I am the *****
oh God I've been hurt
I am the ******
oh God I've been damaged

I am the *****
I give myself love
because no one is going to, I know
and tears come to my eyes
but I shake it off with a stranger's touch
I am the ******
I shut down
because pain eats my whole
I run away from what I cherish the most

He could have given me all,
so I give myself to anyone
He could have given me all,
so I can't see his ilk no more

it's no longer my style
to wait for you all night
it's no longer my way
to endure stoically the pain
I'd rather grab my pen,
I'd rather sail away
with my head

I am the *****,
tired of all this play
I am the ******,
every night feverishly touching myself
And we meet at some point,
and we break the same way.
We are one,
we are the shattered hearts
but not right from the start

And maybe you are another oppressive link
to break with

Caught like I will always be
This tension to exist - this is to live
The wound carries the solution
The solution is there for you to **** on
it is the whole world and just a spot
Your questions are answers of its own
The wound is a chance to heal
Give it time, give it time, it will.

This is the ultimate empowerment
To feel connected to the SOURCE

Not to feed
upon
pain
rage
bad vibes
but onto
that free flowing movement
the waves
Remember them?

The waves carry you everywhere
You just need
to let 'em
But it's not easy, I agree

Not to die
Not to fight
Not to obsess
To trust
-hardest stuff-
To think well
and not too much anyway
To live
it's art
you need nothing else
if you get it
you need no further

To drown yourself
in the sound and the love
in your million doubts
hold them close
do not let them eat you up

To drown yourself
in waters only giving access
to other realms

Mariana, how are you?
I left you at 13 and now I come back
Mariana, you died because I killed you
but it wasn't me, but the pain I was put through

Mariana let me kiss you
And tell you things are going to be okay
You committed the mistake
to hide instead of burning the bridge
with desire to fly from this ******* grey thing

Mariana, you burnt your skirt and danced
and I died instead
Now you take the wheel
and it's for keeps
it's for dreams
Mariana hello there
Mariana goodbye
Mariana stay

How to sum up what I feel
only now I had you (in a way)
I dare to write it

Who are they? To judge what I deem best
What can a professional ******
tell me about steamy beds?
Who are they? Anyway
I thought they were my friends
But I always confuse terms -
(my story is the story of the confusion
of a girl)

And why am I bound to them
was it fate
was it chance
it was years I felt this unwell

Confront your fears
but run away
from beasts

I float away
right now
I wish I floated on
your arms
It hurts it hurts it hurts
I am torn
Back to the old
I felt strong -

Just drop me a line
or a word
that will be enough
and if not
it does not matter,
no OCD in this heart.

Just love, love, love
and all those pretty things
they seem to be unaware of
I will open their eyes
But I am this alien,
I can't fake it

Mariana had everything a girl could wish for
Her parents approved it and she smiled
Her friends said for once it was right
Everything easy - the waters still
Everything in place, where it should be
Her lover kissed her everytime
but she can't put her soul when she does
2 meters tall and blue eyed
A breathing fantasy - but something's amiss
Mariana always felt this
Mariana had the perfect life
But she has the perfect twist

But Mariana has a yearning inside
A blaze devouring her guts
making her burn in desire
All of this is a lie
She's missing the fix from his brown eyes

Mariana had already done this before
But this time she feels so unwrong
Mariana has already broke up
with everything in the world
but this time she'll shoot for keeps
this time she doesn't get killed

Mariana said STOP
Suddenly, so abrupt
I want to get off this bus
Because she's got something best
This is not what I want
I am merely trying to get along
Mariana burnt the house down
in pure joy to exist

Everyone was so shocked
She saw the light
she had been trying to look the other way
but you can't run away
from the promises desire makes

And now Mariana is on the road
and she's home
her soul is free and some say she's gone
but she does not care
beauty hit her in the face
and that's something she can't refuse

I woke up this morning
Clairvoyance
everything falling into place
Feeling so full, so great

It was your kiss
it was your body all over me
it was - reality
it was - a fantasy
it was - everything

Clairvoyance - I never wanted him
I don't need anything but this
This hunger gets met
How good it felt

I woke up this morning
And all I felt was your breath on mine
It wasn't real, but I can feel
for miles

