Sometimes I think my lungs are shrinking,
And there's nothing I can do,
But claw at my chest,
Till I bleed between breaths,
And try to make it through,
But what used to last for minutes,
Is turning into days,
And the saying "Breathe deep"
Has turned so cheap,
And no one knows what else to say,
When my chest isn't tight it's hollow,
Expanding into space,
Darkness inside me,
Like the demons beside me,
Have clawed inside through my face,
The emptiness feels like reconing,
For all that I have done,
The tears I'm served
Are undeserved,
But that doesn't stop them from getting to run,
It's worse than it was before,
Because now I know I am now safe,
From who I am,
Or where I stand,
I am not a trusting place,
I'm hurting and I'm hurting
God please tell me when does it end?
Because if you're there,
And I'm not screaming to air,
I beg for you some sign to send,
I'm shaking, I can't stop shaking,
I'm hollow and I'm trapped,
I'm my own jail,
So cold so frail,
Emotionally tapped,
The wind is more my friend,
That the earth was ever home,
So blow through me,
And set me free,
Because this is hell, and I'm ready to go...

The words stay in your head,
Way after they're gone,
Finding yourself fighting,
Everytime you're on your own,
The bruises faded,
But did they ever really leave?
When even with clear arms,
You're pulling at your sleeves.
You chased down someone
More than twice your speed,
To get half of the love
You know you crave and need.
But what were you really chasing?
Slammed doors and broken windows,
Shaking even in their arms,
Like a dead tree when the wind blows,
Now they've left you broken,
Even after months of healing,
You're not really there,
Taking breaths but not breathing,
Not scared of the dark,
But rather what's inside,
Because even in an empty bed,
You turn away to hide,
Its still living inside you,
The phantom that they left behind,
Just because your body has healed,
Doesn't mean your head is fine,
So you'll scream from someone who's not there,
In the middle of the darkness,
But still try to be loving,
Being Heartbroken won't make me Heartless...

The thunder shouts,
As the lightening cries
When rain falls like tears,
Kept too long inside,
The winds will blow,
And twist your hair,
Wrap up your mind,
In feelings you wish weren't there,
You'll shut your windows,
Lock your doors,
You try to stay dry,
From your own storm,
You spin the clouds,
Each time you deny,
That the things you are hiding,
Makes you far from "fine"
Power cracks in your lungs,
You're starting to heave,
You've held back a dam,
Locked up each time you grieve,
But ignoring the cracks,
Won't make them disappear,
You think you've pushed off the floods,
But Honey they're here,
You're drowning in sorrows,
You've hidden from the world,
Tears fall from your eyes,
As your vision will swirl,
Bottle after bottle,
It's all fallen away,
You're afraid of who's running,
And who dares to stay,
Who will fight your storm,
When you cannot swim?
It's time to reach out,
This won't hide at your whim,
There's a hand if you see it,
A place on dry land,
Do not let your fight,
Lose what will still stand,
There's stars in your eyes,
Don't hide them with clouds,
And no matter how heavy the storm,
I will be just as loud,
I have fought many storms,
Many floods in my wake,
As smooth seas,
Does not a good sailor make,
The sun will rise soon,
Just know you're not alone,
Take steps at your own pace,
And I will help you home...

I've always been a lost boy,
Dreaming of some kind of Neverland,
But no Peter Pan in sight,
No Fairy dust for my plan,
To take me far away,
Find a home,
Somewhere far from this place,
Where I don't feel alone,
Never thought it would be a person,
Found in a place like this,
A simple feeling,
A simple phone call for a fix,
All it takes is a moment,
A bandage for a bruised hand,
I'll always be there,
To take you over broken land,
I've made myself Peter Pan,
I've found the second star to the right,
And I'll burn them in the darkest times,
I'll lead you to Neverland in your deepest night...

