is this the end?
god i hope so
i've been waiting
so long
for it to come

i'll admit
i've tried
to reach it
prematurely
but it hasn't worked

i suppose
the end will come for you
when it is your time
and i feel in my bones
that now
now is my time

i'm convinced that
the letter J is cursed
for me at least

the people that i've hurt
the people that have hurt me
all have that one similarity

there have been nine so far
nine Js in my life
and i've vowed to never let another one in

Js are toxic for me
not for everyone
but for me, certainly

i know it’s a bit prejudiced and unfair
to avoid people
simply because of their name

however i’ve taken the risk too many times
and it always ends the same
so until proven otherwise
the letter J is infernal

one of my best friends
was named mia

we met when i was in fifth grade
although she didn't tell me her name then
she gave me a smile instead
and said not to worry about it

and so i didn't
and mia and i grew closer and closer
we became inseparable
i was not myself without her

i kept my friendship with mia a secret
because although i didn't want to admit it
i knew she was a bad influence from the start
i knew she was toxic

but even so
she made me feel better
i could always go to her when i was upset
and she would know just what to do

when people found out about mia
they tried to keep us apart
but it was too late
we'd already become one and the same

and so i pretended
i pretended that mia had left me
i convinced everyone around me
but it was all a lie

she wasn’t gone
i thought that she would never be gone
although i didn’t want mia in my life anymore
i knew that she was there to stay

it wasn’t up to me anymore
mia had taken control
i simply submitted to her
and did her bidding

but it wasn’t really that bad
she did help me out every now and then
she would pretend to give me control
and it made me feel powerful

in my mind
i knew that i was never truly in control
but it was comforting to imagine
to makebelieve for just a moment

time has passed
and i am finally alone
but the loneliness doesn’t hurt
because i know now

one of my worst friends
was named mia

i am nothing more
than a product
for people to use and enjoy

i am worth nothing more
than the services that
i provide to others

i exist
simply to be used
until i’m broken

and i’m sorry to say
that i’ve been broken
i’m useless now

i’ve been all used up
i have nothing left to offer
this product is fruitless

so throw me away
get rid of me
dispose of me

and if no one else will
i guess i’ll just have to do it myself
put myself where i belong

so don’t worry
i won’t take up any more space on your shelves
you can replace me with something of value

i hope at least
that you got something of worth from me
before i became defective

i didn’t even know you
we’d never even talked
so why do i still think about you
wherever i walk?

i can't even look at my couch
without remembering you
and the way you were slouched
watching television until two

they say i've been reminding them of you
with my headphones always on
they're worried that i might follow through
and soon be gone

and although i hate to say it,
their worries aren't completely irrational
i'm a little bit of a hypocrite
when i think about how this life is abysmal

i think most people tried to erase the pain
all of the reminders of you
but it'll always be stuck in our brains
the world is different now too

you were here
and then you weren't
you left us with fear
of who would next be caught in the current

all of this runs through my mind
and i think about how i didn't even know you
what about the friends you left behind?
will they ever be able to continue?

i just wanna be skinny
is it too much to ask for?
to become nothing but skin and bones
is my greatest wish

i look in the mirror
and i hate everything that i see
and i think
that maybe if i was skinny
i wouldn’t hate myself nearly as much

sometimes
i wish i could just grab a knife
and carve away all of the fat
piece by piece
until i’m satisfied

oh how i wish
to be able to feel
every single rib
sharp hipbones and collarbones
a tiny arm that i could wrap my hand around

i want people to stare
to look at me and wonder how i did it
how i turned from this disgusting creature
into someone skinny who can do no wrong

i want to be so skinny that people start to worry
they’ll ask me if i’m okay
and i’ll smile and laugh and respond with a gentle “of course!”
to put their mind at ease

and later that night
i’ll lay in bed
smiling to myself
thinking of that comment
until i realize that it’s not enough

i’m not enough
i will never be enough
but maybe i can fool everyone else into thinking that i am
if only i were
skinny

