A world boiling isnide
Killer, savior - her mind

Oh her! Oh me!
So full of magic, so close to tears
Oh me! Oh me!
I look back, always ending up here
So broken, so burst at the seams
So tattered, so battered, so sick

I was going psychotic - no one knew
Not even me, less of all you
You lost your ability, your passion, your pain...once
You won't do it twice.
I lost myself years ago - can't go back
Save me - first of all, save your own ***

I was the psychotic child
sitting in the room crying alone
I was the psychotic child
No friends, drowning, being
just nothing
wandering in a maze of her own
so terrible, so hideous, so much...
but I will never give up
My body is full of mayhem, full of stars.
Will it unravel? Will the lights go out?
This is when the prayer comes
God, do not let me die
God, you can hit me, but please...
be good to me
Spare me the mask
Spare me the pain
Spare me the maze
I've been here already for years.

Had a vision
High on music and thought
It flickered, not clear enough
But I had a vision about us

Had a vision - where will it lead?
Where will it go? Like a
it heals my self-bruised heart

But still I am stressed
But still I am there!
Still things I don't understand!
But still I'm struggling
The vision guarantees nothing
So much chaos inside
And philosophical, earthly lack

Had a vision - high on life
It's all I want, my soul's desire

Before the war
the sun shone
somedays there are clouds
but that's life

Now we are in the war
I found the metaphor
ugly enough

No use in thinking about the world before
For now is all I've got
But history never hurts
and helps us see
where we are

Every door I knock
it's closed
Who to blame for

I seek the answer
But I'm deaf
to myself

Who the **** am I?
All I love
becoming obsessive and heavy
Reason won't ease this pain
Heart has totally tangled it up
Total state of war
how can I stop it

Your arms, your arms,
your love, your love
Did I **** it? My hotline to the world...
I need to let you know
that I love you so
but I am at war, war, war

It seems impossible, that this be over.
Yet it hurts, so it's not the answer.
I've been here before, when I was lost.

I try to think of something positive,
but the black always comes back for me.
It gets in the way of everything.
My thoughts are not mine again.
And I get this sickly pleasure
in the war
I see the wounds heal
and I start to think
that it brings me joy to be here

I am so tangled up.

All I wanna do is to walk through Madrid with you
Do you? Do you?
Like a child waiting nervously for Santa Claus
Come on, let me out!
Crying when she gets not toys but coals.
Nervously listening to nervous songs.
There's a shadow on her heart, and endless love

The child throws a tantrum when she doesn't get love.
The woman becomes a younger one.
She was eager to taste.
She's lost.
And then he comes and soothes her
with words
in the absence of arms

All I wanna do is share life
with you
No further questioning: I know you do too
And so do I,
despite
my million ties

I can feel the magic
My schizotypal thoughts get the best of me
No tarot cards, no divination tools
No crystal ball, only my all
I carry the power inside my heart
I am a complicated machine: I don't wish any other thing

This happened because it carries a meaning
I guess in the end it all makes sense.
My schizotypal being sometimes makes me high
Feel patterns behind my own eyes.

I listen to the rhythm of the universe
slow and fast and weird (and self referential of course)
indescribable but so close
and so beautiful in the days of sun
and so deep when the torrential rains come
and tears of joy, and shrieks of love
and a rhythm you can't stop!
and always there
alive
telling you to stay
to carry on fighting
to hear its song
whispering your name

Tick, tack, the clock.
No messages yet.
Bad thoughts.

I am way too used to this.
Is it my mother's? Is it me?
I know she means good.
But she tears me down in every move

I've been reading papers
Been playing songs.
Trying to understand, stop
The toll of love.

I've been wondering
where the ****? and who?
I've started feeling my chest hurt,
I've felt not good. (What can I do?)

I think it's my mother's words,
Her dependant ways undermine my world.
She was adamantly defensive
from the time she knew he was old

I've been fighting
this **** real long
and I am not willing to give it a throne.
Old thoughts stirred right now
Fears and things I forgot
I know better, than writing this stub.