It's midnight and the rain is pouring,
It brings up something in my soul,
Of shakey waters,
Forgotten daughters,
And stories so untold,
It's midnight and I see lightening,
It blinds my careful eyes,
I see too much,
Yet not enough,
There's so much that people hide,
It's midnight and I hear thunder,
It rings out in my ears,
Like the crack of wood,
Burned as witches stood,
Facing their worstened fears,
It's midnight and it's storming,
I don't know where to go,
It's way too cold,
To let myself unfold,
With nothing left to show,
It's midnight, it's way too quiet,
So I tell myself again,
Even in this dark,
Shivers leave their mark,
Like bruises to my pain,
My thoughts are oh so scattered,
From anxiety in its plight,
So I'll wait for sleep,
Pray my heart will keep,
As afterall, it's only midnight.

I don't want to listen;
I'd rather not see;
As all of my thoughts;
Fall out as I bleed;
They flow and they break away;
Dormant my soul;
As with every breath;
My story gets retold;
In my mind as the images;
Reel though my head;
Constantly reminding me;
I'd rather be dead;
Standing on the outside;
Hanging in cold;
As my eyes hold a trauma;
Waiting to unfold;
Hoping they see me;
But hoping to hide;
I'm holding the mask;
As I'm dying inside;
With every heartbeat;
I still feel no life;
No pulse through my fingers;
To say I'm alive;
So I fight off the demons
That control my mind;
I don't want to hurt those
Who stand at my side;
But I can't keep fighting;
I can barely stand;
I'm not sure how to tell them;
Who I really am;
I'm cracking I'm fading
And none of its real;
No laughter no smiling
Cuz I hardly feel;
But I keep on moving;
Though I'm dead inside;
I take every moment
As I act in stride;
They can never notice;
They can never see;
That all of this joy;
Is a pretended me;
My seams still aren't holding;
I've cut them myself;
Cut all the ties
To my old mental health;
I think I'm too broken;
Not sure how I breathe;
Somehow I keep ticking;
Though I still want to leave;
The night times are nearing;
My demons play games;
And by next morning
I won't be the same;
Truth is I'm sick;
And I'm living on pills;
I'm empty inside;
The meds never will fill
The hole where my soul was;
The dark in my eyes;
That used to hold light
At least most of the time;
But now even smiling;
Won't reach past my lips;
As the mania rises;
My demons take hits;
Slowly ensuring
I will never stand;
I'm not even sure
Who exactly I am;
This side of me beckons
And holds on too tight;
It slows down my breathing;
And takes me at night;
To terrible places
And terrible thoughts;
Of bleeding and dying;
In my minds own court;
The verdict is waiting;
Why do I stay?
Cuz my friends truly need me;
Those are the words that they say;
And I'm trying to fight it;
Just to make them proud;
But I only hear their whispers;
My demons are loud;
I don't want to hurt them;
But something tells me;
This isn't a quick-fix;
As we all will see;
I'm drowning in darkness;
I'm gasping for air;
I'm falling apart;
Drifting into despair;
Rocking for safety;
I'm crying for peace;
I need to get out of this;
I need a release;
Because I am closing;
Soon all you'll see is doors
As I shut down my soul
As it spreads to the floors;
I'm trying I'm trying
I do want to leave
And yet I just lay here,
I continue to breathe;
I want it to be faster;
The rate that I heal;
But friends I am sorry
That's not what I feel;
Its too much to carry
Its too much to bare;
You cannot fix what is broken
Beyond all compare;
My thoughts are killing me;
As you're watching my eyes;
Hoping to fix
What is hurting inside;
But sadly I'm not there;
I'm not even "fine"
And this smile your seeing
Isn't even mine;
I stole it from all of you;
Each time you laugh;
I mimic you actions
And hope I am part
Of the reason you're smiling;
and the things that you say;
One day I'll meet you there;
Just not today,
As with every heartbeat
I beg and I plead;
Next time I'm here
Please just leave me to bleed;
I'm fighting my demons;
But this is a war;
I'm afraid that I'm losing;
Can't do this anymore;
The world is turning grey
And I'm closing my eyes;
I'm sorry I've hurt you;
I'll heal you in time...

