Now I see it the way it is...
It is complex, and maddening, and confusing
And beautiful

I gotta wipe you as soon as it can be
I gotta kick this made-up hate from me
Not remembering what you meant to me
making it all look so bleak
it's easy to dismiss once it has fled
or we have killed

But there was cracks of pain also
So much longing never met by you
There was madness, some things were not cool
It was me a bit, but oh it was you too
Every kiss a heart pierced by swords
Every week needing the drug
Every bruised moment healed, but constantly hurt

How to reconcile such aching
with such lust?
You would make me hot then do me wrong
And that would twist my little heart
All the tears, connected to those chills
To be with you anywhere, it was such a thrill
That's the crux of it!
How bound, how free!

The crux of it, now I am confused
about what is it with me and you

You made me smaller
To you - all devoted
nothing inside me - but you, you, you
I became so distant from my truth

You reduced me to a cartoon - no longer a girl
or a woman for that case
You reduced our love to a quick bed -
and I accepted it so well
Losing, dying and I couldn't help
Crying, rotting away!
I could see it sometimes, but didn't dare to face
Now I've got clear vision - I see for miles
Everywhere

And I don't want to go back to that place
to that state
I feel strong. A real life size girl.
Smaller. Love made me a Bonsai girl

On you I was fed
but it was poison running my veins
in the very last days
It never was enough
I just want to grow!

You were not aware - I buy that
but now I am - I gotta take care
I might have lessened myself -
but to step back it's okay

What do you think there is further?
What kind of milk and honey lies there -
what paradise do I expect?
Can't you see things for real?
You're running away
Again

Icelandic men with lips full open
Surprises that I can sense but not know
No duties for a wandering soul!
Nights of riot and pleasure, days with the Sun
the feeling that I'm on the right road
to a destination of my own

I have no idea where those things are
but it is like an imperative right now
I've got to carry on

The bitterness next to the desire
Love hurts! they say, but I am tired
Like weird sisters they go hand in hand
He is like an open itchy wound and you love that too
Becomes a part of him and you
It becomes the canvas for sickly passionate love
The pain as a way to connect with us
Loving you is bitter, no longer a good plan
Good memories blended with little knives
Good memories not distinguished from bad ones
What a twisted way to fall in love

In the passage zone
I found my soul
It was a troubled one, perhaps
But I had to give up
the plan

The hours grew, your kiss was good
but not enough though
The twilight opened my eyes!
I jumped when I was about to die
I saw a light - that I could not avoid

I don't need your crumbs!
I don't need my anxiety on the phone
To be focused on you - never focused back
And you don't need me being bound
Never more
I will die for love, but I will make sure
I am not the only one - although I know well
I would do it again
You taught me a lesson - one I still don't know

And I came thinking of you somehow
It wasn't you, but it was close
the shadow of a man I saw
It wasn't expected but so is your love
You are an undeniable impulse
But so is he, in his very own way

And he is not real
but he has a point
he touches a side of me
if else asleep
Do I need to be free to reach?
What is this funny sparkle I feel?
Why it waned?

"Thank you Icelandic eyes
Thank you **** webs
Thank you holy break up
Thank you Twitter girls
Thank you friends
Thank you poetry"

He's the burning ice
And he's the everyday fire
Two sides of me
that I must reconcile

I am dying inside with all this ****
which shores up my soul
But I am seeing a new road
I need my vision dose
I saw my meaning, an answer
This is a remain too
What should I do?

I don't want to live my life
on silence
on this dead peace
I want the noise, I need the beat
to make me lose it
with joyful tears
I need the thrill of the ride
I need the riot inside
I need the quiet independence

I've got too many sensations to write them down
they flutter around me, they are so loud

I was a Bonsai girl - severed and shaped by your love
I forgot who I was - addicted to your drugs
I need to grow - once again
Will I get trapped? In my own wild foliage
Nothing holds me back - not you, not I
So sweet your bed - but I need something else

The doors are wide open - I just can't say no
I should have done this much before
Day 0 will save us all

Manless! Because I can
There is calmness, human connection, warmth!
There is a world apart from ***
There is a world less rough over there
Rite of passage passed - I am sane
Let me lose my mind again
I was not alone all this time - and I don't need a man
A new era opens its jaws - I go all for it now

And you are back, so am I.
We always meet, every day, every night.
You creep into my dreams to boycott them,
while in the day you keep me alive.
I love you. That's why I behave like I lost my head.
I hate you. It's not true, you make me insane.