I try to write a poem these days...
Building them of tears, cheap thrills
in my brain

Writing my heart out in a page
Because I can't find the way
Intellectual work for the scattered, helpless heart
I'll hang on the phone begging for sense
I'll hang on the phone for order -
in my mess

Oh how I thought I was over this
but life never stops, always a new risk

Oh God, save me this time
Oh God, give me back what's mine
I have questioned, who you really are?
What can I do with this wretch - my mind?
What was it? What is the meaning behind?
Read me like a tarot card.
I will open up bare like a wound that's fresh.
I will show you my guts, my everything.
This is shadow work. This is heavy load.
This is Wheel of fortune. This is part of the road.

Words came back to me
what does it mean?
The solution is in black and white
The truth I cannot touch

I became a mute, speaking the language of
flesh
Nothing left to say
I became a mute back in the day
No words needed, for there was no pain
I could not take
But now I speak again, now I'm back home
(Is home where you been born?
Am I daughter of hell
or just got there by fate)

But now I have a pile of poems
and impressions
in absence of something better
Poetry is always the remedy
but first, there must be a bruise

This too shall pass
and we'll rejoice in the sun

I was all high
And I didn’t even realize
I stare at the glass
My face, but not my mind
And I see the surgeon I was
Only with tears and headache this time
Everything dissolves in life
Every hint of disorder dies.
Everything breathes in contact with soil
Everything suddenly is suffused with joy
A hurtful joy, that fears its demise.
But ah, such is life. A dance with death all the way!

Today I drown, today I shake
Today the sky looks grey, and I feel in pain
Although I fear my soul knots again.
I drowned my head in the water, just in case it hurts.
(I better solve my problems with this move)
Poetry, I love him, I wish I did not sometimes!
Poetry came to me slowly, like a light.
Maybe a searchlight, because of the dark.
And the pain I could not take, poetry would do her share.
Maybe I should portray her like a lover, and make her a man.
Or do I forget?
I broke up with my boyfriend because I needed to breathe lines,
Angels whispered in my ear it was about time.
And the final answer was I needed his body against mine.
“You’ve been there before, *****, you’ll make sense of this”…

It might be gone,
but today I grab my raincoat and wait for the worst.
No rainbows, but this song.

He opened my eyes
making me see the sewers of my own heart
He did nothing, I did it all
Artiom's spell made me see my faults
And I see, my own deep ****
My loose ends, my yearning to feel!
He did nothing, I did it all
Artiom's appearance - like a mirror to my soul
It's just a bell ringing - from the meaning of the world
It's just a reminder - be careful, watchful with the road
It's Artiom's presence
not himself, just a token from above
And I rise from the floor
And I can feel it flow
But I know this is not what I'm made for
It's just the message
sent tonight by the gods
Artiom - just six letters sounding good
Nothing more!

Life had began to flow, and you got used to
But here's the basal, hidden you, the source of your demons
Here's the knot, here's the doubt
Remember you were born in hell - but you left the place
And now home is your man's arms,
all the sweetness inside.
Home is where the heart is, even if it hurts.

I saw a star in the sky
My sky which was absolute, pitch black
with only a few signs of life
Nothing like witnessing his star
Nothing like us
And after years of light
the star is loved -even more- as it has been
but the eyes are used to the nurturing shine
no more a never seen
it's just a different thing to see
but beautiful as it is

growth hurts - stretching your limbs
to the sky is what you need
but the expansion aches, your skin gives
you wear those marks for a little time
And those things which don't grow,
die
So there's all the use in trying

Growth in summer - beauty explodes!
But a winter below
No winning without growing first
And I have to leave the training wheels
like a kid in love
Is this the only way out?
What should we do next?
Shiny new gun came in the mail,
but now new rails for this train.
And we are still the aim.

So now, I am at a crossroads,
take my hand, rejoice in us.
So now, I don't feel much good,
endure the winter with me. It's less cold.

I don't know where the road takes
but I know it's a good place
With or without you, I will manage.

Growth - now I am awake
I won't ever sleep again.
The world's too bright for me
to close my eyes

It doesn't exist so far
but in my mind I have pictured it all
If we want to, we can
(I guess)

Won't you come to Copenhagen with me, baby?

We've already been there, in Wonderland
Won't we come back, and call the whiteness back?
I think of you and I alone
I think of a world just for us
And I shiver in my chair
I know I want to be there
I know I belong there, in your arms.
In your body, in your realm.
In your bed.

I want to be close to you
I need to be whole by sharing my core
but not with anyone
just you, my love...

A communion of us
awaits
Pure love
Won't you come with me to Copenhagen baby?