Her heart no longer beats alone,
As she feels the phantom heart,
Of a arm that's wrapped around her,
Even though they're miles apart,
The winter cannot freeze her,
As his warmth will touch her soul,
With the gentlness of a feathers touch,
But still thawing out the cold,
That was her deepest fears,
The demons in the night,
As with every touch he fought them,
And with every touch brought light,
He traces every scar line,
That curves along her skin,
He still sees her as beautiful,
And he still makes her world spin,
She never sleeps alone at night,
As he watches over her dreams,
A guardian angel found on earth,
As he restitches her seams,
Such beauty is destruction,
The broken pieces find their fit,
And she can finally close her eyes,
Because the darkness is now lit...

Keep close enough to them,
That they cannot throw their gas;
Always run against the wind,
The pain too shall pass;
Once you've come into contact,
Rinse with milk and never water.
Keep fighting for your basic rights,
Keep fighting for Micheals slaughter;
You've thrown open the police force,
Now the world has to inspect,
So to Ferguson with all my love,
To Ferguson with all my respect...

A forgotten scene,
So far in past,
That the strings are blues,
And a guitar his cast,
Behind the clouds,
We call his eyes,
Are stories we
Can't even find,
The demons leap,
And scrape on heels,
Beyond their reach,
And still he feels,
A strengthened face,
The calmest of stair,
You won't see the shadows,
But they are still there,
A hand that slides,
As the music blares,
To change the eyes,
Adapt the stare,
To find the tune,
And change the sound,
Yet to be lost,
Yet now is found,
A heart that beats,
With the speakers screams;
A secret angel,
With secret wings,
Watching over,
In a state of sane,
You won't see the age,
Of previous pain,
And so a smile,
Creeps onto the lips,
That have screamed and sworn,
And lashed like whips,
To recall the flowers,
Spoken by the same mind,
As the poetry flows,
You'll see more than you'll find,
A silent twist,
As the sounds will flow,
Past thoughts and memories,
No one will know...

Their summer reminds me,
Of the eternal one that was yours,
And hair dark like summer storms
That smelled of spring flowers,
Eyes like the streams
We would watch at midday,
The eyes that taught me,
To open mine and see day,
A smile that would play
On the corner of rosed lips,
Withholding the laughter
That built into fits,
Fingers that danced over skin,
Beaded with the drops,
You caused down my spine,
With every game that I "lost"
A collarbone I knew by heart,
As my lips blindly traced,
Every dip of your skin,
Felt how your heart raced,
You tasted like first rain,
As your tongue asked for entrance,
As gentle as lightening,
With our fingers finally laced,
My hands found home
At your hips,
And my mouth found life
At your lips,
Scars laced your arms,
Like vines filled with each flower,
And I knew every curve,
I knew everything you'd allow her,
The blush of your cheeks
That rose from your neck,
With every stolen glance,
And every stolen peck.

The thunder storms dried,
And spring flowers turned to dust,
Leaving nothing but chill,
Where there was once lust,
The rains turned to dry puddles,
Your collarbone to stone,
No longer beating,
Completely alone,
Beads of sweat turned to tears,
As your fingers lay still,
No heart beat resonated,
I didn't see you where ill,
The blush of your cheeks,
Became the red of your vines,
The roses where blooming,
As my flower died,
And so came on winter,
Frost fell over the ground,
Of Sleeping Beauty's own grave,
Death nor love, neither be proud...

