You were not there
to share my happiness
my moments of joy
you never made it easy to enjoy
so now you can't watch me cry
You are blind
you don't have my sunshine
and you can't grasp my dark

Yes you'll help
To pick up my pieces but
you always miss
You dry my tears
but never know what it means
and make up an explanation
that fits

Because you talk, you talk, you talk
but you never understand
what lies in our heart
those of us living far from you and Dad

I know you are good
and I thank God
but you are wrong, too

Am I falling sick again?
Can you spot the patterns?
Am I going back in my steps
Is my brain battling back
How to swim this tide
That smothers and chokes
I will be lost without your love

And I look back, I look back
into my wounds same old schemes
so obscene
I look back to find an answer
in the past
What made it break that time?
Old lovers coming back at me to haunt
Patterns, can I control?

Tarot cards and omens fly
I have a million lenses for a pair of eyes
They impair my sight
My body is reduced to my mind
And I cannot put my wings to use
And go to Earth - only truth

I forgot the path
was tough but always with a smile
I don't decide
Although something breaks inside
stirs up
refuses to die

Why I kiss death so sweet?
I have no control of this
But going back to hell
Maybe it's the only way

My brain is no good
Save me from
I am shredded to the core
And every bandage cuts more
Give me a kiss if we have to go
Don't leave like that - you made me ***

If you must leave me
then I'll let it be
I am pushing to my death
so I can breathe

I am at a lack of words
Overwhelmed by what surrounds
My war begins at home
My war is my own heart

If we must break
the tears will fall down my face
but I'll let it happen
with all my pain, but I'll be there

The last time things went this way
My brain was set to flames
I screamed, but nobody heard
Not even me, the wails went underneath

I can spot the patterns, and I stay quiet, in awe
Everything looked perfect: it was rotten though

But things do not repeat themselves like a broken record does
The clique, the clique and drinks
And strange thoughts and changes at home
My sick visionary mind catches all
Disturbing presence, uncanny feeling
in the guts
All of it true, but...

Things are not the same now
But there is an imperceptible sound
A reaction in the blood
A world to lose

The same death
The same purgatory
The same hell
All concentrated in but one second

The last time I underwent this
I nearly died
It's up to me to decide
or not
but I'll try

Do you remember
being 14
utterly lost
but found somehow

That headache
That heartache, too
(how to draw the line in them two?)
Getting turned on to anything
A politically incorrect *** machine.
Hugh Laurie - he swims in your thoughts
All the girls, anything goes
Gerard Way, Paul Dano, your cousin's husband
Come on! I wanna give you my love...
I don't care - girl or ****

Oscillating wildly
between life and death
That's where it lies
You end up on sertraline
But you can't take me from me

Do you remember
the twisted ways
of those days
I feed on them, no matter how long ago
Disentangling this - my job

Yeah, buzzin'
Like me at 14
Everything growing and withering
Violent bursting

Buzzin', but...
About to die?
I hear the drums
A symbol, life
To my eyes?
How to read the signs
Hardest task

I fear the past
All the happiness truncated
Again
By facts, by life getting
In the way

I cannot touch the core
Today
Will it be closed? Not as long as I remain here

I am high
on his song
I feel nothing wrong
but this unnatural strength in me
Letting go...

Worst case scenario: you break my heart
Worst case scenario: I tell you to *******
So what?
And I see I don't care, I've got a lot of ****

I am high on his song
I can't think straight - but great
It was invasive, like a drug shot to the veins
I feel it rush inside, this power I gained
I could dance, I really didn't care
Nothing in the world could go not my way
I saw it clear, I saw it fine
Everything's going to turn out right
Worst case scenario: we are not there
Worst case scenario: who cares

This high feeds on my tissue
This high is not real - but true
This high - I saw it good

And I'd lie
if I said I'm not afraid
Everything spins, crazy clocks
How will I jump? I will tell
All arrows pointing at my head
I risk nothing thinking of the gutter
"Anyway that's how everything ends"
The gutter never let me down
It only stopped my growth
And I am thrilled, and I am terrified
of what's coming to my side
You are on my mind
I just need things to unfold fast
Or just right...
I am at a crossroads, again
Can you take my hand?

