I am a scared whole new girl
This is who I am, then...

I haven't seen you yet,
and I haven't seen myself
but this is an anticipation
of what you might get

First things first:
I never went to Sweden with him
but my dreams still live,
whoever wants to, can join me

My man left me; I left him after
I became queen Gertrude, and it felt good...
It takes courage to do what you must do

I am not all addicted to his drugs no more
I am kicking the vice...and I have a new one
***** the tears and the pain I had
It just takes new shapes, is he willing to abide?
I am taking a chance, I am moving on
I am happy - although I don't really know

I know only 4 months have passed
what you'll find is a different lass
(I am closer to me in every step I take and
my crazy style ain't going ever away)
but a lot more...grown up, about to crash
about to explode
like fireworks in the sky
like overheated dynamite

But I enjoy the blows I'm given
I am scared as ****, but that won't make me
ever stop

And I am ready to join you again
Because I am not obsessed
with making friends this year
I don't think as much as I did:
that's a strong point for me

This wasn't planned at all
but sometimes life plots ahead
showing you what it is about
but rarely letting you down

I sign off; I do not know
what you will find
but you will find something better
than I was last time
Uncertainty at its peak
But I can put up with it

Psychotic Poetess (you don't really know
who I am)

I bet it all to your number
it's the way I roll
I know anyway in this lottery
I end up alone

I risked it everything to your name
got broken, and the hit did ache
I won't be coming back to you
but I am not staying with him anyways
I tried to do my ******* best

I don't know the game we play
it is my fault, is it my shame?
some minutes I am confused as hell
I tell myself, I wasn't born yesterday

Are you men to trust?
That's the hard question we don't ask
This lottery we play - wears me out
keeps me on my toes, gaps a big hole
in my chest
I must do something wrong, or can I put
******* Luck to blame?
I bit a lot -  now about to expel
never, never, never from myself

I've been drowning for hours
those are the thoughts
wanna peek into my broken home?

So out of my element, so stressed
My glitter water, my magic powder
I will create something out of this mess

I am one of those freaks
I am one of those wild meeks
Can't let this get to me

I've been drowning for hours
in a puddle
of my own undone pulsions
of something I can't name
but it ******* ached

I felt it coming back
all of that crap...
Thin guys - thin desire
That heartbeat rising and dying
at the same agonic time
Closed mouth - hands tightly shut
in that famous knot
Thin mentality - beauty in an urn
But I smashed it the moment I felt the Sun
Is it up to me, for the Sun to burn

Trust nothing - not even your mind
in fact, that's the least reliable one
trust your Soul, your shining Sun! it lies in your Heart

The tragedy is I might love you
we created a monster
that comes and saves us in unlikely moments
but you might not care about this poem

What about him? I love him, too
it's a work in progress - it goes good

but yesterday I just ****** up
on my actions
and my world is a weird puzzle
where everything connects
no internal logic yet
but synapses going nuts instead
so enlightening, so sick,
sometimes, so great

But what do I think now
it makes no sense
I am drowning,
once again

My mind - sharp and clear
I will die for this
for the afterwards bliss

My head lights get lit up
in unlikely moments and that's the fun
or did I see that blaze outside
the path could be lit up with blue eyes
All I know is I burnt with light
Burn bright, baby, burn bright.
Everything fits, nothing hurts

I saw a river crossing my days
Hot waters that gently, sweetly sway
It was milk and honey land
I saw somewhere I could grab
I saw for miles, the miles swallowed me back
I felt something, deep inside
It wasn't the actual thing, but
I knew it was the head lights firing up

And the head lights can be turned off quick
but in the same way (I tell you) they get lit
they throw ideas, they throw things
I have to process them, what they mean
is it that the head lights or just losing it?
not immune to the surrounding maze
their hot caress, their warm embrace
Head lights, will you save me from myself?
I am complete, it's you *******
who make me feel else...

Coping is just a solution
you do what you can not what you must
and there's nothing but higher purpose as must
no rules in the land of lust
it's a hard decision to know such
how to put it so I can understand?

Coping is finding a way
then finding you've gone astray
Coping is the key and the lock
Coping it's just the way heart works

But there's something higher,
you will find it like it or not.
The time I coped, I was living good,
on my own. Hands below my *******,
you on the phone.

Beautiful mistake!
Of the planned move - beware
But how to do it, when everything else
fails
when contraries meet

No rules for life, so you get lost some time.
You can trace yourself back. Get found,
so you can be lost again. Wonder, revel.

What I feel for you - something I can't describe
I want the bed with you - I always did want that
But I am afraid the demons are howling again
Using the word love as a threat
This is not love, won't be fooled this time
No big adventure without ditching something
I ditch you pain, I ditch you unhealthy attachment,
I ditch you love, because you tore down my guts

The world has opened its jaws
not to swallow me but to let me gently in
it's showing its teeth, saying "Girl, you can look,
enjoy this"
(Enjoy my sharpness, how I slice you open
but
A butterfly in every ****, an ecstasy
even when you're about to drown)
A gift from above - did I work for it?
The world is smiling at me
It always did, it always did
And the road might be bumpy
And awhile I might have to solve it
But I am on my road
towards
Somewhere better than where I come from.

