I'm miscarrying. I'm losing a Child I could never have.
I expected an abortion and what I got was a second trimester.

I feel like everything beautiful I could ever say to you,
Everything that could truly add up to your worth,
You already know, and I have never even said them...
Except with my eyes. All I want is to have
And to hold.

I feel you have always known me.
Like a little piece of what I am has always been in you
And everything you are has somehow sunk into my
Conscience, my soul. When I am around you,
I feel I have a soul. Remember? An entity. It's really there.
People like you make me hope hope hope TO GOD that there is a Heaven
People like you make me pray pray PRAY to someone I don't KNOW that we, as a species, can finally transcend and become something MORE.
People like you make me BELIEVE that there is a possibility
That humans can be the epitome of goodness, and tenderness, and responsibility, and care, and equality, and pensive, and love.

I'm honest. Everything will be fine for me:
It's fine that I'll cry
It's fine that I'll feel depressed
It's fine that I'll feel unwanted
It's fine that I'll feel neglected
And rejected, and pitied, and inadequate...
Because these are all normal human emotions.

But before this happens, what about...
How long we can gaze at each other?
What about how perfect our skin feels aligned?
What about what those moments made you say?
Remember the contentment? The beauty in us
Just being there?
What about you wanting it more than I did?
What was all this? A precursor to a let-down?
A build-up and a sudden realization of the fact that we are two separate people who feel completely comfortable as a single whole and you can't handle that right now?
Because I could understand that.
And I would still be here for you.

But for the record...

I feel like if this universe were to open up right now
And time melted and disintegrated into dust
And oceans began screaming and violins exploded
And swans sang choruses with choked voices
And volcanoes erupted, and bombs fell, and echos stopped
And all the bells in the world forgot how to ring,
That my last dying wish would be to run as fast as I could
To find you. And then I would hold you.
And I would hold you as this world collapsed.
I would hold you until my hands grafted into your skin
I would hold you until we were but skeletons arm in arm
Splitting into thousands of pieces from shock waves
I would ****** your spine with my fingers until they collided
Until the world split directly in half
I would rewrite constellations to spell your name, PROUDLY
I would cry blood into your soul and you would know what I REALLY FEEL.
I would squeeze you so hard that you would HAVE to understand and tell yourself,
"These are the very last moments I will live."
And, without speaking, my lips would reply,
"SO LIVE THEM WELL."

We, the same from and of flesh and pumping blood,
our skin sweating in touch, together, the scent
was always the same,
you and I, one younger, one older,
the way it was meant to be,
in fights and tears and pup-tent shared lamp-lit fears,
we rolled our heads beneath the stars above
upon the grassy knolls, our pillows kept,
not ever knowing that one of us would be
covered beneath the soily breath,
the one of one of us, still left,
watering the fields of your footsteps,
now dressed up as dreamy memories,
the tossing heart of guilt and pleads,
for just one more day, ******! -one more
day...
I had still some things,
I wanted to say.
__
My schoolmate Tim and I both lost out brother Mikeys.
This poem is for them.

My emotion hides.
Your eyes, your smile, your laugh...
Suffocate me in,
Every single thing you are;
I will love you from afar.

She says,
"Stay here, where it's safe."
But what if I don't want to be safe?

Put me in a room filled with smoke and strangers,
And music so loud
You can't hear the mistakes you're making,
Or the sins you're saying outloud.
Feed me play-time poisons,
So all my inhibitions slip right off.
And everything I feel is unreal,
Until I don't feel anything at all.
And then
With fuzzy eyes and ringing ears,
And sweat dripping down our backs,
We'll fall in lust
And call it love,
Just for tonight.
And I'll let you take a piece of me,
With little coaxing.
If you promise to remember my name...
Or my face?
Or maybe just the way my body felt against yours,
The way your hands moved over my curves,
The way I had you gasping for air,
And The way I left you wanting more.

And you'll feel it tomorrow.
When the pound in your head
And the twist in your gut
Feels more like a hole in your heart
That's shaped like me.

Or at least,
That's what I'll tell myself.
Because for those few hours,
I was on top of the world.
And from up there,
I couldn't feel the pain of being me.

She says,
"Stay here, where it's safe."
Well,
That's a risk I'm willing to take.

The storm outside is little comfort.
It rattles my windows and pounds my roof.
The walls creak with exhaustion.
I am not relieved.
I thought such rain and wind
Might make these four walls
More comforting than they are confining.
To no avail.
I am as caged as ever.
And I'm not singing.

I think I'd like to be outside,
Amidst the disaster.
Maybe it would make me feel more whole.
The way so much destruction can make you feel small,
But in a good way.
The way the uncontrollable can make you feel secure.
Because you, at least, are grounded.
But then,
What if I don't want to be grounded?
I think I'd like to soar.

The storm outside is little comfort.
Because the storm inside is still far more distracting.
I'm enveloped by it and swept away.
Until,
I lift my head and see these four walls.
But I am not relieved.
My own disaster spills across the floor and,
Is contained.
I am as caged as ever.
And I am not singing.