(Afraid because I can feel death
Blowing on my neck
The end, the end
Maybe it's a mistake
And I'm saved)

She is a recycled ****** faithful to her roots, on overdrive (she thinks high)
She's a little narcissist with tears in her eyes
Sometimes

She is unstimulating dead at the core I avoid her corpse, sick to my bones
Words fail me to describe her
She inhabits a ***** smelly drawer
Her life is a string of disaster but ah not like mine
She doesn't try hard
"She's not one of us"

I thought we would be the world
but that was before
the doors
And I have tried to taper you off
Like a drug you should have never known
But you're blind and addicted and starving for love

And I shook inside
for your pain was mine
Siamese twins
Of wards and tears
But different DNA and breed

So I have to carry on fighting
and the fact it's you I hurt.
But ah, you put yourself easily
You had it coming, you see
Like a prey
And I had no idea I could ****.

All the things your mom told you.
All the old wives tales you heard.
All the fear culturally instilled.
To hell! Let's break!

All those thoughts keeping you away from the core
Deprogram yourself - before it is too late
Before the fear makes a mess

All the false reservations which are not yours
Kick them out!
Unlearn what you have swallowed all the time
Look with new eternal eyes
Look like a child - untamed, always wild
Those motions you must learn to stop
Undo them, deconstruct them till they die
They are keeping you away from life
Biggest ever crime.

I had a vision this morning - I had to deprogram myself
Get rid of futile, pointless pain
And only see happiness, the joy everywhere
Even in tears, the truth shining there
This is the most precious thing you'll ever do
Learning to wear your own shoes

My life
they'll never understand
My life
they'll never approve
be through what I am through

My *** covered stars,
my riot inside

All I've been
all I was
All I'll be - do we know?

The wall is there, to hurt and to heal
To isolate me and make me live
My crazy overflowing mind
To my hell, to my heaven I will bind
My tiny hurricanes
My knocking dreams, my nightmares
My ****** thoughts, but love
The budding *****
My ****** hair
All my ecstasy all my pain
All the things they will never get
Do you, my man?

The thrills not fully sweated
I have never been here
This is my first time, see

What is love? This is a new town
I am not used to roam
The calm separation...cutting slow
If cutting at all!

Is kisses all our bond?
It is bond enough, is it not?
Is there anything broke
we haven't spotted?
A low tide taking my soul

I think sometimes I am about to break, to faint,
to fall
But it's just the shock
of life to those who died once

[Old bitter wives tales baffling my ears
They feed on and feed all of my fears
**** them, set them free - exorcize these tears]

I fear what things might mean
I fear everything, no matter what it is
I fear, I fear, I fear
Most used verb by me!
Grow strong, grow tall like a tree
Only that way you'll be free

Both of us hurt in our own very ways
A rose in a vase, a girl in denial about herself
A tulip away from the rain
A spinster in the make
A drunk ****** in the nights
Laid on the floor hands below clothes
Waking at 3 o'clock coming alive withering slow
In a way, or not

The world is well shut to us
But we got men from the other side
Pelle, The Lance and Björn
singing our dreams that we don't have

Each of us collected to herself
Terrible sins terrible times we can't say
Guarded into our chests

This is what we were
When the world didn't speak our names
Or we rather didn't speak his
And it wasn't like we cared - we'll never be them
But crippled we were
I could have had it better
But I was stunted instead

And now I am still metal legged
but we dance, we dance

My wound starts bleeding at 10
The ecstasy, the pain
A dramatic withdrawal
leaving side effects everywhere
You left a hole in me
You are no good to me
But it is so intense I cannot think

When you come close to me
it's intoxicating
if you catch me off my guard
I get lost

do you remember emotional ******?
do you remember me obsessed
do you remember us?
the girl like a rose in a vase

And when you come close it feels odd
because you've never been here
it is a brutal inversion of the order of things
It feels like going too deep, into the spiral of being
You and I - we will never be
but ah, the shadow of what could and never is...

