I don't want to listen;
I'd rather not see;
As all of my thoughts;
Fall out as I bleed;
They flow and they break away;
Dormant my soul;
As with every breath;
My story gets retold;
In my mind as the images;
Reel though my head;
Constantly reminding me;
I'd rather be dead;
Standing on the outside;
Hanging in cold;
As my eyes hold a trauma;
Waiting to unfold;
Hoping they see me;
But hoping to hide;
I'm holding the mask;
As I'm dying inside;
With every heartbeat;
I still feel no life;
No pulse through my fingers;
To say I'm alive;
So I fight off the demons
That control my mind;
I don't want to hurt those
Who stand at my side;
But I can't keep fighting;
I can barely stand;
I'm not sure how to tell them;
Who I really am;
I'm cracking I'm fading
And none of its real;
No laughter no smiling
Cuz I hardly feel;
But I keep on moving;
Though I'm dead inside;
I take every moment
As I act in stride;
They can never notice;
They can never see;
That all of this joy;
Is a pretended me;
My seams still aren't holding;
I've cut them myself;
Cut all the ties
To my old mental health;
I think I'm too broken;
Not sure how I breathe;
Somehow I keep ticking;
Though I still want to leave;
The night times are nearing;
My demons play games;
And by next morning
I won't be the same;
Truth is I'm sick;
And I'm living on pills;
I'm empty inside;
The meds never will fill
The hole where my soul was;
The dark in my eyes;
That used to hold light
At least most of the time;
But now even smiling;
Won't reach past my lips;
As the mania rises;
My demons take hits;
Slowly ensuring
I will never stand;
I'm not even sure
Who exactly I am;
This side of me beckons
And holds on too tight;
It slows down my breathing;
And takes me at night;
To terrible places
And terrible thoughts;
Of bleeding and dying;
In my minds own court;
The verdict is waiting;
Why do I stay?
Cuz my friends truly need me;
Those are the words that they say;
And I'm trying to fight it;
Just to make them proud;
But I only hear their whispers;
My demons are loud;
I don't want to hurt them;
But something tells me;
This isn't a quick-fix;
As we all will see;
I'm drowning in darkness;
I'm gasping for air;
I'm falling apart;
Drifting into despair;
Rocking for safety;
I'm crying for peace;
I need to get out of this;
I need a release;
Because I am closing;
Soon all you'll see is doors
As I shut down my soul
As it spreads to the floors;
I'm trying I'm trying
I do want to leave
And yet I just lay here,
I continue to breathe;
I want it to be faster;
The rate that I heal;
But friends I am sorry
That's not what I feel;
Its too much to carry
Its too much to bare;
You cannot fix what is broken
Beyond all compare;
My thoughts are killing me;
As you're watching my eyes;
Hoping to fix
What is hurting inside;
But sadly I'm not there;
I'm not even "fine"
And this smile your seeing
Isn't even mine;
I stole it from all of you;
Each time you laugh;
I mimic you actions
And hope I am part
Of the reason you're smiling;
and the things that you say;
One day I'll meet you there;
Just not today,
As with every heartbeat
I beg and I plead;
Next time I'm here
Please just leave me to bleed;
I'm fighting my demons;
But this is a war;
I'm afraid that I'm losing;
Can't do this anymore;
The world is turning grey
And I'm closing my eyes;
I'm sorry I've hurt you;
I'll heal you in time...