In the back corridors of your mind
things hoard and thrive
can you take care
of this garden of phobias and desires.

Things look so clear in this distorted glass
But nothing ever really does

In the back corridors of your mind
your true self you find
It's made of pieces, of truths and lies

Be careful in the back corridors of your mind
they are light but they can get dark
they hold the key to your life
Be careful to interpret their signs
But it's easy really, as listening to someone talk

Sometimes I can see
The shadow of all we've been

Lost and confused
Separate and diffuse
You are pulling away from me
Is it, is it true?

If everything is going back in time
so can we
But I can't go back because
I am not the same chick

We are big but we come from the ground
My birth was hard but it was worth it all
Your birth was getting rid of your befores
I want to keep swimming with you - kiss each other not to choke

Are we pulling away
Each on our own way
I can't take this again
But if it comes, nothing left to say

I wasn't aware I had a body -
with a promise inside
a note for me telling, "I've got goodies for you to unlock"
"use me as you like"
"I am yours to thrive, get high!"

But I was setting my eyes on men
even if I didn't know back then
In unexpected ways. Not aware.
The Bonsai girl - breaking away

He is arousing to the eyes - and oh, below the pants
I should have known him at 22, instead of hiding
in the back row of the class
Counting ghosts, and hearing demon's voices loud

Did I know what I was feeling?
Only now it seems to have a meaning

But no turning back - no sadness really in my heart
and I am just angry tonight
Tonight, angry you are not by my side
I could really hurt you, but instead of that
I look at him and for a second,
I fly

(He's joy in a confused Saturday night)

The flashbacks, the ideas
fluttering in my head
Something's pulling out all of my insides
But I am silent instead

They whisper ideas that I can't grasp well
Will I get out of this hell?
Which way?

Because it feels like I love you
but I can't. Every move I do
carries me further down.

I've been here before, no clarity now to show
I remember when I was starting to grow
Arrived some years late
to the parade

Life is ugly and unclear - sometimes
And everything surrounding might be a lie
I can't talk, my mind is held hostage right now
Everything so horrible - yet I can't shout
I can't be, I can't touch
The nourishing battle - away from me now
The life within - is gone

The demons became the canvas
I fight but I no longer slay them,
They creep inside my body
They got me in a kind of a knot again

I love you, I love you, but it hurts
Nothing hurts more than being myself does

I AM NOT OKAY

I feel like I was 13 again
Betting to one card all of my fate
Because there's no other chance
Going to therapists...but with a change:
Now I fight with all it takes.
I've been - radically expressed

I feel like in a different space and time
But this time, it is a different hue, a new shine

I will fight because
I've already been through too much.
I will get down and *****
when it comes to living

Am I going psychotic again?
Astray, misled
Will I be saved?
Losing the compass I gained?
Everyone visiting me in my sickly bed
Taking care of me while I shake in pain
Friends saying, you'll get better, if you wait
My love, saying he's always there...

In my sickly, mind foggy bed
the Sun shines in anticipation of the next day
but we never really know
tomorrow is elusive, but it's all we've got

The nurse's room is heaven
when hell lives within
But you gotta dream with a life
outside of it

My brain does not fit the sentences anymore
I can't hear the rhythm, so who cares about words
Am I sinking under again? I felt it in my bones
I did not know truth from fake more
And I am going back on my steps, which hurts so
I hope God saves me, from the fire of psychic death

Am I losing my mind? Not knowing where I stand
And every path is darkened, and every move hurts
And confuses and carries death
I hope I can be saved - reborn again
cleanse my sin - because I killed myself

And no words can tell
what I am enduring these days
it seems empty, repetitive ****
as repetitive as my thoughts spinning within

We want freedom
We want equality
Equality to work! Equality to rock!
Equality to be -you dread it- ******! If you like the word
It's my pride - to be what you deny

Give me my feminism
But don't take the fun from me
Give me all that feminism
but don't take the spark from me
If it doesn't make me high, it's not it

Don't get inside my bed
and tell me to be a good girl!
Burn all your Gods
Heaven or earthly bound
No one ever tells me who to ****!

