He's beautiful
and today
I could not stop looking
at him

He's beautiful
but he doesn't send the magic
downstream

He's beautiful -you're beautiful-
Guys would **** for your number
If you only paraded in the street
You are beautiful, you I would not kiss
but you awaken something in me...

His smile - stirs me
His lips - do they call me?
I am bored, I know it
I don't know - what I feel

Amy: I have never drowned like you
But in fact, all of us have done too
Amy - take me to the center of brokenheartedness
fly with us to the core of the problem
You are my shadow, what I should never be
You are there for me! Dead only in flesh

It's all there in your lyrics: in your voice
The pain of love, sharper than anything else.
The chaos of the heart!
You are a friend and a cautionary tale
How you destroyed yourself.
How you loved so intense
How much you resemble, at times, myself.

You had to look in the eyes of the devil
every day;
You took too deep a dip in the waters of life
Wrong bay, wrong place!
You died for us, so we didn't have to suffer
You already suffered for us to be saved.
You are no Christ;
But you shine a light - through tears and ache

And I pray to never be you, we never want to be you
But we run to your songs, when the weather's not good

I remember your eyes, nearly in tears
A ****** Mary statue is watching the scene
She heartily approves of this...two weirdos at 17
I remember another time
That thankfully will never come back

I remember playing Taboo at our friend's house
I remember broken laughter
Having nothing at all
But I hadn't seen light
I merely held a bulb

And now you talk to me, and I feel strange
Again
You don't know the path I had to walk
To get
How to tell you what has been?
I am taking the wrong side again
I cannot even dare to think

How to tell you about how much I gained and I lost?
My mind bends and distorts
The river I crossed on my own
The hell I had to endure

So I felt odd talking to you
Good, but not as good
As I felt following
the soft curves
As I feel now and did not do
As I simply let go
of myself and find my soul

Caught like I will always be
This tension to exist - this is to live
The wound carries the solution
The solution is there for you to **** on
it is the whole world and just a spot
Your questions are answers of its own
The wound is a chance to heal
Give it time, give it time, it will.

This is the ultimate empowerment
To feel connected to the SOURCE

I missed the beat for years
I had to find my own feet
to then move to it
The cheerful, the moving
-life itself-
I kept myself away
And how to make up for the wasted years
I have an alibi - I was about to break
if not already burst
now I see the sun
But no tears - now it's my time
now I will shine
now my waiting is done
Stayed inside, always inside
Rejected life as a motto
Now the beat intoxicates my soul
Now I can't stop
I rode this, I won't let go

A girl lost, grabs the pen to save her soul.
She's got a world...
In the city of "déluge", a refuge.
In the city of desperation, a light - salvation
Put some order in my brain, make something beautiful, a gem, built out of pain.

I grew up through my notebooks.

Side A, Side B
Like a broken vinyl
I spin, I spin

Side A - I am happy, I feel fine
Side B - my fears, crippling me at once
I battle between sides
They keep playing in time

Side A, Side B
driving me mad
this is my stability
this is my path

Side A, Side B
crying alone in my bed
my holiday torture
my Friday of pain
Side A, Side B
flipping from one to other

My paranoia,
my love,
fighting
non stop

Since you left
All I do is to please myself

With any stuff that comes my way
And I don't feel as great
as it was with you, babe
******* and girls and ***** in my bed
Wish you were here, so we had fun
But I am blocking you - saddest part
I am not fulfilled like this, but if this is
what life deals for me
I will kiss that girl Mireia and run with it.

I don't know where this leads
But show me the way quick.
Came with a **** - but ah, chicks like me!
Are they the reflection to my kinks?
All the doubts are back! Again 13!
Dear, take me away from here!
Take me away from me!

Lately there's a rock
bottled up energy in my crotch
and I come every night
but it's not as sweet as it was
Do you come thinking of me? Do you?
Sweetest thing. Wish I could.

I love you...

You were way too young and tender
for the devil to call you out
You could not make sense back then
So you simply started to drown

And afterwards, you shattered.
Slowly but incessantly.
You simply could not reach out
from the terrible visions you found

But they were just visions; a nightmare, perhaps.
Everything is a dream: no use in worrying about.
You slept for nearly 10 years, because you had simply broke down.
You were too confused but precious, with it all you could not put up.