A crime - to obstruct the shine
Oh these people
hush their mouths, shut 'em down
**** their noise that impairs
the eternal sound

Oh, they are the worse!
They keep the white from being born
breaking like dawn
All the chatter clatters, clutters around
And mixes up with my heart

Oh **** these ugly stricken thoughts
-they are yours!-
thoughts leading to unrest
Oh **** your evil doppelganger
oh **** these judging strangers

I'll hide in bed with you
We will be saved from doom

Because love is that intuition
stemming from reality, it is the a bright feeling, a clear sum
Not the fear-driven gut
that belongs to your family
Not the hysterical bout
that shatters -for a moment- the world
Intuition is heart and mind, to each other bound.

And I learnt about whiteness in your arms
I learnt about life.
**** that stupid, unflowing stranger ***** outside.

He broke me whole
put my pieces back in with a blow
He broke me whole
Suddenly I awoke

He broke me whole
showed a side of me I didn't know
Cold winter, the fire has to break out
He put me on the road
but first, he broke me whole

And no I don't thank him for all the **** he's done
And I know well it ain't love
Not even lust!
He broke me whole
the eternal me forming out of the dust

He broke me whole
but ah, I was the bubble to burst
He did nothing at all
I did it all on my own
I broke myself whole
to rearrange my heart
Love always will tear you up
so you can see what's up
Love is like a kick inside
making sense of what never had
Love is speechless. Like heavenly white.
All word-pregnant, no need to pour out.

I saw the tower which grown tall
Fall down, fall down
And my father making things hard
everything dies, this I know right
and running to the refuge of my friends
because I have lost myself
I saw my insecurities adding up
to the pain I nursed inside

And today I could not forget
all the things you said
And you weren't there today.
And I have been here before
so I go into the archive ways of my heart
I can't help but never forget
and I dig my own grave once more
They create a hurt inside
And all of a sudden, I was high,
surprise!

High on thoughts of leaving
High on a way I could not fight
High seeing a world without you
My friends and me, talking online.
And I saw the jigsaw fit
But I was high, could I see?
I am an empty vessel without you. Am I?
It wasn't the spell of freedom
but the spell of rushing
Rushing things. A rush in my blood.
Quicker than I thought.
But watch:
wave pain goodbye.
wave fight goodbye.
wave life goodbye.

I am drowning in doubt
in anger, in tears, in words
They come to my head, but ah
why does the pain make you high?
Can we survive the tide?
The tide of our honesty.
This is going to break us in two.
Love opens a hole, you are no longer whole.

Be aware of the wires
isolating your soul
The wire is only a tool
not somewhere to hide
You've been hiding your whole life
Until right now you saw the light
The september moon makes me mad
But I help myself swim the tide

I buy my own tales
I fall for my ****
No matter what happens
I will always find a bad omen
on it

If the moon is darkening
my canvas this time...
Death is lurking in the shadows I know
It's been months I feel her close

Be aware of the wires
that tie you like tight rope
and seem to come from your true heart
but how to hike this landscape
without all my untasty vices

I feel so stupid
I feel so out of place
I feel so out of myself
Careful, careful with health
Careful with homeostasis
It surely kills if not handled well

I created this paradise
and now I feel weird on it
It's still mine, still nice
but there is a little yet itchy catch
that leaves me bitter while I write

But maybe it's the september moon
a wheel of fortune
in evil hands

Now you slip in and out
of mental states and thoughts
that you can't describe
but surely are breaking you up
You'll win in time
you can never lose that game
you never lose the bet
in life

Jung, Nietzsche, Schopenhauer and me
Lost in translation - lost in the sea
Wandering in the corridors - deathly, sweetly
A rolling wave threatens my head - I fight it this way

The embrace of her philosophy teacher
satisfies her
She's a spark; she'll be on fire
but no one seems to see what goes inside her
Philosophy lover because there's nothing else
than going over and over about the meaning and the pain

Beautiful alien philosopher! Her lover says
but she's so kept to herself
She knows the world by books, not by contact or sense
Now she waves goodbye those days
Where philosophy grew strong but life went astray
and so philosophy lost its way
She craved living, but living didn't take her hand
She was a ticking bomb, could be that

But I declare
you can know the world by wire.
It's like knowing the world
from behind a curtain
Through a glass, in a map
Although I know the accidents
first hand.