Clairvoyance - you and I
Clairvoyance because you fill me up
Clairvoyance because I ******* can

He liked the Pixies
and noisy rock as much as I do
but oh he could not
make me feel like you

His name is Alejandro, he is
the Swede from San Fernando
blue eyes and 2 meters tall he is
but oh he couldn't beat
your brown eyes and the glasses
and the shiver when you take them off
and kiss me strong

He was the prediction my parents made
a vegetarian lover that does care
and messages me all day
but my parents never read
my future too well
(They have good intentions
but they see no further)

He was a dream
He talked to me, but something's amiss
Something! - you are not him
He was not my dream
not the dream sweetly crafted
by God for me
not the dream I carry simply being me
are you, dear?
I only have these feelings to prove
and if that's the proof
then I'm ******* sure you are His/Her design
But that's not why I love you
I love you simply because...
you are you.
because of us

Some bury themselves in parties and drugs
other bury their head beneath their pillow
to choke their selves to death
Yet we are somehow the same
"No one makes it alive", they say
So don't blame us, we are just trying to cope
and it will never ******* stop
Adolescents - take no ****
from us adults - that forgot how we used to
bleed

Some take a path wrong - others simply stay home
Some wither because they just don't know how
All of them scratching 18 with their nails
The world lies there, but you can't fetch
Crotch about to burst in trampled on desires
unacknowledged life and shine under the teenage void
And I stopped being one of you years ago
But I can feel still every word
And I know you cannot die
in the same way that neither can I.

watch out for the small vital treasure -
your heart
your ***
your soul
Do not let them bite you off
unless it's in the neck
and that oh God feels good

My friends they are going to **** me
but I don't really think I care now
Bradley's saying it will lead to tears
but I felt so complete

That we might be back -in fact, we are-
and this time, we will make it grand
You didn't kiss my wounds
but they healed with your touch

My parents they are going to freak out
that I will be yours once again
but I don't think I am the same girl

Nothing's the way it was
Thank God!

How to make the magic
stay?

Familiarity is a *****
She's a very weird one indeed
She's the upside and the downside - everything!
To see you again and feel some of what I always felt
Even if it's dead - familiarity is the ghost that stays
So many people wrecked
because of familiarity's spell
So many people healed and brought back to the Sun
because of familiarity's hug
People kissing old lovers, folks lost in drugs

Familiarity - a small stone in my shoe...
Fiona was right all the time,
"I just really used to love him",
and familiarity
is what broke her then,
familiarity is the quiet storm
in a muddy heart

Alex of the twilight sits in front of me
In the twilight of his days,
just moments before his sunrise
-I bet-
And my soul is spilling as well as his
I don't know which way, though
He is opening his ******* soul!
(It took a shipwreck for him to do so)

His hair is long now
His heart is widened
If it only happened
some months before
But
no use in crying over spilt loves

And I am trying to push away
all the things brought back now
You are not dead - you are dying
Everyday and everyday, decaying

But I'd lie if I say I am deaf to your tones
To heal the wound you opened
that I stitched on my own
the scar is there
and this is stitching for its sake
it's opening the scab
to bleed once again!

You changed so much
yet you I can't trust
I flipped the page, why can't you?
I said hello to life
So my extra baggage I waved goodbye
You keep stuck to my side

Alex of the twilight, I am here, I am here
But this time - not what you think
I wish you good, even if good
is built upon our shipwreck -
that's kind of a truth
Life is not a line you can draw
life is a crazy sketch of torture and fun
and if you are lucky and smart enough
you can see the underlying pattern!
Yet it won't be the mind
opening the doors to your eyes
Life I can't measure with words
I'd rather do, do, do
and write while I stroll through.

If he's dead then why you so afraid
if he's dead then why you shake
if it's dead then why you run away
if it's dead then why all this mess, hey?

