I wish it was me
the one you always talk about
I wish it was me
who was always on your mind

I wish it was you
Who thought of me this way
I wish it was you
so I could finally stay

I'm just so tired of living
Of breathing and moving and trying
I'm just so tired of always pretending
That I am alright

I'm so tired of believing
That everything will get better
I'm so tired of being disappointed
When everything falls apart

I'm just so tired of everything
People, places, words
And I'm just so tired of being me
When I feel like I'm all wrong

*I'm just so tired

I feel like I can't breathe
Like I can't even take a breath
That I am pretending to be alive
So that no one notices
On the inside I am dying

i read so that i can pretend i don't exist

Is it bad that I look at your messages as soon as I get them?
And wait for hours for a reply?
Is it bad that my heart flutters when my phone beeps?
And my smile is always a mile wide?
Is it bad that I'm falling again for you?
Even after I said I was done?
Is it bad that I'm not over you?
And still holding on?
**is it bad?

I may be smiling
But in reality I’m close to tears
I may be trying
But it doesn't quench my fears
The monsters don’t sleep under my bed
They sleep inside my head
And I’m too scared to say it
So I hide behind a smile

I am braver than you think
I am stronger than I seem
Smarter than you know
And as beautiful as I allow myself to be
I have let go of the past
Embraced new horizons
And by finding my soul
I’ve come to believe a little more

Sometimes all I can do
Is get up and breathe
And that's okay
Because it means I'm still alive

Sweetheart hold your breath
Nobody can hear you
Close your eyes and pray
For another chance
Darling hold it all in
Nobody is listening
Stand by and hope for a new beginning
Watch as life flashes by

*hold your breath

I've watched you fall for girls
over and over again
I watched your heart been broken
and suffer miles of pain

I've always been there
to pick you up when you fall
Been a shoulder to cry on
a companion through it all

Still you carry on drowning
in all these endless tears
And if you don't stop now
You'll carry on through the years

I swore the last time it happened
I'd pull myself away
Walk out the door and say goodbye
never again would I stay

But once again I'm back with you
holding you as you cry
"I'll leave for real next time" I say
but we both know I won't try

Why do I always put myself through the pain of falling for the wrong guy over and over? The one I know I can never have. I'll never be good enough, or pretty enough for them, and yet I fall anyway, and each time hurts more than the last. I cry myself to sleep wondering where I go wrong. Why do they always go for the girls who are so perfect? they never spare me a glance. I think I'll always live in a cycle of falling for the wrong guy and always be alone...

It's difficult to pretend I'm okay
When really I'm not
On the inside I'm screaming
And bleeding a lot

The tears are invisible
The pain tearing me apart
But on the outside I am smiling
Like I have a happy heart

It's so hard to act like I'm fine
To seem like it's alright
When my heart is breaking
And I've lost the will to fight

i just want to be loved

I'm tired of watching and waiting for someone to catch the meaning behind my words. But they only see what they want to. No one sees the truth. They don't feel the pain behind every carefully crafted word I've printed on the page. No one sees the tears or the sadness I've hidden behind a smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes. They can't see past their self-consumed lives, to realize how much others are hurting. I'm hurting. I'm slowly drowning in my invisible tears. My insecurities are choking me and forcing me to fall. I can't stand this anymore.

i just want to be loved
held tight
kept safe in someones warm arms
whispered nothings in the night
kissed, hugged
*loved

i'm getting kinda sick of love.......

I can't help but feel like a big disappointment
Like everything I do is wrong
You look at me with those sad eyes
All traces of happiness gone

I know I'm useless and totally pathetic
And I'm sorry for being that way
I can't change it no matter how much I wish
Unfortunately I'm here to stay

People tell me to lighten up and smile more
But I wish that they could just see
How the hell am I supposed to believe in myself
If no one will believe in me?

I can't help but hate myself
For who I am
I wish I was prettier or smarter
But I'm not
I'm nothing that you want me to be
I'm useless and pathetic
And all I see in the mirror
Is a dead reflection
I can't help it
So don't try to fix me
I'm broken beyond repair
And nothing you do can change
The hatred I feel for myself

I don't think you realize
That all my poetry is about you
In someway you've influenced each piece
Like part of your soul is hiding in my words

I'm so confused
And I don't know what to do
Friends to awkward
In a sentence or two

Why'd you do it?
I wish you left it alone
So we could go back to before
When it felt like home

Now I feel misplaced
In a world where I don't belong
A cat without a tail
Some lyrics without a song

Stuck in the dark
With no where to go
I think I'll stay right here
Without you and alone

Me? Really?
That’s the best you can do?
Why think of me when there are
Plenty of other girls out there too

They are prettier and smarter
And better in every way
And yet you say you think of me
Each minute of everyday

I’m insecure and doubtful
In everything I do
And yet you say it’s me
That’s in your head through and through

Your way too good for me
In every single way
Why stoop lower to be with me
And stick to black and grey

You could have any assortment of colours
But you choose the least of them all
I can’t be the one you want
I’ll only cause you to fall

