Everyday I walk in a world that destroys the people I love. There is no control over who gets treated badly, the world is the thing that gets to decide the way it all works out. Sometimes I wish we could choose how we feel throughout the days. I tend to wonder if the world just thinks that certain people deserve pain in their life, but then it hits me like a storm that nobody really deserves the pain. Pain isn’t given to you because you can’t handle it. It is given to you because you can handle it and help people out who are in similar situations. Life is a rollercoaster that no one sees what is around the corner. The rollercoaster never really stops until the very end. It is true that life has a happy ending for everyone and if you are not happy, then it is not the end. Most people dealing with suicide doesn’t know what the light looks like anymore. They have gotten ****** into a deep black hole that they believe no one can get them out of. It’s hard to think that I’ve been in that place myself. I’ve felt so alone that there was no hope for my life and I was just going to give up. I was so tired of fighting all the demons that had entered my soul and I couldn’t deal with it. I felt like the whole entire world hated me. I couldn’t see color in the way most people could. I would look at someone or something and it would all be dull. My vision wasn’t only blurry, but it was full of dullness. I looked at everything in a way that I couldn’t explain to anyone. Pink reminded me of sadness and cancer like most colors did, but red and black was a different story. Most people think red is love, but I didn’t see that. I thought of red as blood and torture, something that I believed should’ve happen to me. Black is mostly considered death these days, but black was happiness for me. It is still happiness to me. It brought me comfort when I needed it most. It made me confident and was also a way for me to hide all the pain. Blue and purple always reminded me of bruises and scars for a strange reason. White was void. That was the color I avoided the most. I couldn’t stand to wear white. I hid from it because I was scared of how empty I felt around it. All the colors would slowly fade from view as I would go into a shutdown that I couldn’t control. I never thought my eyes could be opened up to a different view on all of the colors that once haunted me. I would cry for no reason when I would wear certain colors. I would hide in colors that everyone thought was good, but I thought different. I’m finally seeing the colors in a better way. I don’t feel as lost when I’m around them or when I’m wearing them. I just wish I could find the full light, because this is what torture is. It is easing me into and out of the spectrum and I wish it would let me go.

She screamed out from the cries in her dream. She wakes up sweating not knowing why. What had she just witnessed? The girl shouldn't have died like that. There is no way to explain when she first seen her. Did she **** her? She doesn't know why it had to end in her getting up in panic. She gets off of the floor where she ended up last night. The old barn looks too familiar to her. It's rusty hinges getting ready to fall off the door as the wind slowly creaks the old wooden floor. She slowly moves through the old barn to see what all had gotten in over the long, restless night. She peaks around the corner of the wall and sees a little girl. Her face cold, rock, still in the moment. Then it hit her, that's the little girl from her dream. She had always shown up in them. She slowly walks over to the girl who appears to be asleep. Touching her, she was cold, but she flinched at the light touch. She's alive, but how? The little girl in the dream had died. She has a Saturn implanted on her wrist indicating something was off. Maybe she had been branded and she ran away. How would she have escaped? The little girl slowly starts to whisper ‘Melody’ referring to her name. It's such a sweet innocent name for her, yet she looks so vile of heart. How was she supposed to know she was supposed to run away before she woke up?

I screamed at the thought of dying; I couldn’t help the thought of wanting to die. I didn’t expect to ever feel this way. I thought I was one of the strongest people in the world because I never showed my pain; that wasn’t the best for me in the end. The pain became so unbearable that I wanted to run away from it. I began to close off from all the people that mattered in my life. I don’t have a clue why this was happening to me. I thought I had made such a big mistake that I shouldn’t be alive. That thought scared me so much that I ran. I hide away from all of the thoughts and pains in my life. It was some of the hardest times in my life. I never thought I would get out of it. The dreams haunted my ever wandering thoughts and it just wouldn’t go away. People laughed at me thinking nothing was wrong; I was okay in their own eyes. I had nothing to do but hide behind all the lies I had created. I tried to force myself to be okay because I didn’t have a reason to be that upset. They never believed my mind flooded with the thoughts of death. I just wish they seen the true way my mind was thinking. I just actually wanted to be okay; I needed help, but no one could help. That’s until someone found me all alone and seen right past my lies. They saved me and I couldn’t thank them enough. Yes, my life is still really hard, but I try my best to make it through everything. It put me up to the task of being able to help others who are going through similar things out. That’s what I live for everyday. To see my best friend smile is all I need to save my day from falling away.