You've been caressing your brain
with the nettles of thoughts of him
you don't want the man
you could have sworn
but a part of you still yearns for his touch
his love?

and I have to get away from you!
I see the sun shine when I do
I come in his arms all night through
you're a black spot on my light
but you and I could be sweet
if I knew how to do this

We've crossed the barrier
we've melt the ice
can we do it still
tell me what is the price

I guess I am still confused
but until you came I was so good
I want you, and maybe you do too
But we must wait for the flames
to be consumed
not to give in
we will die if we do it again
(at least I will)

Those flames
that have been set on by fate
and a little help from my friends

Reason never won
but reason is nothing but a beacon
of the light of the heart

Dishing out burgers
You tell me out of nowhere
that I am slow, and oh that hair
Where do you go? Somewhere you don't know
Somewhere you'd never dare
I simply live as artful as I can make

I am fairy dust
this is how I saved myself from going mad
You have no right to go
and condemn my unholy lamb

Where's my answer, where's my savior
I am 26, scraping through the papers
Scratching at the surface of something big

I will not give up to the man
I only do that in bed!
I could say or save so much but I only saved myself
it's a miracle everyday, you see
and I am geared towards the supernatural
geared towards the real thing

Oh ******* hurt me
and I might listen to you in the end
But you will never prevail
And where's my place
where on Earth?
You ain't them, never forget
But being half human never felt so great

You have no right to attack me
Because I am an alien force
I am odd, oh God
but I am strong
And in the end you'll lose
Because we carry the light
and protect it with our lives

I was 23
Too old to fall in love like a teen
But I had to begin right from the point
I left it
And now I find we are
in a place I know from back in time

This romantic friendship is nothing new to me
And it's not gonna hurt, unlike anything

Ache makes me write
And this romantic friendship
Is everything and nothing
at the same time
(that's the crux of life)

This romantic friendship
this unhealthy dynamic
This getting high on you
minus the body
It's not poetry
what I am craving
but it's poetry what I am getting

I've been here before
and it was 5 seconds before sunrise
so I better wait, right?

You ****** me up
But so will he!
And if I have to choose one way to die
Maybe I'd choose your existential problems
Maybe I'd choose your overdone libido
Maybe I'd choose your sweet gun

This romantic friendship
is what fills me when there's no him
even if no bed
We are turned to a kind of sunshine
cut below the waist

I am not behaving wisely
but neither do you!!
******* everything up
when things were right for once

There is a pattern in the sky
I can touch it and it hurts
There is a pattern in my mind
I see shadows, I never stopped being mad
I only got stronger, but my calling never stopped
I see stuff - only all the time
Am I mad, or am I just high
-eyes wide open-

I don't love you, I swear
but hands tied, this is my best
I am gagged - and probably used again

It was thrilling
You were my heart's true desire
All I needed to come alive
But you crushed it
Mercilessly
And I ate the crumbled cake
and got high on it
It saved my life
It was sweet nonetheless

And I flew to a different destination
And you lost my year long devotion
But you know, nothing ever dies
Not even you and I
I have to learn to live with this
Resisting desire,
the aftermath of what once was
But nothing ever dissappears
If you dare to dig
The key - to a happy or unhappy fate
Everything I live, I lived it back then
(and I'm ****** to this!)

Things I don't understand
only most of them!
And the night is disconnected
from the day
The body - walks away

This is all wrong
The wrong direction, the wrong road
Don't try to save face - just burn

The rush of thoughts
in my head
after coming
alone in my bed
A ***** fell from my head
Everything was going great
But that ***** made a mess

And there's no mess
in my morning mental musings
but I was tired of fighting
Burn love, it never saved me

Love is the biggest risk we run
But like the air, if we do not breathe
we die
Love is the only thing that will save us
from the cold fire
Love is scary - you are shaking in fear
at the sight of thirsty fullness
at the sight of Everything

The heart is wide
and big and wild!
You can't put doors to it
You can't tame its force
And that's the best
and that's the worse
But you can cut out the weeds
stopping its growth
You have to live with this Godly curse
Love is the thing, dear
But not the Word

It does not hurt
I've grown a protective skin
not a shell at all
But I can't hide that little sting
deep down

I admit my share of the weight
So I worked on it, and landed
to a more luminous place

I am a new woman
it does not hurt I said
Now my eyes have changed
but my brain is essentially the same
And the pain remains

Now I live for me, myself and I
(and who do I fool with that?)
and God I've grown up so much
But sometimes I must admit
my skin and its corrective balm
they break down

it's a bitter victory
over myself
it's an ironic smile
that burst into laughter
between the legs

It's painful it's different
it's saving me,
because they simply won't
And yet the truth is one
And the Sun...
what we all chase

There is something inside
that you just can't ****
it's the eternal
the chtonic
the real thing
it sleeps for years
next century it lives

You can't stop thinking
what about getting high
on life's drugs

It's nightmares
and dreams
it doesn't hide from you
so why did you do?
Can't speak anymore
yet my mouth dies to!
Sometimes I am too paralyzed
by pleasure
and the rest of the time
I am paralyzed by the afterthought

Just don't let it go
Let it get gone

I am so glad, so many reasons to smile
yet something rots inside
why, oh why?