Me? Really?
That’s the best you can do?
Out of all the colours in the world
There are plenty better for you

I only miss your picture
when it's gone
I only miss your smile
when you frown
I only miss your laughter
When your silent
I only miss your light
When it's dim

I don't really realize what I've got until you've left
I don't see you for who you truly are
I ignore you when your here
But when your gone
It's like a piece to my puzzle is missing

It's not been a good afternoon
I feel like I'm going to burst
I just need to say something to anyone
To get rid of some pressure

I am a balloon
That's been blown to the max
And if anything else happens
I will explode

Don't come to close with a pin
Or anything sharp at all
Words, lies, truth
It doesn't matter
Just leave me alone to deflate by myself

I'm a balloon floating away
Living in the clouds
Leave me there to come down in my own
Don't force me or try to coax me down
Just leave me be

I am a balloon

It's monday again
and the rain is still falling
just like the tears on my face
rivulets of pain
track my cheeks
and turn my jeans a darker shade

As the week goes by
my eyes will dry
and the pain will go away
then suddenly
it all comes back
and it's monday again

Most days I can carry on fine
I can bottle it all in
Hold it all tight
The pain threatens to overflow
But I can keep it in check
Just holding it back
I'm at tipping point
Anything can cause me to fall over the edge
But still I managed to just hold the tide

Then a small, insignificant thing happens
Not anything to be upset over
But it's the final straw
It's what tips me over

The tears start to drip like rain
Then pour like waterfalls
There is no way to stop it
No way to control it
I've lost my grip on sanity
All my emotions stumbling over each other
As they try to leave
Each roiling in a mass storm that's come to stay

Now that I'm here
There is no going back
I've passed the point of no return
I've left behind the sanity
I once had a slither of
I can't stop now
I can't go back
I'm here and I'm staying

*I'm past the point of no return

I don't understand why
You all look up to me
You say I'm all these things
That I'm so obviously not

Your saying that I'm perfect
I'm flawless, without fault
But have you looked at me
Underneath my surface

You see beauty, perfection
I see scars and mistakes
You see happiness, light
I see anger and hate

I don't think you realize
I'm not the angel you see
I'm not a role model
I shouldn't be put on a throne

I'll never be perfect
I'll never be free
I'm locked inside self hate
I've thrown away the key

So I still don't understand
What you see in me
Why do you look up to
A person I'm obviously not

I really don't get what you see

I know I said just friends
and that is what you want too
but I can't help my feelings
even though they don't 'exist'

i.just.can't.help.it.

I want to lock up my heart
and throw away the key
to never feel again
at least not right now

I can't stop thinking
about everything and anything
my brain won't shut up
especially when I'm trying to sleep
it's so frustrating
when I'm tossing and turning
thoughts bounce around
and around my head
they keep going in circles
in squares
whatever shape they can
never stopping
never ceasing
always moving
until suddenly it is morning
and my brain shuts down
finally some rest, some peace
for a little while
until my brain gears in again
and starts to think
then the cycle starts over
and suddenly **I can't sleep

Why am I so stupid around you
Why do I always say the wrong things
I'm always making a fool out of myself
Always clumsy, always thick

I'm constantly blushing
Always red in the face
It's not a pretty look for me
Or for anyone in that case

My heart races when you come near
My tongue goes thick in my mouth
I can't speak, cant think
I always wish I were somewhere else


Life would be better if it went back to the way it was before
Just friends **nothing more

How is it that when ever I'm mad
You can make me smile
How is it when I'm feeling down
You can make me giggle
How is it when I'm so upset, so depressed
You can make a light come shining through

How is it when my world has turned
You can flip it right around
How is it when I'm always frowning
You can pick me up off the ground
How come its only you
No one else gets through the way you do

*how

Your hello whispers across my skin
as you greet me in the cold
Your goodbye bites my bitter cheeks
as you disappear out of my life

I just can't get you out of my head
You're all I can think about
And it's driving me insane

My thoughts circle around you
In a wild, savage dance
The butterflies in my stomach won't calm down
No matter how much I beg them to

It's worse at night when I'm all alone
In the dark I toss and turn
Memories of you closing in on me
Filling every space they can find

I'm losing sleep over this
and it's all because of

YOU

I left
and now you've cut me out
You're moving on
making more friends

It seems as though you've forgotten me

I once was you're best friend
the girl in all those photos
Smiling, laughing, pouting

But I've been replaced
by some other girl
Who's prettier and smarter
better than me in every single way

I can't figure it out
what did I do wrong?
What was the mistake I made?

Maybe you just changed
maybe I did too
Our lives aren't connected anymore
we'll just go our separate ways

I think you did forget me

But just so you know
I forgive you for all you've done
For all the pain and tears

You don't know it yet
But I forgive you

You are forgiven

Am I so oblivious, that I notice nothing?
Not my friends newly dyed hair or green pea coat.
I miss the looks, the stares,
Stuck or maybe protected in my own little world....

summer days
                                       wishes floating away
                                                                              on the breezes that tug my hair