Is the deck rigged?

Isn’t the planet’s wealth
Controlled by just a handful of...men?

Isn’t the daily race
To grab a tiny part of this wealth
The only race on offer?

Isn't running the race
Exhausting the runners?

Not racing, means losing,
Badly

If only I could grow my own food
Then I could live

If only I could cultivate my own land
Then I could live

But then would I not
Build my own walls
To protect what I had grown

Or would I be willing to share
What I had created

Is the deck rigged?
Or do we rig the deck?

This extra blanket
Lays heavy on my body
Keeping me held down
Not wanting to get up

This extra blanket
Clouds my thinking
Telling me that the brightest of days
Are not worth living

This extra blanket
Is sometimes so weighty
That I carry it on my back
For hours before casting it off

This extra blanket
Cannot be seen by anyone else
Except
Myself

This extra blanket
Is woven each night
By the machinery of my mind
Taking me by surprise every morning

This extra blanket
Is not my friend
But until I understand its origin
I will have to bear its burden

Being who we are
Regardless of what we are
Dancing
Playing
Unaware of anything but ourselves

Hair scraped into shapes by elders
Shoelaces half tied
Faces stained with tears and sweat
Resisting the mould
Until the mould
Creates…us

Society
Built
Fixed
Strong
Surrounds us

We are stones
Thrown repeatedly at walls
Shaped by them
Wishing one day to break through

I am gripping the sand with my toes
Experiencing the cold wind on my skin
Watching the grey undulations of the swell
As I leave my clothes behind

I am at the water’s edge
Striding boldly through the water
Diving under the surface
Kicking my legs hard

Gasping as the water hits me
Pushing forwards into the deep
Breathing hard to survive
Thinking of nothing but the moment

I am out of my depth
Going deeper
My skin burning with the cold
Fully awake
No more confusion
One with this experience

Your face is melted
I try and read the signs
But everything has gone...strange

I am feeling hot
Tired, suddenly
A visitor in a foreign place
Only able to understand
Half of what is being said

I am smiling
Attempting to hide my weakness
Hoping that I can get through
Without being noticed

I want to be alone
But the lights have come
Strobing across my eyes
Tearing my perspective
Like paper

I get home
Walking older than my years
And fall to bed
Worrying
Until the safety of sleep
Takes me elsewhere

What does success look like?
What does victory in life
Look like?

My mind flits
From moment to moment
And I wonder
Am I ok?
Am I prepared to face the day?
Have I done enough?
Am I doing enough?
What is … enough?

Have I achieved success?
Who decides what success is?
Why do I even think in these terms?

I am the only one
Who can guide this particular ship
I alone stand at the dials and levers
Of my own life

And yet
I suspect
That beneath my conscious mind
There are dials and levers
Whirring and buzzing
Of which I am not aware
Pushing me in directions
I cannot explain

Is this a good thing?
Is it bad?

At the end of this trip
Where will I be?
What will I know?
What will I feel?
Is there some kind of legacy?

It is become October
In the year of 2020
And bad news is on the rise
Once more

But I am still here
Thinking of all these things
And sharing my thoughts
With you

I am not in control
I am in control
I am not in control
I am in control
I am not in control
I am in control
I am not…
I am…

Free?
Freed?
Free?

Feed
Food

Love
Loved
Love
Loving

Livin­g
Loathe
Living
Loathed
Loath
Lost

Control
Un control
Uncontrollable
Un comfortable
Controlled by
Controlling
Cons
Conned
Consequence
Conniving
Troll
Trolled
Tr­olls
Con Troll

I
Am
Not
In
Control
I
Am
In
Control
I
Am
All
Of
It

Open your heart
You never know
What you will find there

Beyond existence
In this form
Lies
Unending space
Time
Compassionate energy
Eternity