So in the end it's philosophy and me.
Growing flowers from concrete.
A definite kind of beauty
at the core of everything

He is hot and ***** and menacing
like the naked flame of sexuality
But ah, the girl has cravings
He is dangerous and a threat, maybe
A few ***** dreams to fulfill
But ah, the girl played with him

He might be filthy, in fact
A love affair so low, so black
like Lo and Humbert on the car
She is confused but not abused
Very different things, these two
Try to make her a victim
she refused

She is fatherless
She killed him before he could **** her
So Daddy comes to save the day
She has a hole in her heart
He drinks from her fountain
of youth, of blood

And they go around, they dream on
Sad sad dream by wire
Giving both of them life
Her parents would choke and so would
his wife

She didn't die and he didn't ****.
They simply carried on with their lives.
Now they chat on Signal like old friends
with a past to hide, both of them

I can feel - energies flow
I developed an eye for something that doesn't show
Maybe it's just earthy magic
Magic of the everyday - maybe the only to account for

I can feel - energies flow
and they go
And I am afraid because I'm not in control
I am deeply afraid of it all
Then I see a sign above of my head
"You are not connected to the source"
You don't control anything of this

That was it!
I'd rather be smiling than writing this poem
In the amidst of bad, bad omens!
That was it!
The problem is within
As is it always is
That was it!
Something is dislocated, out of place
The september moon makes me mad
But today I had your arms
and I suddenly know better where I stand

Throw away the growth
I can only see the path of love
I discovered the world
in a twist of luck
and I am going to die if it's needed
for the only thing that ignited

I have seen something,
and I just needed you to show me.
I knew it, but ah, like everything this week,
I got swept by it.
Throw away your tarot cards and reject your horoscope,
put out your organized spells and put out your crystal ball
for poetry is the only magic at all

Poetry is the only spell I really know
Can bind or can let go.
How many tears saved, how many things known
just because of well put sentences and words!
It shows the scaffolding of world.
Exposing, watching ****** of the heart
Poetry gives me levels of peace and levels of me
Oh those poor ones who can't see
My night vision - both a curse and a gift
My metal legs - the corolary natural of it

So, stop looking for magic in things
and looking for guides where there is nothing.
Magic lives in your every day scenes
if you are clever enough to see
Poetry is magic, the only I really know
With power enough to bring me gold
from the depths of my soul

So look a little deeper next time
and acknowledge
magic is as close as your hand

Bunch of weirdos - that's what you are!
You click with me - must be that
Bunch of lights around my heart
Surviving life on Earth - side to side
Relaxing chocolate in winter
and with you the clouds
are still threatening but - your words
I can grasp
an answer in the blackness - I see peace

Bunch of chances that I came across
For fate, God's design or just my luck
Uniting souls, we don't need to ****
We are beyond and below those sacred sweet bonds
I show you my colors, and you show me yours.
Talking about our lives, we flow, we flow, we flow.
Around my core.
You all share a piece of who I am
Different words, different worlds?
You give coherence and form and stability and sweet camaraderie
to the real bunch of things here: ME!

The cards said, "be strong"
Hold on to your heart, the old broken mended one
You'll be a bit upside down, Queen of Cups
Some things could be ****** up
but your dexterous hand will defeat them all
All the demons, little nuisances out there
Nothing love, true love can't save

She bewitched terror and distilled it into power
We didn't choose the outcome; but the outcome was the answer

It will be a tough time, but you can.
Is it true, is it any good?
The reading hovers - as a promise I'll get through

You could not chew my secret
It got stuck on your throat
I could not chew it either myself
but you made me choke
I was alone: the secret was my own.

I lost you due to myself
All the illness and perplexity
in my brain
If I am crazy now, you are partly to blame.
But ah, maybe I shattered myself.

You had a knife in your tongue - almost murdered me with it
I had a bruised soul - almost died of your harsh stroke

It's a wound I must handle with care
It is usually not gone, always lurking there
It only healed by itself and the warmth of the air
With your lips kissing it tenderly every day.

