They tell us to live our lives
but they give us so little time to do just that
placed under the constant constraint of rules and laws
how is that living?
living is to be free
but there is no time for that.
living is to be alive in all ways
but they give us no time for that.
when life stops my ticking clock,
will i be satisfied?
satisfied with every tick mark,
every minute on that clock,
because in those minute marks
are countless nights of fun, laughter, and heartbreak,
in those minutes,
I lived.
but will the minutes i spent doing what i was told to do,
or even made to do take over?
will they outweigh the times i was truly free?
will any of it matter?
if only i could stop my ticking clock to go back and count,
count and get an overall calculation.
but i keep living.
never stopping until my clock stops.
no time to go back.

when you look into my eyes,
do you see her?
do you see the girl you fell in love with?
Or do you see a broken silhouette where she once was?
you could have made her stay you know.
you could have made her feel alive and wanted.
you could have made her love every inch of herself,
every fiber of her being you claimed to love in the beginning.
what changed that for you?
was it when you found out she was different?
found out she had scars deeper than the grand canyons valleys.
found out she was used merchandise.
found out, that no matter how hard you tried you couldnt erase the memories.
skin inked with distrust and abuse.
no empty canvas was left for your saving fingerprints.
no room to spill kindness and love,
no room for change.
so you, just like everyone else shes ever known,
left her.
you packed your bags and got out while you could.
if you only knew the envy she felt towards you.
You see, you could pick up everything and leave.
while her baggage comes with a lifetime guarantee,
weighed down by skeletons in her closet.
she can not escape.
You left her.
broken, vulnerable, and dying.
So when you looked at her you saw it didn't you?
saw what makes everyone leave eventually...
*you saw her

Hard cold sweat beads dribble down the frame of my face
My mind in a frantic race against time.
Will I make it?
Will it be too late?
My body rounds the corner at full force,
smashing into nurses,
the contents of their trays now sprawled throughout the hallway.
No time to stop.
I must keep moving.
I make my way to the elevator,
too crowded, I head for the stairs.
Never stopping,
faster! faster!
Fifth floor.
sixth.
seventh.
eighth.
As I reach the ninth floor, I begin to sprint.
Not stopping.
All heads turn in my direction.
I am almost there.
Room 201.
202.
203.
As the spray painted silver numbers 204 flash in front of my face,
I bound through the door.
I am instantly numb.
The sight of you in a hospital bed,nearly lifeless, pale, and fragile, brings me to my knees.
Just a couples weeks earlier you were so full of energy, so.. happy.
As I walk closer to your bedside,
the full image comes into focus.
Laying there so still, so quiet, any slight change of breath would be noticed.
You have no hair.
A place where once my fingers loved to graze,
a place filled with endless complements,
Hair so blonde it would make the sun jealous.
I weep at your bedside.
Memories streaming down my cheeks,
drowned in the salt water flowing from my eyes.
I take your hand.
So cold, but yet so normal.
The one thing untouched by the cancer.
Your long fingernails, perfectly painted just the way you like it.
I gently kiss your hand.
You dont move, or even open your eyes.
But sure enough you smiled.
Not your big cheesy grin you always do,
but a smile so small, only few would notice.
A smile just for me.
And with that smile,
I whispered "I love you."
And you, the love of my life, so young, and so beautiful,
took your last breath.
With your last breath came a small draft of air.
And in that moment,
I swear I heard your voice carried through the room,
The soft tone of your voice whispered back;
*" I love you too."

