hello,
this is a letter
i write alone

i’ve been daydreaming of you
a dark cup of feeling enthused
your soft lips on mine making me
awake at night when i should be
sleeping, maybe it’s meant for us
maybe i just don’t get it
maybe i’m still alone

i feel like it becomes overwhelming
so many of my poems feel hateful
and i hate it

i want to write happy light stuff
about summer days and flowers
and feeling breezes
and skirts blowing
in that breeze

it’s only when a stranger starts picking
pulling bark and sap starts running
desperately retreating to the warm comfort
of the mud around those buried roots

it’s only when you let down defenses
the brick let’s way to picket fences
and discomfort displaces the sun
of a summer day

am i a clam laboring away at a precious pearl,
or just a broken boy turning my back on the world?

the wick burnt out with no more wax to melt
i watch the picture frame go dark and quiet
no more memories and the fire that i felt
was as cold as the asphalt on which i slept

i don’t know what i want
but i think i know what i don’t
slowly lowered six feet deep
without a soul to see it

fist to cheek with a bouncer, dodging tabs
or stuck to a cedar stool
eye level with a rocks glass

dimly lit circle of chairs with strangers
sharing stories of some substance
and it’s dangers

christmas  with no gifts
and explaining to my son
why mom and i are taking shifts

these deepest fears feel like reality
and i know my life will lead me
to being slowly lowered six feet deep
without a soul to see it

as i define the muscle
and chisel the truths from stone
the sediment leaves chalk words
on my heart that imply my ill intent
gritting my teeth i repent
that true beauty lies within
because if i can’t change what i hate
then how can i deserve to live?

broken knuckles
holes in walls
blistered palms
battered soul
no answers for a man in pain
no silver lining to clouds of hate
everybody i love hates me too, dude

i am the gravel
grabbing skateboard wheels
and skinning knees

eager fingertips slipping
between the space where your hips
create a crevices against your jeans
and eventually finding those lips
oh, how your body crests on my eclipse
and finding pleasure like a photograph
sudden and immense and wet
i want to make you feel yourself again

it’s beautiful
and tragic
destruction inside creation
the start of something wonderful
it is what i am supposed to become
its less uncomfortable than you believe

i felt the earth shake beneath me
a mass immobilization of emotions
masquerade music plucking at the strings
of my stone harp heart
i feel awake and liberated
you will never again play me
the way you did before

the impairment without the drunk
unconscious and subconscious all at once
a fleeting in-between of clarity
and feeling floated in a fog
in this space i meet the things left incomplete
and all their less familiar friends
like marbles underneath my feet

no heart and all thumbs
i’m tired of feeling dumb
scarred wrists and empty cup
i’m tired of feeling numb

a new sun’s lamenting golden rays
lay waste to cemented golden days
a fresh perspective levels everything
like laser beams careening  through yesterday
i realize now this is not
who i was meant to be

i’m allowed to feel things too
said the turtle from his shell

the cold has become
less like needles in my skin
more like fuzzy ear muffs
i haven’t forgotten
i stopped nodding off
during the lessons
i’ve gotten more attentive
to my own intentions
and things that draw my attention
not to mention, i maintained the heart
in my possession

i sat upstairs in a lava lamp
hoping to feel the ground under my feet
fluid flooring is all my soles meet
and i do not think i feel anything

i’ve become the gray i hated
from the day i saw it paved
i’m making room for the demons
satiated in their eyes by this hatred

despondent and vacant
a spacious brain is a playground
for vagrants and the displaced fragments
of society, i feel them eyeing me.

make me whole again
make me full of love
i am solely responsible for
my own happiness
i know this now and
i will not let me down

maybe i can do this
maybe this is a good fit
maybe i can glue a few
of these shards of broken mirror
together to make something new
reflecting.
good morning to you, too.

tired of sending texts
the sentiments resemble
sorry i meant to hit you back
i guess i must have got distracted
lost track of hours
and days
and months
and lost the thought of what you last said
meds or death or coping strats
whatever just to get me back

i’m still stuck in a bad place
but sunlight crests across the skyline
in my mind
tendrils of hope stretch across my sky
the day presented itself in a new way
i think i’ll be okay

“i never meant to hurt you”
her words like a lit cigarette on my wrist
smiling into this crochet mask i knit

“it’s been far too long
since your knuckles bled”
she said with her actions instead

i will ice these bones
while you feel at home

even darkness is asleep beyond my window
everyone but me, **** of the joke
i felt warmth once
and maybe this will feel like that
every word in every poem
inside my mind is growing, swollen
my knuckles glowing white in anticipation
of the credits rolling

the frames sit uneven
on my face
on the wall
on the memories
fist fighting to feel nothing
everything is wrong
from every angle

a steely-eyed stranger stole
the steamy headed anger
how can i be mad at frozen web browsers
when my minds full of aroused encounters

i tried to distinguish
all my awful feelings
from how i really felt

i tried to extinguish
the fire i spread
from the one i lit myself

ripping scar tissue
the scabs on my lips
are these just the cards i’m dealt?

am i the dealer?
do i need a healer?
or more concealer?
a realist with a fake smile
i’ve been in this dentist’s chair for a while

i wanna die
straight up
earth undisturbed by me
paradise perhaps
i’ve search and can’t find
a solution more free
less expensive and freeing
thought the feeling was fleeting
but it’s diggin deep and planting seeds
it’s got feet
to stand on
unlike me
on my knees
the perfect ratio
of one death to one ****
don’t worry
i don’t think i really will

daybreaks
as the fluids fade
i feel alone again

im sick of slamming
face first in drywall
crimson liquid dripping
now, my nose is a waterfall
those words ricochet without fail
when all you have is a hammer
everything looks like a nail.

too sober to feel
too drunk to feel
no in-between

bleeding out over a broken mirror
dissected reflection, here’s my deepest fear.

bathed in hatred
unscathed by your love
i am scratching scabs just like pavement
content to stay inside my asylum

rainbow motion tongue
painting the sky of my lips
on the ground exists a pessimist
his name crossed from invitation lists
three decades spent amidst
his failures, never more content
each sad, wool cob web meant
success for someone devil-sent.

the rogue would often glow in effervescent separate hues of gold worn only as a mask. unknown even to those of his own home. holding tight to hide moments and nights long ago, evident in his possession of a nostalgic playlist entitled “emo.”

**** these hands
that demand a hand to hold and
this heart that folds for nothing more
than something slightly more than cold

coffee beans
ground into
making me feel like me

wet grass as summer retires to fall
i feel the falling temperature
anchoring me

there’s a street in arizona
that feels like candy cigarettes
and skate park days drenched in sweat
we always said
that’s where the **’s go
a chihuahua named jojo
a bozo that forgot to remember
all the moments that made me
me.

breath expelled
cake sales excelling
on this day
and an old flame ignited
shock and awe in the faces
of patrons, warranted excitement
is stained by stagnant relationships
in places spaced by millions of paces
miles and miles away