Beyond time
Beyond space
Lies
What is not known

Beyond knowledge
Beneath what is not known
Lies wisdom
Truth
Soul
Spirit

Beyond matter
Lies essence
Essence
And energy
Which animates
All matter

Momentarily
We are together
In this form
In this state

Let us remember
What lies beyond

Thank you for the tea
And the three cigarettes
Thank you for listening
Whilst I decompress
Thank you for the smile
When I was feeling low
Thank you for the time you gave
It made me feel ok

On this day
The sun
Drifts across
Our planet’s equator

Day that exceeded night,
Balances
For a single day
Only to fall to deficit
As night’s lengthen
And the darkness
Takes hold

We drift
From the light
Into the dark
And we must prepare
To survive
Journeying inwards
As we face
Winter

And it will
Be a time
Where new treasures
Of the heart
Will be created
And held
Sparkling in the gloom
Illuminating the world
Until we emerge
In the spring
Wiser, stronger
Ready for new growth

A new time is coming
Say goodbye to the old
For the earth has been turning
New tales must be told

Our hunger for profit
Will no longer do
It's time for compassion
To carry us through
The clock has been ticking
In front of our face
The bell is tolling
The end of our race

A new time is coming
Say goodbye to the old
For the earth has been turning
New tales must be told

Our careless contempt
Of our life giving soil
Replaced by a yearning
For acquisition of oil
Our plunder of wildlife
And fish of the sea
Has created the dead zones
Where life cannot be

A new time is coming
Say goodbye to the old
For the earth has been turning
New tales must be told

We have all the science
We ever could need
We've seen the great suffering
Of millions in need
But wheels keep a-turning
To satisfy the greed
Of a tiny proportion
They call the elite

A new time is coming
Say goodbye to the old
For the earth has been turning
New tales must be told

If I could shout ‘stop’
And bring things to a halt
To take stock of the world
And show all we’ve wrought
Would it open our eyes
To the need for the change
Has Covid not shown us
What must be arranged?

A new time is coming
Say goodbye to the old
For the earth has been turning
New tales must be told

Without this tree
I could not see the daily patterns of sunrise
Reaching through the canopy
Without this tree
I could not hear the interplay
Of the late summer breeze and the yet green leaves
Without this tree
I would not learn how to stand strong
When the fiercest gales are raging
Without this tree
I would not understand
The necessity for endurance if the bitter cold of winter
Seemed interminable
Without this tree
I could not wonder at
The dignity and beauty of a hundred years of patient growth
Without this tree
I would not hear the melodious calls
Of a thousand different birds
Without this tree
I would have nowhere to tie
The far end of my washing line
Without this tree
Life would not be
As I know it to be

I saw the sun
Shimmering on the water
Cormorants drying their wings
On the sand bank
Tiny grey fish
Darting in the shallows

A flock of geese journeying
Across the deep blue sky
One wood pigeon
Grooming another

And I thought
That I was lucky to be there
When all of these things
Happened

I have a feeling
That this coming winter
Will be like nothing
I have ever experienced

There are dark clouds on the horizon
And the ‘captains’ of our national ship
Seem not to have
Their passenger’s best interests at heart

So, what is there to be done?
Other than to face the storm
And accept that it will come
And batter we humans
With its ferocious winds

And then
One day
When we think we can take no more
It will be over
And the waters will be still and calm again
And we will have to re-build

But the storm clouds I see
Are thick and heavy
And it may well be years
Before we experience life
As it once was

What would our relationship feel like
If we were to start it from today?

What would a new religion be like
If we were to invent it today?

What would society look like
If we were to build it from today?

How would we treat the planet
If we were given it today?