You are not guilty at all
your only sin is being alive
making paradise
out of this intrincate hell

Here I am - completely disgregated
Never breaking down was so pretty
Stitch me, sew me back again
Stop thinking - start living
but ah, my leg is stuck in the machinery

My days were fun at first
But now you are a drying kind of thirst
"You're beautiful"
I live to raise your altar in my mind
I live to live under the boot of your smile
But all I get is this - not much and not all
I live for this dead thing that will surely harm some
You're starting to wane, so I fight fight fight back
Because I love you so so so much

Oh you boy
I am your stalker and it's fun
but you must know how crazy I am
But only sometimes...

Hard to find words lately
Hard to do my thing.
But so easy getting in
the ivory tower of obsession
And dying there, too too deep
The ivory tower can ****

Everything contained and uptight inside
Nothing blooms, nothing thrives
"At last it doesn't die" I merely survive
but I'm enjoying the ride though
Your blue eyes seem to fill the emptiness
But they really do not take away this mess
This inarticulated stress!

You are starting to disgregate
what you really want from your self
Be aware! Organize your guts
Give up control for all
Be the Chariot and the Fool

The doors have opened wide
in front of my eyes
I see a future bright and scary
I have to step inside

I will never forget the days I spent with you
I won't forget you were the first to see through
I won't forget your sweet love and *** in Berlin
In fact me and my hand haven't so far

But I have to say
it's getting too much to stay
too much pain too much nerves
And I don't want anymore to depend
I feel a peace I can't explain

Can we solve it?
Can we keep on trying?
or is it reckless senseless persisting?
What do I want? I need your body close
Without you I'm an empty box
You are the distiller of my thoughts

But I see, I need this to be
I gave you too much of me
To the point where I would break you
I've got a vision I can't see
But I have to try at least

How to say goodbye
when the gods whisper in your ear
and you still love the guy?
I want to cry in your arms
over this beautiful mistake
will meet you again in another life

What if there is only back to black without
It's not okay using you as my layout
Am I simply entertaining myself too well?
If I do, why do I want to stay there?

I feel vertigo
it seizes my guts
yet I know this is life
what I dreaded for so much

What do I do with it babe?
With the contradictions
My impulses spinning in all directions
Confusing truth with obsessions

What do I do with what I felt?
I confused it all once again
Looking at girls is okay,
but I can't without the guys

This is a map Pan hands me
I have to read it with glee
his words are unspoken
but he screams!

this is what I ******* need
to be alive
but the voice in the back
keeps me restrained and shut up

Am I going back
away from this ivory town
Where I could not touch the sky
Whose hand, will I?

And where do you all ghost lovers go?
Where do I go when I'm not home?

I am hooked on you
merely hooked
not in love
and not desiring anymore

I have to learn to handle
so you don't destroy me
and I don't destroy you either
I've already been here

The mind is such a liar
the heart it entangles much
this emptiness
sure doesn't help

You came in a given matrix
but you can't turn to be the matrix itself
(You never were, and thus is how big things are made)
The matrix is bigger than you
and much bigger than me

This stylization is not stylish at all
This standby of the soul
this going deeper to the seams
which burst and scream
but I can feel

Give me more questions
give me more ecstasy
give me this holy break
give me the sacred visions

You left me for good, for sure
You are not here anymore
And I love you
But I am starting to scatter
to flutter
there is magic that you diseminate
but you are starting to wane

The inertia goes
and there is a standby in my bones
a peace I didn't know
This is nothing but a wasteland, but...
I wish I could truly love...

My mental liaisons seem so real
I could feel him in my bed for a little bit
The  old cold is seeping through again...
but it was the prelude to really sail...
I am thirsty for what I can't touch
I live for the ashes, if I can't have the fire

Are you coming back? Are we?
He won't be here
And neither will I be

I look at her leg -
I just can't process
it's not ***, it's not ***!
Then, what else?