You are the easy answer
You are a tinsel cilice
you are full of meaning
you are not the solution...
unless we take a resolution
You are the easy path
getting lost in my problems
writing poems
but it's a maze, leading nowhere
You light me up
What is this fuss about?

And I see you again,
and I know I will sin
but I know also right now
things are not what they seem.

The mind is wider than you and me
I will never forget you, but ah,
I see ****...
And I know other lips...
I want to kiss you, but dear
your tinsel cilice made them bleed.
I'm trapped between bodies.
I don't mind if I die like this.

This is the last day of the summer
Buses don't arrive on time.
I dance on the stop, thoughts going wild.
People are out and about.
You fan your hands to cool it off
Does that match your soul?
I can't help but feeling this day
has a meaning, a sense

My life didn't turn out so bad in the end
Here I am, can't believe I made it.
Last day of summer - a promise and a death
Something's filling, thickening the air
So light with anticipation, with peace, with
not knowing what comes next
yet knowing also it will indeed be great

We all have grown
The wheel moves, like it or not
And we celebrate our million aches
with milkshake and games
Am I in the right path? It all crosses my mind
The demons want me back
and I am still deciding how to cope with that

Last day of summer
because pool season might come to an end
but inside
the Sun will reign
a spare time not to forget
let's rush back but never ever
fail the shot again

Oh God
oh Ishtar whoever you are
why do you play games against me
why don't you let me stay here
nursed in love
around his arms
you plucked me, ripped me from him
and I needed it, I did
but now I see it, with clarity
and it shines brighter than my rationality

but now time for reorganizing
time to set up the pace
time to boil again
time to sew my broken limbs
who broke them? as usual I think it's me
this time has been crazy, the summer of loose morals
time to clean up, to see
never hold on too dearly to a vision because then it flees

I am trapped in somewhere
I am trapped in ourselves
in us
it's where I grew
you are my nurturing wind
and all the people with their reasons
and their good desires for me
their advice, their appreciation,
their ****
would not understand
what goes underneath
they would not accept us
as they never accepted me?
For I see for miles,
and I see further than they do
My nurturing wind...

Why can't we decide
I've been rotting slowly don't know why
now it's time to freshen up
to accept you in my mouth
communion from below and above
communion with the whole

And I am waving you goodbye - for now
but I am feeling close to you and I haven't even left
If I could be with you, again
All I need is you to care
My nurturing one, my man...

She's stuck on a man
I could be her
that's why I sing
all of her torture and her pain

She fell in love with him
in an inner spring
He's a habit hard learnt
she just can't leave
Comfort in the shape of a kiss
A kind of deep hit
She's so used to him
So many beds she's known
but none of them overcomes
what she's felt in his arms
And he binds her hands and thoughts!

"This is a dysfunction",
she knows too well
She's rotting away slowly
while he never cared for her
He wanted her body
She harboured the world instead
Which was his body...and his eyes
and his glasses
and his beard
and his lips
and his voice
that will **** her in the end
Self destruction at the hands of a man
Oldest tale

It's bitter to taste
after all the sweet syrup
she fed herself via his hands
why he has snatched the bottle
nothing in return because
it was hers all the time!
I was not made of ashes, I was made of fire
How to recall the ****** rhyme?

Her therapist says she's stuck
oh she's locked
locked on a ******* ****
got stung on her heart!

Her ****** focus
the death of her
small death in the bed
death of all she could have been

Is the spring waning again?
Am I to cherish this as a *******?
I burnt well without him
Why can't he accept his place within me
Why he resists death
like the little imp he is

Am I to be locked
in his ****
the same way my fella
does now?

You are the cupcake from devil's lair.
Enticing, but carrying a curse within.
I want to bite you but you are no good for my health
You are a habit long acquired but not permanent
My health is decaying you will surely not help
Tired of your ghost howling around my pain

I got delivered from you!
Why can't I stay on that track
Why it always comes back
Why don't you become the soil
for new flowers, richer, taller,
to grow up?
It's a way to live forever - why is it not enough
for you?

My problems can't be an alibi
to break hearts and wreck havoc along
You are the one - who will do me wrong
You won't come back - why I can't stay on that track
Ishtar, where are you now?

There is a promise in the sky
I can feel it with my feet and my hands
It might become broken but I have to try
Even if this turns you on
It's breaking me down
You are my fears, and my hopes
all tied in a knot
You mean it all - but you shot yourself on the chest
I am not Sandra Dee - but I am not giving in

the guy of the thousand kisses
all over my skin, my body shivers
there's something missing -
there's something plus in the scene -
an old dead body, that haunts me

because he isn't dead
I wish he was
but everyday he decays
a bit, our growth is spayed
we lie on the bed
but a few days ago
I saw the other side of the game
now it flees from me
but I already got sold my soul to it

he killed himself in fact
to my hungry eyes
I am hungry for life
can't starve on your doubt