You all think you know much! But you don't know at all
Freedom is the aim! Freed from everything
We want men to be our friends, in and outside our bed
We don't need you, righteous people!
We don't need you, voice of reason!

Freedom to show my body, freedom to decide
Give us those rights, give us life
To fully explore and become people not stuff
Don't ever let us fall
down the rabbit hole
of their clonic boring mores

Right to get respect
for all we are, "no more sectioning of the self"
choosing between my two halves and picking the wildest one
What if I like to be a little naughty imp
when I am with him?

Right to be ourselves
not less
We are for real, we are here
So swallow back all that ****
I want my rights
Not laws about my lower parts

Something's rotten in my soul
I can hear it silently roar
It makes me idle,
It makes me mute, it makes me numb

Writing a poem - like accomplishing a duty
I need the unload, the freeing
There is a bad soul, within my body
I want to kick this affair,
Get real - I got used to smiling

I am swimming in oblivion
and
I try to find the words
but everything flees and so does my heart

Who decides what is good?
I cannot make up my mind anymore
I've already misunderstood
the whole scheme laid out for us

Life is risk
Life is pain
Life is - blood stain
It's not my fault if you can't see the gift
it's not my fault if you can't see it's big
that the solution to the fear lies inside of it

When I was hidden in my cocoon
my body stiff and frozen, nothing moved.
Now I am out, the outside hurts.
It snows, it is terribly hot, it burns,
it hurts, it hurts.
I'm under it! The weather is mad
And I would give anything
(because I am in fear)
to run away from
but it's not my fault
I have to see the whole
I have to have it all

life is risk
the uncertainty, that always is
we all end up stitched with a few wounds
life is pain
the forces driving you everywhere
the questions stand for themselves
you cannot be alive without accepting death

life is guts, milk spilled on the floor
life is dangerous for the heart
yet it is the only way to go
Do not be a martyr; because life
is not a punishment
I chatted angels that forbid my freak
I befriended Puck and he set me free
Life is a gift
laced with tears -
sometimes filled with contrary feels

They say I can't be a feminist and **** ****
They say my fantasies are capital sin
They censor my speech
They also like to say I'm quite meek
But too wild when I finally chill

They say I can't date a man older than me
They say this girl - who does she think she is?
They say I can't be on pills and against my chains
They say I can't bite the hand that feeds
And they just don't understand me
They say so much about me! I can feel it over my head
But I learnt to do something instead

So much hate and misunderstanding I get
But I use it to dye my hair
And prance like a peacock around
Showing my weird pretty feathers

**** it!
I know all your ****
It just won't soak up on me

Look at us - here we are
with your girl and my man and stuff
we never thought we would make it this far
at least I did not ever think
my life would be this
I always thought I would sink

Look at us - our Rubicon
no more drugs, no more broken hearts
in our very own way
hitch a ride
Look at us - with a smile
and a sensation that things always turn out to be what they are

Look at her - she's such a freak!
She sees things you never do
She lives in a world apart from you
She's the wasted kid, the little *****,
the unorthodox thought, the troubled one

Look at her! She ***** with guys twice her age
(and she's not sorry she still does)
Look at her! She's such a punk little strain
Hers is a truly tangled up brain
But she got up, she got out of what you had to say
And now she flies, or at least she always tries

Turned to stone fighting when she was young
No more, no more
At me you could never stare,
I am what you dread

She's the obstacle, your shadow girl
All she does defies what you just have said
And I can't help it, it's the way I am
The more I grow, I grow apart
I am not asking you to be me
I simply ask you as always just let me be
But you'll get rage again
Still I have to face
we are each other's challenge
can you survive myself
can I survive you too

There is a well
I cannot see its depth
I can only guess
There is a well from which everything
I do drinks
There is a place where all gets fed

I am stuck here again
I have to swim the tide if I want to get back there
to my home
on the shore

Feels like I'm at loss with words
I can barely weave my heart
or take any control
although I do try to get back home
I call home your arms

Everything has a hidden bitter sip
Nothing is what it seems inside of me

Things are so rotten but still they shine a light
Things are a chaos I try to sum up when I write

There is a well
but I have nothing else
so I better get to it
Nothing makes sense

My emotions
they are the crux
they are the compass I need
but a little breeze
can **** up the thing
and I just begin to drift

And I don't reason anymore
I just feel things to the core
I just become my heart

My emotions
they seize me
I can't just get rid
I really would not want it
they hold all the power
they make me lose it too
but without them what would I do?