Why am I so thrilled
to begin this journey without your kiss?
This kissless journey for you and me

My alien fellow traveler
you are lost, I showed you were so
Grab my friendly hand
-it reaches no longer
in the inside of your pants-
let's walk, let's walk

You make me somewhat high
when I am low
but I will help you
if I just can
no matter what!

You are sick, and broken,
and about to find something
You will swim the oceans to find
what you need
This is new - I want to see it be
You shine a light on me
But not as bright as him
I saw better days

Life is a moment
a flickering of the headlights
Then it's darkness
although sometimes

the light takes hold of the scene
only if you let it be

So much darkness, so much black
Ah, those moments so bright

If you live there
don't panic, don't fret
just wait for the lights
from night to day

Learn to discern
moments
Be your full self
Whatever it takes.

End of the painful poem
I draw the line here
My sad lines, that took me out from hell
My happy lines, that prompted my days

I want to look at the other side
but everyday life
is dark enough
so I don't even try
And I have seen a tiny light
so huge to my eyes

Love - you are elusive
so I won't try to trap you
It's a trap
*** - you are the truth
Love - who dares your name

I am wandering here
fluttering like
a mad butterfly
My anxiety to exist
was always so wide
And it will never stop
But the Sun blinds me
and I see nothing more

Want to join me in my ride?
I am ready to die
because it's the only way to stay alive
I admit - I am ******* high high high
But isn't that what it's all about?

My life is being  changed in so many ways
Silence and sound, everything gravitates
Silence when I'm full
Silence when I choke
Sound when I'm in heaven
when I'm in your arms
Silence and sound
Hidden but always present

And I feel too good to frame it
into a song
But something's missing then,
something's just a little wrong

I see the world
I see for miles
I'm stuck, I cannot write
But I could fly

I am seeing a different side
I haven't been so happy in a long time
I think...
I haven't been more conscious
that art is needed but so is life

The words flutter in my head
Life does!
But it dies in my guts
But it never fully dissolves
You are always who you are
That's the best thing
That's the worst.

There is something I cannot catch
something's on its way to sprouting
I better water it
I better empower it
Even if I feel dead sometimes

What if I told you about the ward?
About the dark shade all over my past
Would you walk away
fear the ghosts asleep above my head
They won't hurt you...
Dear, I am and I am not
the same girl

Here's my poem to you:
You make me wanna tear my scabs off
all the words they placed on my name
that once set me free, I must confess
and wish for something more
It's who I am: but it's not
I am more than the sum of my parts
and nothing at all

Ex-psychotic girl, that's me.
Never fully recovered,
but beginning to be
I have been everything

I am off the ward
oh, the Sun
is giving me a tan
and your eyes are lighting up
the bridges I burn

It's a shame
It makes no sense!
Will you leave
or will you stay?
We are a ******* dream
let's not make it
a nightmare

I have been everything, everywhere
to land finally here
In your sweet kiss

He says "Can we meet?"
And the drums of doom
the possibility of sweet sin
blur my eyes, make me dream in the daylight
But what about that?
I've been feeling wrong
so he turns up at the gates of my world

A certain drum roll inside of me
A song I know from years ago
I am not supposed to dance to it
I don't even like the beat no more
But God I am stuck
And I fantasize about his lips on mine
now it's drought time
about he would tell me
Dear I always loved you
I cannot keep to myself
all the things you make me feel
both heart and body

It's a male siren's song
It's my personal devil's call
But I light up and I fall
I'd better simply ******* to his thought
But it simply pops and stings with no content
yet he poisons my heart
Yet it is not their fault
I threaten to go dry again
But I will flood the doors open

He stirs the poetry in me
does he distill?
I got rid of him
but he is a cotton cloud, is he the Sun?
I claimed he was one