It is something big that makes me smile
but it's a speed i am not used to drive
it feels like coming to a home lost time ago
so much it is not your home anymore

Untidy pestilent mind after all this
I went too far, digging with words into me
Trauma crystalizing, too much I've lived

Like  a child throwing a tantrum
She's labeled a brat
Like a child that has grabbed hold
and won't let it go
without putting up a fight

First the tears came
now a whimsical anger goes
I am back to myself - 5 years again

I feel smothered when I come home
Smothered by my thoughts
All I want is your arms
All I need is us

Bitter taste in my mouth
Growing like **** rather than grass
You love me but just in your bed
It's what I fear
what holds me still

No one will shut me down
Not a lover - at all
I need to get this off my chest...

Bitter to see
how we drift apart
And it breaks my heart
Probably it's just my mind
But I am justifying you all the time

It hurts...to be away
Shame on my name
Must I endure this hurricane
Will we be destroyed or will we walk out sane

I need you, close to me
The words choke, dying on my throat
Digestion gone bad, you pay the toll
In your hammering thoughts
Growing anxiety, the wrong side of love

It stirs me - the whole thing
Always sweating a fever - or feverish
We are good, I must learn to see
The devils calling out my name
Are not voices to believe

Virgins, *****.
Same broken hearts.
Swimming in oceans of doubt.
Life has a toll.
Live it full, including the wounds,
the rush of blood

We are living off our parents.
These ******* up there are to blame
Uncertainty all over the place.
Perpetual children - but below the waist
Lies the real crux of it
We crave the sea
We have the waves, the flames

Our life is shiny like a new razor
Who is going to stop us?
We'll seize the sky
We'll **** a lot, let him take my heart
Drunk demi adolescents in a night bus
We carry risk in each step we take
But we have no time for death

You can't spare us from the danger
Because life is a gamble.
And we have to stitch our souls
We are eternal, and we are now.
There are strings of fate uniting us all.

Made of plush, steel, waste and skin.
Bleeding profusely.
Made of pills, wonder and people like me.

"My happiness is you" - say never these words
mom tells you so
but you have fell down the hole
(and so did she)

To be focused on someone emotionally
for him to be your core
and he's not focused back on you
You swing to his rhythm
You dance his song
even though you want to get rid of
you are ******* stuck

This is the inner tragedy of life
To know that you had
and you won't
To reminisce about love
feel a pang in the heart
that leads nowhere
but to blackness and dark
to be helpless
to be lost

an empty space inside
no one can fill that right
This is the inner tragedy of life
yet we can't stop singing gleefully
to the death of us

I am getting ready for the loss
with my earphones
Diving on sound
to protect my heart
Sad songs abound
So I don't fall, I don't fall
I don't drop too high
So I cry inside
For what we lost
No pain because I've got song

The beat carries me
to a gloomy paradise
where I don't hide
where things are broken
and mended somehow.

It hurts less
but it hurts the same
To lose your soul
yet
be able to write out of it
Reconciling pain
I wish this wasn't the case

And I fall down the comfortable spiral
Protection against the tidal
I might be wrong but ah! Gotta be careful
with my heart
and my mind
Not to make it the canvas
of my life

Is this insecurity?
I tell this friend of mine
We are unfolding the papers
the tight papers of my mind

(I am afraid of the paper now
it brought me once so much pain.
Was I in pain before
or was it brought by the page?)

Is this insecurity
seeking you with a muddy mind
tangling everything I find
taking the happiness from my bite
Misreading cues
and making it all look foul

What is this
No good
There's nothing I can do
But wait and see
It will show
if I was right
or sadly wrong

But it does lie in me
I gotta pull it out
Learn to live with it
"It had never bothered me
till now"

I went with the insecurity
and the fear hand in hand
until I crashed
everything was upside down
I just ****** up

Only if you are mine
the way I am
because I fell too deep
this I do feel
but this is love gone wrong
this is blackness, this is not me
but a shard
of the broken parts

I can take the fall
I can take defeat
but I cannot take
this incomplete death

I can accept it's over
you and me don't match that well
but I cannot accept
this uncertainty of everything

So please God release me
or should I release myself?
I know well the answer lies somewhere
away from the pain
or at least the black hues I'm learning these days

Not all that sparkles and peaks
is it
Not all that happens
it's real
The whiteness took my limbs, and lulled itself
to sleep, to sleep, to sleep.