I feel the heat
I feel it all
and I can also freeze
Tearing me down, building me up
My emotions drink
from a well I do not know too much
I just get caught
They are my daily grind
my daily ray of light

They drive me mad and they are my sane half
How to put up with such a way of life

I know the heaven of those who die for love
vicariously, although sometimes I just know
I want to be there
Sad place to be in, but pretty in a way
To die at the hands of something you long for

The heaven of those who die for love
in my thoughts
A place to die, to give up
Don't expect me there

The heaven of those who die for love
is held too high
Because the light never leads astray
If you can only salvage love with death
run away

The heaven of those who die for love
is it real? is it wrong?
Love has that hue, I know it's true
To feel all sold and tied to one - all for you
But real love - makes you bloom
These blackened flowers sprinkled with tears
do not!
They wither
like me

Do not hold dearly to the loss of blood
love the blood though

I'm tongue tied and hand tied
I was warned this morning
"You went too quick, too far"
A rainfall on me that doesn't wash up

Can you hold me now I'm down?
I'm bitter, bitter to the core
Can I hold on to you?

The last time I was in hell
it was a long time ago
I just can't put up with it anymore
I have to rip this out from my soul
I have to recover my own
Tear it off from me
whatever it is

I just want to be with you
will I ever allow myself that

I'm happily unhappy
I cannot take the smile from my face
although my soul is corroding
I am falling down

I have a pain in my chest
I do not know what it is
I know you make me feel alive
and therefore the wound hurts

Last time I was in hell
I remember well
I cannot go back in my steps
How easy writing poems
How hard to live through them

I love you to death
Into your hand - I melt
I am like sweet buttercream
to your kiss

It hurts, it hurts, it does
being with you but
I think it's myself instead
My insecurities pile, they take it away
Bitter candy today

Why do I rush to the saddest songs I know?
Why do I want to cry - but so happy at your side
Why do I get so uptight - knowing we are right?

I know I get so tiring
even to my own ears!
Can you chew this bitter cupcake
Can you take all I am including what makes me undone
The knife has some blood
the cupcake has a heart!

And I look back
and everything's fine
I will learn the heartbeat
to life and dance steadily to it

We were
amoebas
but we grew
and therefore
our bond was lost

We were underdeveloped life forms
yet being so consistenly formed
in our dreams and hopes
we were just waiting at the crossroads
for someone to pick us up

We were the beginning of life
back then
Embryonic state
everything to gain

and we have been picked up
I thank God - we could not stay there for long
even if now there is a threat of drought
all over my heart
do you get those? do you?
the saddest part of it all
a link is gone
we are flickering like a dying light
but hey, this is life
and it's not like we were empty now

If I die will you still be with me?
I really don't wish to be
But the grey is coming back at me

All my fluency - lost
All I've gained - somehow gone
How to stop

Blanked out by the grey
but I need to focus on the bright
how to do that

I guess the solution might be easy
but anyway I miss it
I miss its warmth
But we are not nearly gone at all

But we'll learn, we'll walk
and our love will grow
I hope

You thought that I would do that!
Accept a life that's not a life
Live a life without a flower crown
I was born to have one
I was born to explode, to become

I have superpowers!
(Sometimes I do think)
I don't know where they come from
My life is a patchwork by fate and myself done
And I must admit - right
I need to control them sometimes
It is so intertwined in me
sometimes I just can't see
But you won't tame me ever
I am just getting better

I have been ****** up.
Still, I am. I might not get -totally- out
But it won't get so far.
I have been the lowest. Asleep for too long.
But taking back my steps - making the time count

You thought that I would bow down?
That I'd be an ugly event in my own life?
No one is shooting **** into my veins
No one is putting me in restraints
Took so long, to find my place!
No Xeplion to make me a good girl
or lower my self
No one is making me less
I am growing stronger every day!