He was everything
now he is just something
and we are moving
towards something, whatever it is
budding

He says "eat me"
like a cupcake for sweet teeth
I don't really want him
I am stuck
I needed poetry
to realize my luck

You are a fantasy
but you are deadly
You are a reflection of me
but the love and the days we shared,
they were ******* real

I open myself
to the gift of your touch
We shake, the breeze of God blows on us
We came!
Those minor sweet steaming hours of our ***
Where we would first burn and blaze
****, kiss, devour each other like no tomorrow there
and then lay to rest
in each other's chest
Your body against mine - my favorite place on Earth
The body is aroused as well as the heart
it soars above common ground and aims to the clouds
(in fact it stays there, in your arms)
You are a quick acting drug, never having enough

But truth lies here
Truth slips from your fingers
But you can read the marks it left
in your palms

These sweaty mornings hiding from the rain
Winter and summer were for us all the same
Cookies sweetened with your hands on my body -
but here comes the strain
I keep coming here -mind the wordplay-
but you're floating away
*** that distills into a noisy silence in my brain
The afterwards air - "you don't want me there"
You are distracted, you don't ******* care
Every kiss leaves me hungrier than the first
It's an anxiety I can't put away
I am growing nervous, out of myself
I feel used and abused, but I love you too
My face sinks and my soul drowns
I gave you all, all, all
So nice to explode
It was all I had but you pushed it away
I gave you all my glory and my pain
Yet I know I've known the highest layers of
sky very well
These mornings we could read our names.

I won't ever forget
even if it's mourned and buried
Our love, the things we did
so thick, so big
I shed tears while writing this
But I know well
I will be kissing him.
I know well
I've spent too much time alone
and too much noise still
in my petite head when it comes to this
But it was so intense
it blew me away
so I had to take the pen
and write an elegy
a celebration
of the fire we were
are we?

He approached me on my way to the Kerry's
And I was scared, because I thought my world
was going to shatter
No more waiting, because
he said:
"Thank you, thank you for what you've said to me
it's good advice
but most of all thanks
for making that big guy over there
smile every day so wide.
He needs a lot, and you are that lot"
It was a poem itself
It doesn't need my 2 cents
I was blown away
You've never said I love you,
now, who cares
He's right: your smile speaks
your body screams

When I was 13
scared of my body
scared of my brain
in a ******* whirlwind
that felt like frozen limbs
I kept asking my mother
every day
"do you love me?
would you do it all the time?
what if, mom, would you still
love me the same? mom?"
and far-fetched scenarios
and a thirst that is never quenched
and a fear entrenched
my guts in a knot
ebbing and flowing
on a dance of uncertainty
never stopping the doubting

And now I land here
a place I never could have thought
You bring me here - but I also had a say on this
I don't need your mouth to say anything
You tell me all I need to know in a kiss

The world without I love yous
is my land of choice
I want to dismiss all the solid words
that led to my demise

Because this ride is wider than declamations
And late night confessions.
It's bigger and better than speaking,
circling around
about your obsessions
And it's not the answer
so it's not the question

"I love you" is OCD for the heart!
Constantly checking, never getting enough
getting huge and huger
stirring all that's bad
It loses meaning, and it's not fun
Burn your "lover's" anxieties, fill them with ever LOVE
with the watery flow of it all
(or that sight of the eternal...)
love does not doubt
love does not shake
love merely is
love is relaxed, slick
love is not really what you think!

I live in the world without I love yous
and funnily, I feel more love
than I ever did
Keep those days, those nights
where you are on fire!!

Life is not a ******* poem
Life is greater than everything
Outside the borders, the margins
where it is pushed, it simply is

And here I am, vomiting letters
onto the screen/paper
that keep me alive
It is good, it is nice
but the thing itself it cannot surpass

Yet, it gives a sense of sense
But life's advice is truer, stronger
more throbbing
than anything else
It opens itself in front of your eyes

Poetry is a constant in the air
That you can smell, you can't contain.
Poetry is your inner hell
weaved into golden tinsel threads
My abstract lover, my mental come
But you see, nothing like the real one

Life goes further
always ends up winning the game
And you revel on what she did there
She's rarely misled
And the winters in your days
account for the sunshine rays