And the guy of the thousand kisses
comes along and burns me little by little
I love his touch, I love his slow burning
Maybe he holds  a secret I don't know
I am doing it all wrong – love love love
I've been trying hard to keep him at bay -
now it's time to let it blow, baby let's play
Show me the way - not to be a wooden girl again

It feels weird to say so
but I have to let you go.
Stop those frenzied hands
sweetly polluted by the memories
of yours all over my body...
Let them belong to someone else...
let them become other, let them grow further

The doors have been opened wide
They open when they wish, not at my whim!
A new world for me to taste
I've been delivered tonight
from your heavy spell
which meant nothing in the end!
It's just the meaning I want it to take

You were the fuel for my poems
but a fundamental change comes
Life is wider than a notebook.
Away, away from you. Always there too.
Nothing more than the soil for the new
I have to carry on. Can't be holding on to you,
breaking me down, making me grow fond
of your unattainable love!
and your promises, and your problems
which I do feel deep inside
but being troubled never stopped me
from trying to fly high
From eventually getting it
and joyously clap my hands

I feel lightheaded - but yesterday, I was
******* excited
I have to forget you, I saw it clear like water
Can't cling to your dream
a dream that is never fully fulfilled.
And his hand is below my skirt
and it gives me the chills
And his kiss, oh his kiss
Tonight I could die for this

I can't give up the habit!
You are deep ingrained in my circuits
But it's a thought for today
We can't spend eternity
begging for our love
I can't spend my whole life
waiting for you to come right
I just want to fly...but you are grounded
And I don't want to rot away
Flying - I just need to
And I have to, I tell you
Maybe you were just a part
of my chaotic life
Important, but not the core one

Unfaithfulness fills the place
Terrible sweet sin of the human race
The wilderness can't be tamed
Is this why, oh unfaithfulness?
Unfaithfulness - from her you can't run away
Sometimes you're broken,
sometimes you break

It hurts sure it does
But how to run away from shimmering love when it
haphazardly
comes?
How to escape the terrible facts of life
A lesson hard learnt, trapped in a fire!
Unfaithfulness - are you that something?
That will save us by and from drowning
I really hate you, but I need you now
My fears, my desires - you knot them in one

So much because of your ******* sake!
We can't be soldiers to love's name
Polyamorous couples, cuckold ****
Locked up marriages, the following divorce
In betweenness, passage zones
where the devil kisses God

Mikael and Erika
Older men and their young chicas.
Those golden agonic threads that fate knits.
Further than human rules and needs to commit.

Hearts broken, like promises not entirely fake
and not entirely true do
Better not to play the game anymore
But you'll bite the bait, you'll fall
How to avoid love? ****** it and it will grow...
how to avoid
the construct of pain built around the greatest thing we know?
Tear down the wedding bouquets!
Trade 'em for a bed, stained by *** and sweat
Tear down THE PAIN! Tear down all the accesory leading to death!
Let me drown, in the naked essence.

I know he cheats - I cheat on him
because our wounds are deeper and so are our needs
I burn fairy tales,
become a tearful tough *****.
Hard as steel, just getting on with this.
I am no kid. This is the gruesome, ****** price we pay to be here,
people with feelings, drives and ****.
We don't care, but we all ache!
Sometimes you're hitten, sometimes you hit.
Sometimes you die, sometimes you -slowly, unadvertedly-
stick the swords in.

And yet it is small, unimportant
like everything

I wish I could write.
But nothing's going right
I have to touch the sky
I have to arrange myself again

Sometimes insights cross my mind
They are so thick and deep
I can't digest them sometimes
It hurts to be back at square one
At 13, when my world stopped
And I got off it. Got off from me.

It's scary to walk down
the alleys of borrowed thoughts
(that's what it was)
Yet something mine was there,
all the ******* time
It's scary, I feel shocked
But now, I know
I can't speak the whole...
because I am overcome

And I heard her speech
but she didn't really help me.
I need my angels and my demons
to work but never be summoned
We live well this way

Do I connect things which
really have nothing to do with
Jumbling, collecting, scrambling
my thoughts today, in a cloud of restlessness
Unenlightened mist...and a bit of fear

And here's the irony - I did it again
Life, laugh at me
I do not care as long
as I get your cheap thrills.

I am off the ward
The lights - they kind of
blind my eyes
but I am so high
Kisses all over me, rushes late at night
Tears sometimes - part of the pack

I am witnessing the world
Never, never, never stop
And to witness is to know
To know, entails to hold

I got out after I was healed
but getting out was part of it
I've got a lot of things to live
"Time ticks away like a bomb"
I am not missing anymore

I am off the ward
I bet I'm going to have fun
Keep a sword by my side
The shadows lurk around

And she said,
"I don't want love anymore,
I'm tired of men"
And I could feel all those words, girl...