Death the monster of the night
When it comes for me
I will be ready.
Letters I have sent
begging to be taken away,
have gone unanswered.
My scars
my "postage fees" are useless.
Death does not seem to listen.
I cry out for death to take me away
crying so loud even my enemies notice before he does.
I starve myself
Never eating,
but feeding off of the fantasy that I will encounter death soon,
and perfect my imperfections at the same time.
Death,
a bag of bones I lay before you.
End this pain.
take it all.
When you come death,
*I will be ready

You say actions speak louder than words
so why can you not hear my body screaming?
screaming for attention that you might turn your head.
notice me!
my wounds bleed,
drops staining the floor and you still refuse to see,
your little girl is dying, she needs you.
pounding on your door, open up!
notice me!
pounding results in pulsing headaches,
pulsing headaches result in pain.
pain is happiness, but only when self inflicted.
I cant play this game with myself any longer,
I call out for you,
notice me!
time is running out,
my mind paces I feel it might never stop.
Voices growing fainter with every slice of this metal demon.
Soft breezes whisper,
nooooticccee meeeee
the breeze stops,
I can no longer hear the cries from with in the depths of my soul...
**you noticed me

I lie on the floor
paralyzed in utter disgust
my mouth moving silently
for the words aching to come out
you know.
your mind intertwines with my own
your ears traveling through my brainwaves
listening
always listening
for what i think
you know.
You know dislike cannot compare to what i feel for you.
For what you did to me.
what you took from me.
convinced me to give you my childhood.
sealed the deal with a kiss.
the kiss of judas.
why sound like a broken record
repeating your violations against me
only to let you relive them.
why do i bother.
for what i think of you,
what you did,
you know.

the first step (to
   one two three life)
        is this place
     looking back at the red cliffs
and remembering our jump
             so many months ago (it
                feels like a second and
                         then twenty years)

       in its footsteps (dreams win
            all the races), we find I'll
          carry you will carry
                   me and leave now
               from the rearview, roaming
                       to wonder when
                    nothing can
                            find the way
                  your laughter conjures
                       my smile
                       
                                (rally around
                                       shared heart)

glitter in the light we'll
            give birth to pouring
       warm wax
                      
                        fire inside
                  eyes ringing like
             xylophone bars while
                              we remember where
                     these times find us (and  
                          why the only nightmare is
                                   waking up)

there is no breath when
you join my world, only
snug bundles of air ******
in
   between smiles

one of these days, I'm
living here
             listen (for me) like
people once read and
found reasons to grow
another few inches

(and to know) you
are the (fire's silver)
heartbeat!

/

nobody is masterful
to the undoubtable "I
have a word for this", no
suggestion 
          someone should try

/

there is no breath, (no
pause) when you join my
world
              only a warped sense
of direction, a shift in gravity
joining, warming faces

do you feel me?
filled with verses, lost in words?

/

will we go together?

dream how the
days flame when you
join my world (and
    when you
            remember it)

Put trees in the back-
ground, shade built from
green and mahogany, lovely
little flowers with yellow heads
marching to the beat of your
eyelashes, skipping like stones
across memories

and in the foreground let there
be only you, only you
as you are

A challenge for
most people, looking
into the eyes of another
for ten whole minutes

but there is so much
I can see within your
colors, your soft
airy connection as if an
examination of my
soul deemed it a perfect
fit for your own
and our trial
run of five counts to
sixty was through
in a blink

Thunder hearts, rainstorm
breath, lightning smiles

Who are you waiting for
out on that branch of yours?
                waiting to take the first step on the
                        whispered way home
please be patient, you've
   painted your soul into my heart and
                     I'm letting you deeper
         chiseling candlelight, feeling time
             swirl around me, getting
     so beautifully lost in one day, one
                             day after another

just breathe
      and don't look away for a second

I am self-sufficient

an island with drawbridges leading
every which way, blue
water instead of fences, green stickers
in place of war, red statements turned bold
statements proclaiming one thing or
another lit perspective on the
streets

and the funny thing is
with no sky, no atmosphere
to brand by our savage mark, corrupt and burn
full of the gray the undecided man drags with
himself

it's so hard to breathe
and each day is a marathon
in the blazing sun

where such a chilled glass of
water speaks volumes and
dives leagues beneath the
icy surface of the human
condition