Reach yourself in the strangest ways
The weird, weird timing of days!
Pay no attention to your brain
It will try to trick you anyway
"Shut my mind", I say
Free my pathways
Free me from myself

You think you can hide
who you are from my eyes
But I see for miles
what others can't perceive
I see what I can't speak

You think I don't see
but my eyes are cat eyes
You and I are each other's worst fear
I see in the dark

You think you can make me angry again
Throw my life down the sink.
I know it wasn't what you intended it to be
I cannot be flooded out by you
But I cannot let you win

Your little obsessions
that talk of your world
your authoritarian ways
that you can't easily stop
they flow out your mouth
like the air you expel with each breath

I paint a picture of you that's distorted
but not much more than mother's
I paint a picture of you shaped by
all the disappointments you made
only healed by time and efforts on your side
(what is right is right)
but you are who you are
and I am who I am

I remember your eyes, nearly in tears
A ****** Mary statue is watching the scene
She heartily approves of this...two weirdos at 17
I remember another time
That thankfully will never come back

I remember playing Taboo at our friend's house
I remember broken laughter
Having nothing at all
But I hadn't seen light
I merely held a bulb

And now you talk to me, and I feel strange
Again
You don't know the path I had to walk
To get
How to tell you what has been?
I am taking the wrong side again
I cannot even dare to think

How to tell you about how much I gained and I lost?
My mind bends and distorts
The river I crossed on my own
The hell I had to endure

So I felt odd talking to you
Good, but not as good
As I felt following
the soft curves
As I feel now and did not do
As I simply let go
of myself and find my soul

The weird timing of days
It's squeezing me, out of breath
And I can feel smothered air
First you gave me that blow
Blow of life between my legs
But now something simply does not work

And I see things in a different light
My eyes - are darkened, can't be right
But all the little city lights of my day
You lighted up, the honor is yours

There's something that's just quite not well
Wish I could get easily away - but I do
And I try to get away by other's bodies
Other's thoughts and touches
But I am missing myself

The weird timing of days
It's breaking me down - how does that make you feel?
There is a presence - it's not me
But I want to puke at the sight of her
I feel as never - low as I hadn't ever
Worried because i never understood
The weird hours of love

Why did you take me high
To fall so much
Why did you make me high
To taste hell back
No I am not sorry
I won't ever be

beware of the silence
beware of the noise
distorting the sound

beware of your inaction
beware of the movement
paralyzing life

Beware of the past
knocking at the door
Beware of not being able
to handle it all
just give up, a little, give up
Beware of things
threatening you
with a smile on their face
Beware of yourself
the twisted, straight lines leading to hell
Topsy turvy ways
Beware of the games
(sometimes) of your head

What do you know
the way that we live
The way that we love
the way that we be
The thing that we build
You are away, away from my town

You have a filthy mouth
even though you use soap
The venom seeps out
You poison my thoughts

I know you've gotten better with years
But essence is something you cannot cheat

Why do you criticize
what you don't understand
Why do you throw a shade
to life's most sacred

What do you know of me and him
I think certainly you don't know me
Time to dismiss you, all your poison
Drown in him instead
And never listen to what they say
I have bitten the core
It's not what you all have thought!

It's making me cry
It's making me fight
Feel not alright

"Choose life", but what is more vital?
To follow the dead beats of biology
or go seeking a star?
or face death bravely?

Life is saving your neck
and those you love to death
Life is not selfless,
unless selflessly you live

Life is not easy
Life is an affirmation daily

"Choose life", they say
But no one would win
And beauty is always different from
bourgeoisie's
And I have this fear deep down in me
And I need an excuse to shake it off
Choose the bright side
and never be sorry about
life is beyond words

After meeting the devil
I felt not good at all
Cancer of the soul
Chemo to cure

And I am dead
and alive at the same time
But something's rotting in me
even if I don't realize
(I do, in disguise)

Burying head deep in pills
and running away from bliss
Running away from me
Trying to gasp for air
But the air was far away

I am about to break free
I cast the demons away from me
But first, I gotta dwell here...