A cold day where everything withered away into emptiness is something that I will always remember. It was too early for the little children to be up. It was scary to know that death was so present in my life. As I rush to call an ambulance, tears roll completely down my face. I never thought I would have to do what I was doing. Watching my mother lay there unable to breathe was the scariest part of my life. She was what shaped me into the person I am. Now I had to watch her dying before my eyes and without knowing what to do.
The squad drew close to the big blue place that I was supposed to call home. It never felt like I belonged there. I wasn’t meant to feel happy there. I realized the house was meant for torture and death. They found mom and she couldn’t walk. Her oxygen had almost completely left her body. The smoking was killing her so slowly. They had her on a stretcher, and I couldn’t stop crying. She didn’t look like my mother. She looked ready to die and not strong enough anymore. She gave up hope that day.
The squad left with all the blinding red lights. The red is all I remember. It’s as if it represented blood. It showed me that she could die any second. That it could be my last chance to see her and say goodbye. The sirens slowly disappeared as I sat out on the porch crying. It was still early and I knew I should sleep, but the dreams kept waking me. I felt so numb and I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want to eat or even breathe. My life was ****** out of me within a second. I couldn’t believe it had happened this way.
It was still a school day, and I had to be strong. I couldn’t cry in front of all those people. I had to hide from everyone, so I did. I threw on my orange hoodie and a fake smile. I had to convince everyone that I was fine. My mind drifted so much that day. I truly wasn’t myself after that day. I got lost in my thoughts so much. I pushed my best friend away. I wasn’t okay. I was so broken and no one could help. I wanted to get away, but I had to be the brave one. I had to stay locked away, but I wanted to run away.
That day haunts my dreams. I seem fine, but that’s just the outside. My story goes deeper. I needed to be saved from myself. I didn’t know what to say. That led to some tough topics. I never thought I would be the one to think of suicide, but that day started to control me. People everywhere controlled me. I was so lost in the thoughts of all the things that happened to me that I couldn’t be saved. I was so far away from any hope, that I just wanted to be dead. I just had to hold on for everyone else.
I was there for people because I would never be here for myself. Stories lie deeper than the cover and no one truly knows. They used to say nothing was wrong with me because I was always smiling, but that wasn’t true. I was killing myself on the inside. I am there, but not there at the same exact time. That’s why when I say “ I understand,” I really do. I wouldn’t lie about this yet people think I do. At times, I wish they wouldn’t judge books by the covers.

I was slowly walking down the street and the screams were becoming unbearable. I figured that it was only inside my head, but I was too tired to realize that it was me who was screaming. The street is completely dark and I am all alone. Who could be following me at this point? Why would they want to follow me? I turn the corner and there stands a tall man with a hood on. I couldn’t see his face, it was way too and he was covered by the hood. He wore all black and never once moved, until he began to walk towards me. I scream louder.
“ Who are you?” I scream.
He only chuckles.
“ What do you want from me?” I ask again.
He smiles, his face now a tiny bit visible. He still doesn’t say a word.
“ Answer me,” I scream at him.
He replies, “ Just look how beautiful and fierce you are all at once.”
I slightly roll my eyes and he chuckles at the fact of it.
“ What do you want from me and who are you?” I ask impatiently.
He fiddles with something around his wrist. It didn’t look normal at all.
“ What are you doing?” I ask.
He looks at me, but he has not said anything about that.
“ Why have you not answered me?” I say impatiently.
He tilts his and grabs me wrist. His skin is icy cold to the touch, yet it sends a tingle of warmth through my whole arm. It felt familiar, but I couldn’t figure out from what.
“ Why are you touching me?” I ask in hesitation.
“ It has been my reaction ever since I first seen you,” he says leaving me in awe.
“ What do you mean by that?” I ask.
“ Exactly as I have said,” he responds.