And I've seen you - first love (girl)
and I haven't cried
but I did afterwards
You broke my heart when I barely had one
You killed me when I was about to be born
But you couldn't.
I stand strong
and after years of solitude
I TOUCH MY BODY AND I FEEL GOOD

And now I am here
reborn
after the hurried abortion of myself
when I was young

I've been through mock hell.
I will never ever forget.
It wasn't real, but it could have been
All the anguish that I've seen

I saw the Devil - once
but I've been in hell - several times
how black my world looked
how much **** you put me through

And i've learnt something different in this trip
Fake but so ******* real to me
About philosophical knots
entangled with needs of the heart.
About needs of men and women - sacred like stars
about death, about life and heavy laws
and poisoned with rotten judgement and weights cast from above
Unresolved doubts. No one holds the truth.
Not me. But not you!
Was it me? Was it you?
Too much - did I ever chew?
Too much - did I settle for?
What to do? Hard, hard to know.

And now the blood be dropping (between my legs)
And my mind got back on its rails.
But God does really put things out there,
to show you sides of the game.
hey *******,
I've been through mock hell
and it was enough
to see y'all face.

"Girl you got this"
Your desire you might get
If you work hard, put yourself out there
A capitalist poem? I must be out of myself!

Dreary poem, this is.
Like true life - **** this ****.
I am Philip Larkin today
Or at least I try to be.
Misplaced in space, a nice wound in my head.

Girl
With her head buried in papers
Struggling hard, prey to Amway beasts
And lowpaid jobs and pocket misery
Let's **** this ****. Get rich.
A **** me hard, all I really need.

Girl
With no money and too many needs
You've got freedom but you lack the wheels
To drive you away from here

And this fight for a penny
Makes sense because we are. Sad system this one!
Our promised land...even if we break up.
I'll rename it, claim land back.

Girl
Lost in a tough world
Stay your ground.
She knows
The meaning and the key
Is simply love
And for what love can't afford
(None of them really blissful things)
Hard work, and luck
(None of them glee)

D for diet, D for death
I see the future - makes me shake
If you take from us our bed...

I know life will find a way
to pull you away from me
it will wrap you with tender hands
that we will call "her"
to make you love another instead
because life is playful like that
life has no limits, life knows no inhibitions
life tangles things as she desires
life is unstoppable - are we?
I know you make me be it

D for diet, D for death
one thing will carry to the other
even an end has an start
Diet will lead to death
Starvation will follow down
that's why I wanted to drink you up
while we still could live up
I can do anything for you.
I will do anything you ask me to.
I fell for the trap, it is more than done
I fell too deep, no turning back
I fell in love
with you

Girl 18 diagnosis unknown
possible BPD but we don't know
This year I broke down
Starting roaming around stations and places
Looking for a place to heal my bruises
What bruises? I can't tell anymore
So numb, so sore
A year that meant too much
you can see the toll in the lines in my arms
you can see my eyes are sick without love
I am building a story; it wasn't me who wove it
I swallowed everything - like a sailor lost in the dark sea
that will do anything to be saved
he promises anything because he saw death
I am so lost, I don't know who to trust anymore.
Waking up every day in a haze
Sweet haze of pain!
She's Ophelia, on the make
Although she doesn't know the name
And shattered and displaced
inside
Looking so good so disturbed
Listening to Top40 songs
meaning her whole heart...
did nothing at all, yet I'm tired of everything
I know nothing, but I know all about hurt
The devil is creeping into my head
He interferes with my sleep. He kills my dreams.
I am learning to be a good girl. Even if it tears me apart.

How to talk about -broken magic-?
How to talk about twisted angles?
About corrupting fairy dust
Disintegrating at the wrong touch
Making a game of yourself
Uneasiness fills the air
Dislocated time and place
Yesterday was a time waste
I shouldn't have been there

Did you ever think you are smarter
than life itself?
Somehow, girl, you were

I isolate myself because I can't stand
being in a world that knows so little
about who I am

My fears found something worse than them
It was a confession not well dealt
It was a non studied thought
with all the potential to harm, though
It's a bomb disrupting
the pattern of the heart
It's ******* that hurts

And so I shook, because I broke
thought of death and then
death didn't seem so bad to come

Symbols pass in front of my eyes
and so do tears
I see cycles, cycles of fear
And my heart stays broken at the seams.

Did you ever think you were wiser
than the deaf beat of the all-encompassing drums?
Girl, poor one, she was

And I stand dead
after all happened
or maybe just tired
because I still fight

But it's broken, it will have to mend

I've been here before
I've already sang this song
However, I float
still
it drowns

In the absence of love
in the amidst of chaos
in the throes of the heart,
I turn to Amy.
I drown.