Now you have to go back where it all began
Because the very corpse of death stares at you from all sides
Now you have to dig with your hands
deeper! deepest! You have to go that far

You tore; the wound becomes a scar
The future lays questions, answered with the past
but a fundamental new light
to read those lines

Life rolls on like waves
too peaceful, lull me, babe
I will put down the pen
I will write with stardust,
over my days

Loneliness, darkness, I held you tightly for years
Lived under your thumb so happily (I used to think)
you are life as well as you are sure death
I come back to you in the absence of something else
I want to run away but you're always close
You disguise yourself, or you simply morph...
I hide in my isolation, no one trespasses home
They'll never understand, I will never understand
I try frantically to fit but I can't
Got too lost in my head
that I cannot share

And without you I have nothing
I return back to where I really am
You're my only wire that really is
You're my free
If I could (enroscarme) in you
and just be

(I feel like I am sinking
frantically trying to breathe
I can, I can,
but today the years
go backwards for me)

I tried to refloat the boat
But maybe it's wrong
-Maybe it harbors no sense at all-
For a minute, everything glowed
But I am lonely, and I want it to stop
Do I? Is it a part of my bones?

And i wither in the prison
But ah, you broke through the door
When the loneliness hits when i'm far from home
Your love, your love, your love,
not without
a glimpse of fear, of fear, of fear.

My jaw breaks
and so does my soul
I tried so hard, so hard
Only I saved myself
by getting lost in the maze

Take me away from hell
Was I a born outcast
or just bad luck?)

Tell me what went wrong last night
All my pain resurfaces and I can't hide
A billow of trouble surging from my insides

It began slowly, last day
With the feeling again
you would not pay attention to what I said

It got bigger, later on
when I met my dear but troubling friends
it all went slowly more wrong

It got more and more swollen, everytime
Their lives are so much better than mine
They don't know the joy, they don't know the fight
I watch the place I inhabit and I swear
it's ******* bleak! Everything uncertain,
everything unclear
Their eyes wound me, seeing myself through these
I can't tell you about the things I've outlived
the things I've seen, and yet to see!
because:
This is my life
a journey, a struggle
ecstasy,
vital fluid
pills and thrills,
mad smiles
do you wanna ride?

And I hear a command:
To myself I have to stay true
Assert myself despite you
I am worthy, I am good!

Came home crying, feeling so torn
everything in me felt dead and gone
I saw the Sun hide last night
But next morning, it was right back.

If you read me - listen close
Life reveals itself - you need no tarot
everything a tool - everything a road
Epiphanies - have a thousand if you can
If you read me - you'll see who I am
But I don't know all my maps
Only God, if anyone, does

If you read me - pay attention
no cheat sheets, but you can rely on
all the years you've been here
This net of petty meanings which are deep
(s)He constructs us, (s)he holds the key

She's a little *****
with a big deep hole in her chest
to fill
to feel
more broken every day that exists

People like to watch her fall
It makes nice art but it can corrode
She's corroding in her own hell
Sometimes, she corrodes in love
hard to distinguish both

She destroys because she's destroyed
She aches and this is all she spreads
This unflattering vision of me - can I take?
And the men that pass through her hands
are the sign she's anything but right

Coming back home - but where's home?
Home is such a scam, but I am
So dramatically lost
Love is such an elusive charm
She murders love - but collateral harm

But this won't take much longer
I've got a hand in my pocket...
give me some time to standby
while working full throttle, full drive
take some distance
the pain is going to make me blackout

Take the little ***** to London
put her in the plane with her friends
take the little ***** somewhere else
she needs an ear - a kind of help
a get away

Hey Anne Clark
I am fine, everything's right
You came to save me when everything was ****** up
But there is a dark spirit whispering to my ear
Poisoning my chest with ugly thoughts
I want to be your all
I want to put boundaries to the blowing wind
And I really only wish good, for you and me
I forget my own sins
Are they really sins? Should I be forgiven?
Should WE be forgiven?

Life encompasses everything, and I fear
that you might be pulling away from me...
I've been cheating on you, you know?
With a guy called Scott
How to behave? What to hope for?
He keeps forgetting and I keep panicking
He appears in my screen and I shake at his thoughts
Still not you
But you are my aim, my arrow, my bow, my all

If he's dead then why you so afraid
if he's dead then why you shake
if it's dead then why you run away
if it's dead then why all this mess, hey?