A defectuous pressure over there
Nothing to do with him
But it's so real, so clear
You can't just let it pass you by

I've been particularly bad these days
Problems with my *** drive and everything else
Slowly slowly, things did escalate
I knew I was heading for mayhem
Did I care?
And here I am, again in non-pain

I look at her leg - I want to run away
The awakening is followed not by the Sun
But this life feels so odd, it's not my own
Everything upside down

The horror, the horror
has many shapes
but this one is the superb one

Sad, sad come tonight!
But I gotta explore this, till I go blind
Can't let myself slip from my hand

All that tingling in my skin
Won't all these mirrors tell the truth about me?
The mirror are gone, now grey walls
Sizzling girls, hard *****
Oh, so-called love killed them all
You burn in your own ashes
So you can't burn

And I'm back to the place I come from
but I can't look at it the way I did for so long
This is unbearable emptiness, a vacancy in the heart
And below my shorts.

I've been in the lowest low
and I don't want to go again, because I know!

I am a missing link, I am a restless thing
I can't stop, I can't live, because I miss
I miss what's sacred: bliss
I want so desperately to connect
To tear down those tethers from my head

No learning - just time wasting
Who dragged me here - by my own hand
This paradise-hell of **** and ***** stares
Turned into this dysfunctional state

Saddest ******
No love
Not even that one
Saddest ******
Saddest days
I need to get away
I need a good shrink today
Love hit rock bottom!
Can we go up from there -

I lost my voice, somehow
because I lost my heart
I am the same, but I am lost

Life without you
is high and dizzy
a rollercoaster to live it

I am strolling through
and I don't know what I do
I fall for guys I barely know
in my bed alone I come

Life without you
is uncertainty!
Here we are
waiting for the sun to dawn
on us

Life without you
will carry us somewhere
this wait will be over
How you coping without me?
Are you as gone as I can be?

Hell
has a very confusing shape
how could it be other way?
Hell
lives in a strange place

Hell is your parents' words
in adulterated thoughts
Hell is not being understood
and caring way too much

Hell is being drifted away!
I miss my old pain
for it was real though

Hell ends up always, says the sage
I have no other method
than trusting what he says
Hell is being away
from yourself
Powerlessness then

It's like it was with Gitte
But now I know better
Spent years trapped
I will fight not to come back

How spaced out and disgregated
can I be?
My thoughts scattered
so I can't see
Everything out of place
Arranging madly, can't rest

I've been here before
Confusing beauty and love
But I felt your hand on me
And God I could feel
But I forgot, I chase those things

I am ******* distorted
Today
Take me away, again

This is low energy happiness
This is mush smile
This is killing time
I am hurting myself
to stay alive
Where's the fever I felt?
Gone astray - I cry
I am not real anymore

I remember these days
in a hurtful sun
Made of bricks and lost dreams
While not aware of it
Who rot them?

His voice is the only ray of light
His beauty pervades it all - my **** angel
I can't reach it - it's at hand but my hand
slips
my brain - twitch, twitch

I am happy but something's amiss
it is the hole left by your kiss
or the struggle and the bliss

Will I have to live a life on hugs?
I've already been there - it doesn't pay off
While yearning for the true love -
I am in the other side of my brain
how can I get out?

I know more than I did
but still as lost as I've been
I think

Dead inside - but with a smile

Fake, fake everything.
Gotta go to sleep - reboot me
Please God don't keep me here

Ah, my sweet Icelandic crush.
I've been through you before.
I saw your face then, thought: ***?

Beauty is beauty I guess.
I never could break away from the spell.
But I must be able to separate
types of beauty

I was just clumsy
I am clumsy

Tumblr girls dedicate their lives
to guys they will never know
I am drowning with them tonight
I was one of them back in time

And you were sweet
until you popped in my hot dreams
You never were one!
You just came to trouble me

Everything is so intrincate and delicate
Everything is everything
Everything so dual
Everything so fake, so true

And this is a love fantasy
not true love or lust
this is a beautiful face
doing damage

Male muse
You are just like all of them
So destructive
Are you real?

Know the enemy
it's you, it's them
It's a fakeness
You can't shake
It's a lack of space
It's being okay
while chronically tired
Tense

He is you
You are him
All of you - concocted here
At least your eyes are pretty

Let's erase all the pseudopoetry
let's stay within reality
(which is true poetry)

Know the enemy
How to defy him?
SO MUCH PAIN!!
Can pills or tea take it away -

I woke up this morning
feeling so odd
half bad, half good
all full of doubts

Change, I have to change!