I felt confused, I was abused
Dead photo - of my dark glowing gloomy days.

Side A, Side B
Like a broken vinyl
I spin, I spin

Side A - I am happy, I feel fine
Side B - my fears, crippling me at once
I battle between sides
They keep playing in time

Side A, Side B
driving me mad
this is my stability
this is my path

Side A, Side B
crying alone in my bed
my holiday torture
my Friday of pain
Side A, Side B
flipping from one to other

My paranoia,
my love,
fighting
non stop

I ditched the pit for a handful of dreams
Did I do it too quick?
Not what I think, not what I think

Free me from normalcy and family lunches
Free me from taming the wild inside me
Free me from jail, from the drawback to happiness
Free me from dying with a smile in my face

Maybe I must ditch again
The game is never fully won
But I can do - I did once

You haven't heard my cries for help
I felt the worst way - so you were in my list of names
I wasn't alone, but you weren't there
Again, again, you do this to me again
What's your game?

I told you my biggest hopes and fears
and you ran away, ignored me.
You cannot stand - my non-virginity
You cannot stand - I'm not yours, dear
I am not your *****. Maybe he's right about this.
Maybe I loved you, maybe you never did.
But I've got remembrances of you
too deep, too sweet

And when you come, I'll say hello
No matter how many times you missed - the drum
Again, again, again.
It doesn't surprise me at all.
You are Humbert. Or Quilty, who knows. Am I Dolly though?

The nun's dream -teaching contraceptives-
a nightmare to me
The killing drum of biology
Terrible, unavoidable, troubling

(You'll never go through this
so what do you keep spilling ****?
You don't know the pain, the need
this nightmare you'll never live)

I can't believe - this is my life
A shaking fear, and a predictor in my bag
Everything spins, dizzy stomach

Me - a mother
Me - crying, smothered
by the rhythm my body dictates

This is your punishment - you should have never went there
kissed his lips and let him use his hands
You should have never played the sweetest dirtiest game
You should have never said "Yes" to him
You know - this is what happens to bad girls
I say, whispering, to myself
This is the latest doom

And now the sky is clear - with this proof passed
I went through this - another poem, another invisible scar
And now I smile - it was nothing, nothing at all
And now it all seems over -I'm back

I don't think y'all know
Shut your mouth

What if this is borrowed time?
I had none to call mine
Had too many hours
in the waiting rooms of life

Maybe I had none to call mine
None that I could grasp
for years and years of silence
with peaks in the dark
filling peaks of light

But what about the little explosions
everything coming alive
What about the ******, the blossom
Sitting is not motion!
what about coming together for once
What about the smile in your face?
Because if this is not my time
then whose is? tell me, what?
What is this I had?

Am I living borrowed time
Am I made to pine, to pine, to pine?

Now I see it clear - through the smoke and laughter
Now I see it clear - what I did for years

I fell in love with you, with your image in the mirror
I was on drugs, drugs of desperate connection

So I liked you, I tried to like you with my heart
Put myself under ties when under the effect of your drugs
To restrain myself from myself - I feared too much
So I liked you, but your rites I could not abide
You were never made of the same matter as I
The requests I could not fill, the requests were not for me
Sounds bleak but...

(Get away from this, you don't belong here, you never did.
Ah, the black and white scheme! Not ever real)

Through the excitement and the stir
There's something else to see...

Because you read my fears,
you see who I am through the cracks and scars
maybe even though I worn a mask
You saw me when I was an embryo,
a sick, sick embryo...

Braille to you
You read me softly when I can't do
Because I'm not you, but I am a part of you.

He's talking to me
and I'm in a daze
He's talking to me
And I follow what he says!
His shirtless chance blinks in my brain
A little less schizotypal, today
A little less awkward, I'd say
I blurted words in front of him!

I feel dazzling
but ah, I don't want him
He's not my man
He cannot give me these things

He's beautiful
just like you
He will grow to be your carbon copy
and find some ****** to do
But I want originals (it's true)

For the first time I didn't freeze
I just go with it...
What's this?