You've been caressing your brain
with the nettles of thoughts of him
you don't want the man
you could have sworn
but a part of you still yearns for his touch
his love?

and I have to get away from you!
I see the sun shine when I do
I come in his arms all night through
you're a black spot on my light
but you and I could be sweet
if I knew how to do this

We've crossed the barrier
we've melt the ice
can we do it still
tell me what is the price

I guess I am still confused
but until you came I was so good
I want you, and maybe you do too
But we must wait for the flames
to be consumed
not to give in
we will die if we do it again
(at least I will)

Those flames
that have been set on by fate
and a little help from my friends

Reason never won
but reason is nothing but a beacon
of the light of the heart

End of the painful poem
I draw the line here
My sad lines, that took me out from hell
My happy lines, that prompted my days

I want to look at the other side
but everyday life
is dark enough
so I don't even try
And I have seen a tiny light
so huge to my eyes

Love - you are elusive
so I won't try to trap you
It's a trap
*** - you are the truth
Love - who dares your name

I am wandering here
fluttering like
a mad butterfly
My anxiety to exist
was always so wide
And it will never stop
But the Sun blinds me
and I see nothing more

Want to join me in my ride?
I am ready to die
because it's the only way to stay alive
I admit - I am ******* high high high
But isn't that what it's all about?

You could not chew my secret
It got stuck on your throat
I could not chew it either myself
but you made me choke
I was alone: the secret was my own.

I lost you due to myself
All the illness and perplexity
in my brain
If I am crazy now, you are partly to blame.
But ah, maybe I shattered myself.

You had a knife in your tongue - almost murdered me with it
I had a bruised soul - almost died of your harsh stroke

It's a wound I must handle with care
It is usually not gone, always lurking there
It only healed by itself and the warmth of the air
With your lips kissing it tenderly every day.

And I've seen you - first love (girl)
and I haven't cried
but I did afterwards
You broke my heart when I barely had one
You killed me when I was about to be born
But you couldn't.
I stand strong
and after years of solitude
I TOUCH MY BODY AND I FEEL GOOD

And now I am here
reborn
after the hurried abortion of myself
when I was young

Another poem bred in hell
I thought I won, but lost again
You left a seed, grew into a ****.

A **** that doesn't let me breathe
Paranoid schemes that you used to feed
It suffocates my lungs, my heart
Strangling my chest
a doubt tearing me apart
The notion that you are not what you are

Fear of lies, fear of what may be
And I won't be able to see
Your lips they are for me
Is that dream real? I can't believe.

Why you don't reply my mail
What do you do when I'm not there?

Borderline feeling
Sleeping in my bed all alone
*******, ******* - because I love you so
The darkest reverse of love
Love and aggression - talking tonight
They are opposites of the same hue
They look in the eye

Borderline feeling - they call it love
Life is the craziest ride
you've ever rode

Don't fade away
Or get lost in everyday's stupid pains
You were made to stay.
Through the turbulences and in the waves,
who you are will remain
I know how it is
I know how sour it feels
don't fade away, like a ill found song
it comes to me

Keep a piece of yourself
Don't lose that tiny essential flame.
Design who you are to fit better your fate.
Create, with God's help, every new day...
Alchemy of your guts - keep your options awake
Best art you'll make - making it today
You need your eyes - it's the only flashlight
you can ever trust
Your home is the world.
The world is your home.

Sweet, sweet - lost my virginity to you!
Sweet, sweet - I am alive no one suspected this
Not even me

Sweet, sweet the days and the nights
caught by some kind of magical charm
the metal legs they can run
the flower is fierce and wild
as she always, but concealed, was

The year is dying and I am dying with it
that's what I feel
but this was too good not to remember it forever
this year will be remembered

Sweet, sweet - the year
lost in your arms, don't come find me
Sweet, sweet - we will go on
to further places of love...
and I see the future all black and tough
but if I train myself hard, if I learn a new spell
I will survive this hell...

Life will be sweet no matter what it brings
Just keep your eyes open - dance and jump to the beat
The beat you can't avoid to hear

I know you are going to rip me in pieces
this might be no good
As you once did
But I am bound to, can't stop running to you...