And none of you are right
and neither am I
the answer is always more complex
than a diagram can process

You might say I am winning
but I never understood that
I am a proud loser, never fit in
Not even now, now is the least
Adjust my eyes
correct my visions
acknowledge the stars
do not erase them - just allow me to
be able to walk
and enjoy
that myriad of stars

María says I am such a special one
so original so individual
so sparkly so peculiar
she reads me and it's been two days
is she an angel? my ****** brain says
Giving me money instead of manna
And doing so with a smile

María speaks a lot
says I am an assertive gal
When she puts the finger in my wounds
it gets hard to talk
When she says there must be a root to all this
I think, can she really see?

María sees all but she doesn't see at all
she doesn't know the foremath
she doesn't know the full extent
she hasn't seen the wounds in my arm
she hasn't seen the mist or my fall
who really cares?

You don't know how hard it has been

Forget, forget, forget
On your **** - do not dwell
Heal the heart - with his kiss
Forget the bad - if it doesn't sting
You can't look at everything
Do not forget - what makes you smile
Do not forget - the light
Forget all the crap that deviates you
from that
Do not forget - the heart knows much

Matt Smith
in the computer screen
lights me up
Doctor Who and bowties
My mind wanders, my heart flies
And is distracted from itself
do I find myself that way?

How to know what the heart wants
and what the body wants?
every leer carries inside
the germ of something more
every ***** thought
is the cleanest of them all

Everytime you are desperate
seeking for a stranger's embrace
you are looking for the eternal source
to fill your empty space...
You don't need a man. You don't need a girl.
You need a lifeline
to the core of the earth
something that I can barely express
(his love...in his mattress)
you are not in need of ***
you are in need of all it takes

And I have this feeling
that times comes and goes at irregular intervals.
That we are (un)stuck in time,
and it reappears but never goes back.
(I think too much)

This skin will also die.
My love reincarnates.
Like the Doctor does.

Ah, sweet urge.
Won't you come and see me more?

Do not call your friends hastily so tired
with a fever from hell
on the dark convoluted pits of it, do not dwell!
Do not start throwing stuff all over the room
Do not start shaking on the floor
Do not protect you from pain
in the form of self-inflicted wounds
Run away from those ways! They will only lead you astray

And I saw it clear, in tears
where it all boiled down to - this
you are making this big
(I am at a loss with words with it)
There was something I could do...

Take things in a new manner
Whatever is will be.
I carry on my heavy heart.
But it won't explode no more.
No bomb.
I am keeping it under check.
I am teaching it how to behave
Symbiotic - we both learn

Look at things with a fresh eye
Cooled down: not tormented inside
And if I have to speak up, I will.
And if we have to die, we will, indeed
But what if we have to bloom, thrive,
grow up (another time)
What if there was more to life?

The other side - saying ye come, come ye
You have to see the dark in the sun, the sun shining
in every trap
The other side - calm down, let's not panic
calm down - no use in crying

I am carrying my heavy heart -maybe it will never get lighter,
been living for too long with that.
But he won't wreck my life
My heavy heart will rise

It seized me that way in class
You and I, what the ****?!

My thoughts got out of my hand
I could tell no one, my knotted heart
The answer was one I could speak
but I doubted I could feel
Everythings gets so ******* twisted
So hard to see clear
Like a fire it threatened to sweep what I held dear
Guess what? Not what y'all think
Guess what? it's not "us"

But now
You've got a girl and I've got my man
And all of a sudden, the doors opened up:
(no more doors of hell, please)
And I had seen clearly who we are
I had a sun like vision
I saw it in a bus downtown:

We are like two vessels of blood
that need to flow together, side to side
They stick around but never come together
They are friends, they are not lovers

This wound will close in time!
When it's over I will probably laugh

what if they cannot handle
what we know it's true
They could not handle me
They could not handle you
What if my mom thinks I *******
What if the world thinks I love you
This is the simplest, truest way:
you are simply my friend
and it's up to me
to handle it all well

If you think I am going to put up with that ****
You are wrong; I won't
If you wanna ditch me you should be strong
And tell it to my face, break my heart in just one step

If you think I am going to let pass weeks
without your kiss
If you think that I will be waiting here
that I will be at your feet
that you can play me with ease
you are wrong, dear

And it will hurt indeed
but I can get out of this
I will live in my room or spree-**** the world
but my heart is marked by you alone
Have you ever been in love with me at all?