This chapter draws me in
I can't say no to it
It looks exciting and dangerous
(like everything that's worth it)
I fell so many times before this
but I rose before, too
so keep that in mind

The biggest blessing came
falling from the sky like holy rain
when you expected no blessing at all
When you simply rocked to world's pace
Struggling and smiling, (yes, yes)

I have to affirm this force within
It comes and seizes me in crazy moments
(God likes to laugh)
Get away from my dying patterns
The night is mine, and so is the day
I just have to know where I aim.
But again, then...
I will be shown the way
It makes my pulse shake
My eyes squinted and cannot see well
Why I see stars when in the dark?
Maybe it's the way it must be, lass

Who needs bloated words when one has fountains of life
Who needs fairy tales when magic lies everywhere like that

Bury it deep! All your fattened hopes and all that ****
All your expectation that bar you from catching it
(You never said I love you, and it's not something I need
because you are here everyday with me.
And it's not something I need to hear
because I don't give a **** about the thing. I explain myself:
I am -trying to- focusing on the scene, having fun
for the sake of it)
Who needs chains when one has wings!
Considerate lovers, nothing higher to which we can aspire
This is it; nothing to complain about but the ever bloat
Unbloat your heart!
**** your ego
seek your soul!
**** dependence
**** your comfort
trash out the habits
**** your ties
**** your barriers
**** the pain but be aware appeasing might turn to jail

What went wrong?

Why do you appear now?
My old darling, I kicked you out!
What do you want from me this time?
Oh, God, you make me so high
Your *** - even if only in my mind
so nice, never fails to give me chills

Because when I am without you
I feel much lighter
I can float, I get high
in arms that treat me right
The world smiles in a whole new way
it looks better, and they say
so do I

Because you're no solution
You are no ******* answer
You are the Moon stirring problems
You're a dream turning into a nightmare

Because you never really loved me
I gave you all, you gave barely something

I will never fully recover from you
I am in rehab for this, I do
All I can aspire is to obliterate and block you
The kick of the drug will never lose its allure
Because our memories are scorching
and hot
and steamy
and intense and pathetic
and what not

So I won't give in to you
You are fading, you are a bad habit
My cigarrette when I am too stressed
You're a little vice that carries nowhere
You are a memory that stings profound
You're a masturbatory motif, if at all
That's you.
Nothing more.

You said can't take it no more
I bled a stream of painful love
Who's gonna save me from?

Only Matti and Klem there
To sing to my pain
Lull it to hibernate
(I am breaking free,
but it hurts, you see)

Imagination going wild
so sweetly, so casually
When they grab each other on stage
this girl boils and forgets

Getting deep into hell
You pushed me to the pit
burning there because I sin
You left me here
Why did you do that to me?
Only Klem and Matti understand
appease the gush of blood

Only Klem and Matti
to spice up the scene
of my broken days
they did leave at last
but I will always remember
what they did for me:
entertain me and anesthetize me
so I could undergo this hit
Eyes fully open, but it doesn't ache
Hands on deck, but enjoying the place

Old *****, please!
she is a queen!
she gets what she wants
because she doesn't try hard
I've been her - and I am
The power lies in all of us
can I fetch her now?

Old ****, I am
won't give my heart to no man
but in the shadows and the night
Have you tasted honey dear
did it leave you dizzy?
I got deviated from me

Where does this lead?
I scream, I scream, I scream

Because I had it all once upon a time
except a clear and healthy mind

And you can call me ****, if you want
and you can say whatever, put me down
but I will fight till my knuckles bleed
to taste the freedom and the truth
bleeding from such breakthrough

I've been drowning in crap
The demons they live inside
There are promises of life
wrapped in concertinas and barb wire

What are we running away from?
That is not the question
but whether we are suceeding or not

I've been in my little ****** dream
One foot in each side of me
I was real when I wasn't all over it
I saw honey and ran, ******* scared
Is it that you left me scarred?
Your kiss - I had you when I didn't expect
but I saw the rich honey get close
so I got lost

So afraid! So helpless!
Poetry is a stress dumpster
but this way of living is the solution and the problem

I've been drowning in myself
which is part heaven and part hell
how to catch a hold, a grasp
I have to be aware, only sometimes

This wisdom from the depths
this happiness when it rains
this is something to tackle
oh God, where did this become
such a battle?
To watch things happen!

