The days that are the worst
Are when I feel nothing at all
Not exactly low
Just numb

That's what depression does to you
A cancerous numbing
Slowly spreading
Until your whole brain goes cold

Trying any remedy
To feel something again
But it's too late
I've already lost all feeling

I'm no longer living a life
I'm just simply existing

Drink one
My eyes grow heavy
I sit in a fold out chair
In the corner of the living room

Drink two
I zone out
To the sound of the rest of my family getting riled up about who knows what
I want to join in
But then again
I don't

Drink three
Things start to get fuzzy
My words slur
I decide to join in after all

Drink four
It's probably a bad idea
To say whatever comes to mind
Laying on the bathroom floor

Drink five
This was supposed to be fun
Not a nightmare
My sister cries into my cousin's arms
As I laugh to myself

*Blackout

you left.
and apparently that left me with more problems than I'd like to admit.
you left.
and my walls are so high that sometimes I don't even know what is happening in my own mind.
you left.
and now I'm terrified. I'm scared. but mostly, I'm sccared.
you left.
and I can't let anyone in. I can't believe anyone would even waste their time having a conversation with me.
you left.
and now everything anyone tells me is a lie.
you left.
and I don't think I will ever be able to fully trust another male again.
you left.
and I wish you didn't take my trust with you. because there are some people that deserve my trust so much more than you do.
you left.
and now I believe everyone else will, too.

you're gone physically, but it's not that easy.
you're still here in the way that I can't let anyone else know how I despise every inch of myself.
you're still here in the way the marks on my skin won't let the memories fade.
you're still here in the way where your broken promises make me cackle just as I'm promised a simple text.
you're still here in the way as when your name is casually mentioned I cringe.
you're still here in the way that I can't seem to trust those who are most sincere.
you're still here in the way that youre embedded into my veins, your key still fits the locks in the towers of my mind.
as much as I'd love for your physical absence to bring the absence of your memory in my mind it does not. your memory lies in the dungeon of my towers and your key is tightly placed into the key hole. as many times as I change my locks that ******* key fits
and that's why I won't let anyone that close even though your place needs to be filled. because you physically left and you took the part of my mind that knew how to be strong and how to tell the right from the wrong.
you're gone physically, but it's not that easy.