And I said
"Let's spend some time
in an empty land
become women going our own path"

Who needs love and all the pain
such thing it entails?
Let's go to sleep
have hot dreams
that need not to be fulfilled
Let's curl up and be
Let's escape, let's ******* live
Let's spend time for us to heal

This is a plant that needs almost no water
but it needs it in fact
How to keep up? Solve this out

And here I am - an ex psychotic
(Bradley certified)
telling you which steps to take
in the infinite wisdom
that only could be given by hell

And I want to write about this
but it is bigger than me
yet the only thing I write about
obsessively, constantly,
wholly

Connecting with you,
my (****) friend. Kicking away evil patterns.
Step by step, sweet kick by sweet kick away.
In your embrace. In the steam you create.
In our problems, that we will solve...
You convinced me once more!
I am lost and found...weakened and strong
I drank your soul. My friend, my friend,
my love.

I will indeed walk.
Away from this town of dust.
My life has just begun.
I see a lighthouse, might be the Sun.
A new Sun that was there all along.

We bought a dream
at the candy store
-custom made-
It had our names
a promise of what could be...
We wanted to believe. We did.

we wanted to belong
we wanted it to work
we are so pathetic
we need to ******* stop

Candy coated is our kiss
but what lies underneath...
it's nothingness, it's the steamy core
to the bliss what you miss!
(I miss it too, indeed)
It's not surprising you did
what you did
our kiss lacks fundamental things
You rush to other chicks
I rush to him

But what do we do, what do I do?
With all this sweetness towards you
it doesn't turn me on, but I do love
your pretty face...the way you walk

If my mind was sane, and so were my heart
You would be the one, you would be the one
But we're all mad here - you know, right?

I don't want you the way I should
and you neither do
so what we are here for?
virginal marriage,
satisfying our parents dreams?
that's what is wrong with this!
Our dream is empty
like rotting candy
Substanceless like careless romance
Tasteless like bland songs
Blood injected with desires
of a life looking good, but no juice!

But it always was
it has to die quick
it has to be ripped off.
What are you here for?

We should aim together
for the same
We should be friends
We should be comrades
In our lives - to merge
we should be all that
but we aren't

A life without the other half
seems incomplete and broken down
is boring and in fact it lacks a lot
But...

You use us and never say a word.
Apps made to break our hearts.
Say "I love you" then **** next girl
Clandestine dates and overlooked days.
I've had enough of this, and I'm still fresh.

What the **** do you really want?
I want to stay,
but the only way, as usual,
is away
and without
but in my bed!

Away from you, from your pain
I have my body for myself.
Woman going her own way.
Because you don't play my game.
And I don't play yours anyway
**** called to an end if things are not my way.

Away from my scars,
that I will heal in time.
If you don't want me,
I can put up with it:
none of you will cure my illness
my terrible disease, if it exists
Loneliness does not exist
Am I still ill?

Laugh, laugh, laugh.
The only point of this tragedy
is to be laughing at it

One day you are up
next day you're down
no point in crying about it
just laugh on!
with wonder
with acceptance
because this life
is an endless, sometimes sick
joke

laugh
till tears come out of your eyes
till you overwrite
your pain with a smile
and the sad grin is there
but that's another reason to laugh!
the irony of being alive

laugh
because about tomorrow
no one knows much
I might be high
I might be not

I'm fresh off the ward
I packed my bags and left the nasty stuff
I've been locked up
but now it's my time to shine

I hit the door goodbye,
I am not what they said I was.
I am much more. I kick my pills,
I feel I own the world.

But now the shine isn't showing up much
my face glows but my heart drowns,
lately it does

I'm fresh off the ward
the Sun beams in my face
not everything is so grey
still I ache
Be happy to shake and be shaken
in the belly of the world
Be happy in the chaos
Dionysiac throes

I'm fresh off the ward!
A real girl now, with a fleshy heart
that aches...and hurts
I might be away from the ward,
but my fate is to come back some time.
Everyone, every now and then,
needs a shot, and a comfy bed.
To dream, dream, dream away
by talking about your nightmares

I've been thinking of running to Cape Town
Or anywhere for that matter
All that matters
is getting away from disaster

Run away somewhere they don't know my name
where I can forget and dream away the pain
The place it's all the same.
Feel new air and take deep breaths.
Bustle and hustle in new relaxed ways.
Talk the nights away with my friends.

I would run away -away is the key word-
because this is too much to take
give me another blackout from tough reality
another sweet oblivion, forgetting and forgiving

So I am not moving from here.
but as soon as I can, I will get free
from my boundaries and my ache
and I will fly somewhere
I can start again, with or without you
I just need myself.

We began to dream one day with a kiss
But it's getting obvious this is just a heavy dream
This candy is lethargic and lulling
Makes us full with nothing, and...
He's winking me from the other side
Who's winking at those blue eyes?

We've got lives before us
We were complete before the start.
Much more exciting and realer than this -
we are on a ride I know will die.
You had your **** hard.
I had a photographer man.
(who makes me hot in turn)

So we are dreaming and it keeps us going
but a dream is not real and it will have to get gone one day.
I will get back to him, my root of desire.
At least, such is my wish.
You will get back to yourself - away from me in a way
and my smoke and my mirrors and my steam
I don't want you - but the dream makes me want to blow you
a kiss.

I know you are going to rip me in pieces
this might be no good
As you once did
But I am bound to, can't stop running to you...