Hate and love,
Find what’s between,
As death consumes
And breathes my being,
Ghosted eyes,
And tinted shame,
A chemical reaction,
To his name,
A tumor found,
But a scalpel lost,
Inside my chest,
Behind what’s locked
And cuts away,
With each rise and fall;
Of a broken chest,
From a broken fall;
Take this name;
And take this hate,
Try control your mind;
Take in your fate;
Of broken homes,
And nightmare nights,
Shaking hands,
As your own mind fights
On what is real,
And what it seems,
Just breathe in baby,
Death will be your best dream…

The silhouette of our play ground,
I can still breathe our game;
The sun burns my eyelids;
As I rest from being sane;
Hush boy
Our worlds gone quite;
Your mind
Will try to fight it;
Chest to chest;
Grip me longer;
You push against my lips;
Bite alittle harder;
Winning for now;
But not for long;
You may be evil;
But I'm trained in "wrong"
My heart is ragged;
My lips grazed closer;
Sshhh,
This play of ours
Is far from over...

I've always been...
Self-destructive.

Every word I say to you
Is living proof.


And every word I don't say
Is my dying grace...

Truth is,
I don't understand what I'm feeling.

And I don't think my poetry does either....

For tonight there's one we lay to rest;
Not just a brother, not just a friend;
In blood we shared our honors true;
And in words we planned what we would do;
But the words they held no concrete;
And in stone is no more plans;
As tonight we lay to deepest rest;
A brother, and a man.

The night may be cold;
But its warmer than home;
Not just the building but the feeling;
She feels everywhere she roams;
The rain hits and melts the tar;
That the streetlights set on fire;
As her footsteps cloud her thinking;
She's walking on a wire;
Buttons up her jacket;
Turns her coat up to the cold;
She keeps walking with her eyes blurred;
As her tears follow on the road;
As the storm clouds bleed her silence;
And the thunder steals her screams;
She wraps her arms around her heart;
As she trembles at the seams;
She drops down at a corner;
As her soul begins to shake;
She's not asking for a miracle;
Just someone that isn't fake;
But he won't hold her tightly;
As the pain falls from her eyes;
And every breath becomes a battle field;
Where nothing makes it out alive;
The night wind is duly howling;
As her storm clouds slowly bleed;
As her heart loses its stitching;
And alone, her soul falls to its knees...

I can't tell what is helping;
And what's condescending;
Is this happiness starting?
Or sanity ending?
At the end of a rope;
So give me some more;
I'll tie up this noose;
Behind the closed door;
Thinking you're snapping;
So easily lit;
Really to scream;
Feels like a new fit;
On the verge of a breakdown;
Trying to control it;
But I can't even move it;
Nevermind mold it;
Fearing the touch;
But needing the feel;
Of someone around;
Someone that's real;
Cuz everyone is moving;
And everyone leaving;
So the cycle restarts;
And my hearts barely beating;
This feeling is new;
But the question is if its real;
Is this pity;
Or do they really feel?
Petrified of this ending;
I'm not changing quick enough.
Are they getting impatient?
Am I just too tough?
Don't know why he's trying;
They've failed before;
So do yourself a favor;
There's the door;
The panels are falling;
As I begin to scream;
This is a nightmare;
That I thought was a dream;
My minds shed, a household;
Abandoned, barely standing;
Broken plates and shattered panes;
Using shards for my branding;
Cuz I think I am cracking;
And the windows will shake;
And something tells me you won't hold me;
When my screaming soul rebreaks...

Excuse me, pardon me;
But you don't understand;
I don't want to explain;
The way that I am;
Yes ma'am, no ma'am;
I'm sure I won't mind;
Just treat me like dirt;
I know you're not kind;
I'm sorry you're sad;
I'm sorry you cry;
Because I'm "just a *****"
and all I do is "lie";
Yes I don't want to be around you;
I don't want to be home;
But don't throw a fit;
That I'm "leaving the family alone"
You are the reason
I'm praying for an out;
You force your self into my life;
Then I'm a ***** for forcing you out;
You do not understand!
I'm ******* insane!
My bipolar DISORDER
Is not just a game!
Don't try to play nice;
You've never done it before;
When I was younger I lived,
Outside your slammed door;
And now the tables have turned;
I will not be kind;
Yes ma'am no ma'am;
I'm sure you won't mind;
Your medicine burns;
As your heart raises blisters;
Know you know how it feels;
To be cut out by your own sister…