A girl lost, grabs the pen to save her soul.
She's got a world...
In the city of "déluge", a refuge.
In the city of desperation, a light - salvation
Put some order in my brain, make something beautiful, a gem, built out of pain.

I grew up through my notebooks.

11 - lonely weird starving loyal obsessive
12 - denial rejected fighting mask all over me
13 - I explode, cannot hold no more. Hell begins.
14 - emo, doubtful, open. Wounds, scars of the soul all over.
15 - a pro, a loser, a loner. About to get lost. Over me, charms and curse.
16 - a wallflower in flowery shirt. Tranxilium pills. Hospital angels, a survivor in the make. Breathing slowly the air of life.
17 - at a fight, Courtney Lovesque. Afraid, angry, in love. Wounds bleeding, destroy my world. I walk, without aim. Sinning deep. Am I aware?
18 - I break down, no one picks up my pieces from the floor, so I have to do it on my own. Fearful, psychotic, fake, unable to breathe. Enigma to myself, cannot touch my flesh.
19 - the nebula grows, my mind drowns, to reach shores. Obsessive, perturbing, odd, dependent, byproduct of what?
20 - I've been polluted for years. This is the consequence: I break, once again. Seas of loneliness and meaninglessness.
21 - the truth spills out, cannot sleep with a corpse for life. I try to reach my core, at once. The word comes: schizotypal (not surprised at all)
22 - Humbert Humbert knocks again, and like a never dead nymphet I greet him. We fall in love again, silently, coyly, mysteriously. Pink haired spinster confused happy healing slowly do not disturb.my mind strangles me, but I am strong!
23 - my head sparkles in pink and so does my heart. My pen shakes. I laugh. Frisky, dubitative, poet, free.
24 - after the travel, I almost heal...

He's beautiful
and today
I could not stop looking
at him

He's beautiful
but he doesn't send the magic
downstream

He's beautiful -you're beautiful-
Guys would **** for your number
If you only paraded in the street
You are beautiful, you I would not kiss
but you awaken something in me...

His smile - stirs me
His lips - do they call me?
I am bored, I know it
I don't know - what I feel

Xeplion advert and I fix my eyes
"you cannot go further than that"
I am watching it and I am just a child
lost in the jungle pitch black
of my mind
A life broken, a life begun
Xeplion advert - now I can reconstruct
I became a ****** flower
no you can't play with my power
no you can't **** with me
you can tame but never extinguish
the fire in me

Tears in my eyes, a broken Valentine
I am high, so you are low
This **** irks me, this **** hurts
Why don't you stomp over my heart
and finally tear it apart
So I can bleed profusely, but not to death
only cry my eyes out
for what we were

Another poem bred in hell
I thought I won, but lost again
You left a seed, grew into a ****.

A **** that doesn't let me breathe
Paranoid schemes that you used to feed
It suffocates my lungs, my heart
Strangling my chest
a doubt tearing me apart
The notion that you are not what you are

Fear of lies, fear of what may be
And I won't be able to see
Your lips they are for me
Is that dream real? I can't believe.

Why you don't reply my mail
What do you do when I'm not there?

Blood, blood in my hand
blood in you, blood from my insides
Just a little broken vessel
Something I cannot seem to grasp

Blood, blood - because love hurts
The art of self-**** - I am really good at it
A fly hovers over my head
It's the blood I have shed

And it is a reminder, of the intruder to yourself
And it is fear, but still a symbol to me
Blood scared because I am the girl that bleeds
Unexplainable facts for unexplainable feats
(I don't know where this leads).

I cannot seal the pact
My body gets in the way
My body has something to say
But my body follows no line
it is an alien to itself
My two poles fighting - shouldn't be this way
My mind is not mine - it does what it doesn't like
I cannot understand, I cannot understand

Awhile, the blood pours out.
"I hope it stops".

It wasn't truth, or enlightenment
what made me see angels
and things
Was it? was it?
It wasn't but a low tide flooding it all
It's not truth, or enlightenment
what is making me write these words
It's pure pain speaking, the pattern now I spot
It's terror drowned in doubt - or the other way around
It is not truth, or enlightenment, although it looks so
what makes me run away
It is something I cannot fathom well
The answer must be somewhere else.