Change because I can't stay
this way till we break
Our love is too great
"Our love defies understanding"

And get high on raw ***
and raw love
I have a thousand words
and a flickering, strong
feeling in my bones

Go ******* deep!
Sail on your ship!

How much beautiful was it with you
But you're not here, and I still have to move
Oxytocin high - can't let it pass me by
The rainbow after the rain
The rain of my desire

I spend it with myself
with my schizotypal friends
I should be laying on my bed instead...
whispering poems on your ear
It's unnatural, painful in a way
But this rush I have to take

And I substitute all my obsessions
True desire for pornographic sessions
That lack any kind of foundation
The foundation of your pleasure...

It's always you
it's never you

His voice makes me high
His eyes make me fly
He speaks my world of ache, despair
And coats it with piercing beauty instead
My world of black, my breathless world
He was there when it crumbled too
Yet I could not see through
I am behind the veil now, so I do
Existential boredom and hunger for some relief
from everything
even *** seems sickening
Yet I can't stop having it

He is not ****** - but he is a pleasure too
He is an angel - from **** heaven
He is beautiful - he doesn't have to try to
In a bodyless world (what a blessing,
what a curse) I'd be with him of course

I need my trip down the rabbit hole
I need to know
But what I really need -
A black fly interposed in my thoughts

This clarity
without a meaning
This empty vision

A world of ******
but no ***
Just a hole - clogged

Just a vessel - drained
Just desire - with pain
What did I do to deserve?
God - take me away from here
I deserve my slice of "It"

Give me rawness, go
This is no way to keep on
I've cried and sweated and felt a lot
Give me raw ***, raw love

Can I change my ways?
Can we try it again?
I love you more when I think I don't
But the truth is, I love you whole...

I will think of us.
I won't get wasted on this.
I will come back with an answer on my lips.
Can I come back now that I lost everything?
Or so it seems...
Why was I able to feel you so deep
in the shadows of my despair?
I held the key
But the demons are after me

I see the patterns
but I can't spot the answers
Happiness needs to be found
never sought after

If you are nothing to me, then
why do you flutter with pain?
I love you but I fled away
Clarity of the late night
when I heard God's voice loud.
You're a cyst stuck on me,
You're a vestigial, deep ache
How can I tell you about my hell
without it swallowing me first?
Every thought of you - has a sense

Is it that I love you?
Oh moment of clarity!
Seize me again

This was always my torture
This was always my pain
The one thing in my brain
that blew away

Why? I have no idea why
But the more time passes
I know right?

A permanent wound in my head
Was I born this way?
Clouding my understanding
But a truth never dies
What to do with two? or many of them?

Who will guide me through this path
Will you
I can do it myself
But it's better if we do...

I don't know what to do
I just see the wounds
This must make sense in the end

Oh, God!
Came to you so hard.
But I'm stepping on reaver land.
I better calm down.

What am I becoming?
My life is toiling under pleasure.
We cracked under the pressure.
These ******* are fine, (else I'd lie)
But they have a bitter taste deep inside.
Dopamine keeps me alive - but it has a price
I'm losing my mind.

*****, it's not enough! Your love, it was not enough,
back then! But every shadow of you makes me shake...
I bring you back in every ****. Or did you bring me back to God?

I'm cracking since you fled.
Can you fix the damage done?
And I am blooming in new ways,
but really I know I am withering away.
I was a strange wild flower, now I'm in the sewer.
This time it won't work, I am too broken.

Who told me I'd become an addict
to the earthquake below?
While I'm hungry on your love - no longer
just a dead beat in my guts
a hope some hours - destroyed many more
Ditch the **** - find your own
find your soul
if you are not already lost!

Why do I go to see girls ******* on men like you?
Why all my joy, fantasy of life is through?
My dear, I shipwreck without you

Am I going for a deeper ride?
Drown my hands in the shaky sand
So much fear, cemented in years
I want to scream for help
But no one's there, not even my tears.

