The day is Monday, March 16th, 2015.
We are in the Idaho State Correctional Institution.
Today, the Idaho Commissioners of Pardons and Parole will decide if my ****** will be released on parole in September.

Many people come in, exchanging their I.D for their visitors' pass.
We all wait in a small L-shaped room, tense, waiting.
His family comes in, and the guard escorts them to another room.
Finally, a parole officer enters. She leads us through a metal detector.
We have to wait in the visiting room, while my ****** is brought into the hearing room.
His family goes in first, then us, along with my supporters.
The deputy calls us to order and explains what will happen.
He says his family may speak, if they have a statement.

She stands up.
"Your relation?"
"Mother."
"Go ahead."

He has managed to get his GED.
He has had his own struggles with other inmates.
He is a "good Christian boy."
He has served his time for his "non-violent crime."
I cry.

The deputy looks doubtful.
He tells the commissioners to begin.

Commissioner Bowstaff is first.
She asks him the nature of his crime, his five DORS, his lost job while inside.
She asks if he is aware of the recommendation they received.
He says yes.
She phrases her next thought carefully:
"Are you aware the interviewer described you as aloof, uncaring, and says you describe yourself as the victim?"
He seems befuddled.

Next is Commissioner Matthew.
He is a sharp looking man, and asks if he feels like his crime is "violent."
He responds.
"No."
"And yet you call yourself Christian?"
"I am Christian."
"God should be ashamed then."
His parents are shaking their heads.

Commissioner Moore.
"You minimize everything. You aren't taking responsibilities for your actions. If you can't follow the rules in here, how do we know you'll follow them out there?"
"I don't know."

Commissioner Bowstaff asks if, as the victim, I have anything to say.
I tell her yes, and she asks me to stand and state my name.
"Lauren Busdon."
"You have a minute to speak."

I tell them I am terrified to see him.
I will start my senior year in August.
His release will continue to effect my school career.
I have only just managed to speak the word "****" in the last two months.
There are other girls, so many others, who are afraid to say anything.
But they say it to me.

They dismiss us to make their decision.
I sob as we walk out of the room.

Everyone is proud of me, saying no matter what, I did my best. I was there, that's what matters now.
But what if it wasn't enough?

The deputy comes in to shake my hand.
"The commissioners have come to an agreement. Parole will be denied for 18 months, and we will meet again in September of 2016."
I laugh and my dad slams his fist on the table. My mom dissolves into tears.
"You are welcome to hear the announcement."
I say, "hell yeah I want to hear it!"

He hangs his head when they tell him.
His mother makes a strangled noise of upset.

We leave.
People are hugging me.
I am crying.
I don't know if I should be proud, or if I should just revel in the sheer joy of not having to see him for 18 months.
18 more months of freedom.
18 more months of trying to live.

Oh won't you play a little game?
Your life will never be the same
Please roll the dice and stoke my flame
I'll scar your back, you'll howl my name.

Let's not let rules get in the way
It's such an easy game to play
and baby, once it's underway
I'll lead your pretty heart astray.

I am temptation, wicked sin,
suggestion dripping from my skin,
dark secrets writhing deep within
my name a whisper on the wind.

I've torn so many souls to shreds
while hearts decayed and tears were shed,
delight would fill me as they bled
once exiled from my harlots bed.

So heed my warning, hold it true
then cast it ever far from view.
Take your turn, then when you're through
let me be the death of you.

By Paula Lee and Sverre G. Holter

Today I grieve for a love gone,
No reason why, No goodbyes....
Now here I stand on the precipice,
Alone,
Confused,
Tears in my eyes,
Why?

I find I lay my hand on
My own heartside.
You did that once, I remember;
I slept so silently
You had to
Check.
Tears in my eyes.
I know why.

I would give all I own
To feel your love once more,
To hold in my hands, your gift,
The heart I have always adored
On bended knees,
Longing,
Begging!
Tears in my eyes,
Why?