He came to my brain
and I felt a kiss that contained pain. Strain.
I've sweat this before.
Am I a truth seeker
or a ******* one?

I could feel the fear
my million thoughts telling me
twisting me
confusing me

Some spark took the wrong track.
I can't trace well what happened then.
Disorder, disorder, disorder everywhere.
Sped up feelings, thoughts uncontrolled...
but not like the quivering fountain of love
more like a car crash.
I can't help but look at
(I am naturally attracted to the dark)

Terror, terror, misled.
He's no sugar - he is sweet sucrose
I can't think about none of them.
I'm in a catch, because of men.
I can feel reality dissolving itself,
not a good thing
Everything loses sense.
How many signals you need for this?
The sky opened, but hell yesterday did.

Beware of epiphanies
Beware of certain tears
Most of all, beware of yourself
beware your fears
"beware your subconscious
playing you tricks"

Fight fire with fire,
magic with magic

Strolling down Móstoles - I am
Going to meet my man.
The world is an omen right now
schizotypal delights
of *** - over anything else
but they are plain delights
today
The omen of joy itself
The world is perfectly untidy
The world (or me?) needs nothing but loving

Men are looking to me
and they mean nothing
but they mean everything
as I'm close to you and me
**** omens, in the street
everything is the way it should be
Perfectly in time, every beat
As I stroll around with me
in my poppy and short skirt

I am eager to meet you
and this is the prelude to us
We, that set the sky in flames
with the whispering of our names

Iron branded we are, because of our heart
She read me quickly - I pulled back
She carries a life - and so do I
You think you are a broken one
But you haven't stepped on broken glass
Haven't been to our hidden land

Our land fed by secrets and truth
You don't wear a halo on your head
making problems, making sense
Taking all the people from you - away!
And it is our reality, our double edged sword
People instantly look away the moment we're told.
A name, a word - means so much
This secret - opresses my insides
The secret burns my throat
Let it out - I'm close...
but never enough

You think you are a broken one
But girl, you are far.
It hurts?
Only when we can't show our weird pattern
to the world

When I am falling
I see the house fall too

What if the house falls?
I built it with my heart
But a question lingers
is the house and me, therefore,
false?
Is it a honey trap I am building
is it made of stars?
Will I go back into my hole, my room
and never get out my mind
(never knowing who I am)?
Will I get stuck in my ways
and be a weird -always beautiful-
flower in a crystal bubble?
Like a bonsai, so stunted

All the joy - I meant it
All the tears - I did
But a shadow of doubt
Pushing me to the comfiness of the coffin
To warm freeze, no hands in your underwear,
no fears at all, for nothing happens here
what if it's better to take again the way
of the wire, the ghosts and the stump life

...
it is whispering what if?
What if this is death too,
what if I am a moth flying to the light,
what if I am desperately on the try?
What if it ain't worth no fight?

The house won't fall so far
This path is true: unsafe but so alive
The house is on reliable rock ground
Only reaver, tortuous land, my heart
The house leads somewhere - where, I do not know

Loneliness, darkness, I held you tightly for years
Lived under your thumb so happily (I used to think)
you are life as well as you are sure death
I come back to you in the absence of something else
I want to run away but you're always close
You disguise yourself, or you simply morph...
I hide in my isolation, no one trespasses home
They'll never understand, I will never understand
I try frantically to fit but I can't
Got too lost in my head
that I cannot share

And without you I have nothing
I return back to where I really am
You're my only wire that really is
You're my free
If I could (enroscarme) in you
and just be

(I feel like I am sinking
frantically trying to breathe
I can, I can,
but today the years
go backwards for me)

I tried to refloat the boat
But maybe it's wrong
-Maybe it harbors no sense at all-
For a minute, everything glowed
But I am lonely, and I want it to stop
Do I? Is it a part of my bones?

And i wither in the prison
But ah, you broke through the door
When the loneliness hits when i'm far from home
Your love, your love, your love,
not without
a glimpse of fear, of fear, of fear.

My jaw breaks
and so does my soul
I tried so hard, so hard
Only I saved myself
by getting lost in the maze

Take me away from hell
Was I a born outcast
or just bad luck?)