Oh love! Elusive force
without it we rot
Impulses separated - love from lust
Don't be fooled - they are not truly apart
How come we are? How blind?
Why pain feels so fresh?
Solo ***, does it save?
I guess it does, but I miss your caress

Since we fell in love,
fear was flying around.
Fear that I might lose it,
and weird thoughts.

I fear losing my ***,
more than anything else!
All these videos we recorded.
Now I am on the other end.

So much to dig out,
expect me, I'll be back.
But you won't. And then I'll hold tight
to **** Hub.
(You'll do the same, but you are not as broken)
Oh God!! Spare me this!!

Since you left
All I do is to please myself

With any stuff that comes my way
And I don't feel as great
as it was with you, babe
******* and girls and ***** in my bed
Wish you were here, so we had fun
But I am blocking you - saddest part
I am not fulfilled like this, but if this is
what life deals for me
I will kiss that girl Mireia and run with it.

I don't know where this leads
But show me the way quick.
Came with a **** - but ah, chicks like me!
Are they the reflection to my kinks?
All the doubts are back! Again 13!
Dear, take me away from here!
Take me away from me!

Lately there's a rock
bottled up energy in my crotch
and I come every night
but it's not as sweet as it was
Do you come thinking of me? Do you?
Sweetest thing. Wish I could.

I love you...

Won't May go please away
It's getting long and dreary and insane
Counting down the days
To see your face, speak your name
Tell you what it has been
Be together again.

And never repeat the mistakes we had
And rejoice in our love which always was.
Yesterday I saw it clear, we could be back
Please, make it happen this time!

I love you so much - this I know
won't we come back - take away this gap
Baby, baby, baby,
never more be afraid of us

We will not break up - this I know
This is the thing lingering in my thoughts

Amy: I have never drowned like you
But in fact, all of us have done too
Amy - take me to the center of brokenheartedness
fly with us to the core of the problem
You are my shadow, what I should never be
You are there for me! Dead only in flesh

It's all there in your lyrics: in your voice
The pain of love, sharper than anything else.
The chaos of the heart!
You are a friend and a cautionary tale
How you destroyed yourself.
How you loved so intense
How much you resemble, at times, myself.

You had to look in the eyes of the devil
every day;
You took too deep a dip in the waters of life
Wrong bay, wrong place!
You died for us, so we didn't have to suffer
You already suffered for us to be saved.
You are no Christ;
But you shine a light - through tears and ache

And I pray to never be you, we never want to be you
But we run to your songs, when the weather's not good

Bradley: you must know
I am not in love with you at all
but you are a slice from God
Your mouth, your keyboard pours God
Still you are unaware

Your words - a sage from East London you are
You are a vector from God - you beam me up
Oh sage! Oh wise one!

No I don't want to be hidden in my room anymore
Well, I do, but I don't want to hide from my thoughts
I want to be who I am who I get to be
Slaying demons - a schizotypal queen

I don't want to feel inertia drowning my bones
That deadly peace I had going on
I want to feel it deep feel it true be who I used to
But what if you leave? Too attached to you
It seems natural, and good
but we are torn in two
But oh, I was in love with you
But oh, what to do?
Am I too?

This standby - what the **** is it about?
I will use it for good
I will wait for you
I won't lose
this time
I will win
as a schizotypal queen

I need to be
the schizotypal queen
owning my many triumphs
not giving in
I have never been as me
as I have been with you
I am who I am, didn't have to try
Now you draw a line, you say it's for good

Can we take it back
can we, can we, can we
I am the schizotypal queen
and was even more so when you were with me
I am the schizotypal queen
And I can make it happen again,
I guess.

May it looks hectic and hellish
May is rotten away
May is a triumph of love against world's face
But oh, the battle
May - pain
Fading from black to grey
And back again.

A crown of thorns
May tastes sour, bitter
A bad thought! A new doubt!
Why does it come

I make the weather
And the weather makes me too.
Who does who?

The eyes of the world are a strain
They increase and excite my inner pain
But I have come to see
that once again
the problem is somehow me

May is going to be hard
But let's trust each other's hand
Let's trust the flow that nourished us so far

I always see a problem come
but never see happiness when it does
I am attuned to disaster

A hiatus - not really
we'll live in the margins
but we will live
though

Life is steady - trying to **** us up
Trying to get in the way of us
But this nuisance that pierces
is nothing but a speck in the eye of the universe
Even to our own eyes. It burns, mortal eternal, and blinds,
but it won't make us die.