I wish I could tell you why,
But The Question is my lover;
The Answer, my ex.
There's an absence the size and
Shape of a heart by your side.
I hear hands gone knocking on
Doors that never closed; the
Sound of love against
Love.

*You have left me, with no hope,
No heart to hold, no love to share,
You had my heart, so full and pure
Giving yours away to an ex, not there!
You pushed me over the edge
I lay broken at the bottom,
Tears in my eyes...
No More!

Play your sad guitar a while
that I may sing for thee
of words that sit within my heart
and technicolour dreams.

Play a tune of broken wings
now healed by tender hands
brought to flight by friendship strong
and moons in distant lands.

Harmonise with me this night
let music be our guide,
you see my soul in different light,
through darkness, where I hide.

Then I'll lift up my song to thee
the sweetest ever heard
and raise my voice in thanks once more
to friendship, love and words.

I carry you within my heart
on travels far and wide
I feel your love with every step
your heartbeat times my stride

You come to me on birdsong
at the dawning of my day
a whisper on melodic breeze,
from you I'll never stray

You come to me when beauty's seen
in nature's finest things
the glory of a meadow wild,
the monarchs silken wings

You come to me when battles rage,
to softly dry my tears
and hold my heart there next to yours
diminishing my fears.

Then when the sun it sets once more
the time for roaming done
I'll watch the moon in grateful thanks
For you, my sweetest one.

I wrote a poem about you
that I didn't want to keep
so I wrote it by the ocean
in the sand beneath my feet

I sat there by it silently
listening to the waves
just watching the tide come in
at the end of this pensive day

As the sea gently rolled in
and washed away the words
salty tears began to fall
as the ocean took away the hurt

I will never share with you
the words written in the sand
I'll never kiss those lips I long to
or feel the gentle caress of your hands

I remain seated here alone
the poem just a memory in my mind
a pain still lingers within my heart
a mixture of loss and longing combined

One day I'll retrace the words again
in the glorious golden sand
maybe you'll see them this time
and just maybe you'll understand

This is not just ***
but it is what it is
when I need it now
what I wouldn't give

A subtle weight
bearing down on me
able to release,
my desires to be freed

The passion builds
legs wrapped around you
I'll hold on tight
this is my fuel

Until you make it right
I won't let go
Keep the rhythm going
and that steady flow

Treat me rough
I really don't care
Just stay with me
until you take me there

Release the heat
that's deep inside
It's rising up
like an incoming tide

Before tonight
my body was numb
the passion is exploding
the moment ..
                
                  has ..

                       now  ..

                                come.

Each word
'curls'
around my heart
like smoke shaped, teasing
wispy fingers

I don't see it ..
               or feel it ..

                     but then my heart begins to tell me.

It moans
                and creaks

                             demanding that I listen.

I can't ignore it now
                            as it hurts.

I lay my hand upon my wounded chest
                               telling my heart,
                                            reminding it

   that we cannot feel this way
                                        
                    ­                          not today ..

                                                      not tomorrow.


                 My heart calms ..

                                     for now

        

                           but I know that it won't be for long.

If I closed my eyes,
drifted into a soft sleep,
would you protect me?

If I faded away into nothingness,
or foolishly left you behind
would you rapidly follow?

If it was just you and me,
just the two of us
would you be lonely?

If I carefully caressed you,
desperately needed you,
would you just take me?

If you had to leave,
disappear and never return
I beg of you to visit my dreams.

Need love to be so close
a comfort to surround me
need love by my side

Tell me you miss me
that it's me that you want
wipe away all the tears I cried

I desperately crave to feel
that there's no one else around us
and it's a world without lies

Wrap your arms around me
I'll stay there for a while
in this place I'll want to hide

Look into my eyes
so deep into my thoughts
there, you can abide

Know me and feel me
keep me so close
any storm we can ride

Always together exploring
searching and discovering
the amazing world so wide

I'll need nothing else
'til the end of my days
my sustenance you can provide

Any worries or fears
I'll share them I promise
in you I will confide

I'll look up to you
stand next to you so willing
my heart so full of pride

If we have to part
please make it brief
and return to me like the tide