And I've been trying to get away, do my life
Meet other guys, kissing them in cars
But I can't help it, you must be the one, you do
And it hurts a lot to be in love with you
because it would be much easier not to
You are the shady guy who makes me shake in desire
You are a reason to break my heart

And if you rip me up
once again and you don't understand
I will have to go alone, on my own
thinking of you every ******* night

(Oh, I've tried to love you
gave myself time to
but your candy is not enough
to keep him at bay
to make me stay

And I wish I could be in love with you
how grateful I am for all you do!
Your blue eyes could be the beacon to light up the path
But I am fixated on my thick glassed guy
And oh your light is not enough to cover up his steamy tracks)

Will you set me free
why did I have to fall for you?
You will break me, but
you get me so high though
Are you a light in my alien ride?
Will you shape my whole ****** life?
What the ****?

Do you want what I want
can we make it work?

I love (y)our bed,
and I have tried to get away
but I end up here
and so do you, it seems.
But the bed is a seed.
Sprouting something big.
The bed is the expression
of what lies underneath
**** mortgages and kids.
I want a lifetime of this...
of you and me

I want a lifetime of strolling down the street
with your hand in mine,
and you will give me a kiss
in the mechanic stairs
and when we are alone,
we will be unchained

You said I left a mark in you
a bite with my name all over
You made me express my whole;
you are my Lover

This is my bare heart
all I want from you.
All I want is the all of you.
To be joined with you,
to know you are with me.

Does this annoy you?
I am annoyed too.
And I will get more insistent,
the more you refuse.
(Of course you can say no,
this is merely explanations
on how my wretched heart works)

But this is my bare heart
I think I love you, I do.
I have big plans: do ya? do ya?
Let's keep on trying.
Let's say we do.
Let's take a ride together
as we used to

"the chore became my passion"
the passion was always there
my passion my death
there's so much to deal with
I don't think I really can tell

Every piece fits in a kind of way
The kaleidoscope is my way of life
And I get dizzy and tipsy sometimes
The spinning ceiling gives me glory and gives me pain
But it's the way I am made

Listen to all the signals
they all do speak
listen to your body
listen to the gaps in between

I got freed when I hit my head
The blood poured; but I lost my chains
I had nothing to lose so I went ahead...
Why do I replay in my brain things over and over again?
The answer is always to flow
Never force - life finds its own road
The road!
And write poems when in doubt on how.

Why was I able to carry on all the way?
Why did I survive and now I fall apart?
Odin's voice within - call him again

In Nacho's pool
Everything dissolves everything floats
My heart it rests but never at all
Brings me memories from old times
and builds new bridges between us

I feel at the verge of 16! I am afraid
the verge of terror the verge of sin
the most scary **** blacking out whole
But I am not 16 anymore now I'm no toy
I have a heart and a precarious health
and thirst for joy

My lovers how are you all doing today?
You are going to **** me and I am going to **** you too
Sending hot pictures to see what you can do
Reactive feelings sexting in the pool
My blue eyed boy wish I could love you
in fact I do and I cry for you ghostly tears
I hurt although I can't feel
I can feel you pulling away from me
and it's no surprise it was always this thing
But he casts spells on my direction
and I have no protection
I don't want one either, I confess
The times I give in are the best

But what if I am left alone
this is my fear
Without a man I feel I can't go on
Because he's the one
but he has the power to harm
to break me in pieces in case that he wants

And I see all of this in Nacho's pool
My fear, my pain, my hope
My past, my future, my wretched love

What happened the months
preceding the disaster?
What made it detonate
what compounded the bomb there -
it's still unknown, we need to investigate
it's not only about the mess I made

We need to go back, without going back at all!
Are you brave enough
because I am
and I will defeat Gods
and anything in my path

I watched my evil patterns
My evillest one: focusing too much
on you, dear
on my empty slots
I am open to anything - are you?
Do you have what it takes - to come through

What happened these awful days
where you cracked under the pressure
and I cracked under your name?
My mom said you need to get away
from something I could not tell

And we have to try new ways
to thrive and stay sane
stay alive

I am the alien from the 108
You are my cosmic bound
We met high up above
There is a layer of God on top
That's why this thread around our bodies
this golden thread that will make us choke

And sure I changed your life
and sure you changed mine
I am the alien from the 108 - pink hair
turbulent eyes, a explosion of chaos

Now we can really join - we are apart
This universal force takes a toll
on unexpected passengers in that road
those who live through it but did not know
Those who can see but are still small
smaller than the energy generated
that confuses and clears the vision field

Now I am broken down
and full throttle!
We are bigger than the world
we are fire, we are a unmissable link
this doesn't rhyme now
no need for it
we rhyme perfectly
our needs they used to meet
we rhyme to the point we bleed

I've acquired some bad habits
since we left
My soul has been ****** away
and so does my pain

I am enclosing myself
but isolation feels so well

I am crossing to the other side
the one that saw me come to life
Like a baby - my birth was hard to live through
and shocking and confusing and sad
but this time
it's a different kind of ride

It was easier to reach back in time
It came natural but it was limp inside
I never speak for others,
merely from my side
This paradise that feels defective
lacking shine
I am dragging myself down
I am starving myself - on my bones

I've acquired bad habits since we broke up
High on confusion, poetry and legal drugs
My space is being taken up
This witchcraft - this spell that's cast

And a line of meaning, the junction
struggles to be found
It comes, but it is too big to hold at once
He saw me come from the underground
He saw me spring and wrap him in my love
But it's not enough

I am dying and waking up at the same time
Crazy state of mind
I never stopped being such -

Oh love where do you hide
why are you so elusive
calling out my name loud all the while?