"My pain is tiny but oh it is fierce"
I would be glad if it dissappeared.
My ache is minor - but I complain because it ******* stings.
And I can't see an end to it
But it exists

And I am feeling lonely
but the Sun
tells me I have to wait
for us to glow
again

The fear holds me tight.
Are you doing things behind my back?
I love you so.
This is all you need to know.

This waiting is so long
Fills my mind with odd thoughts.
Do you care about this
as much as I do?

The Sun shines outside,
and I've been here some other times.
I won't fail twice.
The Sun is a promise
do you say yes?

Come with me in my red Mary Jane shoes.
We'll get lost in love as we always do.

Mother - you make me choose
between my love and you

You reanimate all my inner fears,
all these little nuisances that do itch!
You want to help me but
you don't know what the deal is

And I look at him and I can't feel his love
Did you place a screen to protect my heart?
Or to protect yours?
Do I want to become the rotting ****** I was
Do you want me not to reach who I can be?

And you are like a knife,
that turns to poisonous thoughts
filled with love
I don't want to talk because
to each their own world

Do I have to battle this now - is this not a demon to slay now - but a handicap, earthly prickly one.
You pit the dogs against us - his sin,
his birth year
My brain pollutes, mom - if I let you in
I just cannot be.
If you let me in, I'll burst yours from within.
But you'll close your eyes, you can't see.

You've never understood
so I stopped waiting for you to do.
You don't know about my life and death,
about how I freed myself.
It was his hand - all over me
It was sacred fate - and a good shrink

I am back - I never went away
All you've been - all you are today
The heart never rests, it heals and re-creates
The glass breaks to the old tunes
It never forgets

So, tune in to this old station
Of songs awakening dormant wide-eyed passions
And watch her come back, say look at me
We are one - we will always be

And I show this stranger her real name
And we talk in the rain
Washing out our pain...
And she shows me the path
In a meeting from above that goes beyond time

She is back, she crashes into my brain
She is dead - but I am not dead yet
And it was true - but I could hear something else
The distant voice - the scream - of the old self
Saying, showing:
"The wounds you carried
they beat below the stitches, but it's not the pain only,
it's the heartbeat of the living"

Everything is dying and eternal,
waiting to regenerate...
watch out for the demons
but speak to them first

Waves come and go
But you are not the waves themselves
More words pouring from God's mouth
In the shape of my friends

Paranoid thinking all over the place
I can't perceive its true face
It hides, it eludes recognition
It creeps into my heart
It's all black, no white
It's the devil in disguise

One day up, two down
Two days high, one so low
My mood shifts as paranoia seizes me
Feeling my guts do the old shrinking
My mood shifts and so does the suffering
Tears and wide smiles
I see the Sun, I see it drown
I see it clear, I see it not

Everything's quiet but there's a beat below
Bonsai girl

The world seems beautiful today
My clothes are weird that's what they say
But I have never felt so great

I doubt all I am everyday that comes
Some spirit opened all my doors
Strange behavior but so much love
Green Day albums and stuff

For the first time in my life
Things do not hurt so much
Unlearn all the **** I've learnt
******* myself to survive then

It's just
there is a light in my tunnel
there's a lantern in my heart
It seems to take away all the dark

She's beating because she's all she is
and she does not
She's crying, she's breathing, she's loving
She doesn't know but she thrives
on the little things of life
Because that's all she can touch,
all her branches can reach so far
(but it's more than enough)
Pills and new friends and sleeping after lunch
Bonsai Girl of her class

Psychotic philosopher on the make
A man is whispering her name
And the thought is making her wet
Can her little frame
take this wave

She's a Bonsai Girl
and she's beautiful
but she's bound yet
The past is only the past
but sometimes it hits me with strength
And I can feel the old things
As they were.

Our love was great
But it cannot stay that way
I gave you everything
But you gave it away

No more air to clear
With fights and what comes after it
Tired of this ****
Love does not ache, but it became daily death
For me

You drive me back here - everything at stake
I really didn't wish this, but you like it this way
I never wanted it to end - but
You are generating pain I can't digest

Poetry! She came back
The moment I kicked you out
You had my heart, but you crush it merciless
You crush it with duties and excuses
You crush me most weekends...