I have a fear.
A thrilling pulse in me
Sometimes I shake, a foul taste in my mouth
And I wonder what this is all about
This wrong feeling, mixed with love
If we are witchcraft, I will be ******

And something surfaces out of the dark waters
Stability? Are you there?
Are you to blame?
Old friend, never knew your name

First I had the stars
First the explosions, bright in the sky
A stream of beauty, shot to the heart

Stability - I never knew you well
All I know is boredom, but she's your evil twin from hell
I am not used to happiness
I tend to mistake her
I am not used
to the canvas being stable and clear
Stability, can you hear?
That the canvas was always black for years
And I dwelled in lower ways to live...

Am I so used to storms
a grey sky can only predict thunder?
The canvas might be not bright but it's constant
Constant love being pumped
Like a drug, you won't be withdrawn
Stability, what's this?

Stability, who are you anyway?
Are you to blame
for
my insecurities (a lot)
my million fears in love
just because
I don't know your embrace
and I have to pull away?
I might get used to this
to the peace
after it

(Be not scared of my ways
I simply write about anything)

You left me "seen"
I just don't want to force things
But there's something amiss
Your kiss
And I wait incessantly for it
The honeypot came close to my lips
and finally I have nothing
"I could get used to this"
I was expecting, I know your love
but ah! I needed to be told!
Where is love? When you need it
When you are waiting
with your palms open wide
and nothing falls this time
from the sky
I know - it's with us
So answer, answer, answer now
Let me, let me know
I love you, love you so
I was waiting for your love, but ah, you left me seen.

(And I know this is nothing
I know it with my heart
but this is a worldwide feeling
in times like ours. It's not so painful,
not such a big thing,
just a little pimple,
an itch!)

Finally, we all settled down.
And things make sense only now.
(May God **** me if I ever settle down
the way they do!)
Jobs and kids
We've got lives, at least
There's nothing I'd rather wish!
Miraculous, and so ******, it is
We became "adults" - but some of us
are caged still like kids
like birds
who sing

Finally, we got a path
We sowed what we reaped,
but life hasn't been a ***** - to us
We all got over those ugly years
Where you sold yourself and I drowned in fears

If we meet, what will be of me?
If you look at me,
you will see a freak,
(in all senses of it)
It's no surprise - we got only who we are
I'd **** to know what's on your minds
On the sad place, where our dreams got crushed
I see it floating like debris on the water
Did we really got over? Are we still indebted to the past?
Was it true what we did then - was it a mistake we should pass?
Like an old skin that, oh, snakes shed
Are we the same snake at all? I am, and I am not
This mystery of the self

Finally, we grew up
Who are we? Was it a tryout?
An existential tryout for us

Finally, we are out.
I do not wish to be back.
But I can't help to look back
And I have a weird feeling in my heart,
when I see who we are now,
this was a winning hand!
that things only get better
if you learn to wait in time

Why do I feel like this?
I feel you away from me
Have I fallen too deep?

Now everything's fine
are we close to die?
This pressure in my chest
this loneliness

And it's not up to you
and neither up to me it seems
that loving you carries
of sufferment a little tear
It wasn't like this
it is my fear, beating strong
killing me

And this fever consumes me
it's heavenly, are you ill too?
And my desire runs deep
All I need, all I need

Why do I feel like this?
(should be doing CBT)
I try to understand
I try to find some peace
I know your love for me
is strong
but sometimes I just can't see it

I missed the beat for years
I had to find my own feet
to then move to it
The cheerful, the moving
-life itself-
I kept myself away
And how to make up for the wasted years
I have an alibi - I was about to break
if not already burst
now I see the sun
But no tears - now it's my time
now I will shine
now my waiting is done
Stayed inside, always inside
Rejected life as a motto
Now the beat intoxicates my soul
Now I can't stop
I rode this, I won't let go

Why you have to act like that
Oh it hurts much!
You don't see what I see through my eyes
Because you are blind to us
You paint it black, you bring me down

You feed my fears - you make me sick
Mom don't lend me your eyes today
I need my own mind
to save myself

(And there's the tingling in my legs
which is my most sacred secret)

It's always the same reaction on
But we are in love, like it or not
There are more things than what you can conceive
I am bigger than this, your mind is caged up

Let me be abused this time
Let me be his ****
Let me keep on riding
I am looking at the sun
And the moon, and oh, the stars

Borderline feeling
Sleeping in my bed all alone
*******, ******* - because I love you so
The darkest reverse of love
Love and aggression - talking tonight
They are opposites of the same hue
They look in the eye