Tick Tock
Tick Tock
Day Night
Day Night

Awake Asleep
Breathing in
Asleep Awake
Breathing out

In love In pain
In work At rest
Alone Together
In pain In love

Coming Going
Open Closed

Walking Sleeping
Sleep Walking

Tock Tick
Spin Spin
Around the sun
We spin and spin

Up Down
Down Up
We start again
We start again

To the manufacturers of plastic
You can stop now
To the fossil fuel companies
You can stop now
To the weapons manufacturers
You can stop now
To the tax avoiding corporates
You can stop now
To the battery farmers and animal testers
You can stop now
To the human rights abusers
You can stop now
To the rainforest loggers
You can stop now
To the lovers of war
You can stop now

There is no longer
Any excuse
Or rational explanation
For you to continue
Any more

When you arrived
I vowed never to leave you
When you stumbled
I was there to hold you
As you grew
I was there to catch you
When you ran
I was there to follow you

When my heart was breaking
You were growing older
I thought at that age
You'd be strong enough
For the change

When I left
I thought it would be ok for you

But I was wrong
I was wrong

Though I lived but five minutes away
For you it was a million miles

Although I saw you every day
The nights were hardest

When I came back
You were angry
And couldn’t forgive me
For the past

And I know
In breaking my vow
I was wrong

One day I hope
I can talk of the hurt we all went through
And help your injured heart
To heal

But for now
I am sorry
And will work
To earn your trust
And hold you
With my life
Once more

On this day
19 years ago
The world changed

19 years have passed
Measures of time
Slipping through the eternal hour glass
Quietly distancing our lives
From that day

But still I can remember it
As if it were yesterday
The first tower
Smoking like a chimney
The second plane
Colliding

The shock
The utter shock
Of it

The collapse
The dust
The people
The firefighters

19 years have passed
But my heart still aches
For the fallen and their families

If I were
To touch this silver track
I would be transported to London

If I were to hold your branch
I would travel down through your roots
Deep into the earth

If I were to brush your wing
I would fly through every pathway
You have ever made in the sky

If I were to hold your hand
I would know everything
There is to know about you

If I were to believe in you
Then everything you ever dreamed of
Would come true

It is to be expected
That one should feel low,
Tired or fragile
When a commitment is made
To a new way of living

The old way
Was familiar
Usual
Known
Limited

But this new way
Is tiring
Challenging
Revealing
But ultimately
More fulfilling

International Law
Is not negotiable
Not interpretable
Not to be tampered with
Or sneaked around

Not to be discarded
Not to be ignored
It is there to uphold
The value and integrity
Of human beings

A door is a gateway
To a new possibility
Some doors
Have many locks, chains and bolts
Designed to keep all but a few
Outside

Some doors are simple, unlockable
Easily opened
As long as you can reach the handle

Some doors are left ajar
And others
Are flung wide open

The human heart is like a door
Sometimes open
Sometimes firmly shut

A heart that is open
Allows others to enter
A heart that is locked
Will in time become
Desolate and isolated

From this moment I entrust everything
To the great mystic laws of the universe
This is the only way for things
To unfold in the best way

All of my controlling ways
Bring nothing but stress into my life
So, I am letting go
Determined to experience life
In a new way

To experience
True satisfaction
I will have to work
And work

And only after years
Of persistence
And determination
Will I be able
To feel
Truly satisfied
With what I have created

Children dance on the station platform
So happy to be together
They are going back to school, at last

It’s falling apart
Because it couldn’t hold together any longer

Lies leak in time
And castles built on dishonesty
Will succumb to the tides
Of truth and justice

These times
Of exploitation
Will pass

And their perpetrators
Will be remembered
Not for the power they once wielded
But for their shame

This empty page
Does not mean
An empty heart
Or an empty life

It just means
That on this day
At this time
I cannot find a way
To put my emotions
Into words

And so
I will see the empty page
As an empty space
Waiting to become filled
With fresh creativity

And I will not mind waiting
Because as I do
I can carry on
Living my life
Just as it is

I have been grappling
With a serious problem

Unable to decide
Which way to go
Or what to do

I have been torn

Should I
Shouldn’t I

And everyone I ask
Looks back to me
For the answer
For ultimately
It is I
Who has to decide

And eventually
Having travelled down
Many paths
And explored all options
I have chosen my route

I put myself to work
Hard
Undistracted
Focussing all my energy
Until
After the hours
I look up
And I look down
And find  I can’t see properly

My vision is blurring
And I am in the company
Of a migraine

It is time to stop
Close my eyes
In a quiet dark place
Until my brain
Has finished its process

Until the stress
Has worked its way through my brain
And drifted beyond my body
Into the ether

And I can
Gather my thoughts
And return
To a calmer
Quieter
More sustainable
Rhythm

Close your eyes
Remember yourself
Ten or fifteen years back

You were different then
Life was different
Does it feel connected
To now?
Do you feel connected to then?