You were my friend
when I wasn't mine at all
Surrounded by demons around
in my mind, the lovely swamp

There was no vinculation between us
but my hysteria and inadequateness
And now we die in weak hello's
We don't die: we never were, so...

Our worlds never were one
I simply ****** into your pure blood
to purify mine
Your innocent, white, bland blood
My sick, deranged, psychotic thoughts
My fear beating strong
Descending each day deeper below
And bland and paralyzed I become!
And drowning...and down

And now we die. It feels good to end.
For truth shines, and the double sides of reality
show their head
How much I cling(ed) on to you
How I let the time pass
How little we had to talk
How many lies poured into us!
Battling with my mind to utter words
How together we were
How separate we are
How we grew up

Hey what are you going to tell me I haven't been through
Some of you read and some others make the books
What are you going to show me I hadn't swallowed yet
What are you telling me I haven't heard

We are rewriting history with our Tumblr
We are showing the hidden side of the game
Empowered nymphets in the sun rays
Our life speaks volumes, I am not who I was then
I was a teenage wreck in the hands of a man
He was a Humbert at the thought of my body and my limbs
I keep it outside as a badge of my life
But don't get me wrong, I am not that book
I change the meaning of the words everytime I move
I make them breathe, I make them come alive
In my own terms, in my own sense
And everything I do is trying to get through
this message that I've bled, this message that I spread
We are the girls, we know what's up
What are you telling me - I know it all
Still at it - with my man who is older than I
Still rocking that summer wind in al
I am breathing mythology, I am breathing testimony
of what they don't dare see
I am an unwanted presence in the room
because I know it good
I learnt it at 16 - my teenage hustling
Your dad shuns your older lover - it's our daily bread
Never be sorry! For fulfilling your dreams
Girls from the world raise your voice high
Men with us help us wear out our lungs
our body, weary in pleasure, all of us...

But I am 24 - my time is over, I know
But I breathe the Lolitaesque still
I live the Lolitaesque!
A tough path to tread on.
But rewarding overall.

Love and soul, that complicated scheme
we try to understand
do we?

Thomas, now I am closer to you.
Now that I am *** crazed
Now I had that taste
And yet
I know you are lost
because you missed the point
that shaking legs
is essentially love

It wasn't fair
stripping me bare
but you were just a shadow
a ghost that played
a stain
a ******* stain
in the canvas
of my days

To what point am I sick?
I go mad - when I see a chick
on your feed
in your photos
and you behave so relaxed
Is this hurting me bad?
Why now? I don't think so

I'm too accustomed to bitterness, and in happiness,
I ache. It's like a reflex that things gotta go wrong.
I cannot think bright. Why should I?

We are far
And then we talk
Are you with someone else
We say "yes"

And I'm with someone too
but I hate him to my bones
He's just a shadow of me and you
What are we doing then
with our days
What kind of stupid charade
Game do we play?

But if you break up now, I'll rush back to your arms
I've realized I love you much, now I do
And the others, they are crap
They don't fill my heart
His touch is not yours [at all]

And I start to cry
And I laugh
like a maenad in ecstasy
touching the sky
with our fingertips
And we talk, we cannot stop
this re-joining of the souls
Could swallow me whole

But if you break up now, I'll rush back to your arms
I've realized I love you much, now I do
And the others, they are crap
They don't fill my heart
His touch is not yours [at all]

I've had many men all this time
Trying to find your hand

There was a girl living in black canvas
There was a girl drowning in secrets
And a helping hand came to save her
from the dirt

She was only 16
But she knew heaven and hell - they go hand in hand
And this helping hand
was a so-called wolf
Was he a wolf? I still want to know

He drank her vital fluid for breakfast
She bled a slow death
A different one from the one she knew, but death,
nevertheless

To find venom where once love was found
He fed on her insecurity and her illness
offering a poisonous hand
That sends you to the couch, fall in love with ghosts,
happiness, happiness, maybe with a deathly touch.

And then we met again
always and never the same

And my eyes were colored a hue
But now the hue - I felt it change
what about a hue made of myself?
It's all I get

And deciding between those two irreconciliable tales I've spent nearly 8 years.
What is it really about him?