was you -if you were him
all my problems would be done
Why don't you get gone?
Out of my *******, away from my thoughts

I can't be your lover - not that way!
You turn grubbier by the minute
If you were him, if he was you
I would not be here languishing
I'm in tatters with it everything!

I am undergoing some kind of process
some kind of new-old current
Do I have to grab someone's hand to jump
What is the answer to this ripping out my guts?

If I die will you still be with me?
I really don't wish to be
But the grey is coming back at me

All my fluency - lost
All I've gained - somehow gone
How to stop

Blanked out by the grey
but I need to focus on the bright
how to do that

I guess the solution might be easy
but anyway I miss it
I miss its warmth
But we are not nearly gone at all

But we'll learn, we'll walk
and our love will grow
I hope

Sometimes the days just roll over like waves!
Calm, carefree,  but secretly connected
Filled with hope, with a quiet trust
Sometimes life treats you well
Better not to ask and better not to care much

And here comes the pain!
The turbulence and violent rain
A rain that does not wash but stain
But...
The waves, washed it away.

The sunny days!
It is just a moment that lasts forever
The occasional turbulence can't wear it out
The hundred accidents that disturb
My ocean's peace
Can't really break what we built
Can't really take away what's within.

I hope you never call back again, I hope you never do
But yet I want you in a muffled way, and I am nervous too
I went serious because it's too much lately
so much **** to write about but the heart is heavy

Perfect vision, hands tied
No way to help what's projected inside my eyes
I wish I could break away the unknown spell
And I think of him, every now and then
Do not repeat the same old evil patterns

Oh, you touch me and I come alive
but then again I'm a gutted girl
Who gutted me, then?
Was it me or was it him

I am like a programmed machine towards crashing
Who programmed me?
Which tracks I am trying to cover?
Who can help me now? Holy water?

It hurts it hurts it hurts
and I wish I could turn a blind eye
but I can't
What happened in my guts?
No more stars - but the ones of hurt

And you hold some keys
it might be the case
but I'm like a ******* maze