We can live
Many lifetimes
In the space of just one
If we put our minds to it

We can weave
A rich patchwork
Of experiences and learning
Expressing
Who we are
If we dare to challenge
Our circumstances

Thank you for this day
For the air that we breathed
For the conversations we have had
For the hug that we shared

Thank you for this day
For the purring of my cats
For the blowing of the wind
For the wildness of the sea

Thank you for this day
For the beating of our hearts
For the smiles that we shared
And the love that we felt

Thank you for this day
For the work that was done
For the food that was cooked
And the wine that was shared

Thank you for this day
For the night is pressing in
And the stars start to shimmer
And we settle down to sleep

140 strokes
To reach the far side
140 strokes to return
Beneath me
Deep water
Above me
Blue sky
Seagulls, clouds


This is swimming
At ‘The ray’
Natural low tide lagoon

I start this day
By swimming right across
And swimming back again
Mindful
That the tide is rising
Imperceptibly

I will not relax
Until I reach
My starting point
Safe
Secure
Back on the sand
Heading home
Because I am out of the safety zone
In the great ocean
Communing with an entity
That possesses great fathoms
Of power

I feel alive
Excited
To make my return
To claim my reward
The first coffee of the day
And hot buttered toast

Such simple experiences
Have profound meaning
To me

One - tries
To outshine
The other

How does what I have done
Make you feel?
Make me feel?

Let me show you
My latest video
And tell you about my great battles
And marvellous achievements

Why must you tell me?
Does this make you great?
Greater than me
More valuable, more worthy
Of our parents love?

Are you trying to show me
A successful way to live?
Is THIS  how to do it?

We emerged from the same womb
But our journeys in this world
Have taken us to different places
In different ways

What is more important?
Our shared heritage
Or our divergent paths?

For the sake of peace
Let us share love with humility
Express kindness and consideration
Not pride and competition

If you are happy
And you know it
Clap your hands

If you are unhappy
And you know it
Why not clap your hands anyway
And decide to become happy

I’ve got time on my (back) side
Two hours a day
On the train up to London
And back later today

I’ll ponder my navel
And think on my fate
It’s more than two hours
If the train’s running late

I’d forgotten this feeling
Of to-ing and fro-ing
Ive been living at home
Not having to go in

But now I’m come back
I’m not sure what’s the best
To keep up this travelling
Or give it a rest

I’m back on my backside
Watching stations go by
Catching sight of the pigeons
As they fly way up high

London's graffiti looks tired
And the city’s smells bad
I'm better on the beach
By the sea, I'd be glad

But, it has to be done
I'm back on my way
And back on my backside
At least for today

I’m back on the trains
7.25am, Prittlewell to London
A journey last taken
5 months ago

I talk to the ticket lady
I converse with a passenger
Confirming my sense
That this is
A most strange time

Just three souls wait on the platform
And my carriage is empty
Another reminder
Of the great disturbance
Of this pandemic

I have my mask
Under my chin
It stifles me to wear it
But I will cover my face
If others sit near me

What will London be like
I wonder?
Will this great historic capital
Lie in deep slumber?

