coffee beans
ground into
making me feel like me

wet grass as summer retires to fall
i feel the falling temperature
anchoring me

all this time
and all i got

it’s all i am
not what you thought
but what you bought
not what you sought
distraught.

i was meant to be something else entirely
but i forgot.

the rogue would often glow in effervescent separate hues of gold worn only as a mask. unknown even to those of his own home. holding tight to hide moments and nights long ago, evident in his possession of a nostalgic playlist entitled “emo.”

breath expelled
cake sales excelling
on this day
and an old flame ignited
shock and awe in the faces
of patrons, warranted excitement
is stained by stagnant relationships
in places spaced by millions of paces
miles and miles away

boxer briefs



not boxers
not briefs
barely reached
the space for *****
call of duty
winnie pooh
oversized stained gray tee
shirt from an old team
maybe even summer league
half pint
ice cream
ben
and
jerry
and an entire bottle of irish whiskey

sold all of my ****
at least in my head i did.
i want nothing to do with it
cause all of it feels like you

i’ll play make believe
at a pawn shop on university
i feel like the slate is clean
and now i don’t know what to do

a foreign feeling
a stranger lurking
myself in my own skin
my own evil smirking

glass on glass
shattered saturdays
past of gladly laying
on the couch, watching football

i felt my legs cemented
in denim, drenched in sweat
vaulting fences in defense
of getting sentenced.

privileged to lay against a bed
when all is said and done
we lay with white linen
reminiscing on the battles won
while darker skinneded children
live in fear for things they haven’t done
privilege.

you take your coffee sweet
vanilla latte with stevia
you treat me like concrete
as i dream of you biting my sheets

beyond the safe i thought i made
i found a place to ******* die

the sussuration of life outside my window let's me know i'm still alive. 'took the dive', it's been described less eloquently from time to time. the murmur of the wind in conversation that never ends with the whisper from the trees 'til mr. winter eats their leaves. but i survived, i mean just look at me. alive and took a drive, packed the car five stories high with all the people, places, things and love i would've left behind. from now on, i decide.

i never dared to call when you're asleep
another knife next to the card inside your sleeve
your laugh like cyanide everytime i tried to make you see
the darker half that conceivably convinced my wrists to bleed

i sneezed and my eyes watered
and it felt good because it was the closest i could get to crying despite the demons hiding and flying and the dark clouds colliding
thunderstorms with no chance of precipitation
i want to cry but can’t for the life of me
the faster i run the thinner the air becomes
it’s so hard to breathe and everyday i feel less like myself, a shell and everything i hate is the pearl inside being pressed and designed with hopes that one day it’ll be worth something
i’m jealous of the night sky because even in its darkness, even behind its clouds there’s still stars that shine

suspended in a deepening cold
incessant, never ending
seeping into my bones
you begged me to let you love me
but it's safer to freeze alone

i don’t know what i want
but i think i know what i don’t
slowly lowered six feet deep
without a soul to see it

fist to cheek with a bouncer, dodging tabs
or stuck to a cedar stool
eye level with a rocks glass

dimly lit circle of chairs with strangers
sharing stories of some substance
and it’s dangers

christmas  with no gifts
and explaining to my son
why mom and i are taking shifts

these deepest fears feel like reality
and i know my life will lead me
to being slowly lowered six feet deep
without a soul to see it

it's always been her fear
of inadequacy that distracts her
she can't get passed the anxiety
to pursue her passion
she would rather stand asleep
she's that last to see
that she might be exactly
what this planet needs

fragrant flavors of autumn
fallen leaves the flotsam
of summer. spelunking
and plunging into the aesthetic

beneath the golden iris
blue glare shared between
waves of a luscious green
more stars than i've ever seen
the beauty i can see
everytime you turn to me