Oh, God, you hurt me so much
Saturdays spent in tears all alone
My mom watching me and me watching the phone
My mom saying, "you have to cut this down"

And I did - and I slept in the belly of the beast
I burnt for nights of desire deep
I got high on Hatari, men, and my own ****
I slept for two months, widely asleep

Mini messages that feel maximized and meaning all
Starving every day with a tense chest
Feeling delayed, if at all only merely checked
Everything feels like a pulsating alert
My emotional poverty that you fed
You thought you loved me - well...
you probably did not

Was it really love? What the **** did I go through?
I still don't know
maybe I never will
you planted a seed
but the seed was me sprouting
you sprinkled me
but the power was all the time within
how to get it back
well I don't have to try

You'll go to the trash can!
Because you can't keep up

You'll be trashed, garbage one
You'll be disposed
I don't buy your words
I know men so good after all

So there we go
our broken hearts
we are defective ones
that don't deserve a chance!

Lost link
yesterday
it hurts

Being so close
to touching heaven
then falling from...
and the anxiety to get it

it works the most
when not trying at all

And I am amazed at you
but this is not the way to do

But it is rooted in things
in all the strain
in all my disordered thoughts
I saw honey there
so I ran scared

I see the issues
and they hurt
but it's needed to see through

So I will have to destroy the roots
carefully
carelessly

Learn slowly
this is the way
You've never been full
your always half empty cup
Now you are
In a new land

It's all gratitude today
the anger has gone away

So many days thinking about
the ways you did me wrong
And now I see it clear
everyone does love
in the way they very can
it might be flawed, but still
it's love
and I must be thankful for it
And then, peace will follow

You helped me
Even if it was God's hand
You are my past
and despite all the pain and blast
We were beautiful,
even if only sometimes

I was lost, in the world
unable to control
my powers had me out of it
The world felt like a mess
but such was my head
Tangled tinsel threads
Tangled myself
I will never forget

I am drowning in my pain, but probably
Just getting more and more sane

Every now and then
hell
knocks back again
But I have a torch light
in my hand
I have bruises all over my body
reminding me the victories

And now I'm off the ward
still need an injection sometimes
I walk on my own, and the Sun smiles
on my eyes
can't believe I am this good

Maybe it's just a matter of...
sometimes that you can't explain
you can only ride along
explain with broken words
that make all the sense in the world
Follow the beat, jump the rope.
Do not get lost
Get lost, gal

Reason won
(it is just an undercover heart)
No more venomous cupcakes
stuck on my throat
Making me gasp, like an ******
that will **** me at last

And I can't complain really
The Sun shines, then it hides
I see the light in the darkest times
And smiling is a habit
you pull when it looks bleak

My doubts they block and litter
But I live for the head lights to flicker
Don't **** them
Ditch the poems and the love
Just burn
Learn to do it, love

Honey, honey, honey
I sing thee in the spare time
I sing the eternal
I had you last night
Will I get you back?
Please, please, please
I need the Sun to shine
I need my-our steamy nights

I gained my world -more than enough-
Every step I take makes me lost

But I can't complain
my life simply goes -sometimes-
simply well
So keep in mind
when things are not that right
Struggle for the Sun
sitting on the floor

I need you to stop being the canvas
Where I throw my bunch of pain
I need you to stop being honey
so I can taste you again

I have filled this so much with crap
Without being aware at all
How to proceed now
When you were just a button
of love's eternal blossom

I saw the departure points
the paths of my own brain
And I will do anything in my hand
to reverse the curse I've been cast

This poem goes nowhere
I said once,
ditch it all, burn burn burn

But you can't go back
you can only fix what's done
the only good thing
the only bad thing
often they are the same

Give myself a little permission
to go crazy is what I need
Love (that word I fear)
is taking me to the gutter

I am so blocked
Even divided, broke
Not to lose the flame
or is it going weaker every day?
13 again, no, not again

I can't go back there again
I will die instead
And I don't need to be saved
I need to save myself

To accept hell always is there
hidden in a small place
where it burns and gives brightness
to the point it blinds sometimes