Only time will tell as it it always the case
Been two years waiting for the end
..but you've said it's okay, we can try
there is no use in crying
I have to trust you, it's my good vow
to put all my heart in just one card
my gamble to stay alive

A painful birth took place in my soul
I could see definitely see it all
These realizations chase me all the way
I don't know when they right and when they fail

Because I saw things in the twilight
The map is laid out there for me to see
I don't know yet what it means
But I will, I will always be free

(Now the wound is healed but the scab is fresh
And your behavior doesn't help)

Bradley was talking and I was scraping
His words bring back all that's dead
My fear of things failing between me and my aim
The night following the sun's rays

Because if I have to confront you, confront it
I love you so much I could say
But I'm getting mad today
don't know if it's at you or is it me.

I've already been to this
Lovers to friends and all in between
I just have not the strength anymore
I need to see **** clear.

Hold your pen close to your soul girl keep growing
Must know when the candles are blowing out
Must know when things are falling down
If they distract me from the light
Where the **** is the light
I'm sure it's in the arms of a man

(Every poem is born when you're lonely
You turn to paper in the absence of something else
When friends and lovers just not working
Gotta do a job within yourself.)

And if it has to die, I will hasten it
I have no time for playing games!
Maybe it's just an universal lesson
to live, taste more and cling a little less.

Who knows the ways?

I talk to my friend Bradley more than you
But I'm being bitten by the bug of doubt too
But I know he doesn't love me like you do
But there's a catch we have at which we have to look

And I struggle to meet you outside our bed
Which is sweet but it's not just everything
I need it most when I feel it's lost
I feel like I had lost something along the way
You are getting lazier every day
And I am getting tired as well
But you are losing things for real, maybe
But something's gone sour inside of me

Should I go out and bewitch them with my words
Should I open my wings and fly
flying is not half as fun as with you
but a bird cannot clip her wings, drop her life
I saw something in the water gazing at me
A shadow whose look I could not beat

And the tears come again
down my face
mom says don't cry for men
but it's hard not to
when you loved so much
It's hard not to when you gave your heart
When he carried you heaven above
When you shared kisses everywhere
and now just empty loving and space

And what if really we were wrong
and we cannot stay here in love.
And what if this was a dream
now I gotta go get higher things?

I've been you!
So I know what you're up to

I see those scholars of the future
in my crazed up dream
they talk about you and me
all the things all the me I laid here

Try to analyze what I speak
Try to know what I never knew
try to know more than I do
making up stories about what I meant
but still you've never been me
and I have no time to think twice
My fails and my smiles are only mine

I've been you!
And I appreciate the effort -I do-
But wonder only once
if, before reading anything
you bled at all

...this is the aftermath of death
But I think though I am in the right way

I have been here before!
Fighting a ****** silent battle in my heart
Catatonic and hectic, I was
Confused, utterly lost
I have been before
Trapped and hands tied
Channeling so much ****
Days spent with a twitch
Incapable of hitting the switch!
Days wasted away, days ill
Days too clean
Days without a mouth to speak
too clumsy inside
How to difference which?
What leads to what? What does it all mean?
A prisoner with blurry visions and unclear feels
I have been here before.

But I haven't been before
to the resolution of it all

Sweet, sweet - lost my virginity to you!
Sweet, sweet - I am alive no one suspected this
Not even me

Sweet, sweet the days and the nights
caught by some kind of magical charm
the metal legs they can run
the flower is fierce and wild
as she always, but concealed, was

The year is dying and I am dying with it
that's what I feel
but this was too good not to remember it forever
this year will be remembered

Sweet, sweet - the year
lost in your arms, don't come find me
Sweet, sweet - we will go on
to further places of love...
and I see the future all black and tough
but if I train myself hard, if I learn a new spell
I will survive this hell...