You catch me tight
and never fully grab my hand
Sad because he could not
give me what I want

Where do you lie my fellow tortured soul
Do you cry at night, do you struggle to belong
Where are you my lost one
my bedroom God
my tiny pleasure, my great rock

You will not laugh at my poems and my ache
You will not be my shrink - we will laugh the pain away

He saved me once and I saved myself
But we could not be, I could not stay
I am floating away...
Tears gather in my skull
Where are you love? You're like a dead limb
You're not here, but I feel your loss

Sad because I lost it again
And I fear what comes next
My well of pain and doubt,
my treadmill - do I need to stop?
I can't give up -
Time, time, time
ticks away like a bomb
My needs they dissolve but never fully gone

You had to leave
I had to let you go of me

And both of them wave me goodbye
And I wave goodbye back. It hurts.
But this is also release
Could not live on the edge of the blade
endlessly
And whatever comes I embrace
now I know things well.

Death is not the end
death is the forethought of life
PS: You are number one, you blow my mind.

[Hey you lover!
No one laughs at me, or my heart, that ugly way -
I felt misunderstood, pushed away - ]

I know you'd hear me blabber about this
but what would you do after it?
Would you think "she's so mad" -which of course I am-
Would you kiss me, would you let me fall apart?

Can you see me?
CAN YOU TWO ******* SEE ME?
The same way I see you, dears?

Can you see my wounds?
Can you lick them - help me to
Normal people - you will be my death
Deep, selfish lover - you will be my end

And where do I run now
the void crushes my soul
No one loves this crazed up lass
Who woke up to life with a notebook in hand

Can you grab me?
Can I grab you?
Can I go further - can you walk too?
Which one of you, if at all you?

And I am again in the verge of tears
oh, sweet glassed man, are you the one?
That's my blessing
that's my curse
I don't want to rot away
why do I do?

I live for this. This is my intellectual, vital ******, yes
No shaking but stillness instead...
Complete visions - interconnectedness
everywhere, this bunch of pains acquires some sense!
I live for apparitions, blinding lights, and no turning back points.
I live for fullness, laying in your bed satisfied and knowing.
To know. To uncontrol. To know.

I live to see, to understand, moreover to live.
I started writing again, to wake up from existence's death bed
I live to watch - to witness the gifts of the Earth
running through my wasted veins
I live to see - I live to tell

And the broken vase seems to fit
And suddenly, it could be fixed!
Visions chasing me
that's one of my dreams
Not to know too much, but to feel
to feel the front and back doors of the mind
open wide.

And some visions ache
some visions break
but a vision is always God sent
A vision makes me high
why should I look something else

I can spot the points where I fell
It's all a bunch of nerves
and arousal and unrequited love

It's all about getting used to ****
Demisexuality? I kiss way too easily
The old pathway reigns supreme
it always wins! If you allow it
I am gnawing on hard bones
I am getting attached to the hard drugs
that I never planned to get caught on
yeah, that's it: I'm ******* caught.
Erasing myself quickly - but no more
It's like getting used to a same song
(Obstacle 1 by Interpol played now)
and ignoring the myriad offered by the world

In your absence - I am something and nothing
In your presence - a electricity current
A drug shot to the vein, that makes me forget
about safety and health, and I beam
but I know it's not correct, in fact,
it's a mistake
because you and I will drown
in a well of pain

London opened my eyes
was it me? was it my friends?
River Thames
I knew you'd clean my brain

Saw the world - saw it whole
No hit - just the feeling of it all
It came to me, so pure

Like a heavenly light in front of my eyes
I saw order, cosmos in this bunch of my life
A chaos inside about to burst
in pink shades and dream dust!

Feels like I've grown and learnt
A healed wound on its way
A turning point in my existence
No more severed legs.

And it wasn't so dark
and it wasn't so grey
I was so close and so away
In the perfect point to watch
the Universe

I can see the horizon of the other shore
and it screams you're safe, you're home
it says get rid of your chains
jump in and take a dip on these days

So hooked!

I can't make up my mind
this drug kicks in too much!
So hooked!
It's such a rush
that ends up in hell's town

I haven't gave up on you yet
you're my cigarrettes!
So hooked!
Sparkles of him fly on the air
and crash against my man's face

So hooked! So caught!
So scorching - but so hot
So tiresome - why can't you let go?
Why can't you let me walk?
Towards my new road

I am a runaway
because I live on the edge
of a blade

And it cuts my skin
in a million ways
but I have to stop that
You tear me, oh babe

I want to catch a plane
get away, get away, get away
from myself!
Forget about this mess
forget about the ******* blade
only unknown Sun will help!

