we've been flirting for a while now
but i've been a bit too scared of anything more
you leave me wanting more
you tease me
give me a taste of you
but nothing permanent
nothing that lasts

i haven't given into your temptation yet
but as every day goes by
i want you more and more

we dance around each other
a complicated tango for two
but never quite close enough for my taste

i want you forever
it's as if nothing else matters to me anymore
all i can think about is you
you
you
you

i think of the ways
that we could get together
i fantasize about it
during class
during practice
during work
no matter what i'm doing
you're always there
at the back of my mind

should i just give in already?
i desire you so desperately
and i know that you want me too
what's holding us back?

ah, i remember now
i worry what others will think
i worry what others will do
i worry what others will say
but i think that it's time for me
to be a bit selfish

we've been at this for a while now
and i think
that it's finally
time for me
to commit

i'm starting to think
that maybe
i'm unfixable

i'm broken
there's no denying that
but everyone's always told me
"don't give up"
"it gets better"

does it really?
i'm starting to doubt their validity
i'm broken
and i don't think
i'll ever be whole again

what does it mean
to be only a shell
of who i used
to be?

do i even
have purpose
anymore?

i'm starting to think
maybe it's time i give up

give up on myself
give up on my friends
give up on my family
give up on my life

because really
what's the purpose
of being alive
when you can't
feel anything
at all?

time freezes.
i’ve been just barely hanging on for so long now
and it’s as if that final strand has finally snapped.
i’m stuck in the split second between everything being okay and everything not.
i know what i have to do.
and so i bring out my friends.
sharp, silver, small
the ones that are there for me when no one else is
and i tell them my pain, my suffering.
they validate me.
they promise me that they’ll make it all stop.
and that’s all i really want anymore.

no one notices
it’s a blessing and a curse i suppose
i’m glad that no one’s trying to stop me
but i wish that someone cared enough to try
i wish someone would notice
but that would ruin everything we’ve worked for
i’m wasting away to nothing
and even so
no one notices
this just means i have to try harder, right?
at least, that’s what ana tells me
so we go from 800 to 600 to 400
and we work so hard
but still
no one notices
ana’s all i can think about
and she tells me
“just a little more”
“people will start to care when they need to”
“you’re just not sick enough”
sometimes, in my darkest hours, i voice these thoughts aloud
and even after all of that
no one notices

i sit across from you
as if at a dinner party
but we both know that’s exactly the reason that i’m here now
you lure me in
whispering promises and secrets
“it’ll be just between us” you say to me
“after this, you’ll be beautiful”
i believe you
i start to give in, lean forward, close my eyes
no.
stop it.
they’re lies!
tears are streaming down my face
i fall back with a whimper
you’re turning mean now
“coward”
“you’ll never be pretty if you keep at this”
“you’re not worthy”
i’m shaking i’m sobbing i’m scared
i thought i was the one in control
i thought i had the power
but now you’ve stripped me of that and everything else i once was
i have nothing left now except for you
you, my porcelain savior