Now I’m the one to tilt my head. I’m extremely confused on when he has touched me before. Something seems so wrong, but so right at the same time. Realization finally strikes, I have seen him before, but only in a dream or at least I thought it was a dream.
“ When have you touched me?” I ask.
He grins, but makes no noise. I look at him pleading that he will just tell me.
He finally responds, “ Not too long ago actually, maybe last week, you were walking your normal way that night and I accidentally ran into you. I quickly got up and ran off, too scared of what you would say.”
“ Why didn’t you talk to me then, but you are now?” I ask.
“ I didn’t know how I would have told you,” he responds.
“ Now that you have confused me, why are you still here?” I ask.
“ I wanted to talk to you. I have always wanted to talk to you,” he responds slowly.
“ Why would you want to talk to me? I’m not a good person,” I respond without thinking.
“ You are perfect to me,” he says.
I think through everything that he has said, but I’m just left in a pool of wandering fears.

“ Where is she?” an older gentleman questioned angrily.
“ She’s over there on the couch asleep,” says the boy that wrapped my leg.
“ Why are you talking about me when I’m right over here hearing everything you say about me?” I ask angrily.
They jump in surprise and don’t move an inch. What is wrong with them? I know that I’m a girl, but I’m also a human too. They act like I’m some kind of alien to their species. The thought of it makes my blood boil. How dare they think of me as an outsider. Yes, I know that I’m in their home, but still.
“ Is none of you gonna speak to me?” I ask impatiently.
“ Don’t you think you are being too impatient, sweetie?” the boy asks.
“ First of all, don’t call me sweetie. Second, why am I here in the first place?” I comment in a sarcastic tone.
Silence fell over the room. It’s like they have not been talked to like that. Honestly, I don’t care what they think of me. They’re just a bunch of arrogant boys that don’t need to be talking to me at all. They think I’m too inpatient and honestly they don’t know me at all.
“ Will one of you at least say something to me?” I ask.
“ Why should we speak to you?” the older gentleman asked impatiently.
I roll my eyes and get up from the couch. I walk through the house trying my best to get away from those two arrogant fools. I finally find the door, but before I was able to reach it the boy grabbed my arm. I turned in defense and almost punch him in the face. His face goes to alarm as I scream “what do you want?”
“ Don’t leave me.” he responds.
“ I don’t even know who you are. Why should I just stay here?” I respond quietly.
“ Please, I don’t want you to leave.” he says quietly.
I turn away angered. I don’t care what he has to say. Why has he even brought me here? I don’t belong. They all just hate me. I guess I deserve it though. This is their house and I have intruded, but it’s not even my fault. The guy just brought me here. I didn’t ask for any of this. I just want to go back to my home. I want to be far away from all these people. I look at the clock in the hallway near the door right as it hits two. I realize that it has been a while since I’ve been completely conscious. They’re all staring at me in a weird way. Apparently, I’ve been frozen in place. I rush out the door, letting it slam behind me. I run down the street when there was a car rushing down the road. I scream for no reason and I remember is being hit.

I go to my closet to try to find clothes to change into. I finally pick out the black, laced long sleeved dress with my pair of black combat boots. I hurry and take a shower, then I walk downstairs to figure out what to eat. I’m not that hungry, like always, so I just decide on the smallest apple I can find. Once I finish eating, I go and finish my hair and brush my teeth. I then grab my black, chained, miniature bookbag and head out the door. I hate being in my house during the day because some of the things that happen there all the time. It just isn’t the same after my family abandoned me. I haven’t seen them ever since and now I just don’t want to see them. They decided to hate me, so, in return I hate them. I am halfway down the street when I hear a familiar voice. It was the little girl. I turn in surprise and she enwraps me in a tight hug. I am stunned by the way that she just runs up and hugs me, that I am stuck in place. I can’t move a single limb and I can’t even talk. Olivia releases me and I am finally able to catch my breath. I smile down at her because I know that she is thinking that I am completely weird for not hugging her back. I look up and there he stands. He is dressed in a white shirt with a leather jacket complementing his black jeans. His shoes are more of a solid black converse with no white on them. His hair was combed in the perfect way, where only a few pieces fell in his face to accent it. He ***** his head at me like he is trying to figure out what I am thinking. Good thing for me that he can’t read minds. If he could, I would be in so big trouble.