I love you to death, but there is a pressure in my chest
Long dreary mornings, sleeping without rest.
I feel so weak but I am tired of carrying the blame.
If I am weak, we could carry both the weight.
I feel so sick, laying nervous in my bed.
I give you my everything, but you refuse to engage
So now it's time I push you away.

And how to handle this - hurting you I never wish
How you will make me feel sorry for your problems
And guilty that I have them
What to do?! What to do!
So hard being the surgeon again
When I buried my scalpel for death
So hard being the cold surgeon with tears in her face
But I can't live this way

And if finally it doesnt break
You will have to follow my game
You will have to show
That you care

You were my light
I held you as a match
I see now with open eyes
And I see our fabrics,
and they are worlds apart

Your lack of sense is captivating
But it is what it is
We are antithetic - made of different fires
I wished once I was you
Now I know it wouldn't be cool

Now I see who we are
We are islands - what the ****?
Now I see your meaning exact
Empty - of all my pain and all my stars.

Words can't contain a world
Ironic fact that I wrote
Words are nothing but a road
leading to the higher

Words are not the thing itself
The thing itself needs nothing else

The cancer is not fully extirpated
It died inside my body instead
I watch it like a dead corpse
but indeed, once a time it was

I still breathe it...I can feel it
it is gone but forever kept
Not with nostalgia or regret
Just like one watches something dead

No sweet sharp on point metaphors today
Just a lot of confusion and a bit of pain

I can't make beautiful shapes with it
It's a deep, thick mesh of thorns
Of feelings going up and down, right and wrong
I can't get my hand inside
without getting hurt first
I need to - how to?

I will talk to you later
Let's heal over, heal over, heal over
You and me
I will do anything
Would you for me?

I never want to stop loving you
I'll wait for better times
This better be worth my while

Been blaming you all the time
for the things that really were mine
You would not swallow my pills
but it wasn't you somehow it was me

There is a question in the floor
the approval I need
is mine not yours

What drove me here to the stars
Was pure luck
Was nothing but a lack of fear at all
But I dared to roll the dice

I have no problems, I don't.
I wake up every morning and slay 'em all
But there is a shade in this canvas of doubt
I hadn't seen before

Something keeps me away
from stopping to be away
But it grows and grows everyday

I don't want this, do I?
Sitting in this corner feeling uptight
I am not like you at all
Sweet relief, being on your own

The approval I need
needs to go to hell
I never lived for it
I will scream my heart out
I will bask in the Sun

I have already been here
What to do next? What to think?
Clouded thinking can be explained
in so many ways
I have already talked to God
(and it wasn't his voice at all)
I have already lost my mind
I have already felt sane, when I was going down

I really don't wish... - now I see it clear
No one is going to whisper the answer in your ear
But your own will
your own heart
your own being
No cards no omens and no advice
No foretelling no analysis no signs
but this riddle inside

Do I have to cleave
Do I have to keep
there is an answer, there is
but no one is going to show me
but myself

Nervously hitting the switch - I can't be back here!
I know more than I did - but still
do not wave the past at me!

I am not this - I've never been
but I will -somehow- always be

I cannot think - I cannot be
(I used to write convoluted verse about it)
It's not a cliché - I mean it for real
In the amidst of horror there are no words
Horror - it swallows the whole

I shake, I ache
My whole life hangs by the wire of the light
And I am aware of what I do not like
It's you (no) it's me, it's everything

To let little things control me
To not be free anymore
I fight but I get tired

So weird writing this poem! So weird being here tonight!
But I will save myself from me - this time

I can't see the Sun as clear, yet it shines
I feel left alone, yet I'm not
I can't see what I love in my face, yet it is there
I can't touch what I want (you my heart)
yet it didn't die...

Keep casting spells on the walls of the jail with songs
Keep waiting for better days to come
Yet, nothing is wrong, just cloudy weather
but no storms

Carry on with this little burden of mine
That I will carry on for you
to relieve you from the weight
I know you love me, but you are away
Like the Sun on a rainy day
It might be mock darkness,
but it freezes all the same
I know you love me
,though, so I endure
the winter while I wait