And I've been trying to get away, do my life
Meet other guys, kissing them in cars
But I can't help it, you must be the one, you do
And it hurts a lot to be in love with you
because it would be much easier not to
You are the shady guy who makes me shake in desire
You are a reason to break my heart

And if you rip me up
once again and you don't understand
I will have to go alone, on my own
thinking of you every ******* night

(Oh, I've tried to love you
gave myself time to
but your candy is not enough
to keep him at bay
to make me stay

And I wish I could be in love with you
how grateful I am for all you do!
Your blue eyes could be the beacon to light up the path
But I am fixated on my thick glassed guy
And oh your light is not enough to cover up his steamy tracks)

Will you set me free
why did I have to fall for you?
You will break me, but
you get me so high though
Are you a light in my alien ride?
Will you shape my whole ****** life?
What the ****?

growth hurts - stretching your limbs
to the sky is what you need
but the expansion aches, your skin gives
you wear those marks for a little time
And those things which don't grow,
die
So there's all the use in trying

Growth in summer - beauty explodes!
But a winter below
No winning without growing first
And I have to leave the training wheels
like a kid in love
Is this the only way out?
What should we do next?
Shiny new gun came in the mail,
but now new rails for this train.
And we are still the aim.

So now, I am at a crossroads,
take my hand, rejoice in us.
So now, I don't feel much good,
endure the winter with me. It's less cold.

I don't know where the road takes
but I know it's a good place
With or without you, I will manage.

Growth - now I am awake
I won't ever sleep again.
The world's too bright for me
to close my eyes

Reason won
(it is just an undercover heart)
No more venomous cupcakes
stuck on my throat
Making me gasp, like an ******
that will **** me at last

And I can't complain really
The Sun shines, then it hides
I see the light in the darkest times
And smiling is a habit
you pull when it looks bleak

My doubts they block and litter
But I live for the head lights to flicker
Don't **** them
Ditch the poems and the love
Just burn
Learn to do it, love

Honey, honey, honey
I sing thee in the spare time
I sing the eternal
I had you last night
Will I get you back?
Please, please, please
I need the Sun to shine
I need my-our steamy nights

I gained my world -more than enough-
Every step I take makes me lost

But I can't complain
my life simply goes -sometimes-
simply well
So keep in mind
when things are not that right
Struggle for the Sun
sitting on the floor

**** love! ****** that prudish *****
But you can't **** love
because it is the core
You need to restrain it
so it can flow

****** love!
Banish that ugly word
You need time to explore
And you don't need Valentines
or flowers or candy hearts
unless they melt to a hot touch
But the beasts howl at the other side...
...The beasts of misled lust and endless rides
(no, you misled goody two shoes, again, you lied!)
No such thing as too long a ride!
Just a hooking one, a toxic kind
One that binds you, and gives you nothing back

The beasts of too many things inside
The beasts always outnumber the nice
But the nice shines brighter than all that

So, **** love
let it fly free
such was its design
such beauty it is

And love says,
"you can't ****** me"
you feel it in your hands
you can't just slay this
**** the creation, **** the crippling monster
that maims and kills!
but not the thirst
You had to **** love first
so it could spring
And every now and then
the twisting begins...
be aware! be sharp! be quick!
Let love live! You know what it means

And she said,
"I don't want love anymore,
I'm tired of men"
And I could feel all those words, girl...

And I said
"Let's spend some time
in an empty land
become women going our own path"

Who needs love and all the pain
such thing it entails?
Let's go to sleep
have hot dreams
that need not to be fulfilled
Let's curl up and be
Let's escape, let's ******* live
Let's spend time for us to heal

This is a plant that needs almost no water
but it needs it in fact
How to keep up? Solve this out

Won't May go please away
It's getting long and dreary and insane
Counting down the days
To see your face, speak your name
Tell you what it has been
Be together again.

And never repeat the mistakes we had
And rejoice in our love which always was.
Yesterday I saw it clear, we could be back
Please, make it happen this time!

I love you so much - this I know
won't we come back - take away this gap
Baby, baby, baby,
never more be afraid of us

We will not break up - this I know
This is the thing lingering in my thoughts

My life is being  changed in so many ways
Silence and sound, everything gravitates
Silence when I'm full
Silence when I choke
Sound when I'm in heaven
when I'm in your arms
Silence and sound
Hidden but always present

And I feel too good to frame it
into a song
But something's missing then,
something's just a little wrong

I see the world
I see for miles
I'm stuck, I cannot write
But I could fly

I am seeing a different side
I haven't been so happy in a long time
I think...
I haven't been more conscious
that art is needed but so is life

The words flutter in my head
Life does!
But it dies in my guts
But it never fully dissolves
You are always who you are
That's the best thing
That's the worst.