Sweet oblivion
leading to visions...
sweet getting lost...
to find your road

Dramatically altered and changed
I am the same but oh, never again
Hell strikes back - what am I to do?
Bring back this state - its good fruits

I can witness my old pain
it doesn't look the same
the mirrors do reflect
but anyway I see myself...

[I saw it clear, dear
I (we) can't stay here
Maybe I was so high
but only high I think right]

Pick my pieces from the floor
make sense of this mess
that has rearranged my heart
this blurry epiphany I've had
looked through by London's eyes

I saw a flickering bright light!
Just a second - enough because so much shine!
an omen that -maybe- things were right
I saw a luminary
I have to process and think
but it's an apparition
I can't let go to just dissappear

Because it never was perfect at all
but this is how perfect was born

And London is an escape
London is a hiding place
where you confront reality
in trippy, playful new ways

My smile was true and wide
no pain, just enjoying the ride
why it can't be like that all the time?
Perched on worries melting to the Sun

Because it never was perfect at all
but this is how perfect was born.

She's a little *****
with a big deep hole in her chest
to fill
to feel
more broken every day that exists

People like to watch her fall
It makes nice art but it can corrode
She's corroding in her own hell
Sometimes, she corrodes in love
hard to distinguish both

She destroys because she's destroyed
She aches and this is all she spreads
This unflattering vision of me - can I take?
And the men that pass through her hands
are the sign she's anything but right

Coming back home - but where's home?
Home is such a scam, but I am
So dramatically lost
Love is such an elusive charm
She murders love - but collateral harm

But this won't take much longer
I've got a hand in my pocket...
give me some time to standby
while working full throttle, full drive
take some distance
the pain is going to make me blackout

Take the little ***** to London
put her in the plane with her friends
take the little ***** somewhere else
she needs an ear - a kind of help
a get away

What does my heart say?
It yearns your kiss but I just can't cheat
What does my mind say?
Leave at once - try to stay

He is the devil - he is an angel
He turns me on - he drags me down
to darker paths and darker deeds
If he was you -if you were him
all my problems would be done
Why don't you get gone?
Out of my *******, away from my thoughts

I can't be your lover - not that way!
You turn grubbier by the minute
If you were him, if he was you
I would not be here languishing
I'm in tatters with it everything!

I am undergoing some kind of process
some kind of new-old current
Do I have to grab someone's hand to jump
What is the answer to this ripping out my guts?

I woke up one day
(it wasn't just one day but many of them)
And I looked in the mirror
and it wasn't me!
I could not recognize a thing...
best feeling in years

I could not match
what I am with who I was
I've been rewired from scratch
A new-old me shines
I've been altered - I hope it's for life

Who I was meant to be
away from all that I used to be
phobia, fear
breaking down, scream

And who am I to blame
for this dramatic change?
Was it pills, was it me, was it fate?

It wasn't the girl that I had been
the feelings and actions I had seen
all that I had came to be...
drifting away to darker roads
I have been reborn
maybe I have to thank God

The pink around me swallowed me whole
Everything was pink! Coloring my bones
Everything was in order - but all of my own
The water started boiling - after years in full stop
Maybe a lifetime, I could not tell - it was so long

And now I cry - and now I shake
and now I ache - but I am not the same
I am the wooden girl, the alien
made human -saved- by whose hand?
Her own spell

There is a gap in between
is it you, or is it me?
Where does this lead
It hurts to see it die like this

Are we troubled and should we heal
in each other's hands (neck kiss)
or shall we give in
to what's below our feet
in my case, being swallowed by his lips
giving in to life's curse, setting us free?

I am not the most experienced woman in the world...
but I can feel something might go wrong
so slow, it feels good
so slow, that we might crash soon

We could be everything
and I really want to believe
but many nights under the covers
it is him, it is him, it is him

We love each other
we build a dream
what would we be
were we not you and me

And you are water
but he is fire!
And you put out the blaze
until the next time

And they say leave one of them
do not play games
I am not playing any games
I am trying to get it straight
but I get lost, in the way

I don't see **** clear
but the Thames will surely speak to me
Omens will appear
in the form of clarity

Oh, sapphic ghost
I am there with you
I never thought you'd be back
10 years after all that
Shapeshifter, but I know your act

You're not my friend
I am not one of you girls
Pretty girls with the short hair
and kisses below the waist
but I gravitate
to the grey line where you play

Am I losing depth
Am I losing myself
I found myself in a black pit
had to get out anyway

I have been mistaking
things all along
but isn't making mistakes
what this life is for?