“Hello, Earth to Athena,” He says.
“Hi, ****,” I say.
“Now aren’t you being a little rude today,” He asks in a playful tone.

As I am slowly walking down the street, I hear these quiet noises. They almost sound like screams, but they also sound like laughing. Before I am able to process the noises, my breath has been knocked out of me and I’m on the ground. I try to scream, but nothing will come out. Until I stood up, I didn’t notice that something was right in front of me. It looked as though it was a person, but I’m not so sure that it was. As I go to walk, I notice my leg is bleeding. The figure looks at me in concern. While tilting my head, I try to ask what it was. Before I am able to turn to walk away, it dashes towards me. I scream and can’t seem to catch my breath. It grabs me by the arm and I almost fall straight to the ground. I have bled so much that it feels like I am floating and can’t move a muscle. The creature picks me up in what feels like a human set of arms. I notice that it is a guy just by the smell and feel of him. I relax thinking that it is all just a dream and I will wake up by the end of it. Suddenly the atmosphere gets extremely warm. He places me down on a soft couch and leaves the room. Before he returns, I hear faint chatter in another room. They all sound angry, but I have no clue why. They are asking who the girl someone brought in here was. Until I realize they were talking about me, I thought they meant a different girl. They were mad that I was here and I had no clue why. I wanted to get up to move, but I couldn’t. Well, that didn’t really stop me. I sat up and attempted to get up off the couch. He immediately ran in and gently pushed me back on the couch.
“ You can’t move,” He said.
“ Why,” I responded.
“ Your leg is too hurt and you have bled too much,” He responded.
I immediately shut up and looked away. I wanted to scream. I wanted to be away from him as soon as possible. Suddenly, he grab my leg and began to clean the ****. I cried in pain as the burn went through my whole body. It was the first time I felt anything like this. It wasn’t like a normal cut. It had a certain shape, as though something had bit me. He began to wrap bandages around it, when a bunch of people walked in the room. They were all staring at me.
“ You know she can’t leave like this,” A boy in blue said.
“ I already know this Eric,” The one wrapping my leg responded angrily.

I see the shadows in the darkest of the nights. The times when nothing else is showing up. I slowly walk toward the end of the tunnel where there is barely even a shimmer of light. It’s so dark that no one would expect that someone would be out at this dark of a night. The streams are flowing with ease through the dark abyss. The sound of the owls hooting is what is calming my senses just by a little bit. I can tell there are other presences out, but can’t figure out where they are hiding in the shadows. I seek out to try to find at least one of the presences. I’m walking along the places that I know all too well. I can never stop wondering these little secret passageways at night, especially when it is this dark everywhere. I here silent little whispers of the little children talking to their parents that are actually dead. I never felt like they knew what they really looked like. The way these kids described their parents was the saddest thing in the world. They described them as evil beings of the night and how much they wish they would just talk to them. The funny thing is that I wish someone would come out and just talk to me for a change. I call out to the little voices, but all they do is go completely silent. It truly hurts when none of them will ever talk to me back. I just wish they could come out. I hate the fact that they are all alone in the dark. At times, I just feel like I have voices in my head. I feel like I am going completely crazy and just don’t know how to fix it anymore. I take my place in the dark abyss and just start to drift off to sleep, when a little hand taps on my shoulder. I jump up startled and look at her in awe. She slightly smiles and patiently waits for me. I smile really big at her and ask what her name is. She said it was, “Olivia.” Then, all of a sudden, I hear a man’s voice behind me. I turn and see a guy no older than 18 looking straight at the little girl. His eyes move to me and his face lights up in surprise.  I look him in the eyes and smile extremely big.
I say, “Hi.”
“Hello, my name is Joshua,” He said.
“My name is Athena,” I said.
His smile widens and I can’t help, but smile back. I look away from him because I am not use to having people come out and talk to me.
“Joshy, can we keep her?” Olivia asks excited.