There is something I cannot catch
something's on its way to sprouting
I better water it
I better empower it
Even if I feel dead sometimes

I did not come but I saw the world
Gotta know so called love won't get you far
But maybe it's the only way out
of this hell where I am now
Lost in the airport, waiting to arrive home

How to push my head out of this smothering hole
or is it a womb?
Oh God carry me to my destination.
I am tired of being here lost in the airport.
Lost in my thoughts.

I did not come but I saw the world
and I saw my sad attempts, my getting lost

Can't wait to kiss you
Can't wait to get over this

The fear that ****** me down
I can see the puzzle falling into place
all of my dysfunction, all the maze

How to run away from the smothering embrace
of all those things that want to take LOVE'S place
hiding themselves, in fancy clothes and paillettes

So much **** to work on
I don't even want to look at
But running away forwards, backwards
never helped anyone

I need my trip down the rabbit hole
I need to know
But what I really need -
A black fly interposed in my thoughts

This clarity
without a meaning
This empty vision

A world of ******
but no ***
Just a hole - clogged

Just a vessel - drained
Just desire - with pain
What did I do to deserve?
God - take me away from here
I deserve my slice of "It"

Blue-eyed dream
tastes like candy, looks so sweet
but my teeth rot because
it's not him

Who invigorates you after the dark
who kisses you in forlorn alleys
who lights up your fire
who do you think of at night -

The dark waters I know
the sweet moments I hold
He's pure light, he's love
Yet something is off

And when the former He I kissed
I simply exploded, fire works in me
He's a dream, I can't even think
but he's a fantasy - it is not real

Who is real, though?
Which is the path I need to take
not to stay in this ache

Oh man you hurt me so much!
I love(d) you so ******* much
But you got stuck, you froze
I got anxious, heavy, lost
But I can't stop thinking about us
Are we called to our Judgement?
Are we the Sun again?
Are we becoming the World?

He's good, he sends some chills
But he is not you, not as quick
the hit!

Love - the word to ban
Love - the thing to work out
Love - the solution, the knot
Carry it in your pocket, run away from love!

We began to dream one day with a kiss
But it's getting obvious this is just a heavy dream
This candy is lethargic and lulling
Makes us full with nothing, and...
He's winking me from the other side
Who's winking at those blue eyes?

We've got lives before us
We were complete before the start.
Much more exciting and realer than this -
we are on a ride I know will die.
You had your **** hard.
I had a photographer man.
(who makes me hot in turn)

So we are dreaming and it keeps us going
but a dream is not real and it will have to get gone one day.
I will get back to him, my root of desire.
At least, such is my wish.
You will get back to yourself - away from me in a way
and my smoke and my mirrors and my steam
I don't want you - but the dream makes me want to blow you
a kiss.

If you think I am going to put up with that ****
You are wrong; I won't
If you wanna ditch me you should be strong
And tell it to my face, break my heart in just one step

If you think I am going to let pass weeks
without your kiss
If you think that I will be waiting here
that I will be at your feet
that you can play me with ease
you are wrong, dear

And it will hurt indeed
but I can get out of this
I will live in my room or spree-**** the world
but my heart is marked by you alone
Have you ever been in love with me at all?

Only time will tell as it it always the case
Been two years waiting for the end
..but you've said it's okay, we can try
there is no use in crying
I have to trust you, it's my good vow
to put all my heart in just one card
my gamble to stay alive

You were the answer - for some years
Now the tunnel opens up - trembling fear

And I think of going back to us
like a bandage
or some days, a message even from above.
like God and his army playing drums
And I know you are the core,
and I believe in love...

But no way to go back to such time.
Because you did me wrong.
Girls in your phone.
Not caring about this anymore.

But...your eyes lost in mine.
the rush everytime you come to mind
The peace you gave - so shaky in the very last times

No easy answers now - there never were!
You, simply, were not the answer
that I deserve
I will fight till I break - this is it right now
And you can't run away
Gotta take the road - far from the house we called home
Only God knows -

You were a casualty of love.
Nature is cruel like that.