The world looked brand new today,
And I'd blame you if you would believe it.
The scales on my eyes wont change,
But you still make the sun shine a little more clear.
You know, it's too late for me.
We're drowning in bottles and faces and nothing.
But I caught you smiling,
And cursed every daydream and notion and fear.

Now that I'm involved, I'll be whatever you need,
Or sail with you to the end of the sea.
If you jump, I will follow you down.
The world is sick, and most days you feel unwell,
But I'll go with you through all hell.
If you jump, I will follow you down,
I will follow you down.

There's this place that I go at night,
And I'd take you if you would believe it.
Where I watched our souls collide,
In a shower of sparks and chaotic things.
One day, I know you'll see,
We're the disease that keeps us collapsing.
But sometimes our eyes will meet,
And when they light up I'll still want to sing.

Now that I'm involved, I'll be whatever you need,
Or sail with you to the end of the sea.
If you jump, I will follow you down.
The world is sick, and most days you feel unwell,
But I'll go with you through all hell.
If you jump, I will follow you down,
I will follow you down.

I will follow you down...
(if you jump, I jump, remember?)
I will follow you down...
(if you jump, I jump, remember?)
I will follow you down...

I think I'll let you hold me for a little while longer,
Because I love the warmth
As much as you love me.
And you might think I'm cruel for letting you hold me together,
But you need to feel strong
Like I need to breathe.

Baby, be my savior in an empty parking lot;
Be my laughter in the evening,
And my strength when I am not.
Honey,
You can drown my every care and keep me warm at night,
But I'm never gonna need you, 'cause you're not who's on my mind.

I think I'll let you use me for a little while longer,
I love to feel needed
Like you love to feel free.
And you might think I'm blind for thinking we might get together,
But I need the lie
As much as you need me.

Baby, be my savior in an empty parking lot;
Be my laughter in the evening,
And my strength when I am not.
Honey,
You can drown my every care and keep my warm at night,
But I'm never gonna need you, 'cause you're not who'd on my mind.

And you can tell me
That it's empty
And it doesn't mean a thing.
Well, I'm hoping
Just for your sake
That is what you really think.
'Cause the truth is
We're all users
In a drug infested life.
Where the cause
Of the effect
Is being lonely and alive.

Oh, insomnia, thou art a heartless *****.
And yet, I embrace thee --
For staying with me every night,
When no one else does.

My bed is quite the companion.
He keeps me warm,
When it's too cold to walk away.

So, wrap your arms around me and we'll wait for the sun to rise together.

The winter months are the harshest --
The nights are far too cold,
The days are far too short,
And every minute I'm awake is never-ending.

I hardly ever see the sun.

I'll swallow something bitter;
Let my stomach catch on fire...
And sing silent songs to the stars --
They listen to me every night,
When no one else does.

the bells

will ring out now

the horns

will make a din

and I will

laugh it by

but laughter

will belie

the tears

suppressed within

to see

the old year die.....

My boss just up and fired me
My sweetheart went away
I don’t walk where doagies roam
But I stepped in some today
No, I don’t live in Texas
But I found true cowboy links
When cow manure bushwhacked me
I discovered my cowboy jinx

I never wear a cowboy hat
And I can’t throw a lariat
But my instincts tell  me now, boy,
I must be a cowboy

I don’t tote a forty-four
‘Don’t russle cows all day
Naw,  the posse didn’t hang me
‘Just stepped the wrong dern way
That’s how it goes with wranglers
When things don’t fall their way
I can’t shoot straight but my foot’s dead on
I stepped in some today

I must be a cowboy,
I stepped in some today……

Music by John Farley

I came upon a crossroad
With tears down either lane
I didn't want the parting fork
But both trails led to pain

I came upon a crossroad
Which hurt would I prefer
There was so much love to miss
If I should turn from her

But my heart believed we had a chance
For better roads alone
As opposites from different worlds...
Forever's just too long

I came upon a crossroad
I did what I had to do
But the hardest thing I ever did....
Was turn away from you

Here I see the grace,
All in one day,
I see the light, laughter, and joy,
created yet to be destroyed,
All this of a friend,
I wish to share my truest mend,
How this bring me to the right time,
To get to rejoice and join the shrine,
The shrine that heals ones darkest memeries and scars,
To protect you from it by afar,
Your the one I cant ignore,
The one I love everyday,more and more,
Complete my heart shall be,
If your forever by a side with me.

Love inclines for every step I take to reach, Hate that eats my soul as I weaken,it fieasts,Every time I take the time to look in something that shines,I get love sick because my love went to find,We sometimes try to back away but can't because the walls incline,
We all want to walk away at some moment,But we cant because of the signs that tells us to go and present. We all ask with what? Someone whispers what do they call the very time your in? we say the present,we wake up and thank our lord for this very present,We ponder about tomorrow til it comes and we see the one we need, The ones heart that feeds, ours, We all wish to have the courage to ask but we cant because of the power ..isnt enough.