She came from a different world;
Got plugged into the darkness;
Walked down empty streets;
Lined with soulless houses;
Her heart was like a toolbox;
And her soul was like a doctor;
And as she tried to fix every broken mind;
She began to drown in their troubled water;
To her every action had a meaning;
And every person, like domino's;
She tried to reset all the pieces;
And to find out where they go;
She saw everyone as victims;
Of broken families, abusive dads;
And tried to be the perfect keeper;
The savior she never had;
Until the demons smelt her weakness;
To put any soul before her own;
So they began to feed off her;
Knowing she couldn't say no;
His smile was appealing;
There was evil in his eyes;
But he spun her his sad story;
He spun the perfect lie;
As she watched him sinking deeper;
She couldn't keep up on what was sent;
But what she didn't realize;
Is he was perfectly contempt;
He used her and abused her;
As the drugs consumed his soul;
Still she prayed for the light behind his eyes;
She prayed for the heart he had sold;
He fed from her and took her light;
Never caring, never did;
Took all she had, everything he could take;
Everything that she could give;
He walks off and he's laughing;
While she's barely left to function;
Cries her self to sleep at night;
So she'll drain out all emotion;
She's convinced that she can fix them;
Be the savior she never had;
But not everyone is burdened;
By the demons that drive her mad;
Scraping at her ****** heels;
The shadows claw her heart;
She's given up on running;
"Let them drain me, I play my part"
She walks down the damaged sidewalks;
And looks for sadness slaves;
But she doesn't see not everyone's a victim;
And not everyone can be saved…

They. Fill. My. Time.

Nothing more;
They aren't friends;
They aren't close.
They just
keep
me
busy.


They fill my mind with day,
To day,
To daily minutes;
That build into hours so for even 1 hour,
You aren't on my mind.

And I want to believe that everything is fine but
Its not.
I want to believe my own words,
That flow from my mouth as I play

The most meaningless game.


I don't even bother asking if its real
Because we use eachother for what we need
And text a goodnight.
Say I love you through paper thin screens as the clock ticks away and I wish,

It was you I'm sending the messages to.
Because everything I do seems to be a message to you.


One you never even read.


So I fill my time with words on a screen,
Caught up in their affection like one might be caught up in a book.

All fictional writings.
As I write my diction hoping to
find
some kind
Of conviction.


I'll take any warm embrace, so I can close my eyes and pretend its you.
Take each moment with any of them,

To try refill my mind

and fill my time.

You broke me and you tore me;
Left me shattered on the floor;
You gave my heart hope;
Only to walk up out the door;
You destroyed the girl I used to be;
The one you had helped create;
After loving you unconditionally;
You controlled my fate;
You caused me weeks of endless crying;
And nightmares woke me from my sleep;
Shaking and convulsing;
You where the source of all my screams;
But honestly I want to thank you;
For everything you did;
Cause I finally had to grow up;
And stop acting like a kid;
I leaned on you to be stable;
To get me through each day;
And when you abandoned me;
I had to find my own way;
I built up from my foundation;
You broke me down to;
I shoved away all the rubble;
That was the memories of you;
I can finally keep on walking;
Without my toxic crutch;
And I can finally move on;
My life is not surrounded by my crush;
Now when I hear your voice;
It doesn't melt me from inside;
And I know that though I want you;
I don't need you in my life;
My words might be harsh as glass shards;
But I'm done with child-lock;
Thank you for forcing me to grow up;
Thank you for my hearts shock;
You are no longer my therapist;
You are no longer my gravity;
You can't pull me down or raise me up;
I've been brought back to reality;
You make me laugh and make me smile;
And I admit it is nice what you do;
But I can finally stand up and say:
"My friend, I'm over you."