Began like a summer flirt,
a cheap thrill
never got further than that
although I broke your heart

Fell for your words, fell for the speed.
Sleeping in your bed, had to kiss you first.

But everytime you got closer to me
you said I couldn't come
You're hanging on to a dead dream
One that squeezes you tight
Nature is cruel like that

And now I know my place
now my soul is spilled through my throat
now my body shakes unvoluntarily in his arms
I happen to break your heart.
A few words in Whatsapp
"I let you go", you say

Nature is cruel like that.
You let me go!
But you were not the one.
I didn't choose.
It was nature, channeled through me...

Beautiful meaningless thing
Little pretty ephemeral flirt
A vacation from myself
on the ship

Temporary - like a tattoo at the pool
in the heat, wet from your bath
this too shall pass,
but do things die?

Temporary - the pain
temporary - the Sun's rays
they will hide away
only to come back again
both the peaks and the rock bottoms
will dissolve, will end

Are they real? What is real?
temporality should be your glee
take it easy, take it light
you'll prevail

Temporary - this feeling of despair
Temporary - because it does not stay
Temporary - this **** that I can't take
Temporary - no more, no less
"what did you expect?"

Everything's temporary
like lost heartbeats that add up
to the melody
like footnotes that carry all the meaning
everything's ephemeral, but...

ah...

in the amidst of time
something sticks out
wait a minute
maybe death isn't real
maybe this is for keeps
and eternity is not a full fib
maybe I will exist
if I forget while I hold
my temporality

If you catch me...oh God if you do!
I can't assure I will resist you -
(I think of it quite often, I do)

We will walk calmly down the street
have a drink or two
but if the night approaches in a forlorn alley
and your hand reaches for my body
I can't assure I will turn you down - won't say no

You are the key, even if the lock is not yours
You are so hot - I can't resist

Is this true or is it just me
resisting change, resisting the end of this

If you catch me - I don't know what will be
But I can't stop thinking
about you whispering "I love you" in my ear
Even if it's not real.

Growing up, growing out
is so hard
because you have to break down
the *** where you grew up
the *** you were placed on
A bonsai that might end up on the psychiatric ward
feeble, lost, not knowing her true call:
A big tree that they try to contain,
not aware of the harm
But life always wins, if you just let it come
(I am beautified, the sea flowers on my crotch)

What feeds me is death to your eyes
But my diet makes me gleam and shine
Can I put up? Can you take that?
Can we coexist? Do you see my branches
big, healthy, beaming with the Sun's fire?
My private glow, you can only see the rays
but it's enough for me, I want nothing else.

I need you to stop being the canvas
Where I throw my bunch of pain
I need you to stop being honey
so I can taste you again

I have filled this so much with crap
Without being aware at all
How to proceed now
When you were just a button
of love's eternal blossom

I saw the departure points
the paths of my own brain
And I will do anything in my hand
to reverse the curse I've been cast

This poem goes nowhere
I said once,
ditch it all, burn burn burn

But you can't go back
you can only fix what's done
the only good thing
the only bad thing
often they are the same

It wasn't truth, or enlightenment
what made me see angels
and things
Was it? was it?
It wasn't but a low tide flooding it all
It's not truth, or enlightenment
what is making me write these words
It's pure pain speaking, the pattern now I spot
It's terror drowned in doubt - or the other way around
It is not truth, or enlightenment, although it looks so
what makes me run away
It is something I cannot fathom well
The answer must be somewhere else.

Words came back to me
what does it mean?
The solution is in black and white
The truth I cannot touch

I became a mute, speaking the language of
flesh
Nothing left to say
I became a mute back in the day
No words needed, for there was no pain
I could not take
But now I speak again, now I'm back home
(Is home where you been born?
Am I daughter of hell
or just got there by fate)

But now I have a pile of poems
and impressions
in absence of something better
Poetry is always the remedy
but first, there must be a bruise

This too shall pass
and we'll rejoice in the sun

It does not hurt
I've grown a protective skin
not a shell at all
But I can't hide that little sting
deep down

I admit my share of the weight
So I worked on it, and landed
to a more luminous place

I am a new woman
it does not hurt I said
Now my eyes have changed
but my brain is essentially the same
And the pain remains

Now I live for me, myself and I
(and who do I fool with that?)
and God I've grown up so much
But sometimes I must admit
my skin and its corrective balm
they break down

it's a bitter victory
over myself
it's an ironic smile
that burst into laughter
between the legs

It's painful it's different
it's saving me,
because they simply won't
And yet the truth is one
And the Sun...
what we all chase

There is nothing
***
cannot fetch for me!