Life will be sweet no matter what it brings
Just keep your eyes open - dance and jump to the beat
The beat you can't avoid to hear

If you can't do anything else
You could taste a minor victory over pain
You could take a ride and write a guide on hell
You could get diamonds from the dry reaver lands
You could make jewelry that ironically hurted your hands
You could document horror with Polaroids
You could win a prize that almost makes you die

In case of emergency - let it out
But not to drown
But to gain control
In case of emergency - ring the alarm

If you can't do anything else
You could try till death
If you can't do anything else,
You could try to survive the terrible fire
And laugh the day it ends.

There is something sickening about Christmas
On the edge between tears and bliss
Not being able to fulfill what I need for real
"December" by Ben Gibbard and stuff
every Christmas it kind of comes back

If you leave me
I can already read it
Messages with the "seen" infamous tick
It's my Christmas omen
Coming back at me
My Christmas fear
A perfect timing for the perfect pain
The most crippling one, meant to be today
Lonely, confused, torn in two

There is something threatening about Christmas
Hidden in subterfuges and empty laughter
Filled with air
A hint of loss, with all meanings of the word
something dangerous grows in my soul
I kick it with my boots, but it scares me as the first one

There is something fearsome about Christmas
The pain that all might (in fact it does) go wrong
By your hand, my broken heart
My broken mind, that? I can do alone
There is something dark about Christmas
Something blind and shapeless but existent
I can't even begin to explain
I simply sweat it away
I simply fight it away
I simply survive
Sometimes it hurts...every now and then

But...the lights in the street
The people smiling, in the periphery of my eyes
The periphery is all, encompassing the whole
But...I am coming alive
Your love, your kiss does
Sweetest thought of this menacing season
for this girl that writes

All the energy gone!
No matter what you blast in your earphones
The doors could be open
it's up to you to close them

You've been derailed
walking exactly where they want you
and you feel so nervous
patterns that **** you and save you

You've been here before
This Christmas pain is a lot
IDLES won't save you so far
Not if you leave yourself out
and start wandering again
in the high street
Remember when you were 19?

It's a wrong move
it's a loose *****
But I will fight this, I do
Just need a little time
to do what I do

It's the scariest ride
it's the darkest side
The beat of past lives
past reactions, past ones
and it all began
with a *****
falling loose

Did something die?
If so, what it was?

It is a blessing, and certainly a weight
that time passed and we're still friends

If we didn't know each other for years
I wouldn't put up with you;
you would not put up with me
We are from realms that clash between
We're acquired family
over laughter, concealed tears for me
We're an acquired taste
How come people from such different worlds?
Having nothing to do
what knitted us so close?
How come we are standing on the street
discussing  my life and its feats
discussing beliefs, things that will tear us apart
if we don't run away from it
I know, if the timing had been different
we would not be here.
But that is the magic of possibility
the magic of life
always going further
than we always can conceive

Let it die! And **** it at once
No more late night dramas, just this omen/oath
Just let it die, because I've fed it to grow
and I haven't succeeded so...
I won't make a scene
But it will show.
Bitter poems pile up
Bitter days stack up
Our love dies out.

Slowly our light will fade
Secrets accumulate
Slowly time will tell
if I was a fool to think I'd win the bet

I got fooled into thinkin this was - love
You probably did too.
Got fooled into thinking I was your all
I know I bother, smother you with this sick heart
but you can't say no, when I place my lips on your ****

I typed you that...so raw
but with the shaking fear of loss
Pregnant with obsession, like a child lost
and you answered with a slack silence
But a silence that weighs a ton.
A silence that means it all.
A silence, that *******, hurts!
You let it pass, you let it slide.
How much hate, this love can contain!
How much love, wrapped up in despair!

Why do I need to reality check
My dad put it clear: I never think with my head
Laid in my bed think about the words we said
Scraping for answers to appease the void within
This void that I dig...