“Via, she is her own person, we can’t just take her and not let her go,” Joshua says.
She begins to cry and my heart breaks to see her this sad. I walk up and hug her tightly.
“It will be okay.” I say, “I’m not going to disappear.”
She finally stops crying and I’m able to let her go. Joshua looks at me and says, “thanks.”
“It wasn’t a problem. I’m finally glad someone came out to talk to me.” I say in a slight whisper.
After such a long time of feeling completely alone, I have someone here to talk to. It is a strange, but good feeling. Joshua looked at me as though he was trying to read my thoughts. Thank goodness he couldn’t. That would be a very bad problem. It would reveal way too much about me to anyone. I am not what I seem and I plan to keep everyone out of those little secrets of mine, so that no one will ever get hurt again. I can’t do that to another person.
“I have to go.” I say sadly.
“Can we see each other tomorrow?” Olivia asks me with puppy dog eyes beaming into my soul.
“I’m not sure.” I say, “Ask Joshua and see what he thinks.”
“Joshy, pleaseeeeee. Please, let us see her again tomorrow.” Says Olivia.
“Okay, but only if you be a good little sister and not be bad tonight.” Says Joshua.
She exclaimed, “YAYYYYY!”
I tell them goodbye and head off through the darkness, not knowing what to expect for tomorrow. I sign in grief and relief. I just know that I can not get close to these people, if I do then it will be trouble. Yes, I totally agree that Joshua is cute and the his sister is amazing. I just don’t want to get close to them because I am scared to. I don’t want to lose another person and I can’t hurt anymore people. I make it to my street and walk to my house. I walk inside and it is the same as always. I take a shower and go to bed. I’m not hungry, so I don’t even bother looking for food. I wake up screaming from how bad of a nightmare I had. I jump up and can’t go back to sleep.

As I was slowly walking down the street,  hear nothing but rustling leaves and whistling wind. It is quite quiet tonight, if I don’t say so myself. I begin to walk in the street because the sidewalk comes to an end. I have gotten so use to the route, that even though it is darker tonight, I can still see where I am going and it is easy to navigate along all the curves. I come to the big, old, Cherry Blossom Tree at the end of Saint Monroes Avenue. I hear a soft whisper of a couple teenagers in one of the houses. Then, all of a sudden, I hear a loud crash with screams that followed. I don’t quicken my speed because it is just something that I normally hear whenever I’m walking. A slight breeze whips through no sooner than I paused. I take a moment to just look around and enjoy the peaceful night. An owl hoots high in the tree above me. I look up into the dark night sky that is covered in clouds with the moon shining through. For the first time in a while, it seems to be a full moon. I always keep track of when the full moon appears. It intrigues me just because it is so different. I begin to walk again and I just enjoy the rest of my walk. Finally, I’m at the end of Saint Monroes Street. Approaching another street, I see that it is so much darker than all the others. I don’t pay it any mind because I’m so use to walking in the darkness every single night. More noises crash through the almost silent night. This time it was a little weird. I thought I heard someone whisper my name, but when I turned around, no one was there. I just turned back around and continued on my walk home. I finally make the last turn onto my street. Now it is just a straight path home. My house is completely dark when I arrive. I’m use to nobody being home at all. It’s always been like that. Whenever people ask if they can come over, I have to say no. They would turn me in if they found out I lived all alone in this big house. I never really see my parents anymore. They always disappear every time I arrive back at home. It’s like they hate me, but I have no clue why they would hate me. I guess it is just because I have let them down so much and I’m just a disgrace as a daughter. They truly wanted a son, but ended up with me instead. Of course, I have a younger brother, but I never see him either. They keep him away from me since I’m so different from the whole family. I’ve learned to live with all these responsibilities on my own over the years, so it doesn’t bother me as much anymore. I just wish I knew what I did and how I can fix it. I hear whispers of my name every night as I look around my lonely home. I make me a sandwich and begin on my homework. I absorb myself in my work so I don’t notice how lonely my home really is. I finally finish all of my time absorbing homework and take my plate to the kitchen. I turn off the lights and listen to music so I can fall asleep. I wake up every morning to the same birds chirping their little melody. I take a shower and skip breakfast, like I do every single morning. I walk to the bus stop just to realize that it was Halloween and they let us have the day off of school. I walk back inside and finally realize