I open my eyes
I touch God
I see stars
I see the dark
everything fits
I shake
at your touch

Like a gulp of loaded water
Like a violent flash
Restoring the chaos
in my heart
Everything in place
supernovas - through the maze

It's your love
It's the power I've got
It's the world
channeled below

Lost link
yesterday
it hurts

Being so close
to touching heaven
then falling from...
and the anxiety to get it

it works the most
when not trying at all

And I am amazed at you
but this is not the way to do

But it is rooted in things
in all the strain
in all my disordered thoughts
I saw honey there
so I ran scared

I see the issues
and they hurt
but it's needed to see through

So I will have to destroy the roots
carefully
carelessly

Learn slowly
this is the way
You've never been full
your always half empty cup
Now you are
In a new land

She called me at 13
I was trapped in the most deep
where life itself shines like fireflies
Turned into stars all of my fears!
I heard the calling; a change to be made

She's losing her mind - she's going too far
She's burning up - she's breaking down

So I painted my eyes black
and hung an LGBT flag
I got an account in the web
Started releasing things.
My playlists became punk,
Reading poems, I cried in class.
Started crying too in the back of cars.
Still I was holding to my old crap
because the dark oh there it was!
But my truth started poking its head,
knocking my door.
"You can't turn your back on me anymore"
Go down, go down, choke, choke
You will come out, you will come out.
I gave you metaphysical pleasure,
metaphysical pain.

Poetry, you left me when I left myself
Life was going to be hell, but you'd be there
The call of the wild - that's you
Pushing me forward, balancing me - you always do

And people around scared of me
So was I, indeed.
The call of the wild - I never heard you, but at times
Your voice screamed loud
But I can see you, in the old photographs
A ******, struggling - just like now
And now you are back - you show your shy weird face
An untamed flower shows its head - caress her

My emotions
they are the crux
they are the compass I need
but a little breeze
can **** up the thing
and I just begin to drift

And I don't reason anymore
I just feel things to the core
I just become my heart

My emotions
they seize me
I can't just get rid
I really would not want it
they hold all the power
they make me lose it too
but without them what would I do?

I feel the heat
I feel it all
and I can also freeze
Tearing me down, building me up
My emotions drink
from a well I do not know too much
I just get caught
They are my daily grind
my daily ray of light

They drive me mad and they are my sane half
How to put up with such a way of life

How to sum up what I feel
only now I had you (in a way)
I dare to write it

Who are they? To judge what I deem best
What can a professional ******
tell me about steamy beds?
Who are they? Anyway
I thought they were my friends
But I always confuse terms -
(my story is the story of the confusion
of a girl)

And why am I bound to them
was it fate
was it chance
it was years I felt this unwell

Confront your fears
but run away
from beasts

I float away
right now
I wish I floated on
your arms
It hurts it hurts it hurts
I am torn
Back to the old
I felt strong -

Just drop me a line
or a word
that will be enough
and if not
it does not matter,
no OCD in this heart.

Just love, love, love
and all those pretty things
they seem to be unaware of
I will open their eyes
But I am this alien,
I can't fake it

I have no reason to be mad
and I am not at all
Are you kissing
another girl?
We have no control over each other's
not so far

I have no reason to get suspicious
because you are not my man
But I can't help wondering
about what you do right now

Anyway, I won't ask you
I have no right to
But it's fun how we become
jealous right when things haven't even begun
It's just an afterthought I had, it's only fun

What drove me here?
It's pleasure with a knife
I was doing so well
Why did I have to **** up
Who to blame?
Is it the pornographic hell -

And you, you lie there
I want you bad
What is the secret to get out of the maze?
A pressure, a pressure on my chest
And *** is there, but it's not the ******* same

I was doing well,
what happened then?
Do I need a lover, or a nurse?

I seriously do not want to drown
But what is the answer then?
I am drowning maybe, anyway -
I was doing well.
But I won't let myself be ****** under
again

An ******, a God's kiss
is never a thing to miss
but it seems to have lost
the sparkle and the bliss