Borderline feeling - they call it love
Life is the craziest ride
you've ever rode

There is a slant of dark
leaking, dripping to my heart
There is an obscure chest pressing feeling
I can't seem to kick off

My fear is harboured inside
My slant of dark never leaves
It can be distracted but never flees
I have to think carefully about this

Why the slant of dark is pressuring me?
Taking away my glee
I have reasons to laugh, to breathe
But the slant of dark curbs my bliss

I feel like I have fell too deep
for you
I feel helpless
because I can't stop

The slant of dark drowns me in night
Makes me cry, feel unloved, feel bad
What is the secret to handle
the slant of dark
is it warning me? is it ******* me up?
is it wisdom? is it dumb words from mom?

She has a core
A focus, her focus is real
But her focus is gone
Her focus violently said No
Her meaning went off

She hasn't been ripped
She's a vacant impulse
Her focus is dislocated
how wrong
How sad to see her heart!

Her focus won't come back
It hurts, it hurts, it hurts
Love opens doors and closes them behind
Her focus won't let her be
She frantically fights, advices not to love too much
because she did
She puts up with my glory and feeds me still
Because her glory is gone,
When your focus points to a dead end street
I can feel you girl, your tragedy of love
When the meaning is gone,
And you chase the sun desperately
But the sun is not enough
The sun doesn't shine as bright
The sun is dimmed, simply not calling out your name
The sun lacks something, you run away
And everything is pointless today, even the sun rays

Loneliness - I carved you with my hand
And life made you to my size
I wasn't even aware of it
I hate you, I love you to death

My life is an empty notebook
A few names written by chance
That I never really invited there
People that bypassed hell

People that were with me
although I was not with them
Too much **** going on in my head
back then

But I do know it's not simply luck
as nothing really is
You are getting engraved like stone
With the rocking rhythm of the years.
(like the sea)

And I wish to break the spell
but it's not easy
being a cupcake amoeba
plus a tube of pills

Loneliness, I bred it on my own
But it's not my fault
I know the answer, not very well
but
it's not the way it was

Loneliness - or rather aloneness
you are the way I am
Aloneness - but
Loneliness - kick you away

I love you
It's all calm inside
But there's a dormant beast
In my guts
Is it yours? Is it mine, love?

Love and aggression
Loving you with a shade of rage
Loving you and telling you to ******* next
I try to put it to sleep
But it rages, it weeps
That sullen loving
Snapping at...anything?
The pain that I have loved you and maybe you don't
My anger is only proportional to my love
That "borderline" hue, in my soul
If I am not appealing you can send me off!
*******, you coward! My only heart
My sweet home

Got close to the place today
The place where it all began and died
It's like coming home
but coming home with a drain
coming home with a pain
A home that was only a house
Isn't everyone the same?

Tears come to my eyes
I wanna curl up and cry
when I'm back
to the place where I used to die.

Never kissed, never loved
Never listened, never grows
This is how you break a soul
Got far away, but always close
This is how you sew the hole

So much death, so much life
I was confused, but I always knew
"Why don't you kick dark off you
I can't kick myself off me, it's true"
And darkness always holds me
when no one does

Now I stand there, healed but still stirred
Because there is nothing pills cannot make
nothing love cannot save
(and I'm not ashamed; still insane!)
I could walk up there
to reconcile my love and hate
Makes (a little) sense in the light of today
Still you'd all choke on me and my man
And I would happily take that! Like you - I never was!

This is the coda to a bitter song
This is the progressive healing of the heart.
I am back - but I won't ever be.
You'll see me rise - I see.

I left a hole in you.
You left a hole in me.
I could walk afterwards,
maybe you never did
Massive explosion
Ghostly still

Tracing back the path
Who won and why?
What forces lied behind?
How does it affect
what happens now

Were we made to last
and did I **** up?

What did you mean for me?
Much less than him
now the rain falls
The mist comes
And I wonder about me, about us

Ramsdale
do you hold the answers?

The abyss looked at me
And I stared into his eyes, deep, deep
inside

And now he got a grab of my soul
Now I have to dissect what he brought
Now he ****** up my world,
no pleasure like waking up from his nightmare
in the light of love

How am I going to cope?
The wheel of fortune...superstitions
or truth above?