I tried to cope maybe that's it
But coping with me - it can be the hardest thing!
It wasn't a problem but slowly it grew
I miss you baby but I don't really know what to do
I break slowly without you

Can we swim the waves that life creates, hand in hand
If I cannot do it with you, then I give up
Desperate Winehouse lady wandering the town
I wonder can we do it - course we can
Maybe I am hungry for you
But I'm disordered too

I start concocting strange kinds of tales
You can't feel them you can't grab them but they do leave a trace
To feel you pull away it feels like hell
A million questions dropped by the bully in my head
I still haven't solved the mist on myself
I love you so dearly but every now and then
I get love sick again...
(I just don't want to change)

Photographs of a time past
Things that I've overcome - or they are far
Hell's passed, hell's done
Heaven lied there, hidden all the time
I can see it clear - and it gives me peace
My past is seen with new-old eyes
Everything fits, at last!

Now I lived it, I can sing it
The pain left a scar, so I caress it with my hand
The pain is gone - but always leaves a track
Photographs that come to my mind
of what is, what it was

Everything crystalizes
on me
It leaves a sour taste
after all I've lived

And little questions, little feels
that really meant nothing
Crystalize like you hadn't seen any of it
You keep analyzing - as you always do
But the chills he sent you
those were real, those were good

And you are worried
About your love supply
But as long as there's love
There'll be no shortage of that.

No fear, no fear
As long as you are here with me
Will God grant me
my one true wish

It is the essence of love
to worry a bit much
It is love's toll
You have to gladly pay it all

Love is at a lack for words
Happiness needs no analysis
No thoughts
Sabotaging
Themselves
No more

There are things I should change
but everything changes
when contacted with hell
Now I am back home
with all its glee, all its hope
and some of its doubt

A mute again, I will be
But so calm and so still
And to grow up this time, I promise I will

Everything is a question now
But life answers them all
In ways you never thought

I had so many things to say
Now all them are left astray
Coming today from you, so sweet,
forever I would stay
but our love will remain

And I can't write
another stupid rhyme
I am seeing things, connected in between
I am seeing patterns, blurry schemes
I see flowers, devoured by weeds
I see my metal legs, I see my whole life
truncated since 13
I see all my failures, too many to count
So many days in the dark
thinking it was me
I see everything
I see myself, trying to win
With a new ace on my sleeve!
Throwing light over years and years
Wonderful, harrowing feeling
tonight - but you are by my side

The circle is closing on me
The cycle is complete
Things are going to change
I am afraid, but I am more afraid to stay
here

I want to shake so bad
But I feel dead inside
I want to feel the world in me
But I broke down so this is it

It hurts, it hurts, it hurts
When you love, you love, you love so much
A love perched in the heart
yearning to extend, but trapped inside

I knew life, it was ours.
I will fight, till I lose control.
I will die, doing this
I will catch back, catch up
Just let me relax

She called me at 13
I was trapped in the most deep
where life itself shines like fireflies
Turned into stars all of my fears!
I heard the calling; a change to be made

She's losing her mind - she's going too far
She's burning up - she's breaking down

So I painted my eyes black
and hung an LGBT flag
I got an account in the web
Started releasing things.
My playlists became punk,
Reading poems, I cried in class.
Started crying too in the back of cars.
Still I was holding to my old crap
because the dark oh there it was!
But my truth started poking its head,
knocking my door.
"You can't turn your back on me anymore"
Go down, go down, choke, choke
You will come out, you will come out.
I gave you metaphysical pleasure,
metaphysical pain.

Poetry, you left me when I left myself
Life was going to be hell, but you'd be there
The call of the wild - that's you
Pushing me forward, balancing me - you always do

And people around scared of me
So was I, indeed.
The call of the wild - I never heard you, but at times
Your voice screamed loud
But I can see you, in the old photographs
A ******, struggling - just like now
And now you are back - you show your shy weird face
An untamed flower shows its head - caress her

I want to approach it, but it will **** us again.
I can't risk that; you're my everything.
I crossed the threshold; I did it to be brave
Now I'm burning on the fire, I am in pain.

And I had a vision today
Of the doors of hell
Maybe all you have to do is to look away
because else it keeps staring at you straight
And the word fakeness, the idea
chases me. I feel a restlessness in me
no matter what I do, say, or feel.