The clouds are rolling in;
And it covers up the skies;
Let's me breath and fill my soul;
As it calms what's inside;
There is nothing it compares to;
Where is this new mirage?
You'll find few feelings like this;
Like the strumming of guitars:
You'll escape from all anxiety;
Take vanity in aim;
And hold on to a memory;
That won't happen again.
Its creeping at my minds edge;
The shallows are reeling in;
Talons pull and tear my sanity;
As my heart beat is wearing thin;
Its as constant as my breathing;
Whispering in the back of my mind;
That I would be calmer;
If a blade is what I'd find;
The anxiety is crippling;
As it rises in my throat;
I try my best to push it down;
But it pushes till I can't cope;
I don't know why I'm nervous;
Cannot even meet the eye;
As the eyes are the windows to the soul;
And I don't want him seeing mine;
Its like snapping of my rib cage;
Why are my hands shaking?
Why is the world turning dark?
Why is it I'm not breathing?
All I need is the sound of breathing;
There's no judging in the night;
Listen to your heart like thunder;
And we live in darkness under light…

Let me be the place to rest your head,
I've been put here for a reason.
A guardian angel to find your soul,
To bring you through this cold season.
I cannot help but I can stand,
Be a crutch to your fatal heart,
I cannot restart the beating nor stop the bleeding,
But I can show you where to start,
You're on a spiral downward,
But I know that you can cope with this,
Our worlds are spinning parallel,
Let me help your hearts paralysis.
I'm fighting for your freedom,
But what are you fighting for?
I just want you to let me in,
Don't lose me in this war.
You're a soldier and a gunman,
Front lines for everyone else's war,
Took fatalities on your own count,
But no one's fought for you before,
The stars are points of reason,
And we'll watch them in the night,
Because I'm here even for the darkest mood,
I'm here for love not just the fight…

With every tear he sheds I feel the pain,
I understand being alone.
People use him and move on, and never turn back. This world has been too hard, on a soul that has hurt too much. Why do the best always hurt the worst? Bottled up pain that he feels no one understands and with every heart break comes a crack in the bottle holding every tear never shed. The nights are long when a soul is alone and every thought widens the hole consuming his once present smile. A smile that lit up days is now being eaten away by what night brings. The heart doesn't understand why, why each situation has come to **** what already feels dead. To take away when nothing is left. The smile is fake and the heart is torn, and the soul is lost in dark. The walls keep building themselves higher and higher. A king ruling a castle alone.

I'm worried the walls shut me out, but if I must I will break each brick. Just to show you, you are not alone…

He walks to the sound of his own drum,
You'll never find a rule of constant,
Never ceasing to amaze of change,
Defending those of his crumbled stone,
Taking upon a heart of crystal,
Around coal of surrounding lungs,
Breathing darkness into flowered minds,
Attempting to make of them fields,
He holds to his name nothing but lights,
Creating stars upon dark skies,
The beating hearts of words unspoken,
It what he draws as dew in dawn,
A safened place of softened holds,
Such trust combining twists of forgotten feelings,
Never spoken always felt,
As nothing wrong can be made,
Such a defense he builds walls,
Ones wished to be brought down,
As his soul holds simple light,
Of purity previously forgotten,
No level been met by past life,
As he sets the bar of standard,
As if written by his name,
Such fame held only by truth,
Holding nations at his shoulders,
He may fall as others rise,
But he allows such with a smile of note,
Pride streaming from lit eyes,
A spirit in its sensing,
Allowing snowfall in its rain,
Of such a smile brings forth northern winds,
As the world begins to storm,
Nothing phases and nothing changes,
Yet nothing stays the same,
A glowing light of founded stars,
To be seen in flowing eyes.
A phantom of a touch,
Light of feathers by the face,
By mind but not by sight,
As sight is never what one wants to see.