je pense
que cette vie n'est pas pour moi
cette décision, ce n'est pas irréfléchi
j'en pense tout le temps
je rêve de la mort
et je l'attends

je voulais qu'il y avoie été un autre choix
mais maintenant
je ne crois pas en ces fantasies naïf
j'ai grandi
et je comprends maintenant
la vie n'est pas pour moi
la vie ne sera jamais pour moi

je ne doute pas
que ce chemin soit le mien

j'espère qu'il y a quelque chose
que je pourrais faire pour ma famille
pour mes amis
pour les gens qui seront un peu tristes
quand tout est fini

mais je sais
que tout que je peux faire
est écrit une lettre bien
qui explique les pensées que
vole dans ma tête

fin

hey siri
you're supposed to have all the answers aren't you?

hey siri
how can i be happy?

hey siri
why is nothing working?

hey siri
would it be better if i just wasn't here anymore?

hey siri
how would i go about doing that?

hey siri
how do i tell my friends i don't want to live anymore?

hey siri
how do i tell the people who gave me life that i no longer want it?

hey siri
how do i tell them i've written a note?

hey siri
how do i make sure there's no room for error?

hey siri
how do i say goodbye?

what is an apology really worth?
if you think about it,
all an apology really is
are some meaningless words
from someone's mouth

anyone can say an apology
and not mean a single word
how can you tell
if they're telling the truth?

if you ask people this question,
they'll reply simply with
"you'll be able to feel it"
but that's not an answer
not really

and sometimes
an apology isn’t quite enough
there will be times
where you **** up so badly
a simple “sorry” can’t make it all better

well then what do you do?
even if you really truly mean it
that apology is useless, meaningless
to the other person

so what’s an apology really worth?
the times when you mean it most
it’s worth the least
some things just can’t be fixed
by saying “sorry”

a beautiful color
a beautiful flower
a beautiful name

light and airy
peaceful and pastel
with a calming aura
and subtle hints of passion
i find lavender to be
a color to rival the rest

long and narrow
with tiny florets
a soothing fragrance
with the ability to heal
i find lavender to be
a flower to rival the rest

a beautiful girl
who i have yet to meet
a child that i will never
come to know
i find lavender to be
a name to rival the rest

you are
the best thing
to ever happen
to me

you make me feel
so loved
so important
so worthy

you treat me
so well
and i know
i will never
love anyone
as much as i
love you

the day i met you
really was
the first day of my life

but of course
nothing that perfect
could ever last

i ****** it up
i made a mess
of our beautiful
love story

i'm impulsive
i'm irrational
i'm selfish

and you deserve
so much more
than what i
can give you

i know
i need to stop
hurting you
and so

i love you now
and i will love you
always

you were
the best thing
to ever happen
to me

skin like porcelain
eyes like glass
i'm fragile you know?

i break so easily
over and over again
and so far
someone's always come along
to put me back together

but i know that soon enough
there won't be anybody
i'll break one too many times
and they'll all leave
for someone stronger

it's not my fault
it's the way i was made
i know that
and yet i don't

i feel ashamed
of my fragility
why can't i just
be strong?
be durable?
be reliable?

i ask myself
these questions
all day and all night
but i've yet to find
a suitable answer

i suppose
that maybe
fragile things
can't always be fixed

i'm broken
and i think
i won't be able
to be put back together again

the word “no”
holds a power that many don’t quite realize

two letters
one syllable
it’s so simple isn’t it?
and yet that tiny little word
could’ve changed everything

i never said “no”
i didn’t want it
but i didn’t say “no”

so that makes it okay, right?
that makes it my fault
that makes it consensual
that makes it legal
at least that’s what everyone tells me

so why does it still haunt me at night?
and plague me with neverending nightmares

it’s been over a year now
since the last incident
but i still feel it in my skin
i try to scrub off the dirt, the shame, the guilt
but it’s very set on staying

and i know that no matter how much it haunts me
they’ve probably forgotten by now
moved on, are living better lives
they’ll never know the suffering i’ve gone through
they’ll have no repercussions

but it’s all okay
because i never said “no”