At least I think I know where I am.
Is this a good path?
How to just BURN?
It hurts, it hurts, it hurts

There is a pain in my chest

I have a lot to say but the words collapse in my mouth
I feel strained - uneasy and frozen
I cannot connect with the source, the source is away
I lose myself in daydreams, but no meaning below them
They feel dead

How come - how come this hell?
I cannot even look at, but I must, if I want to put an end
Hell is man-made, thoughts and weird ideas popped there
I know it well, for years I lived in the place

If I could simply live in synchronicity
if I could simply be
all the ******* time
what I am
nothing else
just a tinsel existence
just unfreezing myself
I see for miles
I need to do for miles

You could have been my star
But guess what, you did not want
You slipped from my sky
You slipped from my chaos
could eat us alive
I needed to slip from it too
but you did not come back
and that's good.

I gave you my heart,
I felt it helplessly all the time
I could not understand
what went on most of the time
but my heart was rotten
this I didn't know
I was gifting you my all
but my all was venomous
but my all was wrong
it wasn't enough!
but it is all I have
please lovers take my hand
this broken heart
is all I really can have
it mends on its own
it needs no nurse or doc
just eyes...and hands
and love,
and love,
and love,
that word I cannot stand
that word I really don't understand
what we crave
what makes us great
salvation in a trap
the hidden treasure
that we obtain in magic,
fabulous ways

I declare the state of poemless
Most magic fled from me
I will keep myself on this plain bread
But I can't stop thinking of the garden that was there

State of poemless, seeking pleasures
but the pleasures are gone
There is a hole
in my guts
I've been here before
but that's ****, it doesn't matter anymore

I stumble around in my head
I ****** up something I cannot really name
crashing
making noises that cloud my Sun
I was ****** up before, sure
but I had outlets, I had doors,
I was not as lost
I focused on the wrong, after finding a door
I obliterated it - like I did back then

Only the blows from God move my mouth
All I need is the clarity, where I left it at?
Reality hurts like a sore wound
Reality is the solution, but she hides

Because order is a *****
because neatness is a punishment
This mental jail won't **** me
but this time I won't fight like
I always did
It's not a matter of lose or win,
it's a matter of...discovering
of using words in a way
that they are not words anymore
of waiting for the storm
to finish, for the rain to wash
Still I feel empty, I feel not great
How could I in a state
of beautyless?
I am still a part of the sky
but my light is going dim
it hurts, it hurts, it hurts

You had me, boys
You had this mad girl losing it all for you
(inhibitions, mind, fears too)
But I will end up alone because you are no good

You had my will, my body, my heart
I gave it all for you, you left a mark, but
Would I die for love
instead of bleeding for love?
It's something I wonder a lot
I guess I would, if I knew you were true

Because I showed you my everything
it's the way I work, all or nothing
I showed you the wounds, I showed the joy
But you lost me, boys

It hurts in my late bed
but I am okay, I guess
It doesn't surprise me at all
the world's not worth a thought

The madwoman speaks:
you could have had me, it didn't take much
I think
*******, I say
I am so hurt at you I can't be kind
The ward is taking hold of my soul
it kicks you ******* out

Afraid of my past, as it always was
Afraid of losing my mind
another time

Like a pattern written by God
Afraid of things going wrong
Because I've been here before
I can only accept, I can only abide
it goes outside of my scope
I cannot control, I cannot know

I change with the Moon
you change when  I do
the terrible pattern calls out
I drown, I drown.

Afraid of this pain in my chest
of demise unfolding the same old way
because it was a blaze
but I survived,
I kind of raised from the dead
(I never accepted death)

Why can't I just trust men?
Why they never help?
I wonder where you are now and what you do
Because I'm so afraid of what could
Of the unavoidable, an unconscious doom.

It's 9:32 PM and I am waiting for your message
like the hysterical ***** I am - you have no clue yet
the ghost of him lingers around and floats on air
or is merely a ghost all of myself?

It's 9:32 PM and I have already been here
The same old pressure in the chest and catastrophy
But this time I switch
This time, the pain I ditch

I swallow the pain like a pill
that slides inside my throat like an usual drill.
If you **** me over, I can leave.
Do not be that bleeding lady, that hurt chick.

This is good for writing poems, it is
but life and poetry do not always meet