that I am not alone. I look up to see a teenage boy around my age staring right back at me. I am completely startled as he yells my mother’s name and I looked up to see the beautiful woman looking at me. I am stunned by just how breathtaking she really is. I try to say hello, but I couldn’t even get the simple word out. She looks at me in concern. She must notice the small slits on my arms, but I try to think it was something else that she noticed. She asked if I have gotten smaller and I said yes. I said that I’m not small enough yet and I have to keep pushing myself. She mentioned how I was getting too small. I’m only 130 pounds. That is way too much for me to weigh. The boy that is around my age looks at me confused. I ask who he is and my mother says he is a family friend. Of course, I wouldn’t know him because I’m not really a part of the family anymore. I turn to leave, but he catches my arm. I try to yank away, but his grip is too strong and I stumble into his arms. I push myself away to stand on my own and my mother asks where I am going. I said I’m just going on a walk and she shouldn’t worry about it because she is never around and never cares to talk to me any other time. I walk upstairs to grab my bag and money. I had decorated the whole house in Halloween stuff, because it is really the only thing I can look forward to doing each year. I have no family who really cares, so I do all the traditions and stuff all on my own. I run down the steps and grab my keys off the hanger by the door. My mother and the boy was standing by the door waiting on me to return. I look at them and know that they aren’t going to really leave me alone. I ask what they want and they said just to talk. I told them I didn’t have time and pushed my way through them. As I reach the outside, I begin to cry. I can’t believe that she thought that she could just walk back into my life after all these years. I put up a wall so no one could ever hurt me again. I plan on never letting her back into my life. I’ve grown so use to the feeling of being alone, that I don’t really want to let any of my “family” back into my life. I just remember that I left my cars keys inside the house and have to walk back inside infront of all the people who walked out of my life. I just hope they have left already. I walk inside and that boy comes and meets me at the door. I look at him and just walk past him to the living room. I see not only my mother, but my brother and father, as well as some of their friends sitting in the living room. They all look at me and I awkwardly smile, walk over to my bag, grab my car keys, and turn to leave. As I am leaving, they tell me to sit down and talk for a little while. I say that I can’t and turn to leave again, only to run into the same boy again. This time I say sorry very quietly and leave the room. I make it out the door before any of them was able to make it to me. I get into my car and drive off to my favorite Halloween store in town, Mount Terror. It has all the best costumes, candy, decorations, and anything known to Halloween. I grab a cart and begin to get the candy for tonight. I go and pick out the last part of my costume. I make sure I have some Halloween games and activities for the party throw every single year. I finally make it to check out and load everything into my car. I go by Superfast Supermarket to get all the food that I need for tonight. I finally return home and begin to unload the car. I unlock my house door and walk in with every bag on my arms. I kick off my shoes and throw down my purse, keys, and jacket. I look up to see the boy staring at me again. He comes over and offers to help me carry things, but I say no thanks and walk towards the living room. I see that more of my family’s friends are sitting in the room with them. They all see me with my arms full. I slightly smile and walk through in order to get to the kitchen. I dropped two bags because they ripped. I place everything down in the kitchen and then turn to go pick up everything I dropped when I see the boy had brought it all to me. I walked over to him and helped him. I said thank you and he smiled. I placed everything down and walked back out into the livingroom to the front door. I grabbed my purse and hung it up so it wouldn’t just be laying around. I walked back to the kitchen and began preparing the kitchen for all of the food I had to make. I preheated the oven and began to mix every single dessert that needed to be mixed up and placed them in the pans. I was able to fit four pans in at once, so I could begin the other parts of the cooking. I played my music, so I couldn’t hear what they were talking about in the living room. I could feel the presence of someone in the room staring at me. I turn and notice it was him again. He finally speaks and tells me his name, Dexter. I ask what he wanted from me and he said he just wanted to talk to me for a while. I finally gave in and told him to stay in here and talk for awhile. It lasted for the hours I was in this kitchen, but now I don’t know exactly where I stand in this mess.