I simply can't go back
to my phobic reactions
To neglecting my own directions.
I remember how it all was
when I was 16 and younger (still young)
It kills me inside: I want what I want
your love
But there's a hole, in my soul
Did I open it with my hands
Did it open itself like that

But I love you, so deep.
This is my curse. This is my gift.
Visions please do not leave me
take me back - show me the real
A flower shows its head - caress her

Your words touch me today in a very moving way.
Your words make me fly, I am close to crying.
You give me life.
When I hear you talk about your girlfriend, and about the ways of love
You make better poetry than I will ever do.
You, in fact, sound like an enlightened version of me.
Is it gone? Just wait and see...do not be detoured
by the demons within - trust me, they exist
Because we are not poets, we are just photographers.
With words, catching glimpses of the divine world

And that old Humbert told me today, that you need to live
to see how it is; of course you can't even try
if you live by wire
And I was also close to tears; so much beauty in this.
And that South African brother speaks to my heart,
and he doesn't even try! He is always there, with a helping hand.
And you whisper the life: without you I am lost
My everything, your world.
Who needs a Bible, or oracles, that stuff
when you have friends like I

I don't see **** clear
And that's when you appear...
Your blue eyes light a match but instead
I start thinking I am in love with her

You make a mess out of my convoluted head
Although really there's no one to blame
I see your ghost all over my heart
Obsessive non-love

I can't let it be, the way it was
The underdeveloped crush
of my psychotic years, underdeveloped me

Maybe you attain when you don't try
And lately I do try way too much
Stress eating me whole, I think so
Maybe you are nothing but a fail
Made of wire and air
Maybe you are nothing to me
but Gitte, as a nightmare
you appear

You won't happen again
Thank God you won't
It knocks; did I open the door
can you really close

There is pain further than pain. There is a mechanical pain, a pain that hurts not hurting at all, making you go along life but missing something deep.

There is a beatless pain. There is a pain grabbing you by the throat. But silently, so you can't yell.
There is a pain not too big, it never fully seizes, but it is there.
Constant turning of the ***** that won't make you cry, but they do oppress. Obsess. Obsess. Obsess. They oppress like few things more. You cried in pain, and you discover now there are worst realities than pain: the cryless anguish, the wordless complaint, the oblivion of loss. Will you come out of this?
Most important of it all: who will come? Will you come out alive?

And the ghosts of the past, alive tonight
Me, looking at daddy's ***
Me, thinking I am a necrophile
Me, swooning over Gaspard Ulliel
Me, being free
Me, signing my death
Me, in your bed -happy like I had never been-
Me, lost in the dark convoluted corridors
Me, about to break in parts
Me, 14 in the car, daddy is telling me that if I go madder he'll get mad in turn
Me, going psychotic
Me, atonement by the flesh
And nothing could be worst than this
the past all over me
No way to flee...

Hello there...!
I'm back to hell
I'm back again
I know it too well

I predict a death
Going back to bed, sleeping again
Closing my eyes
Or a lie instead

I've been here before
I know its ups and downs
Flowers in the window pane
For my stay in the mental jail
Death has so many shades
Her little ways to dismantle you
Her many games

I've been here before: the drowsy music
I saw the grey comfortable swing of the days before the spring
I felt comfy, ready to swim..in the shores of not
I heard the disperse beat of the days of emptiness and draught

And I will drown my head
trying to cleanse
but first let's watch
what is left

And I will cry, at my own funeral
Is there resurrection for me?
Awhile, I will sit down
pray for the worst
not to come

I got low with my own thoughts.
I got high again.
But the high had side effects
is that really all that is?

I got high and I hit my head
And there began my pain.
It's simple but I am going to comply.
But sometimes it still feels like a lie...
It's not second guessing
It comes from deep within

The light turns strobe-like
I can't abide

If I could account for my shadows and my rays
grab them and feel them, know them well
would it be better this way?
Do I have the key yet?
I think so!
But...

Is this a fake catharsis? How to difference
which is it?
What is the road to take? Open your eyes
You will see the game
Do not be fooled once again
Learning to do this, what life is