Carried to the easy
carried to the grave
it's an oasis
where slowly creeps in death

But you can't fix it with a thought
Only energy will fill that hole
You like girls - what's wrong?
What's wrong - I miss a man's touch

I know the secrets to the universe - one day at a time

**** love! ****** that prudish *****
But you can't **** love
because it is the core
You need to restrain it
so it can flow

****** love!
Banish that ugly word
You need time to explore
And you don't need Valentines
or flowers or candy hearts
unless they melt to a hot touch
But the beasts howl at the other side...
...The beasts of misled lust and endless rides
(no, you misled goody two shoes, again, you lied!)
No such thing as too long a ride!
Just a hooking one, a toxic kind
One that binds you, and gives you nothing back

The beasts of too many things inside
The beasts always outnumber the nice
But the nice shines brighter than all that

So, **** love
let it fly free
such was its design
such beauty it is

And love says,
"you can't ****** me"
you feel it in your hands
you can't just slay this
**** the creation, **** the crippling monster
that maims and kills!
but not the thirst
You had to **** love first
so it could spring
And every now and then
the twisting begins...
be aware! be sharp! be quick!
Let love live! You know what it means

Do I have to die again
or will I simply regenerate -
shed my skin day by day
till a new me does emerge
and feed forevers for myself

The world you created
isn't the real world
there is a bridge between them
but it's not the whole

I have these realizations now
I am under the effect of blurry stars
And tomorrow us...
I will rise
I've been rising all along
The truth always wins
Time to wake up
Please not that suddenly -

Shapeless soul candy beautiful boy
You're hot, no need to be coy
So why am I calling you boy?

Blue eyed man
I know you got tired of who I am.

but

Meet me at the threshold
of our worlds
Who shot me? I am losing blood
take me
where aliens escape to earth
I tasted human water
now spacey air no longer fed

You live at the border
between madness and light
you peek inside
and you found me there

And I found you there
your blue eyes and your entrancing touch
dark **** nights at parks!
you are a gift I was given now
now I know how love feels
now I know how wholeness must be!
not inadequacy and dysfunction
(not all the **** I took from him)
now I know how warm it must be
when you just can grab what you wish
a melting sweet in your palm
grab it while it's cold

You are beautiful
you are shapeless too
it's one of the reasons
why you're so good

You are shapeless because you need nothing else
no enhancements because you're yourself
I paint you in my brain this way

Kiss me goodbye
or kiss me hello
keep me in your heart
I will do so
even if I could not be enough

Shapeless guy
Miracle in Bumble
A dream to hold close
Though, he is probably gone

When it crashes
it does not make a sound
muffled scream, no alarm
All the pain, contained

When it crashes
it just shatters, breaks
there's no warning in the air
there's no outer signals
of what's coming over
it crashes, and you crash together

No catharsis at all
The crash creeps in slowly
till it shreds the core!
There were patterns and omens
(there always are)
but we were partially blind
to them
it wasn't in our fate to see those lights
When it crashes, be (not) ready
Because it won't be a tragedy
You will be torn in a million parts
no pictures to match
what goes inside

(Mom does not know a thing
Mom she never did
I am a ****** to her eyes, the ****** queen
with a thread of men in my dreams
Mom does not suspect, the pain
can she see through me?)

Know you're hurt inside
We all try to survive
We try to get along with life, put people in our ride
What am I to you, what have you been to me?
Everything

I trust life a lot - got nothing more
I see the signs in the roads
they speak worlds
Everything speaks at once
And it's way too much

You're a wounded child
******* with anyone you find
You love me in your own twisted way
And I love you with my characteristic strength:
obsessing, but also giving myself

Are you the bandage
no, you're more than a simple passage
a passage zone - that just maybe

Sometimes I envision the future
I can feel your hot kiss
The caress that he would never give
You could save me
you could take me away from here
but first I need to save myself
first I need to be my own agency

I am trapped on him
he doesn't let go of me
not even in my bed
he spreads all over my dreams
like plague, like spring

But slowly you're creeping in
Still, it's all about him
I hope you do,
I hope he decides quick

Are you the balm
you're beautiful God you are!
you turn me on so much
but I've got a lovely limp
he cut my feet
he restrained my limbs
and I am happily gagged
while he roams around without me
But I can't live like this

Are you the key
tarot cards can't help me now
let's take it to the park
let's take it to our dreams
Blue eyes against hot glasses.
Spring against scorching dangerous summer.
Climate change!
"A lot of love, a lot of blood", she said
You're not a bandage
but maybe you should be happy
to cauterize the wound so good

She's a love ******
She can't dissociate
She loves, or either she breaks

She got freed a darkened day
But she always gets carried away
with some thing that she shouldn't crave
She knows the truth, she knows it well
But others can't help but differ instead

She's a ******
for thrills and chills
She bleeds...
Can you get free little girl
You are on your way there
You have walls to break - but so do they

To know I know now
and I pushed you away back then!
Like a little girl with the new toy
between my legs

To see the truth clear
that I love you, I think
but I do not dare say
now I know it is real

To have your vision blurred
by a million mists
yet knowing you've witnessed
something at last but not least!

To yearn for you in a way I had never felt
it breaks my heart, but I can cope well
I won't die anymore, but I can tell
if we don't survive, it will be a bit of hell
In fact, somehow it is, and has been
Paradise and hell - so close in a way

I don't want the past back. At all. I don't.
I want to create something that blows our minds.
Do you love me? (Or have I killed that)
Do I love you back? No anxiety, no fear of abandonment
this time?
Be careful - but do not fear too much
Beware - of yourself, but do not fret
Do not stifle yourself!
Stay tuned to the possibility of mess - but please do not stress