Sipping cider on the Saturday porch
while the bubbles and dust moats dogfight among the leaves.
      Paradise,
                   with a breeze.
Catching zees while the sounds of traffic and children,
water gun arsenals at the ready,
**** up and down the street;
the sing song sounds of birds as the flit to meet
on the cables and branches high above.
      Paradise,
                  the only way to ease
into the languid living
of a hot weekend.

I can't sleep.
The voices in my head overwhelm me.
The images in my mind are something no person should see.

I can't sleep.
The wrongs I've done come back to haunt me.
I'm never right and I never will be.

I can't sleep in my own bed.
The loneliness fills my severely empty head.
The thoughts that lurk within me scream "You're better off dead."

I can't sleep.

My love, I still wish I could pull you close,
my hand along the curve of your spine,
and kiss your cheek, feel
you blush underneath my lips
and run my fingers through your hair,
all the while remaining open to you
--if you were to whisper to me a suggestion
that we might run away together
and leave everything else behind,
and our hearts would race because
we just might do it.
But love,
as I pine away after you,
I wonder if I'm more than this infant
who can plot and scheme to conquer your heart
but who at the end would relinquish all pride
to kick and scream.
I don't want
what we had,
each of us with our agendas
so in the shape of each other
that I'm sure it's been ages since I've seen
into your eyes and since you've seen
into mine.
My love, all I want is to find the courage to love again,
and so I pray that some bravery exists within
the heart of this goodbye, in which I wish you the same.

i just want to
know what it's like
to not feel alone
when i go to
sleep.

you make me want to listen
to all those silly love songs
that I learned to love
and each song reminds me of
a different person's name
...
well
they used to
now they're all yours
and so am i.

you hold her
and not me anymore

you see her back arched
and not mine

you feel her skin against yours
and forget what I feel like

but its okay
its not like I loved you
because I didnt

I just thought that maybe
in this world

you could be the one to trust
out of every other human there is