The trees of Essex
Are untroubled
Leaning into each other
Bearing the lush greenery of summer
They have endured for decades and centuries
Without complaint

I sit observant
Nervously journeying forward
Uncertain of my future
Facing it all the same
As I peer into the unknown

The holidays
Are over
And I must
Go back to work

I’ve had the time
To question
Everything
But
I haven’t really
Got any fresh answers to
Why we must work
To make ‘money’
To pay bills
To keep things...
...going

So
I will go back to work
And make the most of it

And put my Peter Pan thoughts
To bed once again

Until my next holiday
When I will sit in a field
Watching the campfire burn
Setting my eyes on the horizon
And watching for shooting stars

Let go
Let go of the grip
Let go of the hold
Let go of the future
And live

Live
Now
In this moment
Wholly
Fully
Naturally

Tomorrow
Never comes

And yesterday
Only lasts one day

But now
IS
Forever

If I had a fraction
Of the ease
With which
You embrace life
I would be
A million times happier

But my nature
Is different to yours
My journey
Apposite

I can learn from you
Observing
Your embodied qualities
Pondering
Their meanings

Young woman
Your heart is growing
From that of a girl
Protected by a bubble  
Of family, play and beauty

To that of a woman
Faced with the brutal realities
Of society and all its misogyny
And it is no wonder
That you suffer
With anxiety and depression

I wish that the world
Was a better place
For you
And all young women

I’m entering
Another dimension

The transition
Will be painful

But I will adapt
And adjust

Finding joy
Wherever I go

For the pain
Of staying put

Outweighs
All discomforts

As I travel
To a new, more beautiful place

To have it
Means you can do it

To lose it
Means you might trip up

To develop it
Means you get better at things

To teach it
Builds your own

I'm afraid
That I'm shaken up
And can't see things clearly

I don’t feel myself
And my body’s out of whack

I feel like a child
Who got lost in the woods

Tripped up on the brambles
And bumped his anxious head
Uncertain where he is
Or where he should be going

I desire to be
Cradled in your love
Held and embraced
By the softness of you

Sing me your lullabies
To evaporate the clouds
Of my mind

Breathe in
Breathe out
Breathe in
Breathe out

Tomorrow awaits
And I am grateful for that

Tomorrow always awaits
With the gift
Of another chance

Tomorrow
Awaits

How I relate to you
Equates to war or peace

How I relate to myself
Equates to illness or well being

How I relate to the earth
Equates to pollution or a healthy environment

Mr Duke
Your music
Makes me
Feel…
…cool
Relaxed
Happy

Young

Mr Duke
You play
With a smile
And your joy
Is felt
By those
In your band

Mr Duke
I get
Where
You’re coming from

A place
Of love

It’s all right
To cry

It’s all right
To laugh

It’s all right
To play

It’s all right
To love

It’s all right
To dream

It’s all right
To work

It’s all right
To give

It’s all right
To live

Summer is here
I recognise it in my bones
And in memories
Of muscles
Which have carried me
Through forty eight summers past

Summer is here
And I feel the length of the hours
The lazy feeling of sand, sea and warmth
The quiet longing
For things to stay the same forever
Almost suppressing the urge for new challenges,
Difference and growth

Summer is here
And the flowers shine
Brighter than ever
And bees **** nectar lustily
As birds chat noisily, talking more
Or perhaps our skies have just grown quieter

Summer is here
And it pulls us all along
Like dreamers
Dozing
Atop a floating barge

Each time I think of global stuff
It puts me in a swirl
I arrive back where I started from
Round and round the carousel

I don’t know what is real or not
I’m in a kind of daze
Who knows what the future holds
Or how to navigate this maze

What lies beyond the familiar
Is a future yet described
I need to find my courage
For a brighter picture in my mind

So if I’ve put things off too long
And laid out in the sun
It’s because I just can’t tell you straight
Precisely what should now be done

In a year or two we will reflect
On these years of human struggle
And wonder how we made it through
This man created muddle

I guess it’s all a part of life’s
Great journey that were on
We’d better make the best of things
For soon we’ll all be gone

I see
Children lean
Into those
They love

I observe
Grown bodies turn
To those
In their care

Protective energy
Surrounds the young
Embracing them
Nurturing them

